"What are you doing here? How did you get in here?"
Swash looked at me uncomfortably. He rubbed the back of his neck.
"I stood outside until someone else came in."
"How did you know where I live?"
"Nathan told me. He found out from Emmet."
"I stand by what I said, Swash. You need to go."
"Michael, you have no idea how worried I was when-
"As you can see, I'm fine. I'm trying to move on. I suggest you do the same."
I started to walk off with my bag of clothes. He held my hand and stopped me.
"Bradley misses you. You have no idea how much. He kept expecting you to show up every weekend, because I told him that was the only time you were likely to visit. It's been three weeks, Mike. You can't just break his heart like that over and over."
"He'll get over me. There's no point bringing myself back when I don't intend to stay. I have a job that keeps me busy; I have a life that I'm trying to get back on track. I don't need any of this. Neither do you. It'll be best if we just went our separate ways."
Swash let go of my hand. I gave him a smile of appreciation and went towards the exit door. He had not moved from in front of my apartment. I left him there and went to the Laundromat. Whenever he decided to leave, he would leave. I checked my pockets to make sure I had enough money. I had already sorted the clothes by colour, so I expected to finish within three or four hours at the latest. The machines were not likely to be occupied at this time of the day. Maybe when I was done, I could actually go visit Jeff. I wasn't sure whether he worked on Sundays too. Like he said, the field of research was unpredictable. Jeff had become my strong tower in the past three weeks. I stayed with him for a week after my assault, and we quickly grew to understand each other. There was an emotion that surpassed love. We were each other. He was like a continuation of me, and I loved him just as much as I loved my own hand. Jason had also been a wonderful friend towards that time. Together, they had taken me out of my post-traumatic stress. I was happy I could go back to my apartment. It took a while for the nightmares to end though. But I was fine. I was going to be fine.
I got back to my apartment at 15:17. Swash's car was still parked in front. I frowned and went in. He was sitting against my apartment door with his head on his forearms, resting between his knees.
"Swash?"
He looked up at me. He was tired. I couldn't believe he waited until I returned.
"You should have gone home. Bradley needs his father."
"He's with Rita. I couldn't stand to watch him disappointed all day for the third time. I knew I needed to come and get you. You're the only one that can make him smile again. Michael, please. Just do it for him."
"Swash I-"
"I'll pay you if you like."
I felt offended. Did he think money was all it took to have me running back into his house? He had another think coming. I frowned and looked down at him.
"Move. I need to get inside."
He stood up. I opened the door into my apartment and slammed it behind me. It didn't slam. I noticed that Swash had put his foot in the door. He winced a little but continued to stare at me.
"I'm sorry Michael; I didn't mean it like that. It's just...I don't know what else to do. I don't know what to tell you to make you come back with me. I can't even believe that you've changed so much. It’s like...it's like you don't even care anymore."
I sighed. I looked into his eyes. He was hurt. He was worried. I didn't mean to be so brash. I just couldn't risk having anything distract me while I was trying to get my life together.
"It's not that I don't care, Swash. I do. Trust me, I miss him too. It’s just..." I struggled to find words to explain what I was thinking and feeling. "Bradley needs someone stable. He's a growing child, very impressionable. I'm still a mess, now even more than I already was. I don't want to ruin him. I still have a lot to figure out on my own. I'm leaving him alone for his own good."
"And you think having him heartbroken and disappointed is going to be good for him? What if he's unable to trust anyone again? You were his best friend Michael. For God's sake, he named his freaking fish after you. I don't need you to tutor him. I don't want you to be his life's coach. You don't even have to say anything if you don't want to. I just need you to be there. He needs you to be there. You promised that you'll always be his friend, didn't you?"
I sighed again. He was right; I did say that I'll always be his friend. It didn't exactly say it was a promise, but I meant it as one. And I didn't want to go back on it. Staying away from him didn't seem like a very friendly thing to do. I realized that Bradley had seen me as stability. I was here, worrying about how much he needed stability when I was the one upsetting it. Swash was right. I needed to come with him.
"Fine," I breathed. "Let me just drop these clothes and freshen up."
"Thank you," he said meekly. I could see the relief in his eyes. I dropped the bag and went into the bathroom to straighten my hair. I closed the door behind me. Swash had entered the apartment, but only slightly. Not that I cared. I no longer had that superstitious belief of not having anyone enter my place. It was just a house. I wouldn't live here forever. One day, I'll move, and someone else would consider this his or her safe haven. I went to the car with Swash and we went to his condo. I felt some nostalgia when I looked at the building. A tingling sense of familiarity with this place that held so many memories. I went inside and sat on the couch. It was quiet.
"Where's Brad?" He didn't seem to be at home.
"I told you he's at Rita's. I'm going to get him. Please, make yourself comfortable. Food's in the fridge, TV remote's in-"
"I got it Swash"
He stared at me for a few seconds before he left. I flicked on the TV. As always, it was on National Geographic. There were talking about Morpho butterflies. They were blue and green, with wings that seemed to shimmer with light. The presenter explained something about the crystalline structure of pigment proteins in the wings and the reflection of ultraviolet light which served to signal the males to one another, but I wasn't fully paying attention. I listened to the sounds coming from outside and I knew that Swash had returned. I felt my heart rate quicken. What would Bradley think when he sees me? Would he still be happy? Would he even care anymore? The idea of being rejected by Bradley hurt me more than anything. Maybe this was how I made him feel. Rejected and abandoned. I felt terrible. I could have done so much damage to his self esteem. After all, he was already a child from a divorced family, whose stepfather had physically and mentally abused him. I fought a tear as I considered what I had done.
"Michael!"
I had barely turned completely before my eyes were caught in light brown gold-streaked hair. It was slightly longer than the last time I saw him, and formed loose waves around his ears. His small arms were around my neck. I hugged him closely and the tears that had been forming flowed. I could tell he had missed me greatly. I never wanted to hurt him, and even after I did, he didn't care. He just wanted me around, faults and all.
"You came." He sighed into my ears.
"Yes, I did." I held him back and looked into his excited grey eyes. I felt loved. Bradley didn't care if I was a whore. He didn't care if I had been abused by a sociopath and now had doubts about every human contact I ever made. He didn't care if I was gay. As far as he cared, I was Michael. I felt more than content with just that.
"I missed you Michael. Michael missed you too."
"Really?"
"He doesn't swim around so much anymore," he said, looking a little glum. He held me by the hand and took me to see the gold fish that was in the bowl. He was right. Its movements seemed sluggish. There were bits of food at the bottom and I spotted some green algae beginning to grow in the water.
"Swash?"
"Yes?"
"You need to get a tank for Michael. With aeration system and water filter."
"Really?"
"There isn't enough oxygen circulating in this water. That's why he's getting slow. Fish breathe underwater, but they need oxygen."
Bradley smiled at me, grateful that I had provided a solution for the dying fish. He dragged me back to the couch and began to talk to me. I could see that he wanted to tell me about everything. From getting a junior writer's award for his essay to becoming friends with Tracy and Emily and some other kid named Skylar. Swash had bought him a lot of Lego to play with as he had been so keen on construction. He wanted us to go back to Shedd Aquarium because we had not seen everything the last time. I just listened to him and smiled. I turned and looked at Swash. He had a tired look of pride and gratitude on his face. I was sure this was the most he had heard Bradley say in three weeks. I had no idea I mattered so much to the kid. Swash crossed over from the door and sat on the bean-bag in front of us, admiring his son's chatty nature.
"What have you been doing, Michael?"
I was surprised at the question. Bradley honestly wanted to know what I had been up to. And I told him, as best as I could. The guy I had been gay for - because that's how he understood it - had been a bad man who had ended up in jail with the help of my friends. I discovered I had a twin brother whose name was Jeff, and he told me all about my true beginnings. He was gay for a very good friend of mine, Jason. My friends Emmet and Alex had planned to get married in spring the next year. My other friend Dorian was in New York and wanted us all to come over for the wedding. I had gotten a new job and was working in a diner where I had a meal combo named after me. I was aware that the stories I recounted were as much for Swash as they were for Bradley, so I said everything I could remember. And I apologized. I told him I was sorry for avoiding him, that I only did it because I thought it would be better for him if I wasn't around. He hugged me after that.
"It's okay, Michael. I'm not mad at you."
"Really? Thank you."
"We make mistakes all the time. Just like you were not mad at me when I put your toothbrush in the toilet by accident."
I smiled. I couldn't believe he still remembered that incident. I guess, through my actions, that I had taught him the power of forgiveness. He leaned over and kissed my forehead, then looked back at me and smiled.
I loved this kid.
"I'll make it up to you. I promise."
"I want you to visit every Saturday."
"I will. I promise."
He was content with that. He got off the couch and went into the bathroom. Swash watched Bradley as he disappeared down the hall. He turned back to me and smiled.
"Thank you."
"I understand now. I'm sorry I was so stubborn before. It’s just; I thought I needed time away to figure things out. But Bradley needs me too. I guess I can fix my life and be his friend at the same time."
"Thanks again, for everything. And for helping my career."
I raised my eyebrows at him. A smile crept onto his face and he looked like he was about to burst with excitement.
"I got promoted to head of advertising!"
"What? How?"
"You know how they put me on probation? The higher-ups were waiting to see the results of my change in the advertising campaign. The advert I had really pushed forward was one about a woman screaming about the platter food on her wedding day, which was from a brand that was not ours. Then it turned out she was just dreaming, and we captioned it "You won't even dream of anything else". It was dramatic. Our quarterly reviews came in and our sales had increased by forty-seven percent. It was attributed to the new adverts, and the superiors were so impressed by my risking everything for what I thought was a good idea, I was praised for my innovation and promoted to run the division. All this happened on Friday. So, come tomorrow, I'm moving to a new office with a couple of extra perks and a higher salary. And I owe it all to you and a YouTube video."
I smiled. I remembered seeing that advert on the park bench in the park in front of Bradley's school. It made sense now that he had explained it. I was happy for him. I was even happier that I had been involved in his success story. Of course, he was the one who took the initiative to implement what he had imagined, but it still felt good to be blamed for his success.
"I want to offer you a job?"
"What?" I blinked.
"Be Bradley's baby sitter. I'll pay you whatever you ask. I think it's a good idea. You'll make some money while Brad would get to see you more frequently. It’s a double win."
"Swash, I don't know...I-"
"Just think about it, okay?"
I had already thought about it. I didn't want the job. While I had promised to visit Bradley more often, I had a life I was trying to run now. Giving up all of that to become a baby sitter did not seem at all lucrative, no matter how much he offered to pay me. I wanted to control things in my life for a change. I couldn't just hand over that locus to Swash. Bradley came out a few minutes later and we had some fun. Swash had done so much to try to get Bradley to cheer up, including buying video games. Bradley offered to play with me and we were laughing and competing on Mario Kart after a few minutes. I totally enjoyed myself. By the time we were done, it was evening. I got up and began to say farewell when Swash held my hand.
"Stay for dinner, please."
I sighed and agreed. It was just like old times. Swash made something questionable and it tasted like heaven. This time, it was some Indian based dish with a little less curry than traditional. Bradley ate quickly as he wanted us to go back to playing games. I just tried to enjoy it. I hadn't eaten anything like this in so long. After dinner, we played a bit more before Bradley got tired and we remembered that he had school in the morning. The school had repaired the fire-damaged property in record time, but they faced a potential lawsuit from the parents of the boy who had gotten burned. Brad hugged me and said goodnight. I got up to leave. Swash followed me to the door.
"See you next week, I guess."
"Wait."
He walked in front of me and put his hands on both sides, blocking the exit. I raised my eyebrows at him. Was he planning to detain me here against my will?
"Please, don't go. At least not until you tell me your decision."
"About baby-sitting Bradley? I'm sorry, Swash, but I have to decline. I'm beginning to gain some control over my life, and I don't need you taking that away from me."
"I won't be taking anything away. You'll just watch Brad while I'm busy. I'm sure you'll have fun."
"I can't become your housewife Swash. No matter how much you pay me. I have a different life now."
Swash's hands slipped down from the door. I guess he was going to let me go now. I started to move but his voice stopped me.
"I don't know what else to do."
"You could hire a baby-sitter to-"
"No. Not that. I don't know what else to do about us."
"What are you talking about?"
"It's so hard trying to get on your good side, do you know that?" He looked me in the eye. "Maybe I deserve it. It's my fault your parents died."
"Swash, not that again, I told you it was-"
"I couldn't sleep after I found out. Two days of sleeplessness and I started taking Ambien. Then you came back and you forgave me, and that was when everything changed."
"I don't follow."
"I felt something that day, Michael. And I thought you felt it too. And then when you asked me for help because of your...injury, I felt so happy. Because you turned to me. I knew for sure that you had forgiven me. But it was so hard to forgive myself. So I started buying you stuff. Stuff you didn't want. I think I was trying to compensate you for the life you would have had if I didn't take your parents away. You could have finished high school, you would have had a stable life and you wouldn't have been on the streets selling sex. You wouldn't have been so cynical, Michael. I felt I had ruined you too."
"Swash, there's no need to be-"
"I'm not finished. And then Bradley came. I saw a different part of you when you were with Bradley. You were honest. You respected him. You never lied to him, even when lying would have been easier than the truth. And he loved you for it. And the feelings I had for you grew even stronger. It was so hard, knowing you'd never feel the same because you were with someone else. But I couldn't help myself. I grew jealous, and I couldn't help it. And when Rita suggested that drinking game, I drank too much. Not because I needed to, but because I needed to forget you. I needed to forget how much it hurt."
I looked at him. Swash was telling me all the emotions he had going on at the time when I thought he was barely interested. Only Rita telling me that Swash was into me opened me up to the possibility that we could have had something. But at the time, I was being blindsided by Malone and his cleverly calculated schemes. I had felt something for Swash too, but I felt it had died. Now, I wasn't sure anymore. Swash opened his mouth and I knew he had more to say.
"And then there was that time when we thought Bradley died. The way you handled the situation then, it was honest, it was caring, but it was also very you, Michael. And that's what makes everything about you so special. Because when it comes to you, there are no cheap tricks. There's no sugar coating. Everything is raw and real and it made me fall for you even more. I know I'm terrible at expressing my emotions and I probably even drove you away, but having you gone for three weeks; watching you about to walk out this door made me realize that I needed to do something. Because you're worth it, Mike. You may not think you are, but you are."
I looked at him with shock. I didn't believe his words, especially the last few ones. You're a whore, I thought to myself. You were a whore when all this was happening, and deep down, you'll always be a whore. I didn't deserve him, and his kindness, and his belief in me. I didn't deserve Bradley, or this life where he looked up to me like I was capable of doing more for him. Swash was the best thing that had happened to me, whether I wanted to accept it or not, but he needed to find someone better, someone who could compliment him as much as he needed to be. And I knew I was less than qualified. It wasn't a good feeling, but I could live with it. Maybe with time, he could as well. I wasn't about to enter another situation where I spent every day feeling inferior and unworthy.
"I love you, Michael. I just want to know if you love me too."
He said it. I had heard those three words before, so they didn't make as much of an impact as they would have if I was still a swooning fourteen year old. But still, he said it. And as much as I didn't want him to, he just made my decision a lot more difficult.