"Ooh, I've been wandering 'round
But I still come back to you
In rain or shine
You've stood by me girl
I'm happy at home"
Noelle
If a year ago someone asked me if I would ever have imagined myself in the position I am in now, the answer would have been no. I would never have imagined to be sitting by the river Dane with Harry, talking about his ex.
And yet, here I am.
I had a nightmare once, in which Camille long-legs Rowe chased me with a copy of The Sun in one hand, gloating because Harry chose her and not me.
Funny how a dream can make you feel so insecure about yourself.
I mean, I'm not blind, it was obvious he'd choose her.
Hell, I'd choose her myself
If we were to talk about physical presence, Camille beat me 100 to 0. Tall, skinny as a stick, slim thighs, and so beautiful it hurts.
Not for nothing, she is a Victoria's Secret angel.
And we all know that Harry seems to have a certain preference for that genre.
I'm just... Well, I'm the average girl next door who, as a lingerie idea, has granny panties, possibly with some weird print on them.
I think I can count on my fingers the times I've worn something made of lace or silk.
And don't let begin with thongs.
"You really want to know?" Harry asks me again, keeping himself up on his elbows after lying on the grass
No, not really. But I can't seem to keep my mouth shut.
"Not really, but we must start from somewhere" I reply truthfully.
I don't really know what I was thinking when I asked him about his last relationship and how they broke up. Words just slipped out of my mouth it wasn't like I could take them back.
Plus, a part of me is kind of curious.
And you know what they say about curiosity?
Harry side-glances at me, nodding a little " There's not much to tell... We were happy, and then she was not" he shrugs, "Things weren't good between us long before she broke up with me, I should have seen it coming. We argued a lot more near the end"
He runs a hand through his hair looking at the water "I thought we could work on our issues, once the tour was over. But it was too late. When she broke up with me I was heartbroken, for fuck's sake, I was so hurt for a long time. I thought we were good for each other, I brought her over for Christmas, let her meet mom" he chuckles sadly " Funny thing is, when she ended things, she told me I didn't give her enough attention... Turns out she found them in another dude soon after. Some actor she was friendly with. I was right when I felt jealous of him. He was there for her when I wasn't".
He closes his eyes taking a deep breath "So yes, most of the album is about her, how I felt from the beginning to the end."
Hearing Harry talk about another woman with such intensity and hurt, gives me a bitter-sugar feeling.
I'm hurting for him because I know how he felt, I was there before him, many many times. I know what it feels like to have your heart hurting so much all you want to do is rip it out of you. I know the feeling of not being enough for the other and let me tell you, it rips you apart.
Old me is kind of jealous, Camille had all that I wanted: Harry's heart, and she threw it for someone else.
Karma is a bitch.
"Do you still love her?" my voice comes out as a quiet whisper, just loud enough to be heard above the sound of the water.
I play with the grass at I wait for him to answer, not able to look at him.
"No" he replies sheepishly " I did love her, but looking back now, I wasn't really in love with her... You know?"
I just nod, not knowing what else to say. We stay silent just enjoy the sun and the slight spring breeze.
I clear my throat, gathering my thoughts "Does she know you wrote about her?"
Maybe she doesn't know, just like me
"Yes," he turns his head in my direction," I told her about it. I thought it was the right thing to do, we both value our privacy and I wanted to make sure she was okay with me writing about us. When I asked her if I could use her voice she wasn't so keen about it but said yes in the end"
"Will you let me hear it?"
"The song or the whole thing?" he blinks probably not believing what I just asked.
I don't believe it myself.
"If you still want to when it's ready then yes"
I nod, smiling "I will. I loved the first album" My eyes widening, not believing what I just said.
And again with the running mouth. Good job Noelle.
"You listened to it?" he sits up, surprised.
I clear my throat, inhaling deeply "Uhm... Yes" even if I have many questions about it, I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it. I just found out about the lyrics he wrote about me, and part of me needed more time to deal with it.
"Did you... Did you like it?" he looks at my thoughtfully, the green of his eyes sparkling under the sun.
I nod, not trusting my voice.
He gives me a big smile, lying down again. I look at him as he takes a daisy and carries it before his eyes, examining it" Do you have a favourite song?"
It would be easy to say no, that every song is beautiful in its own way, but there is a little voice inside me that is begging me to provoke a reaction in him.
So I change my position: I turn completely in his direction, legs crossed and fix my eyes in his "Two Ghosts and From the dining table" I say, holding my breath.
He gulps loudly moving his gaze from me to the flower in his hand "Uhm... They are... They are good ones, yes" he stutters a little.
C'mon Harry, give me something more.
"They are" I agree " Sweet creature is about Gemma, isn't it ?" I try, hoping this will distract him enough to make him slip the information I need without asking.
"Of course you could tell.. You always could" he smiles a little, "I thought people wouldn't want to hear me sing about going to bars and stuff like that you know? When I listen to a record I want to know what the singer is feeling, not what he is able to do. So I made it about the most powerful thing I know: love, in all his aspects. And I didn't want to write just stories, but mine"
I tilt my head at him waiting for him to explain further.
"Every song in that album has a part of my story in it. Even Kiwi" he laughs " And... And most of it was affected by something that happened, or someone" he murmurs, now looking at me.
"Someone?"
Please.
He clears his throat and stretches out his hand, giving me the daisy "Yeah... Someone"
"And does this someone knows songs have been written about him or her?" I gulp
His eyes are burning in mine, and I know he knows that I know.
"No, she doesn't"
I'm grateful he didn't point out my game, probably neither he is ready to talk about it.
I take the flower from in his hand and put it on my ear smiling.
"There are more songs, that I played on the gigs but didn't put on the album" he informs me after a while.
"Which songs?"
"Medicine and... Anna"
I breathe out a laugh shaking my head "Anna? Another one night stand you had?"
He frowns looking at the sky "No, not at all. Could never have been one" his tone is serious. "I wrote it a long time ago"
I want to ask what he means but he turns on my side, resting his head on his hand "Enough with me, tell me about you"
Note to myself: listen to that songs
I mirror his position "What about me?" I smile.
It feels like turning back on time when we were fifteen and my mom was still here.
We were carefree and everything seems right at the time.
We spent much time by the river, in this same position, talking about anything.
I was so happy at the time, then my mum died, Harry went to X-factor, I went through one of the most difficult times of my life, and everything changed.
"Tell me about your work" he inquires.
I frown a little not knowing where to start, there's so much to say about what I do.
"Well... I'm opening my restaurant. Can you believe it?" I smile "I remember when we used to be in the same spot we are now, with me telling one day I was going to open something on mine. And actually, I am. Is still strange you know? Like... It doesn't seem real"
"I always knew you would have made it. You are so talented and passionate about what you do. You always have been" he tells me sincerely looking me deep in the eyes.
I laugh a little " Yes, you always believed in me. Part of me thinks I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you" I say, referring to the dark time in my life where I had completely lost myself, and Harry pushed me back in track, little by little. He was not there physically, but I never felt him closer.
"Anyway" I sigh "I want to call it Mama's kitchen... It doesn't sound stupid, does it?"
I fall on my back, looking up. The sun is setting and the sky has reached an orange shade, almost pink in some places.
"I don't think it's stupid. In fact, I think it's pretty awesome" Harry's reply comes clear, his voice low and sure, like he wants to mark his words in my mind "It's for your mum?"
I nod, side-glancing at him "She taught me the love for cooking. And I want people to eat what she cooked for me you know? I have her cookbook and I want those dishes on the menu. Do you remember her Cornish pasty? It was to die for, and I want people to eat it. I want a place where you can feel like home. Not nouvelle cuisine or molecular cuisine and all that shit, but something simple, that tastes like home. " I ramble" And you should see the place, it's beautiful, has a big garden outside where there would be a closed patio and a children's corner. The interior is all stone and brick, the ceiling has exposed beams, and there are big windows so there's much natural light. I want dim lights and plants coming down from the ceiling. I want wooden and large tables. Carter has found this furniture factory where they make the interiors with recycled wood and probably we'll buy from them all the chairs and stools, maybe some tables too... Oh and it will have some plants here and there"
I stop to take a deep breath and look at Harry. His mouth is open in a big smile and his eyes wide in amazement and what seems pride.
"What?" I ask, studying him
"You are amazing. The way you speak about it amaze me."
I smile, blushing a little "I fell in love with that place at first sight. Now it's just a construction site, but you'll see, it's gonna be great."
"I'll see it?" he asks, pondering my words.
I shrug a little "If you want to, then yes I suppose"
Harry falls on his back, mirroring my position "And what about everything else? What do you plan on doing till it's opens?"
I reach into my jacket pockets and grab my lighter and a cigarette, lighting it up.
The first one of the day.
I inhale deeply, letting the smoke burn in my lungs " I have a couple of masterclasses and, if everything goes well in May I'll go back in New York for a couple of weeks, and then maybe LA for another couple of weeks"
"LA and New York?" he asks curiously playing with the rings on his fingers.
"Seems like they want me as a special guest for two episodes of Masterchef and the managers of Hell's kitchen called Carter to see if I'm interested in participating in a show. He is working on it."
"Wow" he replies " Shit, we used to watch Hell's kitchen, and now you are going to be a cruel chef for a day? Sick"
I take another drag from my smoke "Now you know how I feel every time I watch Keep it up with the Kardashians and Kendall comes on view"
I said it out loud, didn't I?
I clap a hand on my mouth ashamed of what I just said watching Harry sit up
His expression is priceless: green irises wide and mouth forming an 'o' shape.
"Fuck Harry, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to say..."
I stop myself when he starts laughing hard, taking his tummy in his hands. Eyes shut.
I wait shocked has he calms down, he took my smart mouth better than I thought he would
"You still watch it, don't you?" he asks amused wiping under his eyes theatrically
"What? No"
"You are so full of shit" he snickers nudging my side with his index finger, "You said 'every time I watch it' not watched it"
He's gonna take the piss
I sigh trying to stop his attack " Maybe" I answer, looking away.
I sit up inhaling from the cigarette and exhaling quickly before I take the portable ashtray out of my pocket and turn it off inside it.
Harry's curious gaze follows my every movement and when I look up at him he clears his throat "Uhm... I'll be in New York too in May, and before
LA"
"What for?"
He scratches the back of his neck "Uhm... Met Gala, and an interview with Rolling Stone"
I widen my eyes "Come again? Met Gala?"
The world really is small as they say
He shrugs looking behind me, a smile playing on his lips "Yes, I'm going with Alessandro Michele, from Gucci. They are dressing me. And me and Alessandro are good friends."
"Right. Gucci dressed you during your tour" I state without thinking. Again.
And Harry notices it, "You kept tabs on me?" he smirks opening his mouth so his tongue could pop out from a corner.
I take a breath looking at my lap "It's hard not to when you are pretty much everywhere and half the world population drools over you" I really still not lifting my eyes.
He hums and we both stay silent for a bit, lost in our thought.
"So," he says after a while "Have you already found a place in London?"
I look up at him, his green eyes studying my expression "Not yet" I answer remembering my plans for next week " But I spoke with a real Estate agent while I was in New York, and she sent me pics of a couple of places near Primrose Hill. Actually, I'm going to see them on Monday with my dad."
Harry nods "I live near Primrose Hill," he says like I could forget it "Are you planning on buying?"
"I don't know. I think the best choice, for now, is renting, or a rent to buy, so when Thomas comes here we could go house hunting together. I don't want to buy a place without him seeing it first"
His face falls a little when he hears my fiancée name and he looks away "Thomas, right" he mumbles under his breath "I still can't believe you're getting married" he says soon after, playing with the grass, his position is stiff now like he is suddenly nervous
"Yeah... Me too" I admit
His head snaps in my direction, curiosity clear in his eyes "Then why?"
I look at the river in front of me, the water's movement relaxing me while a think of an answer "Thomas is... What every girl could ask for. He is caring, gentle and treats me right, and when I'm with him I feel like I'm enough you know? He watches me like my dad watched my mum"
"You have always been more than enough Elle"
I look at him astonished. Harry has his eyes on me, I blush under his confident gaze looking away quickly.
If only he could have said it sooner
"Anyway" I clear my throat, "I think it's time to go back"
I get up, cleaning the back of my jeans, the daisy on my ear falls on the ground on the process and Harry grabs it before getting up and hands it to me again, staring his green irises on me "I mean it Elle"
I let his words hanging, opting not to acknowledge the meaning behind them. I'm not ready for that talk yet.
We walk back in silence, as we reach my porch Harry walks me to the door.
We look at each other in silence, I have my hands in the pocket of my jacket while Harry has his clapped in front of him.
"So" he sways looking shy "What now?"
"Now we move on from here and see where it leads us" I breath out still not completely sure of what I'm doing.
He seems to think about it and then nods his head sharply.
I look at his hands, and just now I see the scratched polish on his nails. He follows my stare and bring up one hand, examining it "I have to re-do it but I'm not that good. I always put more polish on my finger than on my nail" he explains chuckling a little.
"I could do it" I offer "If you want. I think they are cool"
Harry always had a strong feminine side, and I remember how he used to be almost ashamed of it, due to people watching him badly for it. But now he is at ease in his own skin, and with himself, I'm proud of him
"Yes, I would appreciate it. Normally I'd ask my mum when my nail artist is not available" he explains with a smile.
I smile and take out my keys to open the door, ready to go inside.
"Do you think... It's okay if I hug you?" he asks, giving me puppy eyes
The fucker knows I can't say no if he looks at me like that.
"Uhm... okay"
I don't have time to finish the sentence that his arms are around me, pushing me against him in a tight embrace, one of those who take your breath.
He buries his nose in my hair inhaling deeply "Thank you"
Tentatively I carry my arms around his waist, hugging him back.
We stay in that position for a while, I don't even hear the door opening behind me.
"Here you are" my dad's voice brings us back to reality.
I step away from Harry, looking away, my cheeks on fire.
"I was coming inside" I shrug quickly, my dad looks at me confused as I step inside, looking back at Harry.
"Let me know when you want me to do your nails" I offer again "B Harry" I wave at him
He nods "Will do. Bye Elle. Jim" he replies, turning around and walking away.
When my dad closes the door behind us, he observes me carefully.
"What?" I ask in defence.
"Oh, nothing hun. I was wondering how long it would have taken you to fix whatever the hell happened between the two of you"
And walks away, leaving me in the hallway, with my mouth open.
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