Josh slowly started to lose track of time the longer he stewed over himself and Tyler. He would lay in his bed with the eyes of his teenage heroes staring at him, their eyes burning holes into his conscience. He felt guilty for blocking Tyler out like this, but he just couldn't face him.
He wasn't necessarily scared of Tyler, but more or so afraid of what he could become. He has seen what addiction had done to his parents, he'd seen them choose drugs over their own children. So who was to stop Tyler from forgetting about some random guy he spent a couple days with and had sex with only once?
Josh had spent hours on his phone, supposedly reconnecting with the world after his break. Truly, he was desperate to find something to look at that wasn't his posters since leaving his room felt catastrophic at this time. He went onto his favourite news page to catch up with the world around him, but as he stared at the front page it felt like his world was falling apart once more.
In the past week where Josh had been working on overdrive to make up for the two weeks, he was gone and feeling too sorry for himself to do anything else, Tyler had managed to make headlines in their local news.
After reading the headlines, Josh only felt exceptionally worse.
"Star Tyler Joseph spotted entering ex-girlfriend Jenna Black's home this morning with hints of another fling." Josh read aloud.
As much as he didn't believe it, the more he read the more it seemed true. He didn't know that Jenna and Tyler dated, and apparently it wasn't just a summer fling either. Josh felt sick to his stomach, he should have seen this coming. The guy was Christian, like he would turn gay just for some guy he took to New Jersey.
Josh felt exceptionally worse when he realised that it was in fact a Tuesday, the one day where he would have to face both of them. To say Josh was dreading work would be an understatement as he began to get ready, forcing himself to go clean up his appearance first. To the outside world, Josh was fine and that was the way it was going to stay.
So, he stepped into the cafe with a brave face on. Today was going to be just like any other working day, and Josh would be damned if he let some fling of his ruin that. When he got there Tyler and Ryan were already seated, the bad mood surrounding their table like a fog. The first thing Josh noticed was not how sickly Tyler looked, but the fact that he no longer wore Josh's hoodie.
Tyler was dressed in his usual Tuesday attire, and while it hid his appearance it did not hide his oddly pale skin and sunken cheeks. Still, as Josh watched Jenna stalk passed him and over to the pair's table, all pity he had was gone. He noticed the way that she leaned in close to Tyler, the way she lingered for so long and of course the way she gently kissed the top of his head.
Josh tried to ignore the fact that his suspicions were confirmed, that he was just an experiment to Tyler. The young boy was no stranger to the no-strings-attached lifestyle, but he finally felt like he had something good with Tyler. He knew how selfish he was being, being mad at Tyler when the boy was obviously struggling but for once in his life, Josh didn't care. He was sick of obsessing over someone that obviously didn't care about him and with that thought, Josh had a plan.
Work droned on endlessly until Josh got his break, going into the crew room and digging his phone out of his pocket quickly. He had added this number out of pity and pity was all he felt for himself as he sent the message.
'Hey, this is Josh'
'Who?'
'I got you kicked out of a concert. Soz abt that'
As the conversation went on passed the awkward introduction, Josh found out that though Tori (the name he learnt during the conversation) was from Columbus too, she didn't live there anymore. She had gone to the concert with a friend from school in hopes of reliving their adolescence in the all too familiar basement. Tori actually lived pretty close to LA, finishing college on the edge of town.
Josh went back to working with a new hope, blocking out Ryan and Tyler's conversations as he did his job. Although he still couldn't ignore the glances that Ryan and Tyler gave him, obviously giving away that they were talking about him. Josh just rolled his eyes.
"Hey Josh, can you run this to table eleven?" Jenna asked with a cheerful smile, holding out a coffee for him to take.
"Of course." Josh hummed, taking it and going over.
Ryan and Tyler went silent just as Josh appeared at their table, looking away from him like guilty school kids. He would be lying if he said it didn't hurt, but Josh just had to do his job.
"The soy flat white?" He asks gently, holding the mug over the table and waiting to be told where to put it.
"Mine, that's mine, Joshua." Tyler spoke up shyly. Josh just placed the coffee down, smiling lightly. "Are you two waiting on anything else?"
"No, that's all. Thank you Josh." Ryan spoke quietly but smoothly.
Josh just nods, starting to walk off.
"Wait! Josh, I think I should give this back." Tyler spoke loudly, then quietly when he remembered where they were.
"Oh? Is everything alright?" Josh asked, turning around on his heels.
He stood up from his seat and held out Josh's hoodie which was folded neatly, he seemed willing to give it away, but his knuckles were white around the fabric and his mouth was turned down in a hurt frown.
Josh smiled gently, shaking his head. He could see how much Tyler wanted to hold onto it and secretly, he wanted Tyler to keep it too. "I don't know what you're talking about." He said softly before going off to do his job.
Tyler stood still with his hands still outstretched for a moment later before he quickly crumpled back into his pile of pillows. Ryan stared at him across the table with eyes wide in genuine shock. "What was that?" Ryan asked quietly.
"I have no idea, Ry. Aren't you meant to understand all this?" Tyler mumbled, hugging the hoodie to his chest.
Ryan may have known more than he let on but he just shrugged. "I don't know what goes on in that boy's head."
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn't over
And I hope you blink before I do
And I hope I never get sober
The Mountain Goats, No Children
Josh had only been home long enough to get changed into a nice outfit before he was sat in a taxi driving towards the edge of town.
In retrospect, Josh knew this was a bad idea but this was how he coped. Of course, it was a bad habit, having sex with kind strangers whenever he felt like he needed it, but it was better than some people's bad habits and that's what had Josh always coming back for more.
He stood outside the thin townhouse, staring up at its slender frame while his breath struggled in his throat. Josh checked the address in his messages before nodding to himself, walking up and knocking firmly on the door.
Tori greeted him in a tight, black dress with a red-lipped smile. "How're you gonna get me kicked out of my own house?" She teased, taking his hand gently.
"Oh, you know, I have my ways." Josh grinned, following her.
Tori took him into her home like a moth drawn to her flame, leading him into her lounge room and sitting him on the couch where a bottle of wine and two glasses sat waiting on the coffee table. Tori sat hip-to-hip with him and crossed one of her legs over the other, her smooth leg resting lightly against his own.
Although Josh would tell everyone that he was straight-edge, he couldn't remember the last time he had actually turned down a drink. So of course, when Tori handed him a glass he thanked her and took a sip. The night continued on with bright smiles, wandering eyes and lingering hands as the pair slowly worked through the bottle of wine. They weren't all that drunk, but enough that Josh felt warm inside and found comfort in moving his hand higher up Tori's thigh.
It didn't take long for the pair to be falling all over each other, giggling as wandering hands turned into fistfuls of shirts and desperate touches. Tori was surprised by the way Josh pushed her down onto the couch, hands on her wrists as his mouth explored the skin on her neck, she was even curious if this actually was the same guy from the show who's gotten her kicked out for flirting.
"Is this okay?" Josh asked in a hushed voice, his calloused fingers pushing her dress up her thigh as his hand dared to go higher.
"Yes, yes- fuck yes." Tori moaned, her back arching off of the couch.
As much as it felt wrong for Josh to be with a girl like Tori instead of Tyler or Brendon, there was something about the way she crumbled beneath him that made his heart race. Josh rarely slept with women, and sometimes he found himself forgetting what it was like. While he did sleep with men more often, nothing could compare to the delicate form of a girl like Tori. Even though she was intimidating when he'd first met her, even then he could deny that her blonde hair, dark eye shadow, combat boots and overall punk aesthetic was attractive.
Tori only seemed to get more and more lewd as Josh worked her up with his fingers and Josh was beginning to find her irresistible. He continued until Tori let out a soft gasp of "I'm ready."
"Ya got any rubbers?" Josh hummed, hovering over her gentle body and slowly lifting up her dress to admire her red and black lingerie.
And I hope when you think of me years down the line
You can't find one good thing to say
And I'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You'd stay the hell out of my way
The Mountain Goats, No Children
To say Josh felt horrible when he was sat back in a cab was an understatement. He was unsure of why he felt so bad, considering the fact that he never put so much thought into sex. But now, as Josh stared out the window at the same view of the city he'd seen in the last 4 trips he was stuck thinking about how much he was leading Tori on and how he wouldn't bat an eyelash overdoing it again. After all, he already had too many times.
Josh knew that he was being cruel to not only Tori, but Tyler as well. He had made no effort to contact Tyler or Ryan since Tyler had confided in him over his drug problem but Josh felt that it was too late to even apologise to the other man or maybe he was just scared. So instead he would sink back into his and Brendon's home like slime, avoiding his friend as he silently took refuge in his bedroom. But still, even in the comfort of his bed, Tyler's gaze would never give him solitude, the posters would stare Josh down and wordlessly remind him of what he was doing, who was hurting. The saddest part was that Josh still couldn't bring himself to tear them down, because no matter how much they hurt him, he knew that he deserved it.
With Brendon probably mad at him, and Tyler hid away in his tomb, Ryan found himself lonely in a way which he hadn't experienced in months. He was angry at Josh more than he had been before, because the guy had disappeared off the map straight after Tyler had told him his biggest secret. Ryan didn't doubt that Tyler's confession to Josh hadn't gone smoothly, even Ryan was pretty shocked when he'd first seen Tyler's growing addiction years ago. But that did not give Josh the excuse to leave the musician in the dust like he was some junkie trash.
"God fucking damn it." Ryan scoffed, kicking a pillow which lay on the floor beside his couch. The more he thought about Josh and the damage he had caused, the angrier and more helpless he felt. He'd decided that he was going to give Tyler space to work things out alone but then he just felt stupid, cause when could Tyler ever work things out on his own that was healthy?
Ryan stormed out of his apartment building and out onto the streets with a look that could kill, impatiently waiting on the curb until a taxi cab stopped for him. He didn't bother to call Tyler and let him know that he was coming over, because he knew that Tyler wouldn't pick up the phone, neither would Josh, or Brendon. Ryan didn't even mutter a thanks to the driver as he paid him and stepped out onto Tyler's curb. He plugged in the code as aggressively as he could and slipped through the gate, marching up to Tyler's front door with a key in hand, there were only two keys to unlock Tyler's door and Ryan treasured it more than his own apartment key.
Ryan quietly crept into Tyler's large house, gawking when he noticed that it was nothing like how it usually was. It was as if the place had been ransacked and for a second, Ryan really was scared that Tyler had been robbed, but then decided that Tyler was the type of person to get destructive when he was upset.
"Tyler?" He called, nervously slowly making his way up the stairs towards his bedroom. When Ryan reached Tyler's room, the smell of alcohol was almost overpowering and he was glad to find that the writer wasn't there because the smell was probably equal to mustard gas. So instead Ryan made his way to the second most likely place he'd find Tyler, which was up the spiral staircase in the wall.
Sure enough, when Ryan made it up there he noticed the figure huddled in the corner, and his heart ached for his friend.
"Tyler, buddy, you okay?" He asked tenderly, even though he knew that he was far from it.
Tyler made no attempt to respond, looking up at Ryan in a daze.
"Ty, what's up?" Ryan asked once more, going to kneel in front of him.
"What isn't up, RyRo?" Tyler mumbled, gazing straight over Ryan's shoulder.
Ryan just sighed, standing up once more and going to draw open the blinds, alongside cracking open the window. "What's this?" He asked, not expecting a reply as Ryan looked down at the desk where Tyler's notebook laid open on an unfamiliar page.
"My undoubting hate and regret towards myself and my actions."
"Oh, chill." Ryan shrugged, reading over the page and looking down at Tyler once more. "Bro."
"I think I'll name it Anathema." Tyler added, still gazing towards the window with his pupils blown wide from intoxication.
"What does that mean then?" The older boy hummed, sitting down at Tyler's desk.
"It's both a strong curse of blasphemy and hate towards someone or something." Tyler explained, his words slow and unfamiliar. Ryan frowned at the explanation.
"Okay, buddy. Let's get you into the bath." Ryan decided, scooping Tyler up under the armpits and helping him to his feet.
Tyler was a lot more wasted than Ryan initially thought as he dragged Tyler's dead weight down the stairs and back to the master bedroom, holding his breath as he carried him through the hazardous space. Thankfully the bathroom didn't smell half as bad as the bedroom and Ryan awkwardly sat him in the shower while he ran a bath.
"Ty, how're you feeling on a scale of 1-10? 4 being that you can bathe on your own." Ryan asked, the two were close, but Ryan was not in the mood to strip his friend's clothes off and bathe him like a toddler.
Tyler only grunted in response before his head rolled back and thumped onto the wall, Ryan just groaned and shuffled over to him.
"Arms up." Ryan sighed, waiting for Tyler to comply before pulling the hoodie up off of Tyler. "Isn't this the one from brunch?"
"Fuck off, Ryro." Tyler responded stiffly.
"Since when did you even listen to Death Cab? That's so not you." Ryan continued, cringing at the stiff patches in the fabric from what was obviously dried liquor.
"Joshua likes them." Tyler explained in slurs.
"He's an asshole, Ty. This is supposed to be you-time." Ryan tried, slowly.
"I tried-" Tyler hiccupped. "To give it back. He's so stupid."
"I know, I know that you tried. Help me get you up." Ryan said, lifting Tyler up as he worked off his boxers, his eyes moving to look at the wall. He'd seen Tyler naked more than once, but it still made him uncomfortable, especially when he was in a state like this.
"He's so fucking- I hate his guts! His stupid fuckin' face, stupid hoodie. He just fucking smiled at me! It was so humiliating-" Tyler sucked in some air. "Everyone probably thought I was so stupid!"
"Tyler, no one saw you." Ryan reassured him as he lifted him up to a standing position and helped him to the bath.
"I'm so fucking- fucking- sick of people looking at me! Like what the fuck am I doing? I can't fucking-" Ryan interrupted Tyler quickly, "watch your step."
Tyler stepped into the tub slowly, sitting down with his knees pulled up to his chest. "I don't need to look after myself, I want to look different already!"
Ryan ignored his friend's rambles, he cared about him, but he knew that what he was saying was just the fault of his drunken state.
"Stop thinking about that right now. Just take a deep breath." Ryan spoke quietly, slowly leaning Tyler back in the tub.
Tyler just did as he was told, too tired to do anything else. Ryan was thankfully for the silence as he soothed shampoo through Tyler's hair and mixed soap into the water, doing his best to soothe him in his intoxicated state.
Ryan's heart truly ached for his friend, especially now with his hair pushed back he could see how sunken his cheeks were and how yellow his skin was. Tyler had always been thin, but now Ryan could see the way that his ribs jutted out and the skin clung to his shoulders.
"Ty, when was the last time you ate?" Ryan asked, sitting back for a second.
Tyler shrugged.
Ryan sighed. "I'm gonna go get you something to eat, don't drown while I'm gone."
Ryan was hesitant to leave Tyler alone, but in the end, he left to scour the kitchen until he found something edible. "Ty, can you eat breadsticks and orange juice?" He called up the stairs to Tyler.
"Yeah!" Tyler called back, playing with the water absentmindedly.
Ryan felt his phone buzz in his pocket as he made his way back to Tyler, sitting next to the tub after setting the box of breadsticks and a carton of juice beside Tyler. The drunk boy dug in sluggishly and Ryan seriously wondered when the last time he ate was while he slipped his phone out of his pocket and opened twitter.
To say he was shocked was an understatement as he read the headline of their local news. Ryan scowled at his phone, huffing in dismay.
"What's up?" Tyler asked after noticing Ryan's expression and tried to lean over the bathtub to see.
Ryan quickly pulled his phone away, looking at Tyler with an unreadable look that scared the boy no matter how intoxicated he was.
"What is it? Show me." He rushed out before jerking forward and snatching Ryan's phone from his hands.
"No!" Ryan cried but Tyler had already seen the headline.
"Joshua Dun, Famous Journalist of The LA Scene, Seen Leaving Woman's Home After Hookup." He read aloud.
There were few times that Tyler could feel his life caving in on itself in such a short span of time. But as he scrolled down to look at the photos of a dishevelled Josh leaving a home while a woman wrapped in a blanket stood in the doorway, he could feel his heart being tugged in every direction until it was pulled apart into tiny pieces.
Tyler handed Ryan his phone back quietly before submerging himself backwards into the bathwater until he had disappeared underneath the bubbles. Ryan cried out as he dove forward, grabbing Tyler by the shoulders and struggling to pull him out of the water.
"God, let me drown!" He yelled, throwing himself around in an attempt to free himself from Ryan's hold.
Ryan only pulled the soaking boy into his chest, hugging him tightly, no matter how much he screamed to be let go. Ryan could feel Tyler's pain radiating off of his sickly skin and his heart hurt nearly as much as his friend's. Finally, Tyler stopped struggling and fell limp against Ryan, sobbing into his drenched shirt and clinging to the fabric.
"I gave him everything, Ryan! Why am I not good enough?" Tyler wailed, his tears hot against his face.
Ryan took a deep breath, holding Tyler as tight as he could. "I'm sorry Ty." He offered, unsure of how to comfort the boy with his words.
"I knew the risks, God I'm so stupid!" Tyler looked up at Ryan with desperation the other had never seen before. "I had sex with him, Ryan. I gave up my religion for him."
He felt the blood boil in his veins. "He's not worth it, Ty. I'm so sorry." Ryan mumbled before picking up a breadstick. "C'mon Ty, lets sober you up so you can deal with it... differently..." He held it against Tyler's lips. Tyler took painstakingly slow bites, tears still pushing their way over his cheeks, nodding to Ryan and speaking with his mouth full. "It's good."
"Yeah." The older boy smiled gently, glad that Tyler was thinking about something else for now.
Tyler looked outright miserable as he sat on the tiles beside the bath, chewing on a breadstick as he sniffled softly and made no effort to wipe away the tears that still streaked down his cheeks.
"Josh was right, wasn't he?" Tyler asked, looking up at Ryan. "I am just a soulless junkie."
Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of the truth behind Tyler's words. "No, Tyler, you're not. I don't wanna hear you say that about yourself."
"Look!" Tyler raised his arm up and shoved his forearm into Ryan's face so that he could see the track marks. "Gosh, Joshua was so disgusted when he saw them." Tyler laughed breathily as he ran a hand through his hair.
"Tyler, we're not talking about this unless you're sober." Ryan said sternly, taking ahold of Tyler's arm gently.
Tyler looked at Ryan with a desperate glint in his eyes. "I'm tired, Ryan. I'm hungry and everything hurts, I'm sick of being high."
Ryan frowned gently. "I know, Ty. Please let me take care of you for now." He sighed softly, getting up and grabbing the boy a towel.
Tyler accepted the towel gratefully and wrapped it around his shoulders, still looking distressed. "Do you think Jenna would come over if you asked?"
"Of course, Tyler. Of course."
--
Hey, it's me. This chapter took ages to publish even though we have chapters up to 14 already prewritten but it can be hard to find time to sit down and edit. This also includes writing, because in case you missed it, I am co-writing this story with Stomxchexches and most of the time we like to write at the same time, even though we don't go to the same school. Please be patient with updates, writing smut with your close friend is very difficult. Thanks, stay safe :)