Lost
I immediately texted Colton na mamayang gabi na kami mag-usap dahil oras na para sa duty sa clubhouse nang umalis sina Ish.
Agad namang tumunog ang cellphone ko para sa isang tawag.
Colton Jace calling...
I pressed the answer button.
"Let's talk now," he told me abruptly without the pleasantries.
"No, I told you I have to work," I said with a sigh.
"No, this can't wait for later. Let's talk now," he stubbornly said.
"Colton," I said with authority. Bumuntonghininga siya. Mabigat ang loob nang magpaalam.
I was spacing out the whole time in the clubhouse. Abot-abot tuloy ang kasisita sa 'kin ni Jen. I kept on thinking about my decision. I wasn't even indecisive about it. I'm firm about my choice. I'm sure with what I want.
Si Colton lang ang inaalala ko. His probable reaction. How I would be able to open his mind for him to see things in a different light.
Our relationship is new and isn't mature yet. I understand that things like this can help in making the relationship stronger. I'm willing to compromise things for this to work.
I am very much hoping that we would be able to talk like the adults that we are. That we are both on the same page of wanting what we have to nurture. That we both have the willingness to go through this together.
I mean, I think we could agree on things and make things clear about what we like and don't like to happen. It's not like it's hard. I'm positive that we could make it possible. We can do it together.
Sa paglipad ng isip ay hindi ko na namalayan ang oras. Nabalik lang ako sa reyalidad habang nakatitig sa pinto ng unit ni Colton. Bumuga ako nang hangin bago binuksan ang pinto.
Naabutan ko siyang nakaupo sa gilid ng kama. His hands were on his side. Nakayuko siya at nakatitig sa sahig. Nang maramdaman ang presensya ko ay agad na tumayo at mabilis na lumapit sa 'kin.
He enveloped me in a warm tight hug.
"You're here..." he softly said while caressing the back of my head.
"Of course, I'll be here... Why wouldn't I?" I said while returning his hug and caressing his back.
He pulled away and cupped my face with both his hands while smiling. He then placed a kiss on my lips.
"Come, let's have dinner," he said and pulled me while walking.
"Colton..." I started since I could almost feel him avoiding the topic.
He stopped walking and his back was now facing me.
"About the offer—"
"You're not taking it," he said it like it's final.
My lips parted. "Baby, listen to me first—"
He aggressively turned to face me. "You heard me, Nayeli. You're never going to take it," he firmly said.
I tried to calm myself. "Why?" I whispered.
"What?"
"Why? Why can't I decide for myself? Who are you to decide for me?"
His lips parted. "I'm your boyfriend!" he said like I'm stupid to ask the obvious.
"And so what? Does that mean I don't have decisions of my own? Bawal ko nang gawin ang gusto ko? Colton, this is my dream we're talking about," I said while trying so hard not to raise my voice.
He came close to me and cupped my face with a stressed expression. "Baby, you can have other dreams just not that—"
"That sounds like bullshit," I cut him off. Napahilamos siya ng mukha bago tumalikod. "Colton, come on. We can work things out. We just have to talk about—"
"No. You can never convince me," he firmly said like his ears were already close about this matter.
I was starting to lose my patience. "I don't get you! What are you so angry about? What's even so wrong about it?"
"Everything! Everything about it, Nayeli! I've been there! I know how the world works in there! People would stare at you—"
"Do you even hear yourself? There you go again with your obsession of not wanting people to see me! It's ridiculous! I'm so tired of getting caged in this lifetime! And so what if they do see me? Why can't other people see me?"
"Because you're mine!"
"There. You've said it. You treat me like your possession. Colton, I am not something you own all by yourself. Stop objectifying me!"
"Then go! Go for your dreams and fucking leave me. I guess you want the attention after all. You want all those motherfuckers to gawk all over you. Go and meet all kinds of men in that line of work. I bet you're just like those other girls who can't be contented and satisfied with just one man—"
I slapped him. I was shaking after his every word.
"Colton, you of all people, must know how my dream means a lot to me." A tear fell. "You of all people know what I've been through," I sobbed. "So, how dare you? How dare you compare me with your exes? How dare you accuse me of those things when I was so willing to compromise and make things work for us? How dare you when I'm still trying to give us a chance while I chase for my dreams?"
Tears were falling non-stop from my eyes.
"Ito ba ang gusto mo? Then fine." I wiped away all the tears. "Thank you for everything. There's no question that you've played a big part in my life. I'm grateful for all the memories we shared. I promise to make our breakup worth it. I hope you well, too."
My inside were trembling as I turned to walk away. I couldn't believe this. Is this really happening? I was just on my third step when a pair of warm hands tightly imprisoned me in a hug.
"No, no, baby. I'm sorry, Nayeli... I love you, I love you so much. I'm sorry for all the things I said. You know I didn't mean it... I love you. I love you so much. Please, baby... I'm sorry...please..."
I shut my eyes tightly and let all the tears fall. I could almost hear him sobbing from behind me.
"I'm sorry, baby, please, I love you...don't leave me, Nayeli..." He kept on saying and just wouldn't stop.
I turned to face him. Tears were streaming down his face.
"Please, baby, anything you want but just not that. Anything but that, baby, please. I love you very much..." he said with so much desperation.
I pulled my hands up to wipe his tears. I let my hands gently rub off the traces on his face.
"Colton..." I uttered. "This isn't healthy..." I softly said and cupped his face. "We still have a lot of time ahead of us and we should be reaching for our dreams—"
"But you are the dream, Nayeli," he cut me off. "You're all I ever wanted. To be with you forever is my dream..." he said almost begging.
I bowed my head and shook it. I then brought back my gaze to him.
"You shouldn't lose yourself for me, Colton. I'm sure, amazing things are up on your way as well. I know you're bound to something spectacular..." I stroked his cheeks. "I'm sorry but I'm choosing myself first, Colton. I'm letting you choose yourself. Let's find our ways back to where we're supposed to be. I'm chasing my dream. I hope we can be the best we can as we part ways. I will always wish you well, Colton. I love you..." I said and placed a soft kiss on his lips for the last time.
Inipon ko ang natitirang lakas para tumalikod at maglakad papalayo. Narinig ko pa ang pagsinghap niya at ang mabilis na pagkapit niya sa braso ko.
"No, no, don't do this—" he said and embraced me tightly.
I shut my eyes tightly and exerted effort to get free from his hug. He remained begging until the very end. I closed the door of his room while my heart breaks. That night, I lost the love of my life to go after my dreams.