"I'm sorry?" the Doctor asks.
"Moan! Beat your breast. Moan. Groan as though twenty devils possessed your guts" Robin replies, I roll my eyes, struggling to unpick my chain on my other wrist.
"What for?" the Doctor asks.
"So as to attract the attention of that gargoyle-faced guard."
"It's your plan. You moan."
"No, no. No, it won't work."
"Why?"
"Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years and you have a sickly aspect to you."
"I have a what?"
"You're as pale as milk. It's the way with Scots. They're strangers to vegetables."
"I'm not moaning. You moan."
"Fine. If you want something doing" Robin starts moaning loudly "can I rely upon you to do the rest?"
"Yes, yes, I know the drill" the guard speaks through the grill in the door.
"What is this din?"
"No business of yours, cur!" the Doctor looks to Robin "speak up. I can't hear you."
"What ails him?"
"None of your business" the guard enters.
"I said, what ails him?"
"Well, if you must know, he's having a nervous breakdown" I say, finally getting my other hand free without the guard noticing.
"A what?"
"He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger. He just can't seem to cope. He gets so afraid. He goes into a kind of fit. I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse. Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself" the Doctor says.
"Let him die. It will save us the trouble of executing him."
"And what will happen to the reward?"
"Reward?"
"Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that."
"Tell me!"
"He carries a vital message. The Prince has promised a bounty" I say.
"A big one?"
"An enormous one" Robin mumbles. The guard leans close to him.
"What's that? Say again?"
"Come closer. Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that?" Robin head-butts him, knocking him out cold "soiled myself?"
"Did you? That's getting into character. Ok, keys" the Doctor says.
"I'll get them."
"No, no. I'll get them" I stand up watching the two.
"I'll get them. I'll get them."
"I'm fine, no, no worries. I've got them!"
"I've got them! I'll get..." they end up kicking the guard's keys down the drain.
"Well, there is a bright side" I say.
"Which is?" Robin.
"Clara didn't see that," the Doctor says.
"No" I reply, they both look at me as I walk to the door "since you are both acting like children you find your own way out of those chains yeah?"
"How'd you do that?" Robin asks.
"A women never reveals her secrets, Robin."
*Time skip*
Robin is carrying the block which has both his and the Doctor's chains are running through, I walk in front of them, I stop.
"Now what?" Robin asks.
"First, a blacksmith's forge," the Doctor says.
"So as to remove our chains?" Robin asks,
"No. So I can knock up an ornamental plant stand. Of course, it's so we can get rid of our chains. I don't want to be manacled to you all night" Robin laughs "oh, no. Please, don't do that."
"Ornamental plant stand."
"It's not even that funny."
"You're an amusing fellow, Doctor."
"Oh, don't. Can you just stop! You'll give yourself a hernia."
*Time skip*
*Spaceship*
The Doctor and Robin come up some steps free of their chains, followed by me. The Doctor spots a metal doorway. He and I go through it. The area is long, spartan and metal with a glowing hemisphere on a console at the end.
"At last. Something real. No more fairy tales" the Doctor says.
"What is this place?" Robin asks.
"A spaceship. More twenty-ninth century than twelfth. Data banks, data banks, data banks. Where was this ship headed?" I muttered to myself as I look at the screen "the Promised Land again. Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated. It disguised itself as a twelfth-century castle. It merges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no one notices. That explains the robot knights. But the engines. The engines are damaged. They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence."
"I beg pardon?" Robin asks.
"I told you. It's too sunny. It's too green. And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals. This explains everything, even you" the Doctor says.
"It does?"
"Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope. Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility, and keep them working. Ship's data banks. Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including Robin Hood" the data bank displays various book illustrations and a photograph shows Robin Hood "Isn't it time you came clean with us? You're not real and you know it. Look at you. Perfect eyes, perfect teeth. Nobody has a jawline like that. You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights. You're a robot."
"You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff?" Robin asks.
"I dare."
"You false-tongued knave. I should have skewered you when I had the chance."
"I would like to see you try" the metal door is blown inwards by lasers "oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah" the Sheriff enters with Clara and knights.
"Surrender, outlaw."
"Very good."
"Kill him. Kill Robin Hood."
"You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff."
"Doctor? Seer?" Clara asks.
"He is not what you think he is. This is all play-acting" the Doctor replies, I pull Robin back.
"We can't just let them kill him!" Clara says.
"You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff" a blast from a knight knocks Robin off his feet. Clara and I get between Robin and the attacker. Robin grabs Clara around the waist and they back up to a window.
"What the hell are you doing?" Clara asks.
"Surviving."
"No!" Robin falls backwards through the window, taking Clara with him.
"No!" the Doctor shouts.
"Clara!" I shout, Robin and Clara land in the water. The full moon is reflected in the rippling water.
"Yeah, sorry about the girl. Such a pretty thing. What a queen she would have made" the Sheriff says he turns away. The Doctor and I see Robin climb out of the other side of the moat with Clara in his arms.
"Stop pretending. You and your fancy robots. We get it. We understand" the Doctor says.
"Oh, so you too know my plans?"
"You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth. Gold. Gold. Of course. Gold. You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry" I say.
"This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised. Soon this skyship will depart. Destination, London. There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptred isle."
"It won't work. There's not a chance. We've seen the instruments. There's been too much damage. You are stoking up a gigantic bomb!" I say.
"Shush" two knights knock out the Doctor and I out.
*Castle*
"Engine capacity at forty eight percent" Knights carry a gold circuit board away. The Doctor wakes up, I am above him a small smile on my face.
"I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up."
"Engine capacity at forty-eight percent."
"It's not enough. That's not enough. It'll never make orbit" the Doctor says, amongst the wails and groans of downtrodden humanity there is a mechanical thumping.
"That's the engines, building in power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff" I mutter, the Doctor strains at the chains holding his wrists behind his back.
"Argh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid things. What are you looking at?" the Doctor asks looking at a woman.
"I think I understand you. The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something" the woman says.
"That's the principle. But he's a moron. If he tries to fly this ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country" the Doctor replies.
"What we need is a little riot. Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word" the woman frees us.
"You are both fit for labour. Stand aside while these peasant units are freed."
"I'm afraid you're a little late," the Doctor says.
"Explain."
"We're already free!" I say, the knight powers up his violet beam. The Doctor reflects it with a golden plate and it hits the wall. The woman produces another plate and this time it is bounced straight back at the knight. Its head explodes. More knights come, but all the workers have plates for shields.
*Time skip*
People are screaming and dying, but so are the knights.
"Everyone, the last one!" I point towards a knight, It is surrounded by reflective surfaces. Its violet energy beam bounces around a lot until it finally returns and makes the knight explode.
"Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out. Quickly!" the Doctor says.
"You've both saved us all, clever ones" the women kisses the two of us on the cheek "thank you. "
"Engine capacity at eighty-two percent."
"You both are indeed ingenious fellows, Doctor, Seer. But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me?" the Sheriff asks.
"We rather think you're the revolting one around here. I'm bantering. I'm bantering. Listen to me. You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England" I say.
"Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent."
"You pudding-headed primitive shut down the engines. What you're doing will alter the course of history."
"I sincerely hope so, or I wouldn't be bothering" the Sheriff throws a knight's head into the crucible.
"Listen to us. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to us and I'll do what we can" the Doctor says.
"I don't have Clara."
"Robin's one of yours."
"What did you say?"
"He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here."
"Robin Hood is not one of mine."
"Of course, he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates."
"Why would they do that?"
"To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses."
"Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea."
"Yes! Yes, it would. Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea. Why would you do that? But he can't be. He's not real. He's a legend!"
"Too kind! And this legend does not come alone" they all look up to see Robin and Clara.
"Hiya!" Clara greets, Robin sticks his dagger into a wall hanging and slides down with Clara holding on to him.
"You all right?" Robin asks.
"Hell, yeah" Clara replies.
"Good. My men have taken the castle."
"No!" the Sheriff shouts.
"Now I'm going to take you."
"This one's all mine" the two knights guarding the Sheriff are deactivated by the amulet hanging around his neck
"what do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning?"
"Oh, yes" Robin and the Sheriff prepare to sword-fight.
"Are you ok?" I ask looking at Clara.
"Fine, yeah."
"Good. We don't have long" the Doctor says, the keep is rumbling and shaking.
"I shall avenge every slight, outlaw," the Sheriff says.
"Doctor, Seer," Clara says.
"We know. The whole castle's about to blow" the Doctor says.
"You have long been a thorn in my side," the Sheriff says.
"Well, everyone should have a hobby. Mine's annoying you" Robin replies.
"I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset."
"Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime" Robin cuts a rope and flies on it up to a cross-beam.
"I'm too much for you, outlaw. The first of a new breed. Half man, half engine" the Sheriff also does what Robin did and they continue the fight up on the beam "never ageing. Never tiring."
"Are you still talking?" the Sheriff cuts Robin's arm and he drops his sword. Then he opens his arms.
"Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!" the Sheriff comes at Robin, who turns so they are back to back then kicks the back of the Sheriff's knee "argh!" the Sheriff falls into the crucible. Robin descends to the ground by rope again.
"Sorry. Was that, er, was that showing off?" Robin asks.
"That was amazing" Clara replies, the castle shakes.
"Run! Come on, run!" I say, everyone runs.
*Time skip*
*Castle grounds*
From across the moat, everyone watches as the masonry falls and the spaceship takes off.
"It's never going to make it. Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit. Where is it? Where did it go?" the Doctor asks.
"Where did what go?" Clara asks.
"The golden arrow" I say.
"Tuck!" Robin says.
"You took it?" the Doctor asks.
"Of course, we did. We're robbers" Tuck replies.
"I love you boys," the Doctor says.
"Doctor, what are you suggesting?"
"Golden arrow. It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way" I say, the Doctor offers Robin the bow and arrow.
"No, it has to be you. My arm is injured" but the Doctor can't even get the arrow onto the bowstring.
"You're good at this. I saw you. You won the tournament" Clara says.
"He cheated. He made a special arrow with a homing device" I say.
"Oh, brilliant. Right, let me have a go."
"You? You do Tae Kwon Do. That's not the same thing as this" the Doctor says.
"My friends. Surely, we can manage it together?" Robin says, a short time later the Doctor, Clara and I hold each end of the bow while Robin braces it with his foot. He pulls back the bowstring and releases the golden arrow. It hits the spaceship and it explodes, the watching crowd cheers.
"One awful day in Nottingham, Brave Robin Hood was in a jam. The arrow flew it true" Alan's lute is snatched from him.
"Give it a rest, Alan," Will says.
"Give me my lute!"
"Still not keen on the laughing thing?" Clara asks.
"No, no, no, no," the Doctor says as, Clara and Robin laugh, I chuckle.
*Time skip*
Robin gives Clara a personal archery lesson.
"Woo-hoo! I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty" Clara says.
"Oh, I know. Whoever he is, he is a very lucky man" Robin replies.
"Marian is very lucky, too."
"I fear not."
"Don't give up. Not ever. Not for one single day" Clara kisses his cheek.
"Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing."
"Hmm."
"Goodbye, Robin Hood."
"Goodbye, Clara Oswald" Clara winks at him, then goes into the TARDIS.
"So, is it true, Doctor?"
"Is what true?"
"That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?"
"I'm afraid it is."
"Hmm. Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly."
"I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid."
"Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear..."
"No."
"Until one night he and his wife are moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight. Clara told me both your stories"
"She should not have told you any of that," the Doctor says.
"Well. Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are both her heroes, I think."
"We're not heroes."
"Well, neither am I. But if we keep pretending to be. Ha-ha! Perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end" Robin and the Doctor shake hands.
"Goodbye, Doctor, Seer, Time Lords of Gallifrey."
"Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley" I say.
"And remember, Doctor. I'm just as real as you are" the Doctor and I enter the TARDIS.
"Admit it. You like him" Clara says to the Doctor.
"Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I?" outside, Robin looks at a woman's portrait in a locket around his neck, as the TARDIS dematerialises to reveal that same young woman has been standing behind it.
"Robin? I've found you at last."
"Marian? Thank you. Thank you, Doctor, and Seer!" he fires an arrow in the air "Ha-ha-ha!"