F I F T Y F O U R
SPENCER SHOOK HIS head as he sighed and groaned, trying to wake himself up.
The alarm on Spencer's side of the bed sounded at six A.M., and his hand snaked out to turn it off. With a groan, he turned his back to it and slid his arms around Scout, drawing her against him.
"Hmmm." She snuggled back against him.
"Is it time to get up?"
He nestled his face into her shoulder so that his words were muffled. "Don't make me."
She smiled with her eyes still closed.
"We could stay in bed all day."
"Good idea."
"Of course, we'd miss work – and Hotch is already on our asses since the last case."
"Don't remind me. I don't think I'm prepared for all those questions on our paperwork."
"You will be. I have faith in you."
Spencer smiled sleepily. "Hmm...sounds nice."
"You're not listening." She chided without rancor.
"Sure I am." He turned his face into her neck.
There was silence for several moments as they both fell back into slumber, until the alarm sounded again, and Spencer sat upright suddenly.
"I'm up! I'm up!" He slapped the alarm off and ran a weary hand over his face before sliding his body to the edge of the bed.
"I need a shower." The tall doctor nodded groggily. "Yes. A shower will help."
Scout turned over to place a hand on his back. "Do you have any other paperwork due today?"
He finally stood up and stretched. "Yeah. And some filing Garcia asked for some help with."
"I'll get up and make some breakfast." The brunette started to throw back the blankets, but he stopped her.
"You stay in bed, Love. I'll have cereal."
"Don't be silly. The least I can do is get up and cook you something."
Spencer leaned over for a kiss. "Absolutely not. You need your rest. You're building a whole other human."
"But, I –"
"No buts. Stay put."
"Yes, Sir." She smiled.
With one final kiss, he went to shower, and Scout, with another smile, turned over and fell back asleep, grateful for Spencer and for her new life.
He showered and dressed, and, bent over the bed to kiss her again.
"I'll see you for lunch."
"I get to see you at lunch?" Scout chuckled. "I'm a lucky woman."
"You're not the only lucky one." He kissed her belly gently. "Take care of your mama, baby."
With a saucy smile, he walked in bouncing steps to the kitchen. His phone rang as he was pouring milk into a bowl of cereal, and he saw Aaron Hotchner's contact on the screen.
He swiped the screen. "Morning, Hotch. What's up?"
"Can you stop by my place on your way to work?"
Spencer frowned. "Yeah, of course. Anything wrong?"
"Not at all. There are some papers I'd like you to sign."
"What kind of papers? Wait, are you making me Director of the FBI already? You're too kind sometimes."
"Papers regarding the relationship between you and Scout."
"The r – relationship?"
"You're going to get married while working in the same division of the BAU. That does require some paperwork for you both to do, and there is no time like the present to get started."
Spencer grinned in delight. "I guess I never thought about it. Do you need Scout too?"
"No, it's her day off. Let her sleep as much as she can before the baby comes."
" I can – I'll drop by right after breakfast."
"See you then."
Spencer looked at his phone in surprise yet excitement for a long moment before turning back to his breakfast.
His meal was interrupted by a strident scream from upstairs.
"Spencer!"
At the sound of Scout's voice, he dropped his spoon and sprinted across the room to the stairs. Jumbled, terrified thoughts of previous criminals he had locked up tore through his mind as he bolted to the second floor and threw open the bedroom door.
Scout stood in the doorway of their bathroom, her face white.
"I – I'm bleeding."
Spencer's pupils dilated in fear. "What happened?"
She shook her head rapidly in confusion. "I – nothing. I – I just went to the bathroom. And there was – blood – in my underwear. Spence, I think there's something wrong."
His stomach twisted, and with deep dread, his mind blanked. He could not think what to do or say, and there was a buzzing in his ears as he frantically searched his mind with what he should say and do.
Concentrate, Spencer! You make split-second decisions all the time! For God's sake, do something!
"M – maybe I should call the doctor." Scout said, after a long moment of silence.
He jumped to action. "No. You get dressed. I'll – I'll call the doctor."
The distress on her face compelled him to attempt to reassure her with a confidence that he did not feel.
"It'll be okay."
She nodded and turned to do as he said, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket, trying to ignore the the panic building within him.
He scrolled through his phone contacts, trying to recall the gynecologist's name. Why wasn't he finding it? Why couldn't he even remember it?! Had he never even bothered to put it in his phone's memory? He had five different bookstores in his contacts, but not Scout's gynecologist?!
He shook his head, disgusted with himself. What was her name? Molly something, he thought. It started with a 'C,' didn't it? Cooper, Carpenter, Coffin...
Coffin?! No, not Coffin.
What was it?
Not Coffin, but something like it. Corbin, Collings – Collins! Her name was Collins!
He did a quick internet search and found it, finally. As he waited for someone at the doctor's office to answer the phone, he walked from the room. There was no need for Scout to listen – it might make her more anxious.
"Virginia Obstetrics and Gynecology." A woman's voice came on the line.
"Uh, Dr. Collins, please. My – " Spencer hesitated, "wife – " that sounded better than girlfriend, "She's a patient – she's pregnant – but – but – she's bleeding."
"I'm sorry, Sir, this is the answering service. The office doesn't open until nine. I can contact the doctor on call – oh, it appears to be Dr. Collins. I can have her call you if you'll just give me your number."
Spencer did as she asked, and, after ending the call, pulled up Hotch's contact.
He answered the call after one ring. "Are you going to be late?"
"Uh, no." Spencer scratched his head and squeezed his eyes shut. "Scout is – she's bleeding and um – I think I should take her to the hospital."
There was a very brief silence.
"Have you called her doctor?"
"I'm waiting on a call back now. I just wanted to – let you know I won't be able to come."
"Do you have meetings today at work?"
Spencer groaned. "Crap. Technically. One with Garcia. Damn! I guess I should call her to reschedule."
"Garcia? I'll call her."
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Aaron. I – appreciate it."
"Concentrate on taking care of Scout."
"I will."
Hotch hung up and looked at the phone on the kitchen counter for a moment before turning to pick it up again, calling the familiar number he had memorized for the tech analyst.
"Can you find me the name of Scout's OB/GYN?"
Garcia's voice puckered at his serious tone before the sounds of keyboard tapping furiously rang.
"Ah – Molly Collins. Why? Is there something wrong with Scout, sir?"
"Text me her cell number, please, Garcia."
Scout's fingers wouldn't work as she tried to button up the blouse she had chosen, and, although she thought that she should, perhaps, try to listen to Spencer on the phone, she could not bring herself to walk across the room. She was nearly paralyzed with fear – fear that there was something truly, seriously wrong with the baby.
She tore the blouse off impatiently and pulled a t-shirt from a drawer.
Spencer came back into the room. "The office wasn't open, but the service is going to have her call us back."
He thrust his hands into his pockets. "I think we should go to the hospital, anyway."
She nodded silently.
He stood watching her as she continued to dress.
"How do you feel?"
The short brunette shook her head.
"I feel – fine – physically."
"N – no cramps, or anything?" He had read that cramps might be bad during pregnancy.
"No."
"Is – is it a lot of blood?"
"No, n – not really, but I'm – worried. Scared."
He came over to her for a brief embrace.
"It'll be fine." He hoped it was true.
She nodded again, but was silent.
Spencer's phone rang, and he set Scout away from him to answer it. "I think it might be Dr. Collins. If it is, do – do you want to talk to her?"
She shook her head again, vehemently, and he stepped away.
She went to the closet to put on shoes, not wanting to hear the conversation, and not wanting to think about what might be wrong with the baby.
He returned to the room after a minute.
"She'll meet us at the Quantico General emergency room. Are you ready?"
A few minutes later they were speeding along the road that led into Quantico proper, neither speaking. Spencer reached over for her hand, and she grasped his fingers with white knuckles.
"Spence, I'm scared."
He smiled with a confidence he didn't feel and reassured her, as he had done several times, even though he felt no confidence in that, either.
"It'll be fine. Really."
Despite his words, he increased the speed of the car, and she looked out at a gray landscape that mirrored her mood, trying not to think. The rest of the drive was uncomfortably quiet as Spencer struggled to find words that might bolster her, and she continued to stare silently out the window.
They arrived at the emergency room and approached the desk.
"I – uh – we're – I mean," Spencer began, and, then, taking a deep breath to steady his nerves, continued. "We're supposed to meet Dr. Collins here. My girlfriend is pregnant, and – uh – she's bleeding," he turned to look at Scout, "some."
The woman barely looked at them.
"Name?"
"M – my name?"
She finally gave them her full, exasperated, attention."The patient's name."
Spencer blushed. "Oh – ah – um..."
Scout supplied her name; the nurse nodded and reached for a sheet of paper in an open file.
"Right. Dr. Collins called and said you were coming, and," The nurse scanned the paper, "We have a bed ready for you. I'll call a wheelchair."
Spencer registered surprise. "Wow. That is – efficient."
The receptionist gave a quick smile as she called forward a nursing assistant to help Scout into a wheelchair.
"We'll take good care of her."
Spencer followed as the nursing assistant wheeled Scout to a private treatment room and helped her up onto the table.
"Here you go." The assistant held out a wrist band. "Let's get this on."
Scout held out her wrist and the woman attached the band. She gave Scout a quick smile and pulled a hospital gown from a drawer and laid it on the table next to her.
"Everything off except for underwear."
Scout's smile was wan as the woman left, and she picked up the gown.
"Stylish."
He walked over to her and cradled her face in his hands. "It's okay."
He brushed his lips over hers gently. "It'll be okay."
Spencer had no idea what else to say.
The brunette nodded but did not look at him, and pulled away to change into the hospital gown. She felt his fingers on her skin as he moved her hair off her neck and tied the gown's ribbon. She leaned back against him for a moment.
"I feel like this is a bad dream."
He gave her shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "It'll be fine."
"What if it's not?"
"It will be."
There was a knock at the door.
"Come in." Scout's voice was strangled with unshed tears. It was a nurse, who gave her a small smile.
"How are you feeling?"
Scout shrugged. "I've been better."
"Well, let's take a look at your vitals."
She took Scout's blood pressure and pulse while Spencer looked on.
"How is it?" Scout asked as the woman pulled the cuff from her arm.
"A little high. 150/92."
"That is high." Spencer acknowledged. "Normal blood pressure is considered to be anything below 120/80. High blood pressure was a primary or contributing cause of death in 2017 for more than 472,000 people in the United States. That's nearly 1,300 deaths each day."
"Are you a doctor?"
"Ye-"
"Not that kind of doctor." Scout interrupted, "Does – does that mean anything?"
"It could just mean that you're anxious."
"Could it be anything else? Something worse?" She asked.
"It could be gestational hypertension, but that's usually diagnosed later in pregnancy, or after three or more high readings – so it's a little early to say that." She tried to give a reassuring smile as she took Scout's temperature.
The woman entered the information into a tablet that she was carrying, and turned back to them. "The doctor ordered bloodwork, too, so someone will be in soon for that."
Scout nodded, and watched as the nurse, with another smile, left the room, closing the door behind her.
There was an awkward silence for a long moment, until Spencer sighed. "Well, it's probably because you're nervous."
"I hope so."
Another knock, another nurse – this one to take blood.
"Hi there." The man smiled. "I"m here to get a blood draw, if that's okay."
Scout nodded.
"Can you confirm your name for me?" He looked at the paperwork in his hands.
"Yeah. Of course. Scout Wiley."
He laid out his equipment and took Scout's arm. Spencer watched with concern as the technician cleaned Scout's arm and slid the needle into it, and as vial after vial was filled.
"W – why do you need to take so much blood?" He finally asked.
"Um...the doctor ordered a lot of different tests." The man said. "Do you – want a list? I might be able to get a printout – somewhere."
"No, that's okay." Scout answered, casting a look at Spencer, who compressed his lips.
After the technician had gone, he sighed and walked over to her, laying his forehead against hers, although he said nothing.
"This is a nightmare." She whispered.
"I know." He rubbed her shoulders lightly. "Do you want me to call your mother? Maybe she can – " Spencer shrugged, "come and be with you. With us."
He corrected quickly.
"No." She shook her head vehemently.
"Don't you want her to know?"
"Know what?" She asked sharply.
His eyes widened. "Uh – know what's going on."
She shook her head again. "No. She doesn't need to know. I'll tell her – tomorrow – when it's all over."
He looked at her for a long moment, then nodded. "Okay."
There was a brief knock, and the door was pushed open.
"Hello, you two." Dr. Collins came in and gave a small smile.
Scout nodded silently while Spencer stepped back and gave her an awkward smile. Dr. Collins squeezed her shoulder before pulling up a chair.
"Tell me what's going on with you."
Scout briefly and haltingly described what was happening, with the doctor listening intently and asked her a few pertinent questions.
"Bleeding during the first trimester is pretty common. Most of the time, it doesn't mean anything. We're checking the HCG levels in your blood to see if it's dropped."
"Wh – what does that mean – if it's dropped?"
Dr. Collins was long in answering. "If it's dropped, that may mean there's a problem with the pregnancy."
At Scout's stricken look, she continued hastily.
"But sometimes HCG levels drop and the pregnancy continues to be viable. I've ordered an ultrasound so we can see what's going on. Okay?"
She gave what she hoped was an encouraging smile. "And I'm here now, so we'll get this sorted out pretty quickly."
"Okay." Scout nodded.
"Okay. I'm going to go light a fire so we can get the blood results." She looked over at Spencer. "Both of you sit tight."
"Thank you so much for getting here so quickly." Spencer smiled his gratitude.
She gave a small harrumph. "You can thank your boss." She stood.
"I've never come to the hospital via helicopter before."
Scout put her hand up to her forehead to shield her eyes from the bright glare of the lights in the ultrasound room and tried to lie still as the ultrasound technician squirted a cold gel on the bare skin of her abdomen.
She jumped, however, and the technician, a woman, who appeared to be in her thirties, frowned. "Sorry. It's cold."
"Yeah." Scout's voice was weak as she tried to crane her neck to look at the ultrasound machine's screen.
"How far along are you?" The woman asked.
"S – sixteen weeks."
"What brought you to the hospital?"
"I – uh – went to the bathroom this morning, and there was – blood."
The technician was quiet as she ran the wand over Scout's stomach lightly, and then dug in deeper.
"D – do you see the baby?"
"Um – no – but that doesn't necessarily mean anything." She hastened to add.
"Sometimes the baby doesn't want to be found." She gave a small, quick smile.
Scout winced as the technician continued pressing down on her abdomen heavily, her brow furrowed. After a few minutes of investigation, she laid the wand down and pulled off her examination gloves.
"I'm going to go get someone who has more experience with this equipment." She patted Scout's leg awkwardly. "Just – sit tight."
And she disappeared.
Scout laid there in agony of fear and uncertainty, wishing herself anywhere but there, praying futilely that she could will herself back to the night before, when all was well.
The door opened and Dr. Collins came in, followed by the technician wheeling in another ultrasound console.
Dr. Collins smiled as she put on gloves.
"Jess wanted me to come in and have a look. I did some of the clinical trials for this model," She indicated the new machine, "And it's more sensitive, so we're going to give it a try, if it's okay with you?"
Scout nodded slightly, and the doctor nodded in response as the technician began setting up the machine. "Okay. Like I said, this is a different type of ultrasound. It – well, it may feel kind of intrusive."
"Wh – what do you mean by, intrusive?"
"It's called a transvaginal ultrasound. It'll give us a clearer picture of what's going on."
Scout's eyes widened. "Oh – okay. I mean – it – it won't hurt the – the baby, will it?"
"No." Dr. Collins sat on a stool and slid on gloves, then put a sleeve over the rather large, cigar-shaped ultrasound wand.
Jess, the technician, finished the machine set-up and left the room.
"I'm sorry, but this is going to be cold." Dr. Collins said. "And – uncomfortable."
A few minutes went by as she conducted her examination, with Scout grimacing at the sensation of the wand within her, holding her hand up to her forehead.
"Do – do you see the baby? Is everything okay?"
The door opened then, and the technician escorted Spencer into the room before leaving.
"Hey." His voice was soft, and he gave a small, sad smile and took her hand.
Scout frowned. "What – what is it?" She looked from Spencer to Dr. Collins.
Dr. Collins removed the wand and laid it aside. "Scout, I asked Jess to bring Spencer in so that I can talk to you both."
She shook her head sadly.
"I'm sorry. We couldn't find a heartbeat."
Scout sat up. "What does that mean? Is – is the baby – dead?"
The doctor's lips drew into a flat line. "It appears that you've had a miscarriage."
Scout could feel the blood drain from her face.
"Wh – what?"
She felt Spencer's arm go around her while he continued to grip her hand.
"I'm so sorry." Dr. Collins said again.
"Are you sure?" Spencer asked, his voice calm but thready.
She nodded, and Scout looked at Spencer, a buzzing in her ears that seemed to drown out his words as he continued to talk to the doctor. She shook her head to try to clear it, and, without realizing, interrupted them.
"You're sure? I mean – is there a chance you just can't hear the heartbeat?"
Dr. Collins shook her head. "We're also getting your HCG levels to compare them to your earlier ones. That will give us confirmation."
She was silent a long moment. "I'm sorry."
"How – why – did it happen? What – what caused it?" Her voice was scratchy with unshed tears.
The doctor shook her head. "We rarely find out what definitively caused a miscarriage. Usually it's because the fetus has an abnormality –"
"What kind of abnormality?" Scout interrupted.
"Often it's something in the genes or chromosomes that is, for lack of a better word, defective."
"Defective." Scout echoed hollowly, looking down at her hands, entwined with Spencer's.
"Can you tell whether the defect is the father's or mother's?" Spencer took over the conversation by asking.
"No. There's really no way to know." Then looked at both of their faces, wreathed in misery. "Miscarriage actually has a reason, as hard as that is to hear. The fetus probably wasn't viable, and Scout's body recognized that, odd as it sounds."
"Yeah. So me." Scout's voice was flat.
"You said probably. What else could have caused it?" Spencer asked.
She considered this. "There are several other possibilities. Uterine or cervical abnormalities, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, but there's no evidence of that. Bacterial infections, but that's highly unlikely for you. Immunologic disorders are the most likely other scenario."
"What do you mean – immunologic disorders?" Spencer asked again, his mind felt like it was working against him in this situation.
"Well, a woman's body considers sperm a foreign object, but when a pregnancy occurs, the fertilized egg sends a sort of – message – to the mother's body not to reject it. But, sometimes, the pregnancy isn't accepted, and antibodies attack the embryo, leading to a miscarriage."
"And that could have happened?" Scout asked.
"It is possible."
There was a long silence, until Scout finally spoke. "So it's possible that my own body killed my baby?"
"Scout!" Spencer grabbed her shoulder, but she shrugged it off and turned to him.
"It could be true, Reid." She looked back to Dr. Collins. "Right?"
"It's not as simple as that, Scout."
Scout's jaw tightened, and she looked away.
The silence stretched on, and Dr. Collins gave them a sympathetic look.
"What - What gender was the baby?" The brunette muttered under her breath, not looking at the doctor directly in the eye.
She picked up the file that she had, "A boy. I'll give you a few minutes."
Scout turned into Spencer's arms the moment that the door closed, burying her face in his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Spencer." Her voice was thick with tears, soaking his jacket. "I'm so sorry."
He squeezed her tightly against him.
"Don't say that. This is not your fault. Do you hear me? This is something that happened to you, not because of you."
Her voice was muffled.
"Our baby is dead. Because of me."
He set her away from him. "Look at me." When she complied, he continued.
"That is not true. It was something that you couldn't prevent. It just – happened. There is no blame – no fault. Do you understand?" When she did not reply, he repeated the question.
Finally, even though she didn't, she nodded, and he pulled her back to him again.
Scout, however, knew, that their baby's death was completely her fault.
Without a doubt.
Xander closed the internet browsing window on his computer and stood from the dining room table. He turned to look out the window behind the kitchen, and sighed. Life was complicated – always.
He shook his head and went in search of Harper, who was folding linens and towels in her bedroom. He leaned against the doorjamb and watched the woman in the wheelchair for a long while before announcing his presence.
"Harp."
Without betraying a start, the woman turned. "What is it?"
At the older man's somber face, her own fell. "There is something wrong, isn't there?"
"Scout lost the baby."
Harper's shoulders slumped as her eyes started to glass over in tears, "Fucking hell."
There was silence.
"How is she taking it?"
Xander pushed away from the wall. "I don't know. I hacked into her hospital records."
"Oh, I see." Harper finished folding a tablecloth and straightened to look at him directly. "I should go to her. She needs me."
Xander shook his head almost before Harper finished speaking. "No. You're not even supposed to know she was pregnant to begin with."
"She needs her family."
"No." Xander's voice was sharper than he intended. "She – they – need to be given privacy – not have a parade of people traipsing in and out of the room. Clarke will get suspicious, you know that, Harp."
Harper sat herself up stiffly. "What are we going to do now?"
"What we always have done," He nodded, shutting his eyes, "Survive and protect her as best as we can."
Spencer sat next to Scout's hospital bed as she fitfully slept, shadows under her eyes mirroring his. Her hand lay limply in his, and he idly compared the strength in his hand to her slight, fragile one.
After Dr. Collins had broken the news about the loss of their child, Scout had been returned to an examination room in the emergency department, and had been given a sedative, which had caused her to fall into an uneasy slumber. He almost wished that he, too, could be given a medication to sleep – to dull the pain of the loss – to forget – if only for a short while – the knowledge that their child had died.
"Mr. Reid?" The voice of Dr. Collins came from behind him, and he turned to her with weariness etched in every line of his body. He didn't even have enough energy or will to correct her.
"Hi, Dr. Collins."
She entered the room. "She's sleeping, I see."
"Kind of." He rubbed his face with his free hand.
"The medication I prescribed should help her to sleep for at least a couple more hours, even if she is restless."
"It's like she still knows, even when she's sleeping."
"I'm sure she does, unfortunately."
Spencer was silent, and she put her hand on his shoulder. "It's been a long day."
He shrugged. "It seems that way."
She released him and pulled up a chair.
"I'd like to schedule her for a procedure to remove the remaining fetal tissue."
Spencer gave her a sharp look. "Oh. Is – is that – normal?"
"It's called a dilation and curettage, and we advise it about half the time. In this case, it doesn't appear that she's expelled all of the tissue. She could wait for it to pass naturally, but that can be – traumatic for the woman – emotionally. I think it might be best to just – get everything out and make sure she's okay."
Spencer blinked at her. "Oh. Okay. Will – will it hurt her chances of getting – pregnant again?"
She shook her head with a kind smile. "No. There's no correlation between a D and C and future pregnancies."
"Oh. Okay. I guess." Spencer realized that he was repeating himself, but he did not currently have the eloquence he needed. "Can it wait until she wakes up – or is it an emergency? Does it need to happen ASAP?"
"No. It can wait. I'll schedule it for tomorrow morning – that will give us enough time to get her awake so she knows what's going on."
"You – you need her permission, right?"
"Yeah." She covered his free hand with hers briefly. "She'll be okay, Spencer. You both will."
He looked at Scout again. "I don't see how."
"I know that right now it seems like you'll never recover from this, but you will."
He was silent again, and she nodded. "I'd like her to stay overnight. You're welcome to stay in her room with her, of course."
"Thank you."
"You might want to take this time, while she's sleeping, to go home and change and get things she might need – toothbrush, toiletries, etc."
Spencer frowned. "I really don't want to leave her."
"Is there anyone who can bring you those things?"
He thought of Hotch, then shook his head. "I can do it. I – I have to call my - er - friend anyway, and tell him what's happened."
She nodded. "All right. I'll go schedule the procedure."
"Okay." He nodded agreement and watched as she left before turning back to Scout, whose sleep seemed a bit more peaceful than earlier. With a long sigh, he folded her hand over her abdomen and leaned over to kiss her forehead.
"I love you." He whispered. "We'll get through this."
She did not respond and he stood, stretched, and quietly left the room.
Once outside, he pulled his phone from his pocket and called Hotch. It rang only once before he answered.
"Reid?"
His familiar, steady, strong voice caused tears to return to Spencer's eyes, and he leaned heavily against the wall.
"We lost the baby, Aaron." His voice was barely above a croak.
There was a long silence. "I'm sorry. How are you?"
"Shitty." He swiped the tears away angrily.
"I know. I'm sorry. How – is Scout taking it?"
"She's asleep. The doctor gave her a sedative."
"When can she go home?"
"Tomorrow." Spencer suddenly straightened and was more clear-headed. Hotch needed information – he could do that. "The doctor wants to perform a procedure – a dilation and – something, it's called."
"Dilation and curettage."
"Yeah. She's going to schedule it for tomorrow morning."
"Spencer, do you need anything?"
He shook his head. "No. I'm coming home to get some things for Scout. I'll be okay."
A thought came to him.
"Yeah, actually, I do." His former composure started to crumble. "Can you – can you call Derek, and – and tell him? And JJ? And – and have Derek call Penelope? I just – can't. I can't talk to anyone about it."
The tears started again.
"Of course. Just take care of yourself and Scout."
"Thanks, Aaron. I – appreciate it."
Spencer turned the light on in the kitchen as he entered the apartment from the hallway. The quiet unnerved him, and he tossed his keys on the counter with unnecessary force just to hear the noise. They slid across the surface and hit his abandoned bowl of cereal from that morning, and he walked over to it. The cornflakes floated listlessly in the milk, and he picked the bowl up with a look of regret and tipped it into the sink, watching as the cereal gathered in the drain basket.
He leaned on the sink, his head down, thinking of all that had been lost that day.
Just as quickly, he straightened. He did not have time to wallow in grief. Scout was asleep at the hospital, but he had no idea when she would wake, and he needed to be there when she did. He ran upstairs to their bedroom to gather all that he thought that they might need for a night in the hospital, but, in the doorway, he stopped.
After a long moment, he walked across the room to the second room that was going to be the nursery, painted a cheery mint green, the suite of baby furniture that Scout and JJ had chosen within.
He couldn't leave it all there for Scout to see when she returned home. He couldn't bear to see the agony on her face again – the look of loss.
It all had to go.
With a sigh, he threw off his jacket and ran to the kitchen, where several small hand tools, such as screwdrivers and a hammer, were kept in a utility drawer.
He caught a glimpse of the refrigerator, and walked slowly over to it.
On the door was the ultrasound image taken when Scout had gone to the hospital after fainting during their most recent case in California.
He shook his head ruefully. It was the only picture that they had of their child – the only one that they would ever have.
With fingers shaking a bit more than he would have liked, he removed the magnet that held it up. He did not want to throw it away, but neither did he want Scout to see it.
He slid the image into the utility drawer and closed the drawer.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
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@breedawnwriter
@ffgrrd
@yourmomsceral
@wackynatty
@emo_buttercup__
@bitch_the_fudge
@ell_hound
@mycats17
@selmanendongo
@reidspasteltears
@angelsdemon_x
@larae333
@bbgmgg
@mieczyslawstilinskii
@cyn161
@bbycmb
@_stxdia_
@musaline
@moonlightascending
@babyyona_
@-chickenlittle
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