She pulled back from him slightly, to gauge his reaction. Glazed, hooded eyes, filled with affection, maybe even love, looked back at her. She nuzzled into the warmth of his neck and he tucked her in close. "So you know, it's not all bad, Joseph was too young to remember, so he doesn't have any sense of loss, and financially, Holly and he are set. But you know a lot now, everything," Eric pulled her in. "Yeah. Thanks for telling me, sweetheart." He let the endearment out without thinking about it.
"Joseph's old enough to remember things now, and he knows that his dad is dead but that's it and I don't wanna let him down." He tipped his chin, resting it on her head.
"You know what? This is exactly what I want to talk to you about." He felt her tense up. "You're a real aunt now, maybe more." Noelle swallowed hard, throat locked up tighter than a safe. "Yeah."
Where was he going with this?
"There's a lot of responsibility with that." Oh no. Not this again.
"Yeah, I know. Temporarily at least." His eyes narrowed, and she shifted off of his lap, and back into her chair, looking at him.
"What do you mean?" His eyes flicked to a spot beyond her shoulder.
"What do you mean what do I mean? It's not like I'm his mom." She was getting defensive, not wanting to listen his holier-than-thou lecture on parenting and responsibilities and life adjustments.
"So you're planning to make adjustments?" There it was.
"Something like that." She pushed a stand of her hair back out of her face with a distracted hand.
"Something like that?" She swallowed sandpaper, a bitter taste forming in her mouth.
"Yeah, something like that, Eric." She crossed her arms, feeling heat bubble up in her. "Maybe Holly will want to bring him up a little bit more often now, but it's not really gonna be up to me."
"You could go down sometimes too?" Noelle felt her mouth dry and a flash of heat went to her face. "Listen Eric, I don't really need to be told how I should behave with Joseph, I'm not you and Joseph isn't Rudolph, we will never be like you guys are." Noelle couldn't understand why she was getting so angry. Maybe she was picking a fight because it was going too well, and she needed to sabotage.
"I'm not the parent you are Eric, I never will be and it won't matter how hard I try,"
"I'm not his parent Noelle. Please remember my sister died, I had to learn how to do this too." He said quietly and
she immediately softened.
"Eric I know I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...." she trailed off.
"You're doing a great job. Joseph thinks so too. We all see what you're doing. You're way ahead of where I was. You've been with Joseph only a few days, I was weeks maybe months with Rude before I got to this point. He's really happy. And actually, I have been really happy too this last little while. You make me happy. And I hope that I've made you happy too-" It was Eric's turn to trail off, and Noel had no idea how to respond, so he went on.
"But you realise he's your nephew right? And for the last few weeks, he's basically been your son. Not some Facebook friend that you rekindled a conversation with five years after high school." Why was she getting angry? Wasn't she getting this? It was so simple? "I don't really get how you can be so nonchalant about this. About him."
"What do you want me to do Eric?" Her voice turned to ice. "Should I ask Holly to move in with her so that I can win world's best aunt, which apparently only you can award?"
"No, no, you're not getting the point."
"Then tell me the point."
"Look, I just wanted to make sure you understand how he sees this now. What you are to him now."
"It's like you're suggesting that I'm gonna disappear or something. It'll just go back to what they were a few weeks ago. What's wrong with that?"
"He might want more."
"Then we'll figure it out, I just don't know why you think this is any of your business. We're never gonna turn into you and Rudy if that's what you think." Eric flinched.
"That's not what I meant. I'm just saying that you might have to put his needs in front of yours, that's what you do."
"I've had enough of this crap. I don't know what you want from me." She was nearly shouting, and then there was silence.
"I don't either." Eric nearly whispered, "I can't speak for Joseph, but Rudolph would love us to be in some rom-com where the mom and solo dad get married and live happily ever after. One big, happy family. Maybe that's what I want too."
"You know that would never work."
"Then where do we go from here?" He asked her. Dealing with Eric in social situations as a 'friend', potentially watching other women hit on him, is that what she wanted? That made her upset, and even worse, it made her feel lonely. She turned away, looking out the window, her head exploding with possible answers, but all she could get out was a single word. "Nowhere."
"Oh." She saw the look of hurt and surprise twitch across his face. "Ok then," He stood up and crossed to where he had left his scarf, fumbling as he wound it around his neck, avoiding her eyes. She hadn't moved from her seat, was still staring at the ground. "Rudolph!" He called down the hallway. "Time to go buddy," The boys showed up a moment later.
"We'll see you for Joseph's birthday party?" Noell finally moved to the door, without looking at Eric, pasting a grimace on her face for Rudolph's sake.
"You bet!" He said back. Out they went.
"Come on Joseph!" Noelle called down the hallway of her little bungalow a few minutes later, "Let's watch your Mom, she's on for the last time today!" Except that when they turned the TV on, it wasn't Holly reading the news at all.
Holly laid in her bed, the lights off, curtains shut, staring at the ceiling. From her nightstand cane the buzzing of her phone, which hurt her ears. She squinted to see that it was her sister Noelle calling.
"Hello?" she whispered, having lost her voice.
"Hols! Are you ok? What's going on?"
"I'm so sorry Noelle, I have the flu." She croaked out, "Is Joseph there?"
"Mommy!" She jerked the phone away
from her ear, her little son's voice ringing too loudly for her pounding head. "Where were you tonight?"
"Hi sweety! I'm at home in bed. I'm sick."
"Did you take some medicine?" He asked.
"Yes, sweety, I went to the doctor today and I took some medicine. But I'm going to be sick for another few days."
"You're not coming tomorrow?"
"I'm so sorry sweety, I can't." Joseph's bottom lip started quivering, and Noelle put her arms around his shoulders. When they had finished talking, Joseph handed the phone back to Noelle.
"Ok, take care." She hung up and stopped a big sigh escaping from her lips and instead gave him a smile and then a hug, "So, what kind of cake do you wanna eat on your birthday?" Noelle had a birthday party to organise.
"Hols isn't going to make it this weekend, she has the flu. What do I do for Joseph's birthday?" Worry lines crinkled her forehead as she spoke to her brother.
"Deep breath, first of all." Nick must have heard the worry in her voice. "And second of all, something simple. I'll be over soon, we'll figure it out."
***
Nicholas looked up from his peeler.
"You've got circles under your eyes, Noelle? What's up?" He stood next to her in the kitchen, peeling and cutting up carrots, tossing the chunks into a pot.
"A certain someone keep you up?"
Noelle didn't know if he meant Joseph or Eric but she gave a little snort, her lips curling down dismissively. Thinking about everything had kept her up the entire night, and she was certain that it would happen again, considering what had happened with Eric just earlier. "Just tired, that's all. You know what it's like this time of year." She wasn't going to tell him what had happened. She didn't need another lecture from her older brother. He returned to the vegetables. "Up all night thinking about him then?"
"Same old business stuff stressing me out, that's all. It's a bit much with little J around too. Not that I haven't liked having him - actually it's been great with him."
"Yeah, I feel the same way. It's different for you with Eric though isn't it?" He put down the vegetables and the peele, not letting it go.
"I don't know what it is, so I'd prefer if we just forgot about it for now. Plus, we have a birthday to plan." She swirled around the ice cubes in her drink, taking a sip and sucking it into her windpipe, breaking out into a coughing fit. She clapped a hand over her mouth, leaning forward. Nicholas offered a napkin. "Went down the wrong way?"
Noelle nodded, dabbing the napkin to her eyes. Nicholas's stare bored into her, he could tell her wet eyes weren't from the coughing fit. "What's going on Elle?"
"Did something happen? Did he upset you?" If only it were as simple as Eric upsetting her. More tears appeared. Shaking her head, Noelle wiped her nose with the napkin, shaking her head.
"Deep breaths," Her brother said, then added."Falling in love is scary." She looked up at him, and more tears started leaking out. Noelle shook her head and forced a laugh which just squeaked and died. "I don't know." She lowered her voice, "And until I can figure out where Eric and Joseph fit in all of this...I just don't want anyone hurt."
"Too late for that Elle, cause you've hurt yourself."
"Anyone else then, if things don't work out."
"Why wouldn't they work out?"Nicholas said.
"I don't know- it just feels like a bad idea."
"But why?" Nicholas held up a hand. "You're scared."
Noelle threw him a sour look. "I'm not scared."
"You are, because it's real." Nicholas was right. But she wasn't ready to admit that to anyone else, she had only just admitted it to herself. So she fixed her lips into a smile and waved her hand dismissively. "It's more that I haven't had you know, a relationship, in a long time. Not even a date." She figured that might get her brother off her back, but no, Nicholas leveled a flat stare at her.
"Not for anyone's lack of trying,"
"I feel like we've had this conversation before."
"And you still didn't listen." Nicholas finished up with the carrots, and popped some pork chops into the oven. "Maybe you should just take him on a date, spend some time with him without the boys. I bet you'd have a great time. realize what he is, what you guys are. Dad and I can even watch Rudolph and Joseph." Noelle rolled her eyes and got out the cutlery and plates to set the table.. A great time? She hoped so. But she had probable screwed something like that from happening again already.
***
He woke to a cry of a night bird. Goose pimples pebbled his arms and legs and in his restless sleep, he's kicked off his thick bedcovers off to the other side of his empty, king-sized bed. He reached over for his phone, fumbling in the darkness to check the time. A little after three in the morning. So he'd managed to sleep for a couple of hours. He rolled out of bed and felt for the familiar fabric of his pyjama pants popping them on, and crossing to the heavy black-out drapes. He'd closed them earlier, not wanting to see anything, feel anything. Pulling them apart he looked up into a clear sky full of stars, so bright, so many of them out here in the country compared to the city. Cold pewter moonlight spilled in through the huge windows onto his bedroom floor. The glass was cool under his fingers, and he leaned his forehead onto it, looking out.
Anyone could see Noelle had smashed being aunt to Joseph, but she was twenty-two years old, and she didn't know what that meant. Was he being condescending about it though? He didn't think so, he did have some experience with kids and new parental figures.
But what had he been wanting her to say? That she accepted Joseph? Or that she accepted Eric? just cause she accepted Joseph, didn't necessarily mean that she would accept him and Rudolph. In fact, she hadn't. She didn't. That had been made very clear to him tonight.
Together, they were so compatible though, and he was too bad an actor to pretend he didn't like her, that he didn't love her even. He was talking fast for his beautiful Christmas tree farming neighbour. Her name popped into his head all the time—anytime he thought about anything. What could he do? That was the exact question that had kept him up. He pulled back from the glass, catching a glimpse of his reflection, as pale as the moon itself. He raked a hand through his sandy hair, leaving it in snarls, and let the curtains fall back down, putting him back into inky-blackness which eventually brought him again, back to restless sleep.