There is nothing we can do, knowing me, knowing you. We just have to face it, this time we're through.
***
When I left for class in the morning, Rye's door was still firmly shut, not a sound coming from the room where he was sleeping peacefully still. I knew I looked like a mess, having cried through much of the night without getting anywhere near a full night's sleep, the whole time never hearing a peep from Rye, although there was no way he hadn't heard me. He really wasn't the same person I knew, and as much as it hurt, I had to prepare myself for the possibility that this might be one fight we wouldn't recover from.
Instead of listening, I spent my lecture wondering how long he'd been harbouring this pent up hostility towards me. The thought of it killed me, because I loved him so much it hurt, but apparently that love had been suffocating enough for him to snap, angering him to the point where he didn't want me as a part of his life anymore. I wondered how long he'd been resenting my presence for. After all, though it felt like a lifetime ago, it was only a couple of weeks since Christmas. That warm affectionate Rye who had kissed my nose and cuddled my drunk ass to sleep- who'd rung in the new year with his lips on mine- was a world away from the stranger last night who slept soundly while I cried my throat raw on the other side of the wall.
Deciding to skip my final class of the day, knowing it was pointless to sit there when I couldn't take a single thing in, I made my way instead towards the theatre. I had the cast Brooklyn had gifted me in my backpack. I had to return it to the props stash before tomorrow anyway as it would be needed for our technical rehearsal. I was just about to replace it on one of the racks backstage when the sound of movement behind me made me jump, having thought I was alone.
"Andy?"
I spun around at the familiar voice. "Jack?"
"What are you doing?"
"I was just" -I waved the cast awkwardly at him- "putting this back." He frowned.
"Why would you steal a fake cast?"
"I didn't, Brook did," I told him, not offering any other detail than that. He came closer to me, taking the cast from my hands and flipping it over, his fingers running over the little heart Brooklyn had drawn. There was pain in his eyes when he looked up at me again.
"Do you love him, Andy?"
The question flustered me. "I, uh... we've not really been together that long."
"It's been a few months," Jack pointed out. "You must be able to tell whether or not you're falling for each other."
"What does this have to do with you?" I shot back, uncomfortable with his sudden line of questioning. This was possibly the first proper conversation I'd ever had with Jack and yet I definitely would have preferred the awkward silence over whatever the hell this was.
"Because I love him."
"Sorry?"
"I love him, Andy. And I know he loves me back so if you had any decency you'd get out of the way." I took a few moments to let this sink in, my already overloaded brain just about buckling under this sudden influx of new information.
"Let me guess," I said, putting the pieces together slowly. "You told him this over Christmas which is why he's pissed at you now?"
"Oh, he definitely didn't tell you the full story, did he?" Jack smirked.
"What are you talking about?" I knew I shouldn't be probing into this, having agreed with Brook that it was easier for the both of us if we kept whatever shit that had gone down for each of us over break to ourselves. But when Jack was taunting me with the truth like this, I couldn't suppress my curiosity.
"You really wanna know?"
"You're gonna tell me anyway."
His face stretched into a smug smile. "We kissed."
I let out a laugh. "That's it?"
"What do you mean that's it? I made out with your boyfriend." The smugness dropped when he didn't get the reaction from me he'd been anticipating. "Would have gone further too if he hadn't pulled away blabbering about you."
"Aren't you straight?"
"Well that's complicated."
I laughed again. "Right. And you really think I'm the one getting in the way of you and Brook?"
Jack looked thrown by my apparent amusement. "But he was into it when we kissed," he argued. "If he wasn't dating you he wouldn't have pushed me away."
"Oh, bullshit," I retorted. Brook may have been fond of me but I knew perfectly well that his loyalty didn't stretch far enough that he would choose to keep whatever he had with me over a real love. The depth of which he cared for Jack was on a level with how I cared for Rye, so I knew there was no way his feelings for me were strong enough to get in the way of that. Even if he didn't want to cheat on me, he'd at least have had a conversation with me about his feelings, knowing I would have understood and let him go. But Brook hadn't chosen Jack, he'd gotten angry with him instead and it was awfully obtuse of Jack not to understand why Brook had reacted that way.
"What do you mean, bullshit?" Jack demanded, his voice desperate as I looked him straight in the eyes, almost feeling pity for the pain and confusion he was undoubtedly going through. But he had been acting like an asshole for too long- unjustifiably so, considering none of this was my fault- so the sympathy didn't really take hold, brutal honesty coming out in its place.
"Brook deserves someone who's not too much of a pussy to love him in the open. I know he loves you Jack, so if he turned you down he's probably got a damn good reason for it and I'm willing to bet it has nothing do with me and everything to do with you."
Jack flinched, and I saw the shimmer of tears in his deep green eyes before he averted his gaze so I couldn't see them anymore. He took a few moments to compose himself before he spoke again in a meek voice. "Are you going to dump him?"
"You'd love for me to make it that easy for you, wouldn't you?" I sneered.
"I don't get it, your boyfriend kissed someone else," he complained, as if that meant I was somehow obligated to end my relationship with Brook.
"We all fuck up," I shrugged. Jack eyed me suspiciously, and I did my best to keep the guilt off my face.
"Well," he sighed, nodding bitterly to himself as he shoved his hands in his pockets, backing a few steps away from me, "I hope you enjoy your sham of a relationship." I rolled my eyes at him as he began walking away. "By the way," he added, turning back over his shoulder, "next time either of you wants to criticise someone for being in denial of their feelings, you might wanna remember what fucking hypocrites you both are."
"Good chat," I called after him as he stalked out of the auditorium. I shook my head, barely able to believe that conversation had really just happened, and hadn't been one of the theatre ghosts playing tricks on me. Strangely enough though, none of what he'd said had surprised me. Deep down I had always been able to tell that Jack had feelings for Brooklyn that went beyond friendship, and the revelation of them having kissed during break when they had been spending all that time together didn't shock me at all. The alone time must have intensified their feelings for each other, causing them to make a stupid decision, just as it had done for me with my feelings for Rye.
Rye. Fuck. Jack had distracted me enough to force him out of my mind for a few minutes, but now the memories flooded back in, and with them came the pain, and the persistent worry gnawing at my mind.
I walked slowly home, dawdling as I was dreading having to look Rye in the eye again- or worse- come home to find his things gone and Rye with them. I had to stop walking and take deep breaths so I wouldn't break down over the thought of opening the pantry and not seeing his stupid peanut butter jar with the spoon still stuck in it. God, it was awful to feel this fragile and not have him to lean on.
Thankfully, the place didn't appear to be stripped of his possessions when I returned to it, and I let out the breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding in. Rye's bedroom door was slightly ajar, and I walked towards it, thinking maybe enough time had passed for us to finally have a calm conversation. More than anything, I didn't want to lose him. If that meant taking some space from each other, or even him dropping out, as much as I hated the idea of either, I would listen. We just had to figure something out because he'd been in my life too long for us to fall apart like this.
I hesitated as I drew closer to his door, a strange sound coming from inside causing me to pause. Rapid, breathy moans in quick succession, like someone inside was crying, or hyperventilating or even... something else entirely. The dread pitted in my stomach again as my feet moved forward without my permission, not stopping until I was right outside his bedroom, peering in through the gap in the door.
Sonny lay on Rye's bed, eyes scrunched shut and breathing heavy as Rye knelt at the edge of his bed in front of him. I frowned in confusion, noticing that Sonny's skin was bare, and Rye only in his boxers, the smooth expanse of tanned skin on his back facing me. His back muscles rippled with the effort of some kind of movement, and it didn't click exactly what he was doing until my eyes moved up to his head, the up and down motion it was making between Sonny's legs only meaning one thing could be happening, but also couldn't be happening because that didn't make any sense.
Without realising, a puff of air escaped my mouth, the sound of my gasp causing Sonny's eyes to flick open suddenly, murmuring "shit" as Rye froze dead in his position. All the muscles on his back tensed up before he slowly pulled his head up, Sonny's very obvious erection being unsheathed from his mouth in the process. I could hardly fathom what I was seeing as Rye detached himself from Sonny's dick with an unmistakable pop, his head turning around to face me. Our eyes met for the briefest of moments before I slammed his door closed again, my back sliding down the wall next to his door, no idea how to even begin to process what I had just seen.