May 1962
After arriving home from school, Jess let herself into the kitchen and then stopped. The air that surrounded her was warm and scented with the delicious smell of roasting chicken. Could it be, she wondered and then she saw Annie stepping out of the butler’s pantry.
“Annie!” she practically screamed, and ran to her. “You don’t know how much I’ve missed you!” she cried, hugging her tight.
“Oh, pumpkin! I’ve missed you too!”
Jess let go and wiped her eyes while Annie pulled a handkerchief from her pocket. When she was about to dab her eyes, her hand stilled and concern was obvious in her hazel eyes.
“Why, pumpkin,” she said, studying Jess. “You’ve lost weight.”
“Uh, I guess it’s because I’ve been missing your good cooking,” Jess lied, keeping her smile going. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming back?” she asked, wanting to change the subject away from her appearance.
“As soon as I got my sister settled back in her apartment, she insisted I go home. The doctor said she could manage on her own, and – I just didn’t want to wait! I called your uncle this morning, and he got me a ticket on the very next train,” she said, smiling happily.
“Do they know you’re back?”
“Yes, James took me to the office so I could see them before he brought me here. So tell me everything that’s happened since I was gone!” she asked excitedly.
“Uh,” Jess started, trying to think of what to say. “Final exams are next week – and my friend Louise got a steady beau, and –.”
Wracking her brain to try and come up with something else to tell Annie, all that came to her were things she couldn’t speak about. She couldn’t share her devastating break up with Marty since she didn’t want Annie to know how serious they’d become. Nor could she divulge that Doug was in love with her. She was certain that piece of news would devastate Annie. And she didn’t want to tell her that Uncle Jonathon had physically attacked her and accused her of having an affair with James. That would hurt her too since she was in love with him.
“It’s just been quiet!” she said with a laugh, but she had to blink hard because tears had suddenly sprung to her eyes. She struggled to keep her smile going while she remembered how bad things had really been since Annie had left, but the tears were coming too fast.
“Oh, honey. Are you okay?” Annie worriedly, gently touching her cheek. “What happened?”
“I – just really missed you,” Jess said, no longer able to hold back and Annie pulled her into a hug.
“I’m home now, pumpkin,” she soothed, rubbing Jess’s back while Jess cried on her shoulder. “And I’m not going away again anytime soon.”
“I know. I’m okay now,” Jess said firmly as she let go, and wiped her eyes.
“Good girl!” she replied with a relieved smile. “Why don’t you change your clothes and I’ll go fix your basket with a nice snack. We need to get you eating healthy again!”
She turned to retrieve the basket from the butler’s pantry and Jess opened her mouth to stop her, then hesitated as a wave of conflicting emotions hit her. She hadn’t been to the cabin once since Marty had left her, and the idea that maybe he hadn’t stayed away like he said he would, suddenly filled her mind.
What if he’d decided to come back? He could have been coming to the cabin for a while and she just didn’t know. It had been his refuge for years so he could escape his dad and it wasn’t that farfetched he’d still need it. If he was there, she could talk to him and maybe even work things out with him. Running up the back stairs, she felt butterflies in her stomach as possibilities filled her mind. Maybe she and Marty had a chance after all.
Walking down the drive some minutes later with her basket and school books, she wondered what she should say to him. What might he say to her? Would he be angry she’d caught him? Would he be full of regrets about breaking things off? She knew he was lying when he’d said he didn’t love her, but was he still in love with her now that it was months later?
If she was honest with herself, she was still in love with him even after he’d broken her heart. They’d been too close and shared too much for too long for her feelings to go away, and she was certain it must be true for him as well. Unless he found another girl, a voice inside her said, and she slowed her steps. What if that was true, she wondered, and a wave of grief wash over her.
Taking a deep breath, she straightened her back. It was stupid to get upset over losing him to another girl when she didn’t even know if Marty was coming to the cabin. Heading into the woods, she tried push all thoughts out of her head.
When she reached the clearing and saw the little cabin, her heart rate sped up, and she quickened her pace. Opening the door, she stepped inside, smelling the stuffy air scented with pine. While her eyes adjusted to the dimmer light, she noticed a light coating of dust on the floor as she made her way to the fireplace, and then the pain in her chest returned. There were ashes in the fireplace, the same ashes from the night he'd left her. He hadn’t been back after all.
The finality of knowing there was no chance of them getting back together, filled her with desolation. Wiping her tears away, anger rose up to take its place and she embraced it. She’d been stupid to allow herself to get her hopes up. Marty had tossed her aside and moved on, and it was time for her to move on too. She was going to leave this cruddy town and never come back, she decided, stomping out and slamming the door shut.
Not wanting to spend any more time around the cabin, or anywhere else that held painful memories of Marty, she took a circuitous route home, stopping occasionally to unwrap the food Annie had packed for her and drop it on the ground for whatever animals might want it. When she entered the kitchen, Annie looked up with surprise from the table where she was peeling potatoes.
“You’re back so soon!” she exclaimed, studying Jess with concern, and Jess hoped she couldn’t tell she’d been crying.
“I ate and then decided to come home,” she said, turning her back to Annie as she set the basket on the counter. “I stopped going to the cabin while you were gone,” she explained while removing the empty wax paper wrappers. “And – I think I’m just too old for it now. It’s boring there.”
“I guess it was bound to happen,” Annie replied with a sigh. “It’s probably for the best. Now we won’t have to worry about your uncle finding out.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Jess agreed, trying to hide her sudden sadness. “I should get started studying for my exams,” she said, heading to the stairs so she could be alone.
~
At the beginning of lunch period the next day, Jess located Louise in the crowded hallway. “You go on without me,” she told her. “I have to go see the guidance counselor and then I’ll join you.”
“You know, you’re not coming back next year,” Louise said with a laugh. “You don’t need to choose classes again.”
“No, I – I need to see her about something else.”
“Okay,” Louise said, still laughing. “I’ll save your seat.”
Jess clutched her notebook to her chest as she made her way to the guidance counselor’s office. She didn’t know why, but she suddenly felt nervous. When she found the one she was looking for, she knocked on the door frame to get the attention of the older woman seated at the desk.
“Mrs. Hayes?”
“Hello, Jess,” she replied with a wide smile.
“Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Of course! Come have a seat! I always have a minute for you.” Jess entered, grateful for once that being a Blackwell was working in her favor. “What can I do for you?” Mrs. Hayes asked once Jess was seated.
“I wanted to talk to you because I need your help. I want to apply to college, but I don’t know which ones I can apply to, and how to do it.”
“There aren’t a lot to choose from around here,” Mrs. Hayes said, standing to go to a file cabinet. “But I think I can find you at least one or two good choices,”
“Oh, I should have mentioned – I want to go to school on the East coast.” Mrs. Hayes stopped looking through folders and turned her head to Jess with a frown. “I would like to go to college in New York City, if I can find one there.”
“Why would you want to go to school so far from home?” Mrs. Hayes asked, closing the drawer of her filing cabinet and returning to her seat.
“Uh, well, I thought it would be – a good idea,” Jess said, finishing quietly as Mrs. Hayes expression become more sober.
“Most young women go to college close to home, Jess,” Mrs. Hayes explained seriously, as if this was important information that Jess hadn’t realized. “That’s so their families are nearby in case they need help, or get homesick.”
“But I won’t get homesick, Mrs. Hayes. I used to live in New York City.”
“And most families prefer having their daughters nearby, so they know they’re alright,” Mrs. Hayes continued as if Jess hadn’t spoken. “It’s for their peace of mind, you see.”
“Yes, I see, but I really wanted to go to school in New York City.” There was silence while Mrs. Hayes studied her.
“What were you planning on doing at college?”
“Um, I haven’t decided yet,” Jess admitted, shrinking in her seat under Mrs. Hayes scrutiny.
She’d been considering studying some kind of science when Marty was still a part of her plans. She'd enjoyed those classes and she'd figured they’d be able to spend more time together that way. But now that he wasn’t going with her, she’d decided it might be too painful to take those courses without him. Lacking any other obvious choices, she’d hoped that once she started taking classes, something would grab her interest.
“Now, Jess,” Mrs. Hayes said, resuming her lecturing tone. “The vast majority of women only attend college for a few years because they find a husband and get married. It would be much better if you attend school close to home. That way – .”
“I’m not going to college to find a husband,” Jess interrupted, trying to keep the frustration out of her voice. “I want to get my degree so I can have a career.”
“Oh!” Mrs. Hayes said loudly with surprise while she leaned back in her chair. “I didn’t realize.” Wasn’t that what they were talking about, Jess thought testily. “What classes are you taking now?”
“I’m taking Latin, law, calculus – earth science –.” She trailed off as the furrow in Mrs. Hayes’ brow deepened and her expression became more serious. After another moment of silence, Mrs. Hayes sighed deeply and leaned forward, clasping her hands on her desk.
“I understand your mother has been gone for a number of years,” she said somberly, and Jess stared at her, shocked her mother would be brought into the conversation. “Even though your uncle is a very good parent, and I’m sure doing the best he can, perhaps you haven’t had the kind of – upbringing most young ladies have who still have a mother who can guide them towards making the best choices.”
Jess could feel anger boiling up. She did have a mother. Annie had done a wonderful job taking care of her and giving her good advice, every bit as good as her real mother.
“It’s a proven fact, Jess. Men don’t like to marry girls who are smarter than they are,” she said, shaking her head sadly. Jess opened her mouth to reply, but Mrs. Hayes lifted her hand to stop her. “Now, I know you said you’re not looking for a husband at college, but by time you’re finished, you will be. You wouldn’t want to do something that would make it impossible to ever get married, would you?”
While Mrs. Hayes looked at her expectantly, Jess struggled to come up with something to say, but all the things that came to mind were too rude to say out loud. Instead of arguing with her, she decided on a different tack.
“Mrs. Hayes, this is what I’ve decided I want to do. Will you please help me apply to colleges in New York City?”
“Have you talked to your uncle about this?” Jess’s stomach sank.
“No. I haven’t,” Jess admitted quietly.
“Then I’m afraid I can’t. I would not be serving him, or you, by helping you do something he might not approve of. If he says it’s alright for you attend college that far from home, then I will be happy to help you. But without his okay, it’s out of the question.”
Hearing the words, Jess could feel her hopes collapsing. If she needed his approval, her chances of going to college in New York City suddenly seemed much smaller.
“Thank you, Mrs. Hayes,” she said faintly as she stood.
“Not at all,” Mrs. Hayes replied with a smile, looking relieved Jess was leaving. “Just have your uncle call me, and I can start looking for universities for you.” Jess didn’t bother to respond as she left the small office.
While Jess trudged towards the small gym, she wondered how likely it was that Uncle Jonathon would allow her to attend college so far from home? After years of battling to get him to agree to the smallest things she’d needed, she feared he would refuse out of hand.
But they’d been getting along a lot better over the last few months, she reminded herself. When she’d told him she needed a new jacket when the warmer weather arrived, he hadn’t hesitated to agree to buy one, even giving money to Doug so he could take her shopping. Maybe this would be the same. Perhaps he’d even be happy to agree to let her go since he would no longer be responsible for her.
But as she took her spot on the bench next to Louise, a terrible doubt took hold in her mind. Uncle Jonathon might refuse to let her go that far away, because then he wouldn’t be able to control her anymore.
~
“Do you feel ready for your tests?” Jess asked Louise the morning of their first exams.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Louise said with a sigh. “I practiced my stenography all weekend while I took orders at the restaurant. Of course I had to translate everything into English so dad could read them.” Jess laughed, imagining how confusing it would be if Louise handed orders written in shorthand to her dad. “How about you?”
“I’m worried about them,” Jess admitted.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Louise said easily with a wave of her hand. “You always say you’re worried, and then you do swell.”
That’s because she’d always had Marty to study with, Jess thought sadly. This was the first semester she’d been studying entirely on her own. Even though Mr. Miller, her former math teacher, had been wrong about her only being able to do higher math because she’d been teaching it to someone else, she had to admit she’d found it more difficult to learn when she wasn’t teaching her lessons to Marty.
“Well, I guess I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be too,” Jess replied.
“Good luck!” Louise exclaimed over the loud ringing of the first bell.
“You too!”
Once Jess and Louise were inside the building, they parted and Jess went to her first class. While she waited for the test to start, the students surrounding her had notebooks and textbooks open, attempting to cram in a few more facts during the last remaining minutes. Jess didn’t bother, knowing it was futile. She was already nervous enough without making it worse by rushing to gain some last minute knowledge.
Out of her peripheral vision, she saw a familiar shape, and when her head snapped up, her breath left her body. Marty had just crossed the threshold and when he saw her, he froze. With their eyes locked, she searched his face with longing while the terrible ache of losing him returned. She had the urge to get up and run to him, wrap her arms around him so she could feel safe and protected in his strong hold. Then he dropped his head and headed to the back of the classroom.
She couldn’t help turning to watch him along with a few other students who gave him curious stares. Choosing a desk in the rear of the classroom, he sat with a grim expression, avoiding looking at anyone. He appeared tired, with dark circles under his eyes, and his face was thinner. Did he not get enough to eat now that she was no longer giving him extra food, she wondered sadly.
Realizing she was staring at him, she faced forward as grief consumed her. She couldn’t do this, she thought with despair. She couldn’t sit in the same room with him for the next hour pretending there was nothing between them, as if he hadn’t broken her heart right after she’d told him she loved him. And then it occurred to her that he was going to be in all her final exams since they’d started the school year studying all the same classes.
Watching Mr. Larson begin handing out test papers, she felt like crying, not knowing what to do. How could she possibly concentrate on Latin verbs while she was bearing the pain of knowing he was sitting just feet from her? Maybe she should walk out, she thought desperately, go hide out in the girl's bathroom until the day was over. But then she would fail high school.
Swallowing hard, she straightened in her seat while a steely determination took hold. She had to pass her exams. If she didn’t, she’d be stuck, locked inside the iron fence with her uncle controlling her for the rest of her life. Obviously Marty wasn’t going let the fact she was there stop him from graduating high school, and she wasn’t going to let him crush her dreams either.
Bending over her paper with her pencil, she was ready to take her destiny in her own hands. She was going to pass this test, and all the other ones even if Marty was there. She’d put off asking her uncle about going to college because she’d been afraid what his answer might be, but she wasn’t going to delay it any further. She would ask Uncle Jonathon the next time she saw him, and if he wasn’t willing to let her go, she’d find a way to convince him.
If she had any hopes of moving on with her life, she had to go somewhere far away, someplace where she would never run into Marty Cappellini again. Then she’d finally be able to forget about him.
****
Annie is back! Boy, did we miss her! As you can see, things are coming to a head pretty quickly as Jess has made some firm decisions about her future. I'm sure some of you were probably surprised at the 'advice' given by the guidance counselor. It's another reminder of how different things were for girls back then. And finally, Jess and Marty face each other one more heartbreaking time.
What do you think will happen when Jess asks a nicer Uncle Jonathon for permission to attend college so far from home? Will she leave without any hope of her and Marty being together again? And what will Doug's reaction be to learning her plans?
Please consider voting on this chapter if you enjoyed it and would like to support it in the Watty's. A comment will also help it win! The song is Town Without Pity by Gene Pitney, and is probably my favorite out of all the songs I've used so far. The picture is a lovely Natalie Wood aka Jess.