WARNING: DARK SHIT, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, DRUGS, ANGST, DEPRESSION, BLOOD
Phil's POV
The next morning I woke up with the most terrible headache in my life and puffy eyes. I hadn't been able to close the blinds anymore, which is why the sunlight now blinded me painfully. I immediately turned to see if Dan was lying next to me. But half of the bed was still empty.
Every single bone and muscle in my body hurt when I struggled to my feet and ran through the entire apartment. Dan was nowhere to be seen.
I took out my cell phone again and called him. And again nobody picked up.
He had been away all night and I was starting to get really worried.
Only now did I discover some messages from Oliver. I didn't bother to read them and called him directly.
"Phil? Hey, what the fuck? Where did you go yesterday?" He came straight to the point.
"Hey, yeah sorry. I was looking for Dan."
"And did you find him?" He asked and I already heard his mocking undertone, which I just didn't really care about. He didn't know anything.
"No." I said therefore sheepishly and ran into the bathroom, where I was looking for any painkillers "He didn't contact you either?"
"No, Phil."
"You are not worried about him?" I asked while pouring myself a glass of water.
"Sometimes." He said honestly and in fact his answer surprised me first. "But we can't treat him like a little child forever. We aren't his parents. You have to get out of this role."
I hated that he thought that way. In theory, he was right and if everything would've been okay with Dan it wouldn't be that difficult for me either. But Dan wasn't okay at all, which is why his statement only made me angry.
"Can you still try to call him? He doesn't answer me, we actually wanted to make a video for the Gaming Chanel." I lied.
"Why should he pick up my call?"
"Because you are Oliver. Come on, don't make me beg." I was tired.
"Okay." he sighed.
"Thanks." I muttered into my phone before hanging up.
Dan's POV
My phone kept ringing, but I couldn't bring myself to answer it.
Just stared at the display and waited until it stopped whirring, until his name disappeared.
I just didn't know where to go last night, which was why I had been on my feet all the time. I wasn't tired anyway. And I also knew why.
The substances in my body kept me from getting tired until the effects wore off.
Yes, I did it. I had relapsed.
I hated myself for it, even though it felt so good to feel it again. I could at least rely on that.
I could get it whenever I wanted and that feeling wouldn't let me down, it wouldn't disappoint. It was predictable. I could control it. Not like my feelings or thoughts.
Could I still face Phil like this? Now that I was weak, where I had broken my promise. We had fought together so that I could get over it and now everything was over.
It was now daylight again. Just as I got used to the darkness, to the silence that almost drove me crazy shortly after I took the coke. All my impulses had resisted this calm and I could hardly bear to be alone, but now that the streets of London were slowly filling up with people again, the first dog owners took the morning walk and the first people jogged past me I longed again not to be seen by anyone.
I felt like these people could look through me, see that I did something wrong.
I had never felt so miserable afterwards. My body cried out for sleep, but I was troubled by such a cruel restlessness that despite everything I ran through the streets and was torturing my body even more.
As if by itself, it had driven me back near our apartment.
My eyes fell on the opposite side of the street and I looked up where I could see through the window into our apartment. Was it still our apartment if Phil found out all of it? Or would my things fly straight out of this window?
How should I manage my everyday life without him? Especially now that I had relapsed. But living with him under one roof would no longer be possible, right? Now that I realized that I had fallen in love with him.
The self-loathing in me always overshadowed, and yet I would have loved to reach for the drugs that were still in my pocket. Well, if you start again, you are immediately as deep as before. I was painfully aware of that, but still it hadn't stopped me.
Suddenly my cell phone rang again and although I was sure it was Phil again, I pulled the cell phone out of my jacket pocket and read the name.
Oliver.
I quickly took off.
"What?" I said weakly, resignedly. I was startled by the depressed tone in my voice.
"Danny boy! Where are you? Are you doing well? Phil is desperately looking for you." He started.
Would Phil still be interested in me if he knew what I did?
"Okay." I replied.
"Are you hungover? Just tell him quickly that you won't be coming, otherwise he'll get sick or something." I heard him laugh, but I couldn't play along. I just stared at the window. "Dan? Everything alright?"
"Oliver, I have to hang up now, sorry." I hung up immidiatly.
I took a deep breath and ran into the building in which our apartment was located.
Phil's POV
I was waiting for a message from Oliver or Dan when I was about to make coffee. I was beginning to hope somewhere that Dan would just walk through the door to tell me that he just slept with someone. It would have hurt, yes, but then at least I would know that he was fine.
A little later I was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup, waiting for my phone to start vibrating. Instead, I heard the door open and got up straight.
And suddenly he was standing in the middle of the hall and looking at me.
"Fuck, Daniel!" It escaped me, whereupon I ran towards him and took him into my arms. "Where the hell were you?"
"It doesn't matter." He said and pulled away from me, whereupon he ran into the living room.
"What? Dan, I was worried. You were suddenly just gone. Tell me where you were." I immediately ran after him, saw him rummaging in his bag, pulling out his charging cable. "Have you been with someone?"
"God, Philip, no, I wasn't." he said, looking at me briefly until he turned away, plugged his charging cable into the socket, and connected his cell phone. I saw him miss the socket several times. His hand trembled as he put the phone on the windowsill. How he tried to avoid my eyes.
No.
"Dan, please talk to me. I tried to call you, I didn't find you anywhere. You can't just run away." I tried desperately to get him to talk. But something was different. He was different, just looking out of the window.
"I wanted to be alone, that's all. I have no idea when I was completely alone for the last time. There's nothing against you, I enjoy your company, but I just wanted to be alone. Completely alone. " He said and it actually sounded credible, but should I believe him?
I watched him drum on the windowsill with his fingers. Anxiety rose in me. Something was wrong, really fucking wrong. I took a step towards him, waiting for his reaction. Since nothing happened, I took another step.
I gripped my fingers more and more into the fabric of my sweatshirt as I got closer. He looked so cold. Why?
"Dan, look at me." I asked him gently when I was standing right behind him. I saw his jaw tighten, but he made no move to turn. He was still wearing his jacket. Maybe I should reach into the pocket and see what can be found there. But I didn't dare. To be honest, I was afraid of it. Just as afraid that Daniel will turn around.
"Dan, please. Turn around." I wanted to tell him that I wouldn't hurt him. Sometimes I wasn't sure if he knew that.
He sighed, then turned to look at the floor for a moment until our eyes met. I felt my heart stop beating, the disappointment that came up inside me. His pupils were dilated, his hand was trembling, his curls were sticking to his forehead.
"Fuck Daniel." It quietly escaped me. "Why?"
"Why?" He raised his eyebrows, ran past me, meanwhile taking off his jacket, throwing it onto the couch unnoticed. "Why the fuck not?"
I was perplexed for a moment.
"What? Dan, you were better."
"Where? Where was I better? You don't have any fucking clue. I wasn't feeling any better. I felt like shit. I still do!" He cried and I swallowed hard.
Suddenly there was this huge gap between us that I had to bridge somehow, but I absolutely didn't know how. Suddenly Daniel felt as if I couldn't reach him at all and I didn't even know what to say.
"But that's not the solution." I tried to appeal to his mind.
"Then what is the solution? Huh?" Frankly, I didn't have an answer to that. I hadn't found the solution myself, but I'm so sure we could find it together. I was hoping he trusted me so much that I would help him, but apparently he didn't. And it hurt. I felt betrayed, although I knew that it was not my place in this story. All I wanted was to protect him from the coke. I didn't want to lose him to it.
"I thought you trusted me."
"What does that have to do with the fucking solution to my problem? You know I trust you!"
"You have to stop, Dan. If you take that stuff again, you'll die before I find a solution!"
"So you have no solution." he said coldly as if he had won, but it just seemed like we were both losing.
"I don't want to lose you!"
"You already lost me!" He suddenly said so loudly that it seemed to me that the whole world was standing still for a moment. I held my breath, saw tears forming in his eyes, he was breathing hard. He didn't mean that, did he? Fuck, how should I save him?
"I am no longer the Daniel with whom you once shared this apartment. I'm no longer this little orphan from Manchester, Phil. I don't know who this child is and I don't even want to know." He suddenly said calmer and I swallowed hard.
"That's okay." It was.
"Is is? You once said that you miss old Daniel. That I should tell him that you miss him."
"You know I didn't mean that." At that moment I wanted to tell him that I loved him. In every conceivable way and I didn't give a shit which Daniel he was because he was always Daniel. My Daniel. That was now clear to me. But you just had to help him develop in the right direction and I just had the feeling that I was failing.
This whole situation was about him, not me. Expressions of feeling would not help anyone here. It would be selfish because I just wanted to say it and know what it would do. But it was just about what he felt. My feelings just had to wait.
"Daniel, you have to stop. That stuff doesn't help you with your problems." I said calmly.
"Nothing will help me with this problem, Phil. This is not a problem that you or anyone else can fix. You can't fix that. I can't fix it! I have to learn to deal with it and I don't know if I can ever handle it. I have to learn it. All alone. I'm all alone."
"No you're not!"
"Yes, I am! This is not a problem that you can fix with your optimism or our friendship. Phil, that's not a happy story with a happy ending! There is no happy ending here!"
"How do you want to know that?" I asked desperately and then a tear left his eye and I couldn't even begin to describe what it did to me. I wanted to keep him, save him, protect him. But I couldn't move. The sight broke my heart.
Dan let out a shaky breath and wiped the tear away, whereupon he took a deep breath.
"Listen, I'm completely fucked right now. I would like to take a shower." I swallowed hard, didn't want to let him go now. I didn't move, watching him get some fresh clothes out of his bag.
When he passed me, I quickly grabbed his wrist, but loosened my grip immediately until I could take his hand. It was cold, always twitching slightly and then I looked up and our eyes met and he was so sorry. I could really see it in his eyes. And I wanted to tell him that it was okay, that I wasn't angry with him, that I would protect him.
His thumb stroked the back of my hand, gently, light as a feather and I wanted to pull him towards me, press hm firmly against me and never let go. But then he said something that completely pulled me off the track.
"Please, don't fall in love with me." And before I could react, he was already in the bathroom.
Dan's POV
It hurt so much to have Phil right in front of me, to feel him so close to me, but to push him away anyway.
His look as he stood there holding my hand, as if he expected absolutely nothing from me. As if he just wanted to be with me, but I couldn't let that happen. He wasn't allowed into my cold dark world. I would destroy him.
When I looked at him, everything in me longed to just pull him close to me, to confess to him. I wanted to go back in time and tell him that I love him, that I need him, his touch, his closeness. His help.
I wanted to be with him every second, feel him, feel this affection.
I loved him all the time and I had had him just for a short, wonderful time until my mind had to destroy everything.
I knew what I needed now. It wasn't long ago that I had taken it, but my body was screaming again, wanting to forget.
Forget what I just said to Phil. That I asked him not to fall in love with me. I wanted to forget the pain in his eyes. I wanted to forget him. Now.
I closed the door and used the marble surface next to the sink for my project. I didn't care that Phil was just a room away.
I gave in.
My yearnings, fears, my pains, my desires, my body. I just admitted it, absorbed it. I wanted the effect immediately, I wanted my head clear, I felt better, but it didn't work. More. More and more until there was hardly anything left in the little bag that I had just bought a few hours ago.
It wasn't going fast enough.
I got dizzy and breathed too quickly, but I didn't care. It no longer mattered that I hadn't held up. In maybe an hour I would piss off this apartment and then it didn't matter what happened to me anyway. My fingers tingled, went numb, then my entire skin tingled until I felt nothing. My heart stopped, my blood froze. Finally.
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, calmed down.
But when I opened it again and saw my reflection, the shock hit me so hard that my pulse immediately accelerated again.
Blood ran from my nose. Thick, dark red blood.
I raised my trembling hands. They reacted much slower than I wanted, only arrived at my face after too long. My fingers touched the warm blood that was now running down my lips and dripping into the white sink.
It mixed with the drops of water that remained in it, creating surreal lines in it.
I watched it, then stared at my fingers, then back at the mirror. I felt panic rise in me.
It was too much.
I became more and more lost in a kind of tunnel, in which it grew blacker and darker around me.
If only I would stay here now. Maybe nobody would notice and I would just die. It would just be over.
No more fighting, against the drugs, against the pain.
There was still something in the bag. If I took that too, it would be the end for me. My body would not be able to cope with that much at once.
I wouldn't have to face what my outburst would cause, wouldn't have to deal with what Tyler had done to me for months.
I couldn't be loved, neither could I love.
I had always known that deep down and it prevented me from opening my heart completely.
It doesn't matter. What should that matter now? I poured more of the cocaine onto the marble surface, for the first time not paying attention to whether anything went wrong. It would be the last time either way.
I would never feel this desire for it again, or would be in the distress of not being able to fulfill it.
I had hardly taken the last of the rest, but I felt pain that was a lot worse than the one I had during the withdrawal.
It overpowered me, almost brought me to my knees, but I held on, only moaning because it almost drove me crazy. My head boomed, I felt sick. It felt like something was cutting off my veins.
"Dan, I'll call an ambulance if you don't open the door!" I suddenly heard Phil's voice and maybe it was too late anyway. I automatically ran towards the door, opened it jerkily, and looked at Phil's panicked face.
"Please don't."
Phil's POV
I was left heartbroken in the living room. This whole situation hurt so fucking bad. I had already fallen in love with him, how should I undo that?
And what was he doing in the bathroom for so long?
He had been in there for ages and still hadn't turned on the water. You hardly heard him, which is why I overcame myself and knocked on the door, but received no answer.
"Dan, open the door. What are you doing in there?" I asked him, trying to stay calm, but got no answer, which is why I knocked again. "Do you want me to break the door open?"
Nothing.
"Dan, I'll call an ambulance if you don't open the door!" I said panicked and a few seconds later, I heard footsteps and watched the door being opened. And then Daniel was right in front of me, blood running out of his nose. His hand was covered in blood, a few drops dripped onto his shirt and I couldn't say anything. As if someone chocked me.
"Please don't." He said wearily, which made my senses turn on again. I saw his eyes roll inward and his legs gave in, but I grabbed him quickly enough so that he didn't just land on the floor.
I slowly sat down with him. I lifted his head slightly with my left hand, supported him and tried to look into his eyes, but they were closed.
"Daniel?" No reaction.
My heart pounded against my chest, I shook him, just wanted a sign of life from him, but nothing.
"Dan, come on!" I shook at him. "No, no, please don't." Was all that went through my head and I stammered to myself. I kept trying to understand what was happening here and wanted to get a plan of what to do next, but I didn't get very far. I looked into his bloodless, slightly bluish face and forgot all the thoughts I had gotten into the meantime.
Suddenly his eyes opened heavily, he blinked, barely managed to lift his eyelids.
"What's wrong with you? What did you do?" I knew that it was his fault and also that the situation was fucking serious. I could just feel it.
"Phil." he breathed, looking at me with his tired, brown eyes that glistened with moisture. I stroked his ice-cold cheek with my thumb, forgetting everything that had been between us at that moment. He immediately closed his lids again.
"Fuck!" I suddenly shouted and turned around frantically, hoping to find my cell phone nearby.
"Wait, I'm going to get someone, okay? Everything will be fine." I let him know, but he gripped my shirt lightly.
"Don't." Fuck.
I freed mysef from his grip. He was breathing heavily and I slowly got up and ran to the bathroom. A small, transparent bag, in which there were only tiny, white crumbs, lay on the marble slab. It triggered terrible memories in me and at the same time I knew immediately what that meant here in the present. He was overdosed.
"Shit!" My voice was shaking, I was clenching my hands in my hair.
I should have known he was drawing a line in the bathroom. That he took refuge in it and saw the only way out. But why?
It didn't really matter at the moment. All I knew was that he couldn't die.
I ran past his body into the kitchen, picked up my cell phone and called an ambulance, explaining what was necessary as I stood in the hallway so I could keep an eye on Dan.
I saw him start to tremble, tense, gasp for breath. I immediately ran towards him, whereupon he clawed my arm, his face contracted painfully. At some point he gave in, just lay there. Almost lifeless.
"Dan, you can't die. I whimpered as I knelt in front of him again, holding his face in my hands. He swallowed hard, which for me at least meant that he was still alive.
Did I fail? In the end, couldn't I save him from himself?
Suddenly I heard a strong knock on my door, whereupon I immediately got up and the emergency services rushed into the apartment and directly went to Daniel. I just stood by the front door and watched them put Daniel on a stretcher.
The moment they carried him outside, my bodyhair rose, a cruel, cold shower hit me that spread throughout my body. I suddenly felt so cold that I myself felt that no more blood was pumping through my veins.
Without him I was dead too.
I ran after them, saw the ambulance standing on the street with the flashing lights on. I saw them push Daniel in, connect him to something.
I watched the paramedics motionless, a female paramedic had stayed with me. She said something, but I didn't understand a word, just stared at the ambulance.
I couldn't let him die just like that. It wasn't an option, that he was no longer in my life.
"I want to go with him. Can I go with you?" I suddenly turned to the medic who was just about to say something. Apparently I had interrupted her.
"I'm sorry, but only family members are allowed to come along." she said softly. He was part of my family.
The medic put a hand gently on my shoulder. I felt tears that didn't want to break free.
"Is there someone I can call for you?"
I hesitated, knowing that they would call him anyway, at the same time didn't know how to explain this shit to him. But he was the only one who would be there somehow.
"Oliver. Oliver Smith."
I took my cell phone out of my pocket and gave it to her so that she could reach him with it. But before she turned away from me, I held her by her orange top and looked at her with wide eyes.
"Will he make it?" I knew that was a stupid question, but I just had to know. Maybe she could already say something, from the first impression. She seemed so nice, she would answer me for sure.
"I'm sure the doctors will do everything, okay? Now sit down, breathe, I'll call your friend." She said softly, as she helped me to sit on the small stairs in front of our house.
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there are so many versions of this chapter, but this is the one i liked the most.
i hope you like it too. kinda shows what's going on in dan's head. idk.
i really hope you like it. show me if you do. (votes and comments, yknow.)
ly guys, please stay safe.