May 13, 2016
I had overslept which meant for the first time since this semester had started, I would be late for Bailey's class. I just hoped she would not make a huge deal out of it, after all it was sort of her fault I was late anyway—not that she was aware of it.
I have not been able to sleep properly since the little stunt Nay pulled when the elevator got stuck with the four of us inside.
I took my time on the shower, trying to get my nerves to calm down with the water, the same way I had done on Wednesday. Even though I knew it would not calm myself enough to not seem on edge all day.
I had seen my mother at campus on Wednesday, and had she been alone maybe she would have taken my edginess for startlement after literally running into her.
She was not alone though, she was accompanied by Nero and another professor who I knew close to nothing about, Professor Mace. It was Mace the one who noticed something was off. She looked deep inside my eyes and I felt like she could see right through me, which had me even more on edge.
"Are you okay, honey?" Professor Mace had a very motherly tone to her voice, it did not match at all with her intimidating features, but in some weird sort of way it got me to calm down.
"Yeah, just stressed with Family Law." She gave me an intrigued look, "Oh, I'm sorry, are you one of my students? Is there anything I can help you with?"
"No Eve, Remi, is Bailey's student. Sweetie you told me you were loving her classes, why are you so stressed about it then?" I did not know how to answer my mother.
I could not exactly tell the two women my Family Law professor was giving me a hard time because she had decided to go psycho on me. But I knew I there was no hiding it from Nero, he knew my type, and he had seen us together enough times to notice the tension between us.
Something in Professor Mace's demeanor changed as if she had suddenly realized something she was not supposed to mention.
"Ah, Bailey is a great friend of mine, so is your mother. If you are having a hard time catching up, I would be more than happy to help you out, I too teach Family Law." Professor Mace offered and I was tempted to take it, but I knew it would not do Cecilia any good if anyone found out a student of hers was having to seek out another professor to be able to learn something.
Before I could deny her proposition, she made it easier for me to say yes.
"Tell you what, we are heading for lunch now, but how about you come to my office on Friday during your break and we can sit, in private, so I can help you out. Bailey doesn't even have to know about it, I know how jealous she can get when it comes to... her students." Professor Mace had a knowing smirk playing on her lips and for a split second I was sure she knew something I did not—and I was right.
Even though I was late, this morning I had to make myself look presentable because I would be having my one-on-one session after my first period with Professor Mace.
I had put on my black Star Wars t-shirt—there was a faint death star on it with a thin red line working as a rectangle frame around the print—along with a red pencil skirt and red pump heels. I also applied some minimal makeup but made sure to add on red lipstick.
I felt like no one would be able to put me in a bad mood, because for once, I was indeed pleased with how I looked.
I walked inside the classroom just as Cecilia was about to start. The only seat available was right in front of her desk in the middle of the class and I could not help but wonder where all the entitled white men who usually killed each other for that seat had vanished to.
All eyes were on me as I walked to my seat, but it did not stop Cecilia from making things harder for me. She had made sure to block the way, so I had to basically touch her whole body with mine in other to reach my sit.
"Next time you should get your priorities straight. It's best to be on time rather than on point." She whispered in a tone I could not quite pinpoint, but just for a moment I felt like she was being both flirtatious and possessive.
The students might not have heard what she said, but they sure heard my reply.
"Straight's not really my jam, sorry." She rolled her eyes at me letting out an annoyed huff before properly starting her lesson—gotta say, that had managed to get me hot and bothered.
This morning was not much different from the previous weeks. I was sitting right in front of her, yet she would still plainly ignore whenever I raised my hand to ask something.
After the second attempt I just gave up altogether. I knew I would finally be able to get my answers from Professor Mace in just about an hour, so it no longer mattered whether Cecilia was playing games with my education.
The class was over once she noticed people starting to lose focus. I can't blame them, when you sign up for law school people do not exactly tell you there will be math involved, and divorce, or at least the assets' split part was advanced math for most of us.
After most people had left, apart from a few back-row students who seemed to be taking the extra time off to sleep, she approached me sitting on the seat beside mine.
"So, you and your no-longer-girlfriend have plans?" The audacity to pry on my life as if she had not just ignored me for weeks was infuriating.
I stood up, took a deep breath and with the most unbothered face I could master I answered back.
"Not that it concerns you, but no. Now if you excuse me professor, I've an appointment to attend to." I turned around to leave, never once meeting her eyes, too scared of what I might see if I looked back.
I almost ran to where I knew to be Professor Mace's office. Her office was bigger than the rest, I guess perks of also being in the administration board.
I knocked on the door twice before hearing a faint voice telling me to go inside. I remember checking if anyone was around before going inside and quickly closing the door behind me.
Once inside I was startled by the professor's request, "You should probably lock it as well. She tends to come around between classes." Professor Mace said after taking a glace over her reading glasses to see who it was walking in.
"Excuse me?" I was truly taken back. Nevertheless, I locked the door behind me and walked closer to her desk as I waited for her to gesture for me to sit down.
"Cecilia, dear. She usually comes around so we can chat, more like she can vent, but I'm sure you are familiar with her venting. You are the neighbor, aren't you?" She sounded nonchalantly, as if that was a routine conversation.
"I really don't know what you're talking about." I tried to play it cool because I honestly did not know what else to do.
Before she could say anything else, someone tried to open the door, and after two failed attempts Professor Mace's phone rang, she gave me a knowing look before answering her phone.
She made some small talk and then said she was in a meeting before hanging up.
"I told you she would come by," I stayed quiet, and she seemed almost satisfied with my resistance to talk about Cecilia.
She closed her laptop and rested her intertwined hands on the desk before leaning in on her presidential-like chair.
"Alright then, it's comforting to see you are able to hold your ground about this." She took a breath and waited—to see if I would crumble, I guess.
"That being said. I know a lot, more than you would assume she would tell any of her friends, but we are not here for that. We are here because knowing my friend, she's probably giving you a hard time. I'm guessing you're having trouble keeping up with her lessons. Feel free to ask anything you need to make sure you're caught up." She was so on point, I felt like tearing up over having someone understanding my angsts.
For the next hour or so Professor Mace, or better yet, Evelyn—as she had told me her name was—, helped me finally understand Family Law. Cecilia is a great professor no doubt there, but I had an infinitude of unanswered questions, and I felt like I was drowning.
After my brain was done processing new information, there were still points we had not covered. We decided then we could have another meeting on Tuesday seeing as I only had the first two periods, and it would be a safer bet as Cecilia would be on the other side of campus at the mediation center—to be honest, Evelyn worked out the logistics all by herself after I told her my schedule, that woman was cunning.
She was probably one of the nicest professors I had met in my life, and that is saying a lot when you consider my upbringing around all my mother's colleagues. Funny enough I do not remember Professor Mace ever being around the house, back to when I still lived with my mother.
The woman was so uncharacteristically nice it felt almost out of character—considering she gave off this strong unapproachable vibe.
She even insisted on giving me her number in case I had any questions that could not wait until our next meeting. But deep inside I felt like she had another reason to do so, and it reminded me that one time Cecilia completely broke down in front of me after Miranda had left and I had no one to call and ask for help.
I had gathered my things and so had Evelyn who decided to leave for an early lunch, as we stood in front of the door, she stopped me to address the small elephant in the room.
"I know she can be impossible to deal with sometimes, God, most times to be more precise, but you should really give her time to get over her own stubbornness. I've never seen her as... fulfilled as she was when you two were... closer." I did not know what to answer to that—I could not even fathom the possibility of Cecilia telling her friend about me—so I only nodded and gave her a half smile.
I unlocked the door to leave, but as I opened it, Cecilia stood right in front of us with confusion and annoyance written all over her face. Lucky me, Professor Mace was quick to come up with a cover up story.
"Oh good, there you are. I was just about to call you and ask if you wanted to have lunch with me." she gave Cecilia a bright smile and turned to look at me, "Once again, thank you Remi, tell your mother I appreciate her landing me the book." She tapped on her suitcase, and I took that as my cue to leave.
As I walked away, I could faintly hear Cecilia question what I was really doing there.
Once I got home after third period, I changed into more comforting clothes, putting on my gray sweater pants with a black tank top. After a look around the place I figured I had studied enough for the day and it would do me some good to do some cleaning.
Once Amy and Nay had started to spend more time at my place, it always felt like a small hurricane was permanently positioned right in the middle of my living room.
After about an hour of being home I heard a forceful knock on my door, and I was sure then I knew who it was. None other than the crazy neighbor who always goes batshit crazy on me whenever she sees me around someone she even just vaguely knows.
As soon as I opened the door, she let herself inside pushing me out of the way.
"Do you have some evil plan to screw my career? Is that what you were trying to do talking with one of my supervisors today?" She was clearly going insane just for seeing me around Professor Mace and it was more pitiful than even annoying.
"Do come inside please," I ironically pointed out as I closed the door and gestured for her to sit, "Cee, you need to stop this. It is clearly making you go crazy, and it isn't doing any good to my studies." I tried to reason with her, and it took everything in me not to answer her with the same venom on my voice as she had used on hers.
She sat down, and then decided it suited her better to stay standing, or maybe she just really did not feel comfortable around me to let her guard down enough to sit beside me and have a normal conversation with me, who knows. Either way I do not think her reply would have been any different.
"Was that why you went behind my back to talk with one of my superiors? Because you think I have harmed your studies? Because that's bullshit, I know you get my lessons, I know this whole theatrical you're putting on trying to pretend like you have any questions on my class is just so you get my attention!"
That was the last drop to me, I looked to my once dining table that was now covered in Family Law books because of how desperate I was to try and keep up with her lessons so not to feel like I would fail her course.
I could feel the tears starting to form out of anger of being accused of something as childish as that.
How could someone be so self-centered like that?
She was truly undermining my studies and there I was trying to reason with her, so that she would not spontaneously combust in her own worries. After that last one all I could do was take in a deep trembling breath before shooting back.
"I'll give you that. You. Got. Nerves. You got nerves walking in like that on MY apartment, you got nerves accusing ME of trying to jeopardize something important to you when you are literally getting me close to fail on this course, you got nerves being THIS self-absorbed you cannot even notice how swamped I am on your class that my dining table is covered in books just to try but fail to catch up." I had to force myself into finishing what I had to say. That was enough.
"But most of all, you got nerves accusing ME of being the childish one. Even if you probably deserved to be screwed with, I'd not mess with your career the way you are doing with my studies." She was left speechless as she stared at my dining table, suddenly realizing it was not attention I was trying to get in class—even if I would like to have hers without having to beg for it.
She finally sat down in defeat and I sat down beside her feeling exhausted but happy to feel like I had finally gotten through to her.
"So... if you weren't trying to screw me over as you so eloquently said, what were you doing at Eve's office today?"
Right there, in that moment, I could choose to stick with the cover up story the other professor had granted me, or I could tell her the truth and hope she would be okay with it.
I was just so tired of secrets and lies and having to look over my shoulder.
"To be honest, it's sort of your fault. You talk too much apparently, so your dear friend took pity on me and decided to help me out with Family Law. I'm glad she did though, because I didn't know what else to do. Also, do you think I can still ask to switch professors?" The last part I laid down in a playful tone, I knew it was not an option.
Also, who was I kidding? I would fail that class a thousand times if it meant I got to see her face three times a week.
To my surprise, she took all I had said fairly well, apart from the last part, of course, to that I got a slap on my shoulder, a pretty hard one at that—but not really.
"Can you please not?" She said in a rather vulnerable manner which got me examining her face trying to fish for more, so after she had put her legs up hugging them while her chin was resting on her knees she continued.
"I'm sorry for being so... what were the words you used? self-absorbed, I believe. I'm sorry for being that, and I'm sorry for ignoring you, but please don't try to switch classes, I... really like having you there." For the first time, in a while she looked like the younger version of herself, I had seen framed on her wall, the free-spirited careless one.
"I can help you if you want?" she made it sound like a question as she pointed to the books on my table.
Although I could see she was trying to redeem herself, this was starting to become a habit, she would screw up and then try to compensate being overly nice, and to be honest, I just did not know which version of her to believe anymore.
"I appreciate it, but I think it's best if I keep reviewing my notes with Professor Mace, I don't want to bother you anymore than I already did. And I don't think I'd be able to get transferred to another class even if I wanted to, anyway." I gave her a half smile and stood up offering my hand to help her up as well.
"You should probably go now. I'd really appreciate if you'd believe, for the nth time, I do not want to harm you nor your job in any way." I told her as she took my hand to help her up.
I kept holding on to her hand for a little longer than I should have. I felt like every intake of breath while under her touch seemed more powerful, as if the air were filled with adrenaline.
My eyes went from our interlocked hands to her eyes, and there was just something there I could not exactly decipher.
I felt myself wanting to lean in, the urge was so strong it took everything in me to stay still, and it made me feel I was going to faint over having to fight against my own desire.
Taking a deep breath, I loosened my grip on her hand as I waited for her to completely cease the contact, but her hand did not budge. I could see she had swallowed as if trying to swallow her own words, probably so that she would not say anything she could regret later.
"Being around you makes me feel like myself again, like the version of myself I thought I had lost years ago along with my youth, and I don't know what to make of that, because I don't know how to be that version anymore. But at the same time, I want so desperately to be like that again, and I'm sorry if it's confusing, and I'm sorry if I am confusing to be around, but I want you to know, it's taking everything in me..."
I waited to know what was taking everything in her to, because it felt like she was not over, but she never finished that sentence. Instead, she started to go over to the door, walking by me as she let go of my hand.
She stopped close to my face, leaning in and leaving a feather of a kiss on my temple.
Even though her lips barely touched my skin, even though it was probably just an apology kiss to everything that had happened, all I could think about was that her lips had touched my skin.
And as if her lips were made of fire, my whole body felt like it would combust, and I felt like I no longer knew how to breath properly.
When I finally came back to my senses, I looked around to see she was gone like a short-lived mirage. I almost made myself believe I had imagined it all.
Remi
And once again, all was forgotten. All your mistakes, all the mistreatments, all the harm you had done. And even though it has been years since that day, I still don't know which version of you to believe, and now you're back and I don't know if this version of you is going to stay.