WARNING: DRUG USE, ARGUMENT, AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR, ABUSE, SEX WITHOUT CONSENT (?), ANGST
Dan's POV
I woke up confused. The living room was a lot darker. Did I fall asleep again? I just had a kind of argument with Phil and now it was so quiet and dark. Didn't he want to make us a coffee? I sat up, confused, rubbing my eye, whereupon I noticed that my duvet was over me.
He had covered me up again. I smiled slightly and waited for my eyes to get used to the darkness. Shortly thereafter, I realized that light was coming from Phil's bedroom, and I decided to get up with my blanket. It was so fucking cold.
I slowly padded into his bedroom, whereupon I saw that he was sitting on his laptop and editing one of his videos. I watched him for a moment, feeling guilty at shouting at him earlier. It wasn't him I was shouting at, but how should I explain it to him?
I carefully found my way next to him and knelt down, watching him calmly for a while as he edited his video. His gaze wandered briefly to me, but he said nothing and I didn't know what to say. There was nothing to hear except the click of his mouse and the ticking of the clock hanging in the hallway.
"I'm sorry." I started at some point. "I didn't want to yell at you."
"I know." He replied softly and looked at me briefly. "It's okay."
It wasn't. But I had no strength to get involved in this discussion, about what was okay and what was not.
"Should I order something to eat? Chinese? Like the good old times?" It was a kind of peace offer and Phil smiled slightly.
"Sounds good." I nodded and got up, whereupon I left Phil's room and picked up my cell phone.
Phil's POV
I wasn't angry with him. To be honest, I couldn't be angry with him about it. When we had this kind of argument earlier, I saw the fear in his eyes and I immediately forgot why I was so pissed off. I just wanted to hug him, protect him, tell him that everything would be fine, but he was so startled that I was afraid to take a step towards him.
I wanted to tell him that I would never hurt him, never, but how would he have reacted?
What happened to him? I had never seen him like this in my entire life and I had seen him in a few moments. When I saw that he had fallen asleep, I just covered him up and hoped that he could recharge his batteries after this shitty day that wasn't over yet.
After we ordered the food and ate, Dan and I were sitting on my bed together. I answered a few emails while Dan was on his phone, probably scrolling through Twitter or Tumblr again. The mood was tense in some way and unknown to me.
He was sitting at the other end of the bed, barely talking, seemed lost somewhere in his head as he stared at his cell phone. He didn't want to be here, did he? Why was he here? Why wasn't he alone in the living room? Couldn't he make a decision? Was he afraid?
I kept looking over at him worried, but he didn't seem to pay any attention to me or he ignored me very well. Too good.
I slowly closed my laptop, looked at him, but he didn't respond.
"Dan?" I tried to get his attention and his eyes went straight to me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." He said softly, tired. So fucking tired. I slowly got up and put my laptop on my desk, wondering what to do now.
"You know what? I sleep on the couch today. You can have my bed, you've been lying on this couch enough today." I tried to do the right thing and Dan just looked at me, maybe a mix of confusion and gratitude. He wanted to be alone, right? Did he know what he wanted?
"Sure?" He asked and I just nodded.
"Lie down, you need a round of good sleep." He did what I told him, crawled under my covers, whereupon I slowly covered him up and smiled softly at him.
"Thank you, Phil." He said softly, after which I just kissed his forehead.
"Sleep well. I'm right next door, yeah?" He nodded, whereupon I switched off the light and disappeared into the living room.
Dan's POV
Now I was lying here alone in Phil's room staring at the ceiling. I had tried to fall asleep for a few minutes, but gave up shortly afterwards. It wouldn't work anyway. Hopeless.
Phil was too good to me. I didn't know exactly what was going on with myself, but he seemed to have done the right thing. His bed smelled like him, making sure I was doing well and badly at the same time, if this is possible. Phil was always good to me. And honest. I was the complete opposite.
I got up uncertainly and ran back and forth in his room, hoping that in some corner would be the answer to my questions. What questions actually? What's wrong with me?
Coke. God, I wanted coke. I didn't want to think about the other stuff, I wanted coke. I bit my hand, narrowed my eyes, tried to switch off all thoughts, but it didn't work.
Tyler.
It always felt like a stab in my heart. Or to the shitty place where my heart used to be. I swallowed hard, looked out the window.
Without thinking much about it, I slowly walked into the living room where Phil was still awake. The light was off, I only saw him because of the light on his display. I said nothing, didn't turn on the light, just went into the room and let myself fall on the other side of the couch.
Phil looked at me in confusion, sat up slightly.
"Tyler was my boyfriend. My first boyfriend. The love of my fucking life, call it what you want. So that's Tyler and I really don't want to talk about it." It just gushed out of me, whereupon I looked briefly at Phil, who swallowed hard and then I looked down again. He sat down cross-legged and put his cell phone aside, whereupon it became completely dark. Maybe it was easier that way.
"I don't want to force you to tell me about it, honestly not." I looked up, felt a tear leave my eye. "But I think it would be really good if you would tell me."
"What's supposed to be good about it?" I asked contemptuously. "Then someone would know? Then I would have shared the pain? Bullshit, Phil. You can't share pain. You would only know and then, huh? Then what?"
"Maybe I could understand you better."
"You don't want to understand me." I said hsaking my head and bit my hand again lightly. It was silent for a couple of seconds.
"He hurt you, right?" He asked so damn carefully, and yet it broke my heart. I swallowed hard, felt tears rise in my eyes and nodded, hoping that he would see it.
"I will never hurt you, Dan."
"I know." I said softly, hearing my voice break anyway. Fuck it. I wouldn't get around it anyway, would I? Better sooner than later. I honestly preferred never.
~~~
It was so harmless how it all started.
I didn't want to be the shy little orphan from Manchester anymore. I wanted to put up with more, to grow up. Oliver and Phil thought it was a good idea, they had no idea what was going to happen.
A little party. I knew some of the people there, didn't want to jump into the freezing water right away. I talked to some people, played party games and then I saw him: Tyler. Pretty, big, blue eyes, dark hair, a smile to melt away. I question the existence of my heterosexuality.
Maybe the few beers too much were the reason why I dared to speak to him after he had smiled at me from afar a few times. He was nice, we laughed a lot and I knew I had never felt anything like it. We exchanged our numbers.
I actually expected it to stay there. A little gay experience, everyone had it, right? I was surprised when he called two days later, telling me that he had been wondering whether to call or not. I was happy that he had called me and one evening later we met again in a small restaurant.
We ate, drank red wine and it was as if we had known each other forever. We were on the same level, had many common interests.
"This is my first date. With a guy, I mean." I confessed at some point, but he just started grinning.
"I'm glad." We clinked glasses, laughed and a few hours later I found myself in his apartment. It was small, but it did reveal something about him. A guitar was hanging on the wall, he had a record player with some records that were on a shelf next to it. It was cozy. I was warm and I didn't know if it was the wine or him.
I paused in the middle of his apartment.
"You are so shy. It's cute." I felt my face blush and swallowed hard. "Daniel, I like you, that's why I want to be honest with you before this gets serious."
"Okay." Of course there was a fucking catch. He was married or a serial killer or from the CIA. Anything I wouldn't like. At least he wanted it to be serious. He likes me.
"I'm HIV positive." He said suddenly and I swallowed hard. That was the least I expected. I blinked a few times until I understood that it was all.
"Okay, but you're fine so far, aren't you?" Frankly, that was all I was interested in and Tyler laughed with relief.
"You have no problem with that?" He asked incredulously, coming closer to me, whereupon my heart started to beat faster. So that's what everyone means by gay panic.
"I mean, there are condoms."
"I guess there are." He grinned and I felt his hand on my waist. My eyes jumped back and forth between his eyes and lips and I was convinced that I was going to have a heart attack. My arms just hung down my body, felt way too heavy. I would die if he didn't kiss me, wouldn't I?
"Can I kiss you?" I nodded immediately, still staring at his lips, that were on mine a second later. It was a quick kiss, innocent, not demanding.
When he broke away from me it felt like I was flying. I let the moment take hold of me, trying to gauge whether I liked it or not, whereupon I put my hand on his cheek and connected our lips again. We kissed and I was completely convinced that I loved it.
After we broke up again, I had to laugh. Partly because I was happy and the other part because I was so damn inexperienced that I felt like a virgin who had never done anything to anyone before.
"Sorry, I'm akward." I laughed, but Tyler just gently ran his hand trough my hair.
"No, everything is fine. It's all good." He grinned. "Go home, Daniel. Let that work on you. Can you go home like this? "
"Yes, I think I'm completely sober again." I laughed and we slowly separated. He was right, I should go home and not rush it. "I'll call you tomorrow?"
It wasn't the first kiss I had with a guy, but it was the first one that meant something. I felt like a new person. And when I stood at his door with a bottle of wine a few days later, we had sex.
"So that's how it goes." I grinned as I lay in his arms and he laughed.
"Yes. I mean, I could show you again."
"With pleasure."
And it was so, so good. I quickly fell in love with him, he fell in love with me. I moved out of Phil's and my apartment and looked for my own. I wanted to become more independent. I spent most of my time with Tyler anyway.
We loved each other, laughed, joked, teased, had tons of sex. It was so pure.
I wanted to get used to my new life, to my sexuality, to Tyler before I told my friends about it. I wanted to tell them so much about him, he made me so happy and I wanted the boys to know what it was.
Tyler was a good guy, understanding, caring. It was the first time I really loved someone. As if I had only found out through him what this shit actually is.
But then everything changed. He started taking drugs. At first I thought it was okay. We were young, lived in a big city, of course you try a lot. But he didn't stop. At some point I realized that he couldn't.
It was this one evening that suddenly changed everything between us. I stood in the door frame of the bedroom, saw him draw a line on the bed, whereupon he leaned back. When he saw me, we just looked at each other.
"Do you want some?" I just shook my head, whereupon he got up and hid the stuff in its usual place. I sat down exhausted on the bed.
"What's going on, babe?" He suddenly asked worried and knelt in front of me, taking my hand. I looked into his eyes, saw his pupils dilated. He was so fucking high. I had no idea, when was the last time I saw him sober.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course." He said naturally, which is why I put everything on one card.
"Can you stop? For me?" And then something changed in his eyes. He got so cold, so ruthless. He slowly got up and I only felt my head snap to the right. I felt the burning in my cheek afterwards. I lingered in shock, feeling tears rise in my eyes. Did they come from pain or shock?
Suddenly, Tyler grabbed my jaw and turned my head to face me.
"If you ask me that again, I'll throw you out of here, understand?"
I couldn't say anything, so I just nodded, felt a tear leave my eye. He didn't care.
And since that evening he was that ruthless asshole. Maybe because he realized that he could do anything with me and that I wouldn't go. The slaps turned into real blows. Bruises, cuts, scars.
I wanted to leave. Really.
But then came moments when he briefly transformed into old Tyler. Moments when I lay in bed, he lay behind me, nestled against me, gently stroked the bruises he had caused.
"I'm sorry." He said and it always sounded as if he meant it. His voice was so thin, so broken, his touches as gentle as they haven't been in ages. I never wanted to get involved, but I kept turning around to see how fucking done he looked.
"Try to sleep." I kept saying, kissing his forehead and hugging him. So we fell asleep until it repeated the next day.
And then I realized that I couldn't go. I was addicted to him while he was addicted to his fucking drugs. At some point his money was no longer enough, and I gave him mine. He said he would go if he couldn't find any money. He wasn't allowed to go.
When I was completely convinced that it couldn't get any worse, my money was no longer enough. At that point, Tyler lost all common sense.
"You can't be serious!" I said angrily, whereupon Tyler just rolled his eyes.
"Do you have another idea?" He wanted me to beg him to stop doing it just so that he had another reason to hit me or throw his beer bottle at me.
"Do it yourself!"
"Yes exactly, no, nobody wants to fuck a HIV positive, Daniel!" He said and it sounded as if I was the absurd here.
"Would you really do it? Sell me as some hooker? You would do this to me?" murmured desperately, whereupon Tyler raised his eyebrows.
"Please, babe."
So my ass was worth 50 pounds. Now I was completely convinced that I couldn't sink anymore, maybe that was why I didn't care so much.
I didn't care that I had nightmares, panic attacks. I didn't care that Tyler gave me heroin so I didn't notice what these guys were doing. Maybe it was an act of caring, who knows. Sometimes I didn't even care that Tyler didn't care.
It went like this for weeks. Months. Oliver and Phil didn't really notice anything. Oliver had asked if everything was fine, but I only said that I was late to bed or hungover. Maybe sometimes I drank a little too much to sleep better.
Phil also asked, but was as easy to brush off as Oliver. They never saw my injuries, they never saw the injection sites. If I had told them about Tyler, they would have forced me to leave him and I couldn't. Even at that time, I couldn't. I was convinced that I would do anything for him. He might kill me at some point, but I didn't fucking care.
"Tyler, please, don't make me do this. I can't." I said and felt tears gather in my eyes. In a few minutes there would be some guy on the mat again while Tyler was drawing a line again.
"Don't act like that." He said disinterestedly and cleaned the table, then took an syringe. I knew what he was going to do with it.
"I'm begging you right now." He got up and ran towards me, which made me flinch. Of course he didn't care and I didn't really feel the blow anymore. I was used to it. He reached for the collar of my shirt and pulled me towards him.
"You can go, but if you go, forever, understand?"
"Fuck you." I growled and he let go, whereupon I just stopped. At that moment there was a knock on the door and I looked at Tyler, shook my head in a silent plead, but he ignored me and opened the door. I closed my eyes.
Knowing that I wouldn't go, I dropped onto the couch and stared at the ceiling. It was a guy who was there before. I was sure that he wasn't bad, he didn't mean to be bad, but I still hated him. I hated everyone who was in this room, me included.
When Tyler was about to tie my arm, I looked at him the entire time. I hate him.
In fact, I was convinced that it would go on like this all my life. I would never get out of this shit. I would slip into this shit more and more, die more and more, wish I was dead. To be honest, I was just waiting for Tyler to kill me.
One evening when Tyler got his new order and was sitting at the kitchen table, I was sitting on the couch watching him. I wanted old Tyler back. My Tyler. I wanted to fool around again, kiss him quietly, cuddle. I slowly got up and went to his table.
"I want you to stop." I said softly and Tyler immediately stopped every movement and looked at me. "Please, Ty."
"Jesus fucking Christ." He mumbled annoyed and stood up.
"Don't you dare to touch me!" I screamed immediately and took a step back, whereupon he stopped with a tense jaw. "You fucking asshole! I just want you to let this whole shit go! You kill yourself, don't you understand?"
"Newsflash Daniel, I'm going to die anyway, if you've already forgotten." He took a step towards me.
"You don't know that! You don't know how long you have or would have if you weren't constantly taking this shit! I love you and want to live with you as long as we can and you just don't give a shit!" I pushed him away, but he quickly got hold of it and wrapped my wrists tightly, and I immediately fell silent.
"You're pathetic, Daniel." He spat and I swallowed hard. Before I knew it, I was standing in the cold hallway, whereupon he slammed his apartment door shut.
"Tyler? Babe? Wait, you can't just kick me out!" I knocked on the door. "You fucking asshole!" Exhausted, I dropped to the floor, waited. He would get me back sooner or later. He can't be without me either. Right?
Hours passed and suddenly Patrick came around the corner. He was one of Tyler's friends, also a dealer. We never had to do with each other, even though he was a cool dude. He just looked at me until he knocked on the door. Tyler opened it to him, ignoring me, and he closed the door again.
Patrick came out a few minutes later, but now with a sack of my clothes. I swallowed hard. He held out his hand, which I hesitantly accepted.
"Sorry, man." He patted my shoulder, whereupon he disappeared from the hall. I looked at the bag, swallowed hard, was about to knock again, but then I turned and ran after Patrick.
"Wait!" I called when I saw him and he turned in surprise. "Give me something."
"What exactly?" He asked confused.
"Anything, I don't care. Cocaine, crack, meth, I don't give a shit." I muttered, whereupon Patrick looked at me confused for a moment, but then reached into his jacket pocket and gave me a small bag with white powder.
"Just take it." He said when I was looking for my wallet. I looked at him confused. "You need it right now, kid."
He probably knew that I would come again next time. So I switched from Tyler to cocaine.
And my life went on. It wasn't the same. It was terrible. But it went on.
~~~
Phil's POV
I listened to him quietly. Let him speak. Didn't cut him off.
He didn't look at me for a second during his whole story, seemed completely caught in his memory. Tears ran down his cheeks, but it looked as if he didn't notice. He continued speaking unimpressed, uninterrupted until he was finished.
I wouldn't have known what to say either. I still didn't know.
So my best friend had been living a kind of double life for months. Bad enough that I didn't know about his drug stories, but it was like he was just a completely different person who was hidden from all of us.
I wasn't angry with him, why should I be? It was just shocked and I tried to understand it.
"Dan?" I finally managed to say something and he looked at me. I think our eyes were already used to the dark. "Can I hug you?"
He looked at me for ages until he started to nod slowly and I sat right next to him and hugged him. He clawed my shoulder and started to cry softly again.
"Please don't hate me." I heard him say softly and it was like a punch in the stomach.
"Of course not, I don't hate you. Never. Fuck, Dan. I am so sorry."
I pressed him closer to me, thought I could protect him somehow, but I couldn't, right? How should I protect him from something that has already passed? How could I not know? How could we have been so blind and not see what condition Dan was in?
That's why he took drugs. To forget it, maybe to replace something.
"You are safe now. You're safe with me, I promise." I stroked his hair gently, felt him nod slightly. He slowly pulled away from me and wiped away the tears. I stroked his hair anyway, knew somewhere that it calmed him.
"I'm sorry. I'm just pulling you into my mess, you don't deserve that." He said softly.
"Hey, no, stop it. We are best friends, we belong in each other's mess, okay?" He didn't react to it, but it was important to me that he knew. It was okay. I knew he would do the same for me without thinking about it for a moment. We would do anything for each other, I was sure.
"Should we go to bed? Trying to sleep?" I asked gently, whereupon he nodded.
A few minutes later we found ourselves in my bed. His head was on my chest, I kept stroking his hair.
"Thanks, Dan. That you told me." I said quietly as I looked at the ceiling. He didn't answer at first, but I knew he wasn't sleeping yet.
"Promise me you will never tell anyone."
"Promised." I would never. He sat up, looked at me.
"Promise me you'll never bring it up again."
"I promise." I nodded without thinking about it for a second. I saw that he swallowed hard, whereupon I put my hand on his shoulder and pulled him back to me. He buried his face in my neck, I stroked his hair again.
"Try to sleep, you had a tough day." I felt him nod exhausted. "I will protect you."
He reached for my free hand on my chest.
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i love this chapter, you have no fucking idea. i hope you like it too, even though there is horrible things happening. i just love writing emotional stuff.
i also like the way the relationship between dan and phil is developing.
please vote and comment if you liked it. that would make me really happy.
please, please, please, tell me what you think!