I didn't sleep that night; I couldn't. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw their faces. And then they were gone. Evaporated to dust.
To combat my inability to sleep, I stood in front of the windows overlooking the lawn of the Avenger's Compound with my arms crossed over my chest. A quiet sigh escaped my lips as I looked out into the night. There weren't any stars out. Only darkness.
"Can't sleep?"
I recognized the voice and welcomed Steve's presence beside me. A moment of silence passed before I whispered, "I see them."
Cap looked at me carefully.
"Every time I close my eyes, they appear before me and fade away. I relive that moment in time over and over, and every time, I face the fact that there was someone I couldn't save." I swallowed hard to keep tears from welling up in my eyes.
He placed his hand on my elbow and my arms uncrossed as he drew me to his chest. Without a word, I was wrapped in his embrace.
"I'd give my life if it would save one of theirs," my voice cracked. My eyes closed as tears finally slipped down my cheeks.
"I know," he said softly. There wasn't much he could say so he just held me close.
I was exhausted. It had been three weeks since Thanos snapped his fingers and forever changed our lives. Three weeks of sleepless nights haunted by lost friends. A person can only go so long without a good night of rest and I was beginning to crack badly.
Steve gently guided me to the couch so we could sit down. I propped my feet up on the ottoman and rested my head against his chest, relaxing into his protective arms. My eyes drooped closed as I listened to his steady heartbeat and felt his chest rise with each breath. Steady. Constant. Something I could always depend on.
"I see them too," I heard him say. "One by one they disintegrate at my touch. I reach out to save you, but every time, you turn to dust. I can't get through the night without waking up in a cold sweat."
Without opening my eyes, I put my hand up to his neck and traced his jawline with my finger. His beard tickled my hand. "I won't disappear now." My eyes were so heavy. So tired. So weary.
Steve pressed his lips to my forehead and lowered his head so it rested against mine. At the time, we didn't know the unexpected events the next few days held. If we had, we might have rushed into action and tried to muster strength we'd already spent. We didn't fight to stay awake anymore but gave in for the first uninterrupted six hours of sleep we'd had in weeks.