It was only when my eyes met his that I realized how close we were. The air around us stopped moving and my heart started to race again. I gulped, staring into his eyes. He reached up to my face and slowly tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and rested his hand on my cheek. I was pretty sure he could hear my heart, too, at the rate it was beating.
"You know," he said, so softly that it was almost too soft to hear over the beating of my heart and the blood rushing in my head, "It's terrible for me to realize that every time I've kissed you, I've been drunk and now that I'm sober, I can't do it, because I'm painfully aware of the fact that you have a boyfriend."
There was a moment in that time, when time stood still. I was pretty sure even the hands on the face of the clock didn't move because of the surprise that came with the words out of Parker's mouth. The breath travelling into my lungs had stopped involuntarily and there wasn't a thought in my brain to continue breathing because it was occupied with repeating his words in his lilting tone to me over and over again. This moment, where Parker had, in his own way told me that he wanted me as more than his friend, was one I had been waiting for, for such a long time, and now that it was here, I had no idea what to do with myself. Parker's eyes were frozen on mine, no doubt trying to read them and fathom what I was feeling. I didn't know whether he was succeeding.
Some time had passed before I inhaled deeply. Parker was staring intensely at me, his hand still pressed against my cheek. He didn't seem to want to move his hand or his gaze and he most certainly didn't seem like he wanted to talk anymore until some words had escaped my mouth. The only thing that I could seem to choke out in a whisper was one word; one solitary word that made the world of difference in my life and maybe in his, too, the way he reacted; the one word that usually left me quite undone: "Parker."
He inhaled deeply, staring at me, like he had never expected me to say that and then pressed his forehead to mine. It was so agonizingly beautiful that I could feel a lump form in my throat. He had squeezed his eyes shut and his fingers were moving into my hair. He raised his other hand to the other side of my face and with his eyes still closed, he raised himself and slowly, softly, gently pressed his lips to my forehead and stilled them for the longest moment of my life and then he drew back, resting his forehead against mine again. He hadn't opened his eyes and I couldn't see the war that was probably going on in them. He, then, breathed out a word as well: "Alex."
That one word out of his mouth was enough to cause two tears to fall from my eyes. I breathed in deeply and pulled back. Parker opened his eyes to look at me; he looked pained enough even before he saw the tears streaming down my face. When he did, I was pretty sure he cracked somewhere inside. He buried his face in his hands and shook his head.
"What have I done?" he whispered in a muffled voice, "What have I done, Alex?"
The two tears were immediately succeeded by two more.
"What have I done to you?" he asked again, dropping your hands, "I hurt you so much and now, after I told myself I'd never hurt you again, that's exactly what I did. The one person in the world who has always been there for me and I completely ruin her. What have I done to you inside, Alex? You're a mess. I know you are. You've always been a beautiful mess, but now you're messed up on the inside because of me and there's no way I can undo any of that. And now that you're happy with Blake, I have to come and mess you up again; I just had to come and mess with your heart and your head. I know you, Alex, better than anyone else in the world. I can see everything your eyes try to hide and your smile tries to keep secret; I broke you so badly. What have I done?"
By now I had lost count of how many tears had fallen from my eyes. I was only looking at him; this boy; this wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, sincere boy, who had the world against him and was only ever worried about other people.
"Parker," I told him, "You haven't done anything. I know you, Parker. You haven't done anything and I know you're hurting and you're broken, too. You're a mess, too. You didn't break me, Parker. I'm fine, I'm better than fine now that we're friends again. I only ever wanted you back in my life, Parker. You have no idea how lost I've been without you. You have no idea how much I've wanted you back. I need you, Parker, regardless of how messed up we both are."
Parker looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot, tears plaguing his face. "Alex," he said, and pulled me in towards him, "My baby girl, Alex. God, I'm so sorry."
I squeezed my eyes shut and let my tears soak his shirt. He pressed kisses on to the top of my head, like that was the only thing that was keeping him sane; maybe it was. "I love you, Alex. I always have. I love you so much. I don't want you to say anything to me because I know you're with Blake, but I just need you to know that I do. I love you."
That was probably the only thing he could have said that made me feel both better and worse at the same time.
"I'm so sorry I confused you," he said.
I opened my eyes.
"Somehow, I doubt that."
*
This time, I was the first one there. Everything was silent and cold and windy. The only thing I could properly hear was the gust against my ears. I sat on the park bench, wondering where to begin. He came and sat down quietly next to me, almost like he had expected this. It was a while before he said anything.
"Twice in two days; that can't be good, Alex," he said.
"It's not," I whispered.
He leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees and nodded, quietly.
"I'm sorry," I added.
"What?" he asked, "What are you sorry about?"
"This," I stated.
"Why are you sorry about this?"
"Because it's hurting you," I told him.
"But it'll make you happy," he said, softly.
"I'm not that selfish," I replied, still not looking at him and him not looking at me.
"I know you're not," he said, "But maybe I'm that .... Generous."
"Well, I think you shouldn't be."
"Why not?" he asked.
This time, I turned to face him. "Because you're getting hurt. You should be mad at me.
He smiled. He smiled the smile I fell for; the one I had fallen for. "You know, Alex, I've seen the way you look at him. I've seen the way he looks at you. It's the way my sister and brother-in-law look at each other; the way my Mom and Dad look at each other. There's no escaping the look. The only reason I never brought this up was because sometimes you used to look at me like that, too, but over the last two weeks or so, you didn't. I'm not mad at you, Alex, or at him. I think it's wonderful that you two found each other again. I'm not going to lie; I will be hurt, but I'll still be happy for you. Everyone deserves to be looked at the way you and he look at each other, Alex."
"You, too," I said, wiping away a tear.
He smiled at me, again, like this wasn't difficult, but I could see tears building up in his eyes. "I want you to be happy, Alex, even if it isn't with me because if there's anything I learned about you during our time together is that you take care of everyone around you, but you don't let anyone take care of you; and I'm sure he will force his care on you and you deserve that; if there's anyone in this world that deserves to be loved the way he loves you, it's you, Alexandra Hale."
I smiled and then laughed and then choked on my tears.
"I don't deserve such an easy getaway for this," I told him.
"I think you do," he told me and put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me.
"You deserve to be happy, too," I told him, truthfully.
"Thank you."
"Where does this leave us?" I asked, kind of fearing his answer.
"Well," he thought for a moment, "I don't think I'm ready to be your friend right now, but I'll let you know when I am."
"Okay." I breathed.
"Okay," he replied.
We sat there in silence for a while before he pressed a quick kiss to my temple and got up. "Goodbye, Alex."
"Goodbye, Blake Mitchell."
*
Home seemed a little brighter even after the events that had just transpired.
When I walked in, I could smell French fries and chicken and chocolate. I walked into the kitchen and Parker looked up at me. He waited for my expression.
I smiled at him.
He smiled back.
And just like that, things were wonderful.
* Please leave a comment and let me know what you think. :) *