To Lee Eunsang.
Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this.
I guess things turned out like this, huh? Who am I kidding, I knew it would become like this from the very beginning.
If I only had the courage to say all the things I wanted to tell you.
But I was too much of a coward, so now I only have myself to blame. And I am writing you this letter, which I am probably never going to show you since I've decided to burn in afterwards.
Pretty pathetic, isn't it?
Eunsang-ah, I want to thank you. For being my first friend, for talking to me and not judging me like all the others did. I'll always be grateful and happy we met.
You know, one day someone is going to take advantage of your kindness. Don't worry though, I'll be there to protect you.
It's hard to not fall in love with you...
But you aren't even aware of that yourself. Maybe that's why you're such a pabo all the time.
Everything is my fault, really.
I should never have fallen in love with you. How can I not, though?
How can I stop myself from falling when you're so kind, caring and looks out for me? You're always there for me, like no one else.
When I'm with you, I feel complete. Like i can be myself without fearing anything.
Lee Eunsang, I am in love with you.
I'm in love with the way your hair becomes messy after sleeping, I love your blending smile that lights up my day and I absolutely adore your way of fighting and pushing even when times are hard.
If only I could have been as strong as you.
After all, I'm just me. Cha Junho.
The 16-year old loner that no one really likes. I hate their fake laughter and the way they try to befriend me, even if I know most of them just wants to get to you.
I'm really odd, aren't I? Writing a latter for my unrequited love, one that he'll never read. I could be out living my life but I doubt I have such luck.
No one really likes me. I know, they don't have to pretend like they do.
And Minhee, he's wonderful. I'm happy for you, I really am.
Kang Minhee, he's liked by so many and he's kind too. He's friendly, funny, smart and likable. I don't blame you for falling in love.
You guys are perfect for each other.
Today he even talked to me and I realized how pretty and nice he is. I like him. He didn't want to befriend me just because of you, I could feel it.
Somehow, I know he will be a true friend and great boyfriend. A good person.
You better treat him well, though I know you will.
Remember to text me once in a while, alright? I know you'll want to spend much time with your boyfriend anyways and that's fine by me.
Just...don't leave me behind.
Actually, it's alright. I'm just being selfish again.
I'll be fine. I hope. Go be happy, that's all I wish for you.
Seeing you fall in love....it makes me happy. We are best friends forever, I tell myself.
Nothing more. Never more than that.
I can't really offer you anything and he's so much more than I'll ever be. You love him, don't you?
And he makes you so happy you feel like you want to spend every living moment together with him, doesn't he?
I hope you guys will last for a long time. Love him and cherish him forever, Eunsang-ah. I know he loves you so much too, because he told me.
It's getting late. I should probably go to sleep and wait until the sun rises up, I know I won't be able to fall asleep anyways. Hey, Eunsang?
You deserve to be happy.
Goodbye,
Junho
~~
Void.
And emptiness. That was all he felt when he stared at the white, clean halls that smelt like alcohol and medicine.
Somehow, the hospital had become one of the places he despised.
In his hands he was holding a small bouquet of sunflowers and white roses. Just the thought of buying daisies made him sick already, not wanting to remember the last time he had seen them.
Blood. Junho coughing. Blood, blood and so many beautifully terrifying daises.
Eunsang heaved a shaky breath. The flowers in his hand looked pitiful, almost as if they already knew what damage they had done.
What he had done.
The redhead noticed how his hands were trembling, a thin layer of sweat forming on his palms. He was alone today, although it wasn't the first time he had visited Junho since his childhood friend woke up.
Everything felt so strange, so absent. Ever since Junho uttered the words "Who are you?" he couldn't get a single drop of sleep. It bugged him to no end and Eunsang felt numb.
His best friend had been in love with him.
Cha Junho had loved him to the point of dying.
An unrequited love, that's the cause of the disease. The doctor said Junho would be fine, but some of his memories would be deleted forever. He already felt that something was off and the moment he stepped into that cursed room, the moment Junho opened his eyes...
Hanahaki was a curse. A painful, choking curse that left loss even without anyone knowing. It scarred and tore, slowly breaking a person from the inside out.
He knows he should be happy Junho is alive. Eunsang is really thankful, hell, he even jumped around and screamed the moment he heard Junho's surgery went well. But he just can't bring himself to look at his hyung's face, not after knowing he caused Junho that much pain.
They all caused him this pain.
It must be some kind of karma for them to suffer the consequences. To have him forget them, erasing every single moment of him from the older's memory and leave then them puzzling the threads together bit by bit.
Explaining who they were had been the hardest part. Junho was more than helpful, but he realized their relationship would never be the same ever again.
None of them really took Junho's words very well the night after his surgery. The memory alone gave him a headache.
"Hyung, are you joking? Please say you're kidding!"
"Junho-ah, don't do this to us."
"It's not funny, you know?"
"Please tell us you are lying right now. Just...please-"
He failed Junho.
Eunsang wanted to curl up and cry and beat himself over what he caused. But he knew Junho, the older wouldn't want him to do that.
At least now they knew why Junho tried to leave.
He felt stupid for being mad at the brunette. Foolish and stupid, that's what he has been. If he just stopped to really ask Junho if he was alright, if he had just dared to confront the older...
It was too late now. There was nothing he could change anymore, he couldn't go back.
Knocking lightly on the door, his heart heavy, Eunsang tried to shake off his thoughts. He'd at least try to look happy for Junho. The new Junho. ( or the same one? He didn't know. It was hard to believe he even knew that much about the brunette anymore )
Minhee, just like the others, had been there for him. He was relieved he had his boyfriend as support, even if it hurt to look at Junho at first, both of them being in the same room as the older.
They had been there for each other, frankly. It was hard to miss the gloomy look on their faces and Eunsang knew their feelings was similar to his. Neither of them has been doing good since Junho woke up, to be honest.
Obviously Junho wanted to leave because he knew this would happen. The older had always been so unselfish and kind, always thinking about others.
If he knew from the beginning, he still wouldn't let Junho go. Even if it hurt him to just look at that all too familiar smile, to see Junho's face and hear him welcome them like they hadn't hurt him from the beginning.
He couldn't help Junho, couldn't save him, couldn't give him a happy life. Instead he ruined the brunette's future instead.
There was a time when he thought he could do anything for the older. Back then, he had only been a child. And children were yet to experience life in its suffocating moments.
"Come in, I just finished eating." He flinched upon hearing Junho's voice, putting a small reminder in his head to loose that before it became a bad habit.
Carefully tipping the door open, he peeked in and plastered a smile on his face. It was better if he didn't show the older how he really felt, so he tried to make the smile look as convincing as he could.
Junho smiled the moment they locked eyes and he had to swallow the urge to cry once again.
"What brings you here, Eunsang-ah?" The brunette's voice was soft, a sign he was slowly recovering from the operation. He wondered when Junho was to be released from the hospital and where he'd go after all this mess.
Eunsang blinked, shaking his head as he realized he'd been staring. It's quite hard to ignore the nasal cannula and the breathing mask hanging beside the heart monitor. He came to the conclusion that he hates that beeping sound.
"That.that was your name, right? Did I say it wrong?" All of sudden, Junho looked almost sad and he had to look away, shaking his head.
"N-no, you said it right. I just...." He didn't finish the sentence, still refusing to face the older. Junho's expression would surely break his heart all over again.
Who was he kidding, though? He had been the one breaking the brunette's heart.
"Here, I brought you some flowers." Flushing as he kept his gaze locked on the ground, Eunsang listened closely when Junho accepted the gift, a rustling sound following the older as he moved.
"Thank you." Those words were warm and he could hear the smile through it, even if he knew flowers wasn't really Junho's favorites right now.
The redhead dared to look up, breath hitching when he was met with Junho's brown and curious eyes. His heart was clenching and as if it wanted him to suffer, his brain repeated the memory of when they first met.
A memory Junho no longer had.
Not wanting to scare the older away, he gave a weak smile before sitting down on the chair beside the hospital bed. Junho didn't say anything further, just putting down the flowers and started to drum on the book cover with his fingers as if he was nervous.
Wait a minute. Eunsang recognized that book!
"Hey hyung, were did you get that book?" Junho blinked at him, looking a bit confused.
"Oh, I just asked my sister to bring it for me. It's one of my favorite books, why?" Ah, he should've known.
He was the one to gift Junho it on his 15th birthday. And the older reread it more than a thousand times, claiming it was just that good. It had been his most treasured book and Junho always kept it in the pile of his favorite books on the top shelf in his old room.
Eunsang fiddled with his hoodie, not quite wanting to meet those brown observant orbs. "No, I just recall it from the time we grew up together."
There was a sudden pang in his chest as he realized Junho would never remember him again. At least, not in his own. The brunette wouldn't even look at him the same again.
Ever.
All those beautiful and happy memories...now he was the only one with them. It was funny how much one could destroy so much unknowingly, isn't it?
He wanted to be selfish. He wanted to have his best friend back, his childhood friend and hyung back.
But neither of this was anyone's fault, only his own. If he was honest, he didn't want Junho to remember, not after all the pain he went through. All the hurt, all the heartbreak.
It was painful even now.
He was hurting, yes, but at least the older wouldn't be going through any pain like that ever again. Eunsang would make sure he was happy and laughing again, without needing to know the harsh truth.
Unbeknownst to him, Junho was studying him with an unreadable face.
"Hey, Eunsang-ah?" He snapped out of his thoughts when the older spoke up, turning to face Junho with a small smile.
"Hm? What is it, hyung?" The brunette seemed to hesitate, looking down at his hands for a moment before his eyes met Eunsang's.
"We were good friends before all of this, right?"
A pause of silence lay upon them.
Eunsang swallowed thickly, heart clenching at the earnest look on Junho's face. The older had no idea what he was asking for and he couldn't blame Junho either, but just having to tell him about the past was painful enough.
He didn't know how much longer he'd keep up before he started to cry.
His best friend had woken up with no memories of him nor their friends. In fact, he hadn't remembered anything about them at all. It was like all the moments he spent with Junho was erased from the older's head and replaced with something else, something vague.
Like he never was there to help Junho build his first snowman.
Nor played basketball with him after the last lesson, both of them going to Eunsang's house afterwards to study and eat snacks together.
It was like he never existed at all, let alone walked with Junho to school every day. Eunsang, in the moment Junho asked them who they were, wanted to shake the older and yell at him, waiting for the joke to be revealed.
There was never a joke from the beginning.
And not only that, just like they had been erased from Junho's head, the brunette didn't remember having hanahaki.
That was a relief though, because he didn't want his friend to remember such horrible things. He didn't want Junho to remember the pain or the flowers or the blood.
Soon after they discovered the fact that Junho was probably not ever going to be the same again, his tears came once again. He was too exhausted, too tired to even sob. So he just hugged Minhee closer and inhaled the scent of his boyfriend, hoping he'd feel better.
Junho still remembered his family, childhood and college mayor, even those times they spent together but without any of them in it.
At times, they even discovered some of his memories fully gone and unable to be restored.
He couldn't remember how many times he asked Junho if he knew who he was. The answer was the same every time.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't fair. Junho wasn't the one who needed to apologize.
"Yeah. We practically grew up together."
He offered the older a smile before sitting back quickly, wanting to change the subject as fast as he could.
"So, when you are released from the hospital, are you coming back to the dorm?" The brunette simply shrugged, thankfully being kind enough not to comment on him switching into another subject.
"Was I going to leave or what?" There was a hint of laughter in Junho's eyes and even if Eunsang didn't find the joke especially fun, he still smiled at the older. He promised not to tell Junho about what happened, ever.
At least he owed the older that.
"Eunsang-ah?" Yes, you were. And I was mad at you for it. I was stupid enough not to see the blood strains on your shirt that you so desperately tried to hide or hear how you threw up daisies every night until you could breath properly again.
He needed to get through this. For Junho. Right now was not the right time for him to blame himself over what happened.
"No, all your things are still there." Eunsang felt kind of selfish, but he was scared of letting Junho go, even now.
He had a hard time adapting to this new reality, but at least everything hadn't been a lie.
Shortly after Junho had woken up, his noona helped them move back all his things to his room, some kind of gloomy atmosphere hanging over them. The redhead hadn't even been able to look her in the eyes, not wanting to face the pain there.
Junho hummed almost quietly and he shut his eyes slowly, leaning back into the pillows.
Maybe the older was falling asleep soon, the nurse did say he needed some rest. Eunsang didn't want to bother him when he was at his weakest. Recovering was important, you know?
Before he could say anything, the brunette spoke up again. "I'll move back to my old room, if you don't mind?"
The red haired male only nodded. To be honest, he hadn't even dared to open the door to Junho's room after moving everything back.
He didn't even want to be in the room, even if it never did anything to him.
Things just simply didn't feel the same anymore.
"These flowers, where'd you buy them?" Eunsang blinked, surprised the brunette would ask about the flowers of everything he could've asked about.
Feeling slightly embarrassed, he felt how the shyness settled in and his cheeks colored slightly red. Junho only smiled gently, patiently waiting on him to continue.
Who would've thought, even now the older was nice to him even if he didn't deserve it.
It was quite nice though, both of them just sitting and talking. He felt like it was the old times again, before that cursed disease and Junho's surgery.
No matter what happened, he felt like Junho would always make him comfortable in some way. Like home.
Yeah, home...
The older was quiet most of the time, but he knew Junho and the shyness was still very adorable to him even to this day.
He felt his heart warm, for once not stone cold as he looked at the brunette. It was almost easy to forget what situation they were in.
Almost.
A giggle broke him out of his dark thoughts, immediately making him break into a smile. He had made Junho laugh. Eunsang decided it was one of his favorite things right now.
Just a distraction would make him forget the reality.
"Why don't you guys come by so often? We should hang out more." His smile faded as fast as it came. Knowing exactly why neither of them really came made him feel guilty for not telling Junho.
They used to be able to tell each other everything. But not anymore. Eunsang didn't know if it would be that way ever again.
He hoped the older hadn't been feeling lonely.
Before Junho could notice his expression, Eunsang quickly flashed him a smile again, not wanting his face to show how terrible he felt.
He changed the subject again, Junho too distracted by his stories to notice. Which, in fact, he was very grateful for.
The brunette was listening to him with such amazement and curiosity in his eyes Eunsang couldn't help but chuckle, being reminded of a little kid waiting patiently for candy and presents.
Eunsang poured his mind out, telling Junho as many memories from their childhood as he could. He even told him about their life before the "accident"'and hoped Junho would at least remember what he wanted to tell the older.
He was already aware of it being impossible for Junho to remember them again. So all he could do was to fill Junho with his own memories, hoping the older would paint those pictures just like he had done before.
It was a foolish wish, he knew. But he had hope and at least it was there, even if it was a small shimmer of light in his heart.
"You know, once when we went to get ice cream..." Eunsang talked like there was no time to pass, happy with how fascinated Junho looked like.
The older always told Eunsang to tell him more, expectant eyes so big and innocent.
As much as he loved telling stories for an unusually bright brunette, he couldn't see shake off the feeling of that this was not his Junho.
Maybe Junho never really changed. Maybe this was the real him, a person Junho tried to hide from them so badly.
A person who carried a lot of pain and wisdom in his eyes, looking exhausted yet was smiling at someone when they were in the hospital. Someone who would sacrifice his happiness for others.
He did good so far in ignoring the hospital tools all around them.
The redhead wondered who the older was after they were gone and Junho was left alone.
What if this never happened? He wished it everyday, wanting to wake up from a really bad dream, Minhee beside him and Junho making coffee for the both of them in the kitchen.
It was never going to happen.
He hated himself for not even being able to touch Minhee anymore. Eunsang couldn't face the person he trusted the most. He was that much of a coward.
Minhee seemed to be avoiding him too, even if it never really hit him until now. Junho wouldn't have liked this at all, he knew the brunette would've made them talk to each other and when it didn't work, he'd even lock the both of them into a room to make them confront each other.
Too bad the old Junho died together with his disease.
Eunsang felt sick.
Of everything but mostly of himself.
Even if it was a ridiculous question, would it be possible for him to love Junho?
He was very sure he'd be able to fall in love too, just like Junho did. But he didn't.
And the older never told him.
That fact hurt him more than seeing Junho cough up blood on the floor.
Was this all his fault?
If he only could go back, maybe he'd try, try so Junho wouldn't be suffering like this.
The older would've slapped him. Junho did that once, in fact, but not purposely.
But he knew Junho was serious when he talked about how much he wanted them all to be happy. If he had just stopped for once and asked them for help, if he had just reached out, maybe...
Just maybe-
"I'm so sorry." He didn't bother to keep his voice steady.
How he felt now, he could never compare it to how Junho felt.
The older had deserved so much, everything in the world, because ever since they met each other, he had been Eunsang's world, best friend, soulmate, childhood friend and so, so much more.
Yet he couldn't love Junho the way he needed him to. He couldn't save one of the most important persons in his life.
Eusang hadn't done anything. He had just been a mere bystander. And now he would have to live with that knowledge for the rest of his life.
"Why?" Junho looked confused, but there was something deeper in his eyes.
It was like the brunette tried to stop him from his misery he caused himself, scolding Eunsang about how all this was not his fault at all. He knew the older too well.
Even if Junho wouldn't remember, his personality was still the same. He still reacted the same, gave off the same signals and was still the kind, shy boy Eunsang met years ago.
Until he wasn't anymore.
The redhead hated how kind and good he had to be.
Eunsang shook his head and pushed his tears back, forcing up a smile.
"Nothing."