Frank followed me as I led him into a cut-through in the field just about as well as my legs could carry me. Apparently you don't know quite how drunk you are until you sprint full speed and stop to catch your breath. Not that Frank cared- he pulled a small flask out of his front jacket pocket before I could finish my sentence.
I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. Something about that night made it feel like time was standing still- like I could tell someone every little thing, and when it resumed, no one would remember a word because it never even happened in the first place. A secret bubble in which I could be a different person without a consequence, or a response. I could just be. I couldn't think in that moment of a more pleasant place to be in.
But still, I was merely myself, and I could never do something quite that simple. That thought did still pang now and again as it always did, however this time it was a little softer, a little less frequent. Cushioned by whiskey.
"You really are full of surprises tonight," Frank said, handing his flask over to me.
"What's in it?"
"It will make you drunk all the same."
I looked over my shoulder as we continued walking, Frank chuckling as I took it out of his hand. I made a face as I took a small sip and quickly handed it back to him, still not used to the taste of strong alcohol regardless of how much I likely had earlier in the night. I was surprised at how few questions Frank asked about where we were going, or what we were doing. It seemed anything that fractured my typical characteristics no matter how small, he managed to pick up on- and my actions in that moment were a clean break.
"So," I spoke up, unsure of how confident I was in actually leading a conversation for once. "I didn't get a chance to ask you if everything was okay with... you know-"
"Oh," Frank laughed, taking a swig. "Yeah. I'm not worried about that."
"Gerard seems to have quite the distaste for her."
"He's my best friend. He would be an asshole if he didn't."
I looked down as I continued walking, not wanting to pry. For some reason I was incredibly curious about the situation. Perhaps because I hardly ever encountered human conflict outside of books- but maybe I just kind of selfishly wanted to know, too. Still, I remained silent.
"People just fuck you over, you know?" Frank continued, unprompted. "And it's so easy to fall for it sometimes. I learned that the hard way. Well, I learn most things the hard way."
"We're still in high school, Frank. It's supposed to be that way," I said, almost counter intuitive to my own reality. I spent my entire life up until then trying to learn from my father's mistakes as opposed to my own.
"It doesn't make it any easier. At least when it comes to people. They all say something, and mean something else. Life is too much fun to care about any of that bullshit," He said, motioning the flask to me again. "That's why I like you, Mae. You might want to kill me most of the time, but at least you tell me."
My eyes widened at what he said, suddenly feeling a little guilty. Although I didn't owe it to anyone, I wasn't honest with Frank about particularly anything. I wasn't sure what he thought he knew about me, but whatever it was, it likely didn't tickle the surface. Lying about my life didn't seem to bother me until that very second, and I couldn't explain why. Something about what he said regarding people saying things and meaning something else struck a deep chord I didn't know I had- perhaps because I felt the same way.
I said nothing and took the flask from him as we stopped, taking the biggest gulp I could without appearing conspicuous. Luckily we arrived at the wooden bridge that held up the train tracks, and it was a good enough excuse to cease the conversation before I lost control of it.
I handed the flask back to him and looked up at the bridge, the same familiar tingle vibrating through my body that I got every time I approached it. For a short moment I forgot Frank was even there as I walked closer toward a beam, running my hands down the decrepit wood that flaked off at the touch.
"What are we doing?" Frank finally asked.
I realized that I would have to come up with an explanation to all of it, something I didn't think of when I first had the thought of taking him there. Looking up at the tracks above me, it was the closest I had ever been to shilling out the truth. On any normal day it sounded like a terrible nightmare to have someone know everything about me, but right then it sounded like a dream. For once the idea of relief passed me by, instead of strife. For once I recognized that maybe harboring all of it was too much.
I looked at Frank with glossy eyes, studying his face for a moment- and I could have laughed when I thought about of all places i'd think to end up, the last would be with him.
Just let yourself have tonight, I thought in my drunken stupor. Tomorrow has to go back to normal.
I remained stoic and turned to the beam, beginning to use the same screw supports I always used to begin climbing upward. The bridge itself wasn't all that high- short enough to climb up in a minute, but tall enough to make you question your decision when you got the gull to look down once you make it all the way up. Frank followed me up the same beam without a word.
I made it up to the diagonal support beam right below the tracks, scooting over as much as I could to allow Frank room to prop up beside me. He grunted as he made it up the last footing, balancing as he craned his left arm around me to grab a hold of the other side of the beam.
My heartbeat began to quicken in anticipation. It was strange that no matter how many times I went trestling, it still brought the same kind of excitement as if it were my first time.
I looked over at Frank, the moonlight hitting half of his face. His expression was serene, despite how little he knew about what we were doing. Perhaps it was the booze, but he seemed incredibly comfortable in just being there. It sort of brought me comfort, too. Like maybe he was just okay with not having answers, just as I was okay with not giving them. It felt good.
A low, nearly undetectable rumble bled into my fingertips as they rested on the wooden beams. I looked up again, my heart now pounding.
"Mae, I get that you like to climb, but I think a train might be coming," Frank finally broke the silence.
I ignored him and continued to look up and ahead as the vibrations grew, waiting for the only sound that brought me peace.
And it did come- the train's horn could be heard howling out in the distance, and I closed my eyes. I took it all in until it didn't even sound like a noise anymore, letting every tremor seep into my skin as if I was a part of the bridge. A bunch of blurred frequencies that had no home, bleeding into the rustle of trees and the shuffling of feet three blocks down as it pleased.
The horn moved closer now, the entire bridge beginning to shake.
"Mae, seriously, there's a train coming," Frank said again.
I let it rush closer as my breath grew quick, waiting for that perfect moment.
"Mae!"
The train wasn't far now as I looked at Frank and grabbed his free hand, thrusting it up along with mine through the space in the tracks and in the path of the train, the sound of steel on steel now drowning out anything else he may have been saying to me. I looked up and could see the headlights nearing, now considerably faster than they seemed to be a moment before.
In the mix of adrenaline as the train approached, I could feel his hand un-tense- and his fingers laced into mine.
The deafening horn blared overhead , the several-ton machine now only a few mere feet away. Everything that held the bridge together shook endlessly and my free hand gripped the beam as tightly as I could, waiting until it was as close as it could get.
The tip of the steel skirt finally hovered over the first plank and we both dove our hands back down to safety at the very last moment, the wheels pounding above our heads. The spaces between each train car let the moonlight through in flashes and I was in that illusion of tranquility again, the melancholy melting off of my body in waves.
The sparks bursting from the traction danced onto my cheeks and I couldn't help but crack a small smile at that fleeting feeling of being alive. Frank began happily howling suddenly as the train continued to bellow overhead, and I looked at him for a split second and laughed before looking back up again and howling along with him, our voices barely audible over the noise. We could scream as loud as we wanted to and no one could hear us.
I craned my head back and let those final moments bleed in, and I prayed I wouldn't forget them by the morning.
The closer the train came to fully passing, the closer my own reality crept upon me once again. I did think about the morning, and what it would bring. It wouldn't bring anything but silence now, and I think that was the moment I actually understood that Beth was gone. I really was alone now.
My eyes welled with tears as I opened them again, my hair whipping against my neck from the wind the train caused. Maybe I didn't want to go back to real life, and maybe I wanted one with people in it- people that cared about me. Maybe I didn't want anything at all. The only thing I knew I wanted for sure was for the cars to keep going until I couldn't see straight.
And through all of it, until the caboose finally passed, the adrenaline escaped me, and silence fell over us again- Frank never quite got the chance to let go of my hand.
.
Author's Note:
Hi guys- I just wanted to quickly address that the world is a bit scary right now, and if your country is affected by the virus, you and your family are very much in my thoughts. I'll do my best to use this free time to get out a few more chapters soon in hopes that it may be a welcomed distraction for those of you that are self-quarantining, or just plain feeling bored and lonely. Remember to try your best to exercise your creativity in your free time, and remain as safe and happy as you can muster. Staying healthy both mentally and physically is a big challenge during times like these. Sending love your way.
XO