Nate
~Major Lazer - Trigger~
"Nate," the chick whined, "I want your hands on my tits."
Fuck, she was a needy bitch. "You'll get my hands when I'm finished with your friend."
She pouted. "Well hurry up because I'm not going to wait all night for you."
It crossed my mind that I could care less if she left.
It also crossed my mind that all I was thinking about while her friend gave me a hand job was Jillian.
Fuck.
I pushed the other girls hand off me dick and stood. Doing up my jeans, I muttered, "Sorry, girls, but this isn't going to happen tonight."
They started complaining but I wasn't listening anymore. I was going home to try and talk some sense into myself.
It had been four hours since Jillian had walked out in our argument and I hadn't been able to get her out of my head since. She'd pissed me off and turned me on all in one go. When she'd performed her new dance, the one she hadn't shown me yet, I'd been surprised, but when she'd let those assholes touch her, I'd been fucking ropable. And then when she accused me of not wanting to see other men touch her, I'd started sprouting some shit about being her boss. We both knew I wasn't her damn boss but I'd pushed the point, and for the second time this week I'd had no control over what came out of my mouth.
I had good intentions of going home, but some other force took over on the way and fifteen minutes later, I found myself knocking on Jillian's door.
She took her time, but she eventually answered it. When she realised it was me, she frowned. Her shoulders sagged, and she said, "I don't have it in me to argue with you anymore tonight, Nate."
All the fight left me at the sight of her and the sound of defeat in her voice. Fuck, I'd been a bastard to her, and needed to make this right between us. "I'm not here to fight. I need to apologise."
Defeat gave way to surprise and she stood back, and held the door open for me. I stepped inside and walked down her hallway into her kitchen. I'd been to Jillian's house a couple of times and was always struck by how similar her taste was to mine. We both liked the minimalist look and white walls. She had some colour splashed throughout but it was fairly simple and I liked that too.
I hit the kitchen and spun around to face her. She was watching me warily and I couldn't blame her. "I'm sorry for how I treated you tonight. That shit I said about being your boss was a load of crap so just forget I said it, okay?"
"And?"
"And I shouldn't have said anything about the guys touching you. That's totally your call." I didn't want them touching her, but I was sorry that I'd had a shot at her about it.
"And?"
Christ, she knew how to push me. And she was pushing me into unsafe territory. Who knew where this would end up now. I hesitated for a moment. "And I should have returned your message today."
"Yes, you should have."
I sensed her anger returning and felt the need to douse it before it ignited completely. "Jillian, I shouldn't have slept with you last night when you were drunk. I took advantage and that wasn't fair to you."
The anger that I'd tried to douse, flared at my words. "Oh, for fuck's sake! You didn't take advantage; I wanted that as much as you did. So don't try and get out of this mess by making some bullshit apology."
Her anger fed mine. "It wasn't a bullshit apology," I snapped
"Why didn't you return my message?"
She asked the one question I didn't want to answer, and my skin crawled with unease. "I was busy."
She threw her hands up and wildly shook her head. "Now, that's bullshit and you know it."
"What are you trying to get me to say here, Jillian? I thundered, "Because I sure as fuck don't think we should be going down this path. Why can't we just leave it where it is and move on?"
Her silence filled the room and she stared at me. "You're right. We fucked and got it out of our system. Let's just move on from that and not look back."
I watched her closely; she wasn't buying what she was saying, but I'd wanted the words she said, so I ran with them. "Good. Agreed."
"Good," she huffed.
Having sorted that, I had the overwhelming desire to escape the tension that was crowding us. "I'll see you around," I muttered, and headed in the direction of her front door. She didn't say anything, but I didn't want her to. I just needed to get the fuck out of here before either of us said something that would send walls we'd built up crashing down around us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jillian
"He said what?" Jen exclaimed, clearly flabbergasted.
After getting to know Jen, not only does she make killer tattoos, but she is great to talk to. "He said he'd see me around, like we were hardly even friends."
"How long ago was that?"
"Five days, and I haven't seen him since." I paused, and thought about it. "Actually that's not completely true; I saw him last night at the club. He was there but he didn't come and say hello."
"Well maybe you should go and say hi the next time you see him there. Shove yourself in front of him, you know. What the fuck's his problem anyway? It was just sex, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was supposed to be just sex. I don't know why he's avoiding me now but it really hurts. I've seen him be nice to other women he sleeps with so I feel like shit that he's cut our friendship again. And I could kick myself for going there with him because we had just gotten back on track.
Jen assessed me in the way that only she could. She seemed to have a way of knowing what was going on in peoples heads. "You miss him, don't you?"
The sadness I'd fought for the last couple of days hitched itself to my heart, and I nodded, "Yeah," I whispered.
"What do you want from him?"
"I want him to step up and be my friend. Big deal, we slept together; lets get over it and go back to being friends."
She gave me that look that said 'don't bullshit me'. "You don't really mean that, do you?"
My heart rate picked up with the apprehension that seized me. "I just want our friendship back."
"Yeah, but you want more too, don't you?"
"Nate doesn't do more and neither do I."
Jen hit me with her trademark directness that I came to love. "I think you want more from him, and I think you're scared to admit it to yourself, let alone to him."
It was exactly what I'd been thinking about all week. I hadn't been able to figure it out though. "I'm so confused about it all," I admitted, "I don't want to want him, and I'm not sure if I just want sex from him or if I actually do want more. But if I do work out that I'm after a relationship with him, then I'm screwed because he doesn't do them."
She nodded thoughtfully. "No, he doesn't, does he? But maybe its why he's avoiding you, girl. Maybe he does want something with you and is confused about it too. I think you need to go and talk to him."
I sighed. "Trying to talk to Nate about this is hard work."
"Well shit, girl, the potential sex has to make it worth it, right?" She winked at me.
My body tingled just thinking about that. Hell, she had a point.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Can't get enough of the place?" Grant quizzed me, looking up from the paperwork he was doing.
I dumped my bag on the table and sagged into the chair in front of him. Ignoring his question, I asked, "Why are you doing paperwork? You hate that stuff, I thought you would be with Jen?"
"Lucas is busy with staffing problems and Sam asked me to take care of it, trust me I wold love to be with my lady, but shit happens."
I studied him. Grant was ruggedly sexy and had a commanding presence that you just knew not to fuck with. But if you didn't fuck with him, he was the kind of man who would always be on your side, and I had a deep respect for him. I'd had some of the most amazing and deep conversations with him over the years when he'd let me in; he was a scary guy but he was proof that there was beauty in everyone if you looked hard enough. Jen had picked a good one, I just hope she has the patience for him.
Grant was good with silence, and we sat quietly for a while before he looked up at me and asked, "You after Nate?"
"Huh?" I wasn't sure if he meant tonight or in general.
"figured you'd come in to see him seems its your day off and there's no other reason for you to be here. He's out the front somewhere."
"Probably with some skank," I muttered under my breath, jealously stabbing me with a sharp knife.
"You might be surprised," He murmured, thoughtfully.
"And I might not be."
He put down his pen and gave me his full attention. "You got something going on with him?"
I hesitated for a moment, but then threw caution to the wind. "No. We slept together once, but that's all."
He scowled. "Hell of a way to fuck with a friendship."
"Thanks, Grant. I can always count on you to state the bloody obvious," I grumbled.
"Shit, Jillian, I thought you had your head screwed on better than that. You're a tough bitch on the outside but I know that under all that bullshit, you're just like every other woman."
"What the hell does that mean?"
He leant closer to me. "It means that sex isn't always just sex. For you to give that to a friend, to Nate... fuck, it tells me you want more from him."
Conflicting emotions assaulted me; my stomach was a knot of anxiety at the though of what he'd said being true. Before I could reply, we were interrupted by a voice at the door. "Grant, Lucas needs you out the front, brother."
Nate.
I looked up into his eyes. He was talking to Grant but his full concentration was on me. I squirmed under his fierce gaze.
Grant pushed his chair back, and gave me one last piece of advice before leaving, "Keep your fucking legs closed until you work out what the hell you want."
He exited the room, leaving me in a state of inner turmoil. I continued to watch Nate, waiting for him to say something. He didn't take his eyes off me, but he eventually spun around and left without uttering a word.
What the fuck?
I jumped up and immediately stalked after him. We were sorting this shit out right now even of I had to tie him to the spot and force him to talk.
He'd made for the front door of the club and I followed him outside before finally catching up to him as he rounded the corner of the building into the carpark.
"Nate!"
He promptly stopped and turned to face me. "Not getting into this with you tonight, Jillian." His voice was savage and I recoiled.
"When will you get into it with me?" I demanded.
"Do we even have to get into it?"
"You did not just fucking say that, Nate!"
"Yes, I fuckin' did," He threw back at me, hacking into my heart a little more.
He'd knocked the wind out of me and I struggled with where to go from here, "I thought you were different."
"No, Jillian, I'm not. I'm your standard bastard who likes to fuck without further complications. If you thought there was more to this, you were wrong."
My heart ached for my friend; the one I thought was inside him somewhere. I just wanted him back. instead, he'd disappeared and in his place was this asshole who I didn't want a bar of. "No, I thought I was your friend. That's all I wanted from you, and you couldn't even give me that."
His eyes flashed with ferocity. "You done?"
"Yes, I'm done. We're done," I spat.
His chest heaved, and he blew out a long breath before saying, "Good."
I watched him turn and leave with the heaviest heart I'd ever had. Not even my ex husband had caused this amount of pain.
I'm broken once again.