𝐈 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 other curious onlookers, the same ones I had met at dinner the day prior. I still remembered none of their names, but I recognized the boy with the shy smile and, of course, Avery, who had opened one eye at the mention of my name.
Glad I could scrounge up some sort of reaction.
"As I'm sure you all know, Janie is new with us," Dr. Alaya explained, making her way towards me and beckoning for me to stand.
I hesitated for a moment before rising to my feet, meeting Dr. Alaya's outstretched hand and shaking it firmly.
"Let's do what we can to make her welcome here," she called out, but her eyes were on me.
I needed no one to make sure that I was welcome. It'd be better if everyone just stayed away, but I couldn't go saying that at my first meeting.
"If you need anything, you come to me or one of the orderlies. We'll be keeping an eye on you, of course, but we're at your beck and call for any personal matters." She smiled, winked, and released my hand, making her way back to the front and taking all of the eyes with her.
I wondered if I should tell her that one of the patients knew a spot where there were no eyes that could watch us.
I took a look at Greta and pursed my lips, wondering what that was all about. She only shrugged and moved her gaze back to Dr. Alaya.
I sighed and did the same. Hopefully this went by fast, because I was ready for lunch and to get the hell out of this entire ordeal.
"I'm glad to see that almost everyone brought their journals today. If you have yours, please open it to the last, empty page, and grab your pens."
I did what I was told, only to realize that while Fawn had brought a journal, she had brought no utensils. I looked to Greta for help. She caught my look and laughed silently, handing me a black ink pen from her pocket.
Grateful, I inclined my head, catching the last part of whatever Dr. Alaya was saying.
"...write something simple down on the last page of your journal. Something that you associate with freedom. While you are all free to do what you please here, you are still under lock and key and under orders. It does not have to be long, in fact, a single word will do. Just write the goal you are trying to reach by the time you are finished writing in this journal. What freedom are you striving for?"
A lot of things came to mind. I thought about wanting to go to college without my backstory to follow me around. Then I thought how I wanted it to stick with me so that when people saw me, they thought, that's Janie Greene. You don't mess with her.
Then Noah came to mind. I wanted him to mess with me, in a good way. To tease me and not be afraid of the outcomes. To get to know me without thinking he already did.
I wondered if he was thinking about me, too. Our interaction had been so brief I highly doubted it, but, still. I wondered if he was around town looking for my face, and how he would feel when he didn't find it.
I saw the small T I had found earlier on the back cover. I tilted my head and wondered if that T belonged to the owner of this journal or maybe someone else.
Before I could stop myself, I traced the smallest N onto the bottom corner of the page. For now, that is what I was associating with freedom.
"When you're done, make your way to the next freshest page you have. Today we're going to be dealing with 'points.' What points in your life have led you here, what points will lead you to the goal you wrote on the last page, and what will you do once you've reached your goal? Write your freedom word on the middle of the page and begin. I'll be walking around checking on you."
My head began to spin. This was such a simple task, but I didn't want to dive into the 'points' and reasons as to why I was here. I had made a promise to myself to not go too deeply into my past and reminisce. That was the number one thing that would be my downfall. I did not regret what I had done, but if I were to dwell too much on it, I might start to feel other things I wasn't ready to feel.
I wrote my small N in the middle of the page and took a deep breath. Then, I moved my pen to the top of the page. I could easily write, shot father, and move on, but I guess other things had led to me doing that.
I remembered how on my birthday my dad had given me a molded cupcake and made me take a bite to show how grateful I was. I remember how Milly had waltzed under the table and his foot had connected with her soft side and how later that night I had cried for joy that she was okay, knowing if she wasn't, there was nothing I could do for my only friend.
Had that been a moment that had set my path for my future actions? I assumed so. There was a lot of moments that had resulted in my violence. Did it really matter which one I wrote down? I wrote birthday and underlined it at the top of the page. After that, I drew a short line and wrote shot father.
Then what? Shooting my dad wasn't a direct line for where I currently was. No, something else had brought me to this specific place. I wasn't sure what - don't lie, my mind whispered, and I gripped my pen tightly. You know what brought you here. My mind flashed to the hospital, the one I had been taken to after I had been found with my dead father. The one with a specific memory.
I felt my chest begin to swell and I desperately focused on the gripping of my pen, squeezing it so hard that my knuckles turned white, until I could squeeze all the pain that threatened to engulf me away.
I took a deep, deep breath and released it, exhaling all the fear.
I quickly wrote something safer, something else that had decided my fate. I wrote judge ignore and moved on, now wondering what I could do to reach Noah. How could I get out of this place to reach my idea of freedom? I glanced up at the others who were deep in thought writing, and then at the ones who were already done. I saw Avery coolly gazing at Dr. Alaya over someone's shoulder, nothing in her hands but a water bottle, and then looked beside me at Greta, one of the ones deep in thought.
I had wanted to get out of here by escaping only the night before, but after meeting Noah, I had decided to try and earn my way out of this place so I could be truly free.
With this thought in mind, I wrote fit in and connected it to Noah's name.
Finally, I had reached my goal. Now what to do after I had attained it?
I really wasn't sure. The phrase 'Happily Ever After' didn't really seem to fit in with my life.
"Having some trouble, Janie?"
Startled, I raised my head and was met with Dr. Alaya watching me grip my pen. I relaxed my fingers and twirled the writing utensil around slowly. I shrugged my shoulders carelessly, but was really wondering how she had gotten to my side so quickly.
"No, not really."
She took a knee and extended her hand for my journal, and I handed it to her, not sure if the extension of her hand was a question or an order. After she had it, I wondered if I could of said no.
She skimmed it quickly, and I wondered if she was disappointed with my lack of expression on paper. Instead, she smiled.
"Very nicely done, Janie. This is a perfect example of personal reflection. It doesn't have to make sense to others as long as it makes sense to you. Now do you have any idea what you want after your goal?"
I shook my head. I did, but I didn't. I wanted the opportunity to be with someone like Noah without my past separating us, but I was also a very truthful person and didn't cherish the idea of keeping a secret like mine so heavily on my shoulders.
Dr. Alaya nodded and began to move on, and I was prepared to let her go, but my reflexes betrayed me. I reached my hand out and touched the sleeve of her white collared shirt
"Is it better to lie about something you know you'll regret lying about later or to tell the truth and regret the outcome?" I blurted, wondering why on earth I was asking her but unsure of where else to get my answer.
I dropped my hand, a little embarrassed, but she only bit her lip and seemed to ponder my question.
After a moment, her answer was just what I needed.
"Our secrets are our own. You don't owe anyone the truth unless they deserve it or they've done something to earn it. That doesn't mean lie and keep secrets all the time, of course, but, make sure what you want is something you really want before you share your personal heart."
I sighed, glad for her answer.
I wanted to tell Noah the truth, yes, but not anytime soon. I knew honesty was always the best policy, but I didn't think a truth this big would be a good idea to lay onto someone who probably had the perfect life. I needed to keep it a secret. Until, at least, I knew he deserved the truth. I needed to make sure he never knew that I had shot my father...and more than once.
• • •
The rest of the session passed quickly after my encounter with Dr. Alaya. We paired into partners and I listened to Greta discuss her plans to reach her goal, and I talked with her about mine. Not about Noah, but, about how I was planning to try and fit in with what was going on so I could better myself.
After that, Dr. Alaya talked more about the points in our life and how we could overcome them. I zoned out for most of that. I didn't need to overcome my points. I was fine with them and fine with what had happened, so there was no overcoming that needed to be done.
An hour and a half later, we were finally dismissed for noon lunch. I was extremely afraid that Dr. Alaya would ask me to stay behind and explain my question more, but she was gone before the room had even cleared. That was a relief, at least.
I walked out with Greta, eyeing the other kids who seemed to pair off with who I assumed were their friends. Strange how even in a place like this, there was certain groups that seemed to come together.
"Is the lunch here as good as the dinners?" I joked with Greta as we made our way into the lunch room.
She nodded, oblivious to my manner, her eyes already on what was offered.
"Like I told you when I met you, the food here is the best thing about this place."
We took our place in line with the same man from the evening before watching our plates, though he seemed to soften when Greta got nearby. Perhaps their love for food was what bonded them.
Greta began to make her way to the same table filled with the same people as yesterday, and I felt uncomfortable intruding on what seemed to be a tradition. I hesitated slightly, and she noticed.
"Coming?" She pushed, one foot towards me and the other towards what I assumed was her group.
I wasn't sure if she was asking because she genuinely wanted me to sit with them or because she still felt responsible for me, as I had burdened her with showing me around when we first met.
Just then, I spotted Avery at a table pushed against one of the glass windows. The sunlight was spilling on her hair and I noticed a journal hidden under her arms. She had no food, only another bottle of water. I figured while Greta was great for being with at meetings, surely having lunch with Avery wouldn't be a big deal.
"Go ahead. I'll sit with you guys at dinner?" I asked, giving what I hoped was a reassuring smile.
Greta nodded and we parted ways, with me hoping I hadn't made a mistake.
I made my way towards Avery and wondered what to say, when she surprised me by starting the conversation before I had even sat down.
"I normally don't let people sit with me. It's kind of an unspoken rule. Someone tries to come and I glare them away," Avery drawled, tucking the journal on the empty chair beside her, away from my view.
I stood there awkwardly, not sure when whether to walk away or not when I shrugged my shoulders and thought, to hell with it.
Taking the seat across from her, I set my tray down and gave her a smile.
"Today's your lucky day, then. I'm glare proof."
She laughed, leaning back in her chair and taking a sip of her bottle.
"Not eating?" I asked, picking up my prepared turkey sandwich with pepper jack cheese and taking a small bite.
She shook her head and stuck out her tongue in disgust.
"Nah, I'll hold until dinner. Tonight's my night out, by the way. Saturday's are mine."
"By out, I'm assuming you mean..." I pointed my sandwich outside.
She nodded.
"I usually take Monday's, Thursday's, and Saturday's. So you can have Tuesday's, Wednesday's, Friday's we'll split, and Sunday's. Sound good?" She asked, though I didn't really think I had a choice.
I nodded, then remembered something.
"Avery, why didn't you tell me about the cameras?" I hissed, leaning over my plate and keeping my voice low.
She just laughed again, shaking her head at me.
"For show only. Trust me. I made sure before I used that path. You haven't been dragged to any office and screamed at yet, have you?" Avery questioned, already knowing the answer.
I sighed and took another bite of my sandwich, which had lost some of its flavor.
"So tomorrow is my day for freedom?" I asked, envisioning a certain pair of green eyes.
"Yeah. Unless someone is coming to see you. Visitor day, y'know?" She said, looking out the window and squinting against the rays of the sun, oblivious to my frown.
"No. Sunday's are perfect." I murmured, finished with my meal and pushing the tray away from me.
"Good. Then you can leave and if anyone asks, you were in your room or something, hiding away since you have no visitors. I'll come by in the morning and show you the way out again."
I stood up, leaving Avery to her secret journal and taking my tray to the front. I suddenly wondered what she was getting out of taking me to the place where I could sneak away. Why was she offering me the opportunity that maybe these others dreamed of? Or perhaps they already knew, and this was all one big, well kept secret that Avery overlooked. I wanted to ask, but didn't. I just wanted out. Plus, while I knew Avery had secrets, and while I was more than intrigued in finding them out, I knew that discovering secrets would require revealing some, as well. That was something I wasn't ready for.
Something I was ready for, though, was seeing Noah again. I wasn't sure how I would see him, but I knew I'd find him.
Tomorrow, I'd see those green eyes again.
Tomorrow was another day closer to reaching my goal.