And he hoped to find all the love he had lost in that earlier time.
***
I didn't get a wink of sleep. It didn't matter about the weed burning its way out of my system, or how late it was. My mind was racing at a million miles a second.
Despite how upset I was, a part of me had that weird bubbly feeling that came along with kissing someone I'd so desperately wanted to kiss for years. But the butterflies were making me sick, twisting up with something much worse inside me, much darker. It was disgust and confusion and hurt and a crippling worry for Rye, who's wellbeing managed to remain at the forefront of my mind no matter how savagely he'd managed to rip my heart out of my chest. I didn't know how to process any of it, still having no clue if Rye's actions had anything to do with feelings for me, or if it was all just a byproduct of whatever pain had sent him spiralling. He'd said he wasn't gay and despite all the evidence to the contrary, I was inclined to believe him, nothing up until today having ever given me a enough of a reason to suspect otherwise.
It was the loneliness that cut me the deepest, a dull but deep pain that twisted within me, preventing me from falling asleep. Rye had always been my protector, the one person whose unconditional love I could count on through every season of my life. Having him hate me now, especially for reasons I couldn't fathom, was devastating.
As tempting as the idea of staying in my bed forever was, when morning came I had little choice but to drag my zombie ass out of bed and down to the theatre department. I was late enough to garner a reprimand from the director, but at least I was spared from the effort of having to socialise with anyone, rushing into costume and straight into the rehearsal. Thankfully due to it being a technical rehearsal, I didn't have to do much more than go through the motions, moving across the stage from mark to mark, playing the titular character meaning I was onstage more often than not. In the rare breaks I did have, the only person I could tolerate being near was Brook because he didn't ask any questions. He simply sat with me in solidarity under the mutual agreement that we would be each other's shields. He protected me from Olivia's well meant attempts at a third degree, and Jack could only glare from a distance, not daring to approach Brook while I was with him. It was a tenuous arrangement but one that seemed to work for the both of us, for the time being at least while every bit of my energy that wasn't being sapped up by the show was channelled into my worry for Rye.
That was only day one, and it didn't get any easier from there, because Rye didn't come home, therefore giving me zero chance for a resolution. I strongly suspected he was crashing with Sonny, doing whatever the hell it was they did together, and that thought offered me little peace. I only managed to shut them out while I was acting onstage, slipping into Evan's brain giving me a way of compartmentalising it all. But as soon as I was back in my own clothes, I had no choice but to be Andy again, and at the moment being Andy was not a lot of fun.
I just wished I could flick the reset switch on this entire year, knowing that no matter how wonderful it was to be playing my dream role in a university production, I would give it all up if it meant Rye and I could go back to being the way we were over summer. But something told me that was a version of us we'd never get back.
By the third night it was all too much, and I gave into my urge to blow his phone up, spending most of the night crying and pleading with his voicemail. After the first few attempts my calls started getting directed there without even ringing first, yet I still persisted, convinced that if I tried even one more time the message might get through to him; for whatever I had done, I was sorry, and I just wanted him back.
The following day was to be our final dress rehearsal, and also apparently the day that Olivia decided she would tolerate my silence no more.
"Andy, love," her voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I'd been too busy staring into space to find Brook yet as I'd diligently done every other morning.
"Sorry," I muttered, coming to my senses.
"Are you okay?" she probed gently. "Your eyes are all red."
"Just didn't get much sleep last night," I answered, not totally dishonestly. "Nerves, you know?"
She smiled understandingly. "Come on. I'll do your makeup for you."
I didn't have a good enough reason to refuse so I followed her to her dressing room, letting her sit me down on a beanbag while she sorted out her makeup supplies. I forced a smile when she turned on me with a brush, which she clearly didn't buy for a second.
"Are you sure it's just nerves that's bothering you? You've been kind of off all week." I bit my lip, feeling tears prick to my eyes just at the question, already having been lingering dangerously close to the surface.
"I don't know," I whispered.
"Andy." She looked me directly in the eyes. "Whatever it is you can tell me."
I considered her offer, torn on whether I should take it up. Of course I was reluctant to admit to her the details of the story that I wasn't proud of myself, not wanting to be judged and continuing to feel that if Brook didn't know then no one else should. But at the same time, I had so many bottled up emotions that I was on the edge of bursting, and confiding in someone with no direct involvement in the situation could be exactly what I needed. In the end it was too tempting to resist, my incoming onslaught of tears urging me to accept. "Okay," I said.
I told her everything. From Rye's friendship with Sonny, to my relationship with Brook.
"Sonny Robertson?" she interrupted when I brought up his name.
"Yeah. You know him?"
"Heard of him," she muttered. "Go on."
I continued to tell her about my old feelings that had arisen, the dark choices they had lead me to make on New Years Eve, and the subsequent revelations I'd found out about Jack and Brook. She listened silently the whole time, working on my makeup with gentle brushstrokes. I teared up when I reached the point of the story where Rye kissed me, and she delicately placed two cotton pads beneath my bottom eyelashes to catch the tears without ruining her work. She stroked my cheek when I had finished, holding my hand as I calmed down.
"I think we're gonna need the waterproof mascara, huh?" she said. I let out a sniffly laugh at that.
"Probably a good idea."
"You know I've done seven of these shows now," she began, rifling through her makeup bag until she found the mascara she was looking for. "There's always drama, but I have to say this one might take the cake."
"That's encouraging," I groaned. "Since you're the master, what do you think I should do then?"
"Well I think you and Brook need to let each other go for starters."
I wasn't expecting that considering she'd always been the captain of our ship up until this point. "Really?"
"Don't get me wrong, you're cute, and I think there is something good between you," she answered. "But maybe it's better as a friendship for now. At least while you both sort out whatever you've got going on with these other guys."
I nodded, seeing the logic in what she was saying. "That makes sense, I suppose."
"And as for the other guy," she went on. "I know you love him, but you've done all you can, Andy. I think you're just gonna have to wait for him to come back to you."
"But what if he doesn't?" I croaked out.
"Then you have to move on, love."
My heart was heavy with those words as we went into the rehearsal, because how was I supposed to move on from someone who had been a constant in my life for as long as I could remember? Even as I slipped into character I could feel the weight of those words, feeling them particularly heavily during one of my early solos.
"I climb higher and higher
I climb until the entire sun shines on my face."
I came off the high note at the end of the phrase, something seeming to break within me as I sang the next section, the friendship described in the lyrics mirroring my friendship with Rye in a way I hadn't considered before. Or maybe I was just seeing connections everywhere because he was all I could think about.
"Then I suddenly feel the branch give way
I'm on the ground
My arm goes numb
I look around
And I see he's come to get me
He's come to get me."
The music continued but I couldn't sing on, the tears rolling down my cheeks choking up my throat. Olivia looked at me with concern that I could tell went beyond the character she was playing, encouraging me with her eyes as I got myself together enough to finish off the last few lines of the song.
"Buddy, you and I for forever this way, this way
All we see is light
'Cos the sun burns bright
We could be alright for forever this way
Two friends
True friends
On a perfect day."
Olivia gave me a small smile as I finished, letting out a sigh of relief at having gotten through it.
"Beautiful, Andy," the director called out. "Just reign in the emotion a tiny bit, okay bud? We need all those lyrics."
I nodded at her and we continued on, not getting much further into the rehearsal before we were interrupted again. Brook and I were onstage acting the scene before the next song when Jack missed his cue to come on. A few people called his name out but he wasn't in the wings, or anywhere to be found nearby for that matter.
"It's our last dress run, this really isn't acceptable guys," the director huffed, even though it was nobody in the room's fault that Jack wasn't around. "Find him please, and then we're starting the whole thing again." There was a collective groan in the room, everyone already tired from the long week it had been.
Brook went up to the dressing rooms to look while I went outside for some air. I didn't expect to find Jack out there, but I wasn't exactly keen to be the person who brought him back in anyway. Nevertheless I spotted him in the distance conversing with someone a little ways away from the auditorium. I sighed as I began jogging over to him, feeling like I vaguely recognised the guy he was talking to. I'd definitely never met him, but felt like I'd seen his face around at a party at least. The guy seemed to want to leave pretty quickly when he noticed me approaching, doing a little handshake with Jack before bolting away. Jack shoved his hands in his pocket as he turned to look at me.
"What do you want?" he asked, the bluntness not fazing me, having grown accustomed to it from him by now.
"They're looking for you," I said.
"Okay, lets go in then," he said quickly, and though his lack of a snarky response surprised me, I certainly wasn't going to complain about it. We walked in silence back into the auditorium where the director told Jack off for missing his cue in front of the entire cast before restarting the rehearsal.
***
Packing up at the end of the day, I considered whether the time was right to have the talk I needed to have with Brook or if it was better left until after the show. A break up on the eve of our opening night wasn't the best idea but Olivia was right about it being unhealthy for us to stay together as a way of avoiding our issues. I was just worried that Brook, whose idea it had been to keep everything bottled up between us, wouldn't be as understanding if I were to suddenly abandon our arrangement.
The timing probably wasn't right, I concluded, heading for the bathroom instead of his dressing room. It had been a long day and I figured the best thing for our sanity at this point would be to at least attempt getting a good night's sleep.
I swung the bathroom door open, immediately halting in my tracks as I noticed Jack already in there, his head bent low over the sink. I frowned, wondering if he was ill or something, but my stomach turned as his head rose, noticing the traces of white powder scattered across his shirt. He rose up to meet my eyes, his pupils blown wide and shining.
"Shit," he giggled.
A\N: oh no 🙈 i've gone and done it again with the cliffhanger. seriously didn't realise when i wrote this how dramatically i ended every chapter lol
i hope you enjoyed this surprise a day early! i'm considering switching to daily uploads now i've got the ball rolling on this thing. what do you guys think? would you prefer that over every other day? i'll consider this an experiment anyway.
thanks for reading and thanks for all your comments and votes, makes my day always to see them. love xxx