WARNING: SMUT, WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS
Dan's POV
I didn't really think it was a good idea to move back to Phil, but I couldn't argue with him. I couldn't get against his arguments and deep down I knew that it was better if someone took care of me. I had put myself in this situation, in which I had to put up with the fact that I was now a person who shouldn't be left out of sight. It was a pretty shitty feeling, but if I ever wanted to make the right decisions on my own again, that was the first step.
If I wanted to get out of there, there had to be someone I couldn't hide from, couldn't escape to in my drug world. And that was Phil.
Now a regular life should begin again for me and even if I was afraid of it, I was looking forward to it a little. Phil wouldn't let me come down like that again. For a few hours now I have only been relying on him, putting my entire fate in his hands. Of course I knew that I had to do something for it myself, but without his help I would never believe that I could ever get rid of it.
As agreed, we went to my apartment the next day and packed a suitcase with some clothes in it, which should be enough for the time being. At some point we would pick up the rest or maybe someday I would be fine enough to live alone again.
When we got back to Phils, or now our apartment, I dropped onto the couch.
"Should we order something?" Phil asked, while he leaned into the door frame and I nodded in agreement.
Somehow there was a strange tension between us that I couldn't explain. Something seemed to have changed, but I couldn't say what it was.
Maybe it was weird because we hadn't had time for each other for a while.
The time actually flew by when we made ourselves comfortable in front of the TV and played all the games that we had neglected for far too long. In the meantime, I wasted little thought of what they were all about all day. That gave me the courage to really make it.
When the food arrived, we made ourselves comfortable on the couch. It was almost as before, just as innocent. Two best friends who ate pizza with a lot of dips on the living room couch.
"What's going on in your life, Philly? I don't get all the details since I moved out." I asked to interrupt the oppressive mood. Maybe we should use the time here to rebuild our friendship.
"Everything is the same, to be honest. Nothing you don't already know." He said and tore off another piece of his pizza.
"For sure? You just cut the videos, watch series and drink literary coffee?"
"Pretty much, yes." He nodded, dipping his slice of pizza into the dip.
"Nothing else?"
"What else should there be?" He asked confused.
"I don't know. Friends, for example. Women? Anyone?"
"We have the same friends, Dan. That means I'm where you are." He laughed and I rolled my eyes.
"What about the ladies?"
"I don't have time for ladies."
"Bullshit." I laughed. "You could have any, Phil. Don't they line up for some time with you?"
"Apparently not." I noticed that he was trying to brush me off and I didn't like him having a secret.
"There are so many girls writing to you and some of them always speak to you. And I also often see you flirting with some women, so what's the problem? Do you want something solid? There's definitely a-"
"Stop talking." he interrupted irritably. "I'll have my reasons, okay?"
I stayed seated for a moment, said nothing, until all of this really didn't fit into my stuff.
"No, Phil, not like that." I replied resolutely. "I have to reveal my secrets here and you just hold back? Forget it."
I really didn't see that he had urged me to tell him the truth and that he was leaving me hanging.
He sighed, putting his pizza box on the table.
"What's going on?" I asked gently and he swallowed hard, crossing his arms. Then he looked at me. For a long time.
"I'm gay." he said sheepishly.
My brain was working at full speed while Phil buried his face in his hands. It was impossible. The likelihood that he, my best friend of whom I thought I knew everything about, like me, was not interested in women. At least not only in my case. This probability had to be negligible.
"Nobody knows, right?" I asked instead and he shook his head. "Fuck, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you. I'm sorry, Phil."
"Now you know." He said softly and wiped his face. He didn't seem mad at me and I relaxed a bit.
"Are you feeling a little better if I tell you I'm a little gay too?"
He looked at me incomprehensibly, just like I couldn't believe that such a coincidence or whatever you want to call it could really exist.
"Are you kidding me now?"
"No. I'm bi." I said it and it actually felt extremely strange to say it out loud. After all that fucking time.
"Honestly now?" He laughed lightly and I only nodded, I couldn't help but laugh at my laugh. "Why didn't you tell me that?"
"Excuse me? I could ask you the same thing, right?"
"Right."
The tension of the last few minutes slowly dropped and left a strangely liberated feeling. Now it was out. And so far the world hadn't collapsed.
"You never had anything with a guy?" I asked and Phil shook his head.
"Not really. You?"
"Yeah." I nod. "What are you waiting for?"
"No idea. I think I'm just scared, does that make sense?"
"Yeah." I said softly and also put my pizza box on the table. "You can't be scared forever, Phil."
"I know." He nodded understandingly and fiddled with his fingers. "Let's cut the topic off for today, okay? I'm really tired."
"Yeah, sure." I said, helping him carry our dishes into the kitchen.
A short time later I spread out on the couch in the living room while Phil was looking for his cell phone. When he found it, he wished me a good night. But just before he left the room, I stopped him.
"Thank you for telling me." I thanked him, whereupon he only smiled gently.
But as soon as I was alone in this room and the silence enveloped me, the thoughts came back. No more distraction. Only the cold fabric of the duvet cover on my skin. I examined my hand, which was on the pillow next to me. I started to shiver again. I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep. I couldn't see or feel anything else while I slept.
But as expected, it just didn't work. Minute after minute passed, they felt like hours when the urge for the snow-white powder grew stronger. When Phil was with me I forgot all of that. At least almost. It was nowhere near as present as usual.
I got up quickly, couldn't stand it, left the living room and was now in Phil's bedroom. Only a small, white light minimally illuminated the room. It was the light of the display on Phil's cell phone. Fortunately, he was still awake and apparently quite immersed in whatever he was doing. I stood uncertainly in the door frame.
"Phil?" I tried to draw attention to myself and he immediately winced.
"Shit, you scared me." He laughed shortly afterwards and switched on the small lamp that was next to the couch and immediately afterwards he looked at my hands.
"Oh." he understood immediately.
"I can't sleep like this. But I don't want to keep you awake just because I can't sleep. I just didn't know what else I-"
"No, it's okay. I told you to talk to me if there was anything like that, so you should use it." It softened my heart how understanding he was.
"But I don't really want to talk at all."
"Then what do you want?" He asked with a puzzled expression on his face.
"I don't know." I mumbled and went limply towards him. He moved aside and I sat on his bed. I sat with my back to him, playing with my hands uncertainly.
"Can I sleep here?" It seemed easiest for me to just get to the point and wait for how he reacted. He couldn't do more than refuse, could he? And he would probably do that too. But then at least I tried it.
"Do you think that's a good idea?" He asked uncertainly.
"Come on, what's in it? When we were younger I used to sleep in bed with you all the time." I tried to convince him. I felt fucking weird about it myself, but I wouldn't show him that. So I just put it as the most normal thing in the world.
"Yes, but a lot has changed since then, hasn't it? Especially tonight."
"Do you think I'm falling for you or the other way around? Man, seriously, we're best friends. Just because we both like men doesn't mean that I want something from you." I explained to him casually, laughed to cover up my nervousness. I just hoped he wasn't going to see what it really looked like in me.
"Okay, if it helps you-" he replied afterwards and slid aside.
"Thanks Phil." I smiled. I cautiously crawled to him, was now actually with him under a duvet, could already feel his skin on mine.
My pulse was about a thousand times faster than normal, so I just turned away from him. His mere presence would be enough to calm me down, stop my body from trembling.
But then I heard the rustling of the sheets, felt his breath on my neck shortly afterwards.
So fucking close that I forgot to take a breath. That was what I wanted, and now that it had happened it overwhelmed me again. It was an electrifying feeling, beautiful at the same time, but also so nerve-wracking.
Phil put his arm around my waist and grabbed my hand that was only a few inches from his. Our fingers immediately hook into each other almost automatically.
My whole body tingled like I had never seen it before.
"I don't think that's normal for friends. What we're doing here." he whispered in my ear, giving me goose bumps. He said exactly what I was thinking. Then why did he do it?
"It doesn't matter." I simply let my heart do the talking, closed my eyes and suddenly became incredibly tired.
When I woke up an hour or two later, it was pitch black and silent around me. I immediately noticed that Phil's arm was no longer around me, that he had moved away from me.
I turned around by myself so I could check on him. He was lying on his back and as my eyes slowly but surely got used to the darkness, I realized that he was awake.
He stared down into the darkness of the room.
"Hey, why don't you sleep?" I asked quietly. I don't know why I felt like I wasn't allowed to speak out loud. He looked at me in surprise, had only just noticed that I was awake.
"I can't." he replied shortly, turning his eyes away from me immediately.
"Why not?"
"I don't know, too many stupid thoughts floating around in my head. You know me."
I sat up slightly, leaning on my arm.
"Tell me about it." I asked him, forgetting my tiredness. As if by remote control, I put my hand on his chest. His eyes immediately went to it and he swallowed visibly.
"That." he said in a depressed voice. "What is this? This is going in a bad direction. We have to stop it, Dan."
"Phil." I started, sliding a little closer to him. "Don't worry. When the night is over, everything is back to normal. Then none of this happened here." No idea where these words came from all of a sudden, but apparently from very deep within me, so that they were even hidden from myself beforehand. I didn't know I had such thoughts, but apparently they were there.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Phil asked, rightly confused.
Perhaps I was drowsy with fatigue, irresponsible, maybe it was withdrawal or maybe other factors that I had no idea at the time. But suddenly I put everything on one card.
My hand went down from his chest, still wordlessly watched by my best friend next to me. I slipped it under his shirt, stroked his stomach, back up to his chest.
"What the fuck are you doing?" He protested weakly, but when I moved my hand down again, he did nothing to prevent it.
In the meantime he looked into my eyes and I returned his gaze resolutely, forgetting my uncertainty for the moment. I still could barely make out anything in the dark, but I didn't have to feel it enough.
I crossed the line and slowly stroked his boxer shorts, but he responded immediately and grabbed my wrist.
"Dan, come on. We can't do that." He warned me, but there was something in the air between us, assuring me that he wanted it too. Otherwise I would never have gone that far. Maybe it was the excitement that was already in his voice that drove me so far.
I pushed closer to him, kissing his neck gently.
"Just relax." I whispered in a rough voice near his ear. In fact, he loosened the grip on my arm, reluctantly let go of it so I could continue doing what I did, stroking his crotch and increasing the pressure a little. In the meantime, something had clearly moved in his shorts.
He raised his middle slightly, confirming to me that he was finally getting involved.
I watched his expression, his eyes were still half open, but he looked much more relaxed.
"Close your eyes, Phil." I quietly instructed him one more time and he obeyed immediately. He took a deep breath, only to then exhale trembling again, to let himself fall completely.
Now he trusted me, let me do it and I enjoyed it to the fullest. Tomorrow was still enough time to think about the consequences.
Then my eyes fell on his lips.
There was only one thing that could make this moment more intimate, and the longer I looked at him, the more certain I became that I would dare to do that, too, unable to escape the attraction that I had never felt so strongly over the years.
His eyes were still closed as I leaned over him carefully, watching him concentrate fully on my massaging hand movements over his boxer shorts.
So he didn't notice that I was half over him.
It was only when I stopped my movements that he raised his eyelids with difficulty, realizing that my face was barely removed from his. Before he could have said anything, I put my lips on his, ignoring the violent pounding of my heart in my chest. This could destroy everything. Had I gone too far?
I squeezed my eyes in fear of how he would react and in fact he started back a little, but then he put his hand on my cheek and gently returned the kiss, stroking my skin gently, so that my facial features relaxed again. I completely lost myself in the kiss.
When I felt his warm tongue on mine, the whole world turned around me, far too many emotions pattered on me at the same time, but I let it happen, kissed him with all the passion I could muster and he did the same.
Tomorrow, none of this had happened here, everything would be forgotten and never happened.
But now, at that moment there was only him and me. All you could hear in the silence was the sound of our kisses and I couldn't deny that I wished the night and this kiss would last forever.
At some point, however, we had to part ways.
I paused breathlessly over him, not taking my eyes off his. None of us said a word. I no longer had an overview of what was happening to me. How far I had gone. I had just seriously kissed my best friend, my hand in his crotch. I could never have imagined that a day ago and now I couldn't get enough of him.
Again I took the initiative, now just fanned more than before and took my hand off his boxer shorts just to look for the waistband and this time let my hand wander into it.
Phil inhaled sharply as I gripped his dick, slowly moving up and down on it. He closed his eyes again, breathing heavily.
"Dan." he sighed as my movements accelerated.
"Does that feel good?" I asked, still leaning over him, meanwhile almost painfully hard myself.
He nodded, was far away with his mind, his breath became faster and faster, but that was not enough for me. I needed this security, although his reactions actually spoke for themselves.
"Tell me." I whispered, again in his ear, only to look at him again.
"It feels fucking good." I closed my eyes at his words, kissed him again until we had to separate.
When he had fulfilled my wish, I accelerated my hand movements once more, finally eliciting a lustful moan.
It shouldn't be the last, on the contrary, he groaned again and again, deeper and deeper, and drove me crazy.
Shortly thereafter, he grabbed my wrist again to stop me.
"What's going on?" I wanted to be surprised, but he had to catch his breath again.
"If you go on like this, you will need something so you can remove the residues." He explained to me, grinning exhausted. I grinned back.
"I know a trick there." I announced promisingly, and soon disappeared under the covers.
I pulled his boxer shorts down a bit so that I could put him in my mouth, and I immediately did so, gently licking the tip with my tongue, which immediately made Phil sigh longingly.
It wasn't long before he groaned and came in my mouth, I swallowed everything and reappeared. He looked at me with a transfigured look and I was sure that my excitement could already be seen in my eyes.
At least he seemed to be able to, because he was turning around with me, now lying on top of me. He looked at me anxiously.
"You don't have to." I let him know.
"But I want to." He said firmly.
"Don't worry then." I then reassured him.
He started kissing down on me until he reached my midpoint and pulled down my boxers. By now I was so hard that I thought I was going to burst, but Phil didn't want to go fast.
He let his tongue circle painfully slowly until it became almost unbearable. Groaning, I pushed my head deeper into my pillow, clawed my hands into his hair.
When he started sucking, moving up and down, I could hardly believe that he should never have done it.
Accordingly, he quickly brought me to the climax, sent me to seventh heaven and elicited from me such lustful noises as I had never heard of myself before.
He swallowed it too, didn't seem to have a problem with it, because he looked pleased with himself when he lay down next to me.
"Wow." I said, and Phil laughed uncertainly.
"I can only give that back."
I turned back to him, kissed him deeply.
"You can kiss well, you know that?" He said as we parted.
"I've heard it a few times, yeah."
I dropped wearily on my back next to him. He was in the same position too, so we both stared at the ceiling above us.
"When the day comes, none of this happened here, did it? That's what we said, right?" He asked, still looking up.
"Yes exactly. Like a wet dream." I tried to joke.
"A pretty good dream, though." His voice softened, I knew he was going to fall asleep soon.
"May be." My eyes closed one more time.
My hand sneaked to his, which was next to his body, holding it.
Phil's POV
I woke up a few minutes before the alarm clock should ring and the memories of the last night immediately shot back into my mind like lightning.
What did we do? What did I do here with my best friend? And the most important question of all: Why didn't I feel uncomfortable when I thought about it? I liked it, maybe a little too well, but it should never happen again, right?
I had often imagined what it would be like to get intimate with a man for the first time, but not with Dan. Not with my best friend since I was six years old. I don't know how it all happened. Was it because we found out about our interest in men? Or that we had gotten so much closer through Dan's secret and the help he needed?
Ultimately, it didn't matter anyway. We were best friends and that from last night was just a one time thing. It had to be that way.
Immediately the thought came to my mind that it was no longer the same no matter how much I tried to pretend.
Even if we never said a word about it again, I couldn't possibly forget it. Could never see him with the same eyes again.
His soft lips, his kisses, his hand, which- I shook my head, took a deep breath and turned on my side so as not to let everything in my head happen again.
As I was now in bed, I could watch Dan's face closely, because he was also facing me. He continued to sleep soundly.
It was probably nothing special for him. Apart from the fact that I was his best friend. He had probably experienced a lot more sexually than I had.
One-night stands were normal for him, I knew that. I just thought until last night that only women could be considered.
It was crazy how far away my, or our, confession felt again. As if years had passed since then, it was only the evening before. It had been clear for a few hours that we had spent many years of our lives together without knowing that we were attracted to men.
It probably felt so far away, precisely because it had changed a lot more than I would admit before it.
It was anything but normal for me, no, it would keep me busy for a long time, that much was certain. The last night had to be a one-time thing under all circumstances, even if I should miss it somehow.
Maybe there was another chance that we could look at each other again sometime without thinking about this.
The relentless ringing of the alarm clock immediately erased every train of thought from my brain. Maybe that was a good thing.
Surely the pictures of the last night would quickly come to life in Dan's head too. I watched him, saw him open his eyes and there was nothing he could do but stare straight into mine.
"Morning." I whispered, my voice scratchy because my neck was incredibly dry.
He sleepily ran a hand through his face and turned on his back. "Hey."
He yawned and stretched, behaving exactly as before.
"Are you okay?" He asked, looking down at me. I had expected every sentence in the world so that it either completely ignores it or jokes about it. But in fact I hadn't counted on any kind of care.
"Yeah." I nodded. "You?"
"Me anyway." He mumbled and sat up slowly. "Actually, you have to make coffee. You were awake first. "
"Oh, shut up." I mumbled and put my forearm over my eyes.
"Okay, okay. I'll make the coffee." He laughed. How could he take it lightly? I was disappointed, maybe even a little hurt. But that's what I wanted, right?
Dan got up. When the duvet no longer covered him, I had to swallow hard.
I didn't care about that when he was running around in boxers in front of me.
Our eyes met briefly and I knew that he knew what was going on in my head. But he said nothing, just made his way to the kitchen.
Dan's POV
After I arrived in the kitchen I dropped the mask.
My whole body contracted in pain, my skin felt like it was burning and at the same time it was freezing cold. In one second it was as if I was lying on a block of ice with my bare skin, in the other as if someone was driving every nerve in my body with a lit lighter over every inch. I pressed my forearm against my mouth, trying not to make a sound, although it tormented me so much that I wanted to scream.
The pain was so severe that tears formed in my eyes. I reached around with my other arm, looked for a hold, caught a shelf that was attached to the wall, knocked over a few spice containers and just hoped that Phi hadn't heard anything. Phil, who shouldn't hear any of this.
It was bad enough that he knew, he didn't have to see how much I was suffering from the withdrawal.
Just a call.
I knew whose number to dial to get fresh stuff. I knew exactly.
But as long as Phil was here, I wouldn't be able to hide it from him and I also wanted to get out of this eternal vicious cycle in which I just played myself off again and again. I hadn't taken anything in over 24 hours, the longest I had held out in a long time.
This was perhaps the only chance to finally get rid of it and maybe feel something like real happiness again. Not just this deceptively real feeling of happiness, which was only caused by the poison in my veins and would sooner or later drive me to my death.
It would go that far. My consumption had increased drastically recently, before everything came out, and I wouldn't do it for a long time if I increased like this.
The last night with Phil, I had felt something so clearly that I had been denied for a long time and that gave me the will not to give up. I felt loved. Even though I knew that Phil didn't love me, at least not in a romantic way, I knew that we meant so much to each other.
It was something I had forgotten for a long time. There was someone I cared about. That was important to me.
Of course, last night was just something sexual and I wasn't the type of guy who cared about that. No, I was not in love with him or anything, but still I was intoxicated by him, even without drugs. I didn't want to lose that through a relapse.
I wanted to spend the time that was left to me to get intoxicated by his affection. Not cocaine that could kill me in no time.
I heard Phil come out of the bathroom and quickly started to brew the coffee and make it look like everything was fine. As if my thoughts weren't just about him, this night and the coke.
If I was good in something, it was pretending.
Phil's POV
I crawled to him in the kitchen after freshening up and getting dressed. He was standing at the counter and was pouring coffee for us. I could see that he made my coffee the same way he used to. He still knew it. I tried to hide my smile.
"Thank you." I thanked him when he handed me the cup. He smiled slightly.
There was an awkward silence between us.
"Did Oliver tell you when we should be there?" I asked to break the silence. Dan nodded, took a sip.
"In an hour." Oliver always wrote Dan. Maybe because the two were as good as brothers. Oliver and his parents almost adopted him.
"Can you do that?" I asked worriedly and he gave me a confused look until he understood and his expression relaxed.
"Sure." He drank his cup empty. "I'm going to take a shower." I nodded, whereupon he ran past me and disappeared into the bathroom a short time later.
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i was drunk when i wrote some parts of this chapter, lol.
i hope you liked it; if you did leave a vote and a comment.
that shit really motivates me, so please. don't make me beg.
ly guys, thanks for the view people who are reading it.