"Three years of ups and downs
Nothing to show for it now
And I know it ain't pretty when the fire burns out
Calling me when I'm drunk, remind me of what I've done
And I know it ain't pretty when you're trying to move on, yeah
I hope someday
We'll sit down together
And laugh with each other
About these days, these days"
Noelle
Another thing about me is that, besides turning me into a compulsive cook, anxiety and nervousness take my sleep away.
It's been like this since I was little, and when it happens there's nothing I can do. Over the years I tried everything: chamomile, counting sheep, homoeopathic remedies, up to sleeping pills - with the only result that the latter tended to take effect the next day giving me a tremendous somnolence.
Nothing ever worked out.
If nervousness keeps my body awake, anxiety makes my brain go 1,000 an hour, having fun imagining different scenarios about how one or more things can go to shit.
In this case, the questions were: What if we find traffic on the road and arrive late to the appointment?
What if I don't even find an apartment that I like?
What if I find one but has some changes to make?
What if... what if.
Therefore when I decided to rip the covers off of my body that morning I was beyond frustrated and ready to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes.
Try to imagine my reaction when - entering the kitchen - I saw my dad with his work clothes on, sipping coffee and reading the newspaper.
Or even better, imagine my reaction when - after I asked him why he was dressed like that- he told me he couldn't come with me in London because he forgot and he had places to be.
Apparently half of Cheshire needed his help today, and his colleagues were already busy in other work.
I tried to argue with him, but he just couldn't postpone his work for a trip to London.
Your daughter is going house hunting and wants you to go with her and you call it: a trip to London.
At least he gave me his car keys since he uses a van to go to work.
I considered taking Mae with me, but then I remembered that she had a history test today that she couldn't skip.
Hannah was out of commission, teaching in elementary school I doubt she had Monday off, and Alice was at home with a fever.
I even thought about asking John.
I really don't feel like going alone, knowing me, I know that I will need someone else's opinion about the different places I'm going to see or I will go insane.
The perks of being an anxious person.
This is why I'm standing in Anne's kitchen, waiting while is son dresses up.
He was my only option left when Anne told me she had things to do today after I asked her.
Frankly, I didn't ask him to come with me - I was not ready to be in the same car for nearly three hours with him let alone to spend the day - but he overheard my conversation with his mother and in a blink of an eye decided to come with me. No matter the excuses I tried to come up with, he didn't let it go until I said yes.
Stubborn ass.
"Ready," he says appearing in the kitchen.
Looking up from the cup of coffee Anne's offered me, I stop breathing for a second. He is wearing thin black jeans and a black, big jumper with printed on NY in white, but what affects me the most is the smug smile on his face.
He looks so young.
I gulp down the rest of my drink and get up from the stool saying goodbye to Anne while her son waves at her from the door frame.
After I put my coat on he grabs my hand and exit the house walking fast towards my father's car.
He seems like a kid who ate too many candies, euphoric and bouncing on the place while he waits for me to take the keys out of my purse.
"Do you mind driving? I'll do it on the way back" I ask, handing him the car keys.
He just nods, taking them and climbing on the driver side after opening the car.
I sigh and hop on the front seat next to him, putting the seat belt on.
I decide to get comfortable by taking off my shoes and putting my feet on the dashboard when Harry takes the M6 towards London.
We haven't talked yet, the only sound in the car comes from the radio.
"Isn't this your friend Nick?" I ask clearing my throat when the silence in the vehicle becomes too much to handle.
Even if we spent the afternoon together the other day, I still find it hard to have a normal conversation with him. Being in a small space with him, without a way to escape, makes me tense, and despite his calm appearance, I know he is too.
Harry pays attention to the radio before turning slightly in my direction, eyes still on the road "Yes, it's the breakfast show. You still remember him?"
I look out of the window, nodding "It's hard not to. He is quite the character" I state, remembering the few times I met him during Harry's birthdays or when I went to London to spend some time with him.
Harry chuckles "Yeah, he is"
I nod again and grab my phone from my pocket sending a quick text to Thomas and checking the emails Carter sent me yesterday night
"I don't want to sound rude love, but you look like shit. Have you slept at all?"
Love...
I snap my head in Harry's direction "Gee, thank you" I reply sarcastically "And to answer your questions, not really" I breath out.
"How come?" he asks, curiosity clear in his voice.
I take a deep breath, shrugging as it was nothing, "Anxiety"
He side-glances, concern clear on his features "You are still suffering?"
Again, I shrug "It's not a big deal Harry. I learnt how to live with it. I'm not fifteen anymore, I know how to handle it. Sometimes it's just harder"
He nods, unconvinced "I go to therapy you know?"
I look at him surprised when we were still on speaking terms, Harry never gave me a hint about him going to a therapist. Sure, with his work things often became too much, but he always found a way through it.
Must be something that happened in the last two years
"It all became too much you know? Robin, leaving my mum alone, tour... You" he explains " One morning I was speaking with Jeff about the gigs and next thing I know I was hyperventilating"
He looks at me briefly and I tilt my head waiting for him to continue, "Next day I was in a therapist's office in LA. When I'm here and I feel like things are getting out of hand I call her, she's very helpful" he smiles "Also, running and meditate help a lot"
"I do box and go running. I'm not the meditating type, I'm too overactive to stand still so long" I frown.
"You box?" he asks surprised and I nod in response "Since when?"
"A year, maybe less. It helps"
He breathes out a laugh "We should box together one day, see how good you are"
I glance at him in disbelief giving him a light punch on the shoulder "You may be all tall and muscular, but I will kick you down Styles. Just you wait"
He keeps his eyes on the road and chuckles, shaking his head.
"Competitive as always" he grumbles to himself and I laugh
"Absolutely" I nod, proudly
My competitiveness has led me to where I am today
"And" he clears his throat "Thomas... He knows about...?"
"My anxiety and panic attacks? Oh yes... He got a front-row ticket for one of those" I breathe out, looking at my lap.
Thinking about that night makes my skin crawl.
Sensing that I don't want to deepen the topic Harry clears his throat, " How are you guys doing? You know, with the time difference and all?"
I look up at him astonished, not expecting him to ask such a question. His expression is relaxed, but when I move my gaze to his ring-clad hands, I realize that he's holding the wheel so tight his knuckles are turning white.
Returning my eyes on his face I inhale deeply " We're doing good I reckon. This past week has been hard talking to him due to his work trip in Singapore, but he went back in New York yesterday so it'll be easier from now on"
"Singapore?" he asks quickly looking at me.
"Uhm yes... He is a business consultant, travels a lot for work." I tell him.
"I see" He frowns "So you don't see each other much?"
"Well, no" I frown "But I think what matters the most is the quality of the time we spend together not how much"
Harry just nods, lost in his thoughts while he surpasses a few cars.
"Anyway," he says after a few minutes of silence " the other day I didn't catch why you're going to New York in May"
I look out of the window at the cars passing by "I didn't tell you"
"And are you going to?"
I grin at his curiosity "No, I don't think so"
I don't need to look at him to know he is glancing at me with puppy eyes "What? Why not?"
"Curiosity killed the cat, Harry"
"Good thing I'm not a cat then," he says matter-of-factly. "C'mon love, at least give me a hint"
Again with the love thing.
"I might be going for work" I sigh " But nothing is certain yet"
"How come?" is voice is lower e raspier than normal, the tone he uses when he wants something.
"Carter is waiting for an answer. Should be coming in the next few days. And no, I'm not telling you anything else. All in good time Harry"
"You are no fun" he snorts, pouting and I laugh at his impatience
I bite my lip still smiling, "I'm superstitious. I already told you much. Neither Thom knows" I shrug
"Oh"
I take a moment to study his profile.
As we were young, I always thought Harry was pretty, his features at the time were more softer while now are defined, making him a beautiful man.
His jawline...
"What?"
I blink a few times, trying to gather my thoughts "I'm..." say something "You never told when are you going back to the States" I come up quickly, clearing my throat
You were checking him out Noelle.
"Uhm... I thought I could go back in May, but Jeff called this week and told me I need to be in LA in mid-April"
I nod "So how long are you going to stay there?"
He thinks about it for a moment " A month according to my schedule"
I stay silent, watching in front of me. My phone, that is still on my lap, dings signalling a new message.
I unlock it to check the text and Harry gulps loudly " Thank you, Elle"
I side glace at him, reading the message Mae sent me about her story exam "What for?"
"Letting me come with you today," he says, his fingers typing on the steering wheel
I type an answer and lock my phone again "You didn't give me much of a choice"
Harry smirk "I didn't, did I?" he asks rhetorically.
I shook my head looking again out of the window, suddenly feeling sleepy " You seemed rather euphoric this morning"
"Uhm yes... This reminds me of something"
I tilt my head, my eyes on him again.
He turns his head in my direction looking at me briefly, a shy smile playing on his lips "You were with me when I went house hunting. It's a good memory. Seems like it's destiny."
"Destiny?" I gape at him.
"Yes, like we are bound to do this together."
I frown, not sure where he is going with this.
" You were the only one available, and again you didn't give me much of a choice," I say truthfully
He clenches his jaw, nodding sharply " Right"
We stay silent after this, Harry concentrated on the road while I rest my head on the window closing my eyes.
"Listen baby, ain't no mountain high
Ain't no valley low, ain't no river wide enough baby
If you need me call me no matter where you are
No matter how far don't worry baby
Just call my name I'll be there in a hurry
You don't have to worry"
I open my eyes when I hear the song playing and reach out to turn up the volume at the same time Harry does. Our fingers touch and an electric shock runs through my body.
Strange.
"Uhm... I love this song" I mumble bringing my hand back on my lap
"Yeah... I know, I do too" Harry agrees side-glancing at me after he turns up the volume.
I close my eyes again, making myself comfortable on the seat. The last thing I heard is Harry's voice humming the song.
"Cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wide enough
To keep me from getting to you babe"
Hiii, hope you're doing good.
I made a Spotify playlist if you want to check it out you can find the link on my profile.
vote/comment/share.
Stay safe,
all the love
Didi.