January 2, 2000
Arique
It is o' dark thirty and I'm unable to fucking sleep, still. I told Delontae that I needed to be by myself for a little while, so he went over to Joshua's place. This was around six or seven pm. I've been up all night debating whether or not I should tell him about what Ericka did. I want to let him know, but I don't want anything bad to happen to my sister.
I know the answer may seem simple for most; tell him the truth. But, I just can't do that without thinking about what may happen to my family. I have known Ericka my entire life, we share the same blood, grew up together, we're siblings. I don't want nothing bad happening to her. Especially over a man that is rightfully hers, no matter who loves who. I am in the wrong. How will I be able to rightfully mourn her death, comfort my family as they mourn her if something terrible happens?
This shit is not that fucking simple bro, and I'm annoyed that I'm practically caught in the middle of the situation. I should have stuck with my first mind and left him alone. This entire ordeal is fucked up and frustrating.
Don't get me wrong, I love Delontae more than I've ever loved anyone, or anything. I just wish we'd met and fell in love under different circumstances. The thing that is bothering me the most is loyalty. I find it hard to be disloyal. So to whom do I owe the most loyalty? Delontae? Ericka? Myself? I don't know what to do, and I feel like my thoughts are in a loop.
Knocking on my front door brings me out of my thoughts for a short while. Who comes to somebody else's place at this time of night? This is booty call hours. I look through the peephole to see it's KiKi, so I open up for her. "What's good? Why you here so late?" I ask her stepping aside for her to come in.
"Them nigga's at Josh's place cutting up." She comes to sit on my couch. "I figured you'd be up, Smutt was telling us what happened at his crib earlier."
I exhale deeply before I respond and join her in the couch. "Yeah man. Ericka was spazzin' on us."
"Y'all told her about y'all?"
"Hell naw. But I guess with me defending Delontae she figured some shit out."
"Defending him how?" She looks confused.
Now I'm debating on whether or not I want to vent to KiKi. I feel like she is trustworthy. But first...
"Why you said you don't tell Bookie your business?"
She chuckles, " I didn't say why, I just said I don't." I deadpan her which makes her laugh. "Okay, Oscar the Grouch," her hands raise in mock surrender. "I used to tell her everything, because she's my closest friend. But, one time, she was tryna fuck Josh, and this was after I told her how much I was feeling him. Now when he first told me, I wasn't too fucked up about it because my nigga is fine as fuck. Plus his dick is everything. So, I thought it was my fault for bragging about how good his dick is.
What threw me for a loop, was when she started tryna throw me under the bus to fuck him. She was telling him about how I used to live the low life, and a bunch of other shit we did together. I wasn't ashamed about it too much, eventually I was gonna tell Josh because I love the nigga. I wanted him and I to be best friends before anything. We stopped fucking around heavily because he was looking at me a little different. We still fucked here and there, even cuddled up and showed feelings every once in a while. When he thought I was finna settle down witchu he decided to stop playin'." She laughs shaking her head.
"Nigga's and flies." I shake my head and laugh with her. "So why still be cool with her if you feel like you can't trust her? Shit after what you jus' said, she ain't even tell you, Josh did. Why not jus' charge the friendship to the game and take your loss?"
"I love Ericka like a sister. I'm an only child and both my parents is locked up for the rest of my life. I just know not to trust her with certain shit. I learned early in our friendship that she'd do or say anything for a nigga. Nigga don't even have to be hers. I just thought the dynamics would change after I told her my feelings for Josh; plus she was head over heels for Smutt ass, but that didn't matter."
"So you basically in a friendship by yourself?" I question out of curiosity. Shit seem one-sided like a mother fucker. "Sound like she was your friend, but you were someone who kept her occupied."
"I could see why you say that. I'm just not no grimey bitch. We've stopped talking on more than one occasion, but I'm genuine. If I'm not mad no mo' I'm not faking like I am. I don't hold grudges. Since I know, you know about Weasel, I can tell you. But I could've been retaliated by either fucking Weasel, or telling Smutt about her fucking Weasel. Shit, I know Ericka as well as I know myself. But I can't move like her and she knows that. I'm a real bitch. I can't do her like she do me. I can't make myself tell her business the way she tried to do me to these nigga's. I have genuine love for her and thats what keeps me from doing it. That's why I still hang out with her, but my business is my business."
Damn. "KiKi, you the realest nigga I know. You know how many muh fucka's would have let skeletons fall out that damn closet?" I laugh half serious half joking. "Especially females?! Shit, if Josh don't work out for you and Delontae don't work out for me, I'm marrying you." She joins in on me laughing.
"Boy you stupid. But I'll take you up on that offer."
I feel a little bit more comfortable talking to her about it now. Even if she just ran game on me, I don't care at the moment because I need to talk to somebody about the situation. I run down the whole conversation Ericka and I had, trying not to miss anything so she'll know. By the end of if, we just sit in silence as I wait for her response. "So what do you think I should do in this situation? Should I tell Delontae, or just let it rock?"
"To be honest, I don't know what you should do. What do you feel like you should do? You're the one who has to live with your decision at the end of the day."
"Ugh, I don't know. I want to tell him, but I don't want nothing happening to my cousin." I pout.
"Don't pout, king. I understand if you want to tell him, I also understand if you don't. But I know that the decision is yours, and yours alone. Besides, Smutt is not dumb. I'm sure he's already put two and two together. I know for a fact that he wouldn't do anything to hurt his baby mother because he loves his kids. Well kid, I don't know if DeArique is his."
"None of us do, not even Bookie. She said she'd get a DNA test done so they'll know though."
"Shit, I wanna say the baby is Smutt's because he looks just like Smutt and Bugg, but you never know." She shrugs her shoulders. "But which are you leaning more towards, telling him, or not telling him?"
I wait for a little while to answer. After talking to KiKi about it and her telling me Delontae wouldn't hurt Ericka because of the kids they share, I'm leaning more towards telling him. "I wanna tell him more than I don't. Now that you've said something, I don't think he'd do anything to hurt the mother of his children."
"Tell him then." As soon as the says that Delontae walks through the front door.
"Tell who what?" He looks between the two of us. Then he focuses on KiKi, "Psych left and Josh big ass over there crying for you."
"I know his big ass not crying, stop tryna play with my man 'cause he loves me." She smirks standing up. "Aight tho, baby, lemme know if you needa talk anytime okay. I'm gone." I stand up to hug her before she goes.
"Thank you," I say to her. "I'll see you later." I squeeze her tighter.
"Aight nah, break that shit up." Delontae pulls me back.
"Look at your sprung ass. He proposed to me just so you know, Smutt. We getting married when you turn yourself in." She jokes with him, but winks at me.
"Girl gon' on. This nigga love me too much to leave me. Locked up or not." He turns me around to face him, "right baby?"
"Right, daddy." I smile at him.
"Wowwww, you fraud Arique." Kiki laughs out. "It's okay though because I know the real. Later y'all." She walks out after that.
"Fuck she talm 'bout you proposed, Poo?" Delontae raises a brow at me.
"I told her if you or Josh get to acting up, her and me gonna go somewhere and elope." I told him laughing.
"That shit sound good." He leans down to suck on my bottom lip. "You know I love you right?" He asks after pulling away.
"I know, I love you back." I peck his lips sweetly.
"I know," he sucks on my bottom lip some more.
"I gotta tell you something tho, bae." I tell him after he's had his fill.
He walks the both of us to the couch where he sits, but makes me straddle his lap, "shoot from the hip. I'm listening."
"Me and Ericka started arguing because she told me that she helped Weasel set you up." I hurry and blurt out before I can decide against telling him. "Please don't do anything to my sister."
"I wouldn't do anything to her, she's my sons mama." He assures me with a kiss. "You told her about us?"
"No, I didn't want to out you. She got mad because she felt like I was taking your side by me telling her what she did was fucked up."
"So how she come to the conclusion that you was gay?"
"She said she was talking to her mama, who always thought I was gay, and she told Ericka that she needs to watch me around you because I may try to turn you out."
"Well she was right," I punched him in his chest, he laughs rubbing the spot I hit. "Chill, I was playing." He tries to kiss me but I dodge it.
"That shit wasn't funny. If anything, you turned me out nigga." I try to get off of him, but he uses both of his arms to hold me in place.
"Chill, Poo. I was just playing." He is still smiling.
"That's not funny, I already feel fucked up as is." I tell him before pouting.
"I'm sorry, bae." He kisses my bottom lip. "I just thought the shit was funny since she guessed right. Well almost, I was the one hunting yo' ass down." He smirks.
I don't know why now, but all of a sudden I feel more fucked up than I have ever felt before about our situation. Maybe it's because I was clocked for doing it. I don't know. But now I don't feel right being with him like this. I try to get off of his lap. But, he does like before to keep me in place, "fa real, Delontae. Lemme up." He smacks his teeth, but still lets me get up.
"What's the matter?" He asks me grabbing my hand. I jerk my hand away, and put some distance between us on the couch.
"I don't think we should do this at all anymore." I say in a low voice with my head down.
It's silent for a while, making me look at him. The look on his face makes me want to cry, but this has to be done. We should've never started in the first place.
"You playing right?" He finally asks.
"No, I'm dead serious, Smutt. We shouldn't have ever even started fucking around."
"Look, bae, I know you feel fucked up for this situation we're in, but don't fuck up what we got man."
"She's not my cousin, she's my sister."
"I know that's how y'all grew up, bu-"
"She is my sister. Her mama fucked my daddy to get pregnant so we could be siblings. She is my sister, which is another reason I feel so fucked up."
He is quiet again for a short while, "how long y'all knew this?"
"I just found out today, but she's known since middle school. And before you ask, my mama don't know."
"Why does that shit matter now? After I told you I love you, after I took the wrap for your dope?" His voice gets a little hostile. "After all them times of you pouting and shit to get me back? What you wanted to break a nigga down?!" His voices raises slightly.
"I didn't ask you to do any of that shit, Delontae!" I yell back.
"Yo' ass ain't stop me either! At any damn point you could have yelled out to them laws and told them that was really yours! When we stopped fucking around for that month or more you could have let me fucking be! Did you though?!"
"So you really don't ride fa me?! You want to throw that shit in my face! You want me to go tell them that it was my dope?!"
"No! You dumb motha fucka! I LOVE your ass! I would do the shit again right today if I had to! But because you can't live with the decisions you and I both made, I gotta suffer in the shit by myself?! It's just fuck Smutt huh?! I'm in last place for everybody right?!" His eyes water, so he closes them to gather his thoughts. Seeing this made me start to cry. "Look baby, I'm sorry for yelling and shit. But please don't let this bump in the road deter us from our destination." His voice is soft and apologetic.
"I'm sorry, but I don't wanna cause a rift in my family." My tears poor down my face. He doesn't let his tears fall like I am.
"You know what, I'm used to shit like this. The only people I know won't just up and stop fucking with me is my seed and brothers. It's all good. It was nice while it lasted." One tear slides down his face, but he quickly wipes it away and stands up. "I love you, Arique. Take care of yourself." He walks for the front door.
"Wait!" I stop him and run up to him. "You can stay here, we can be together for these few hours before you have to turn yourself in." I hug his waist. Delontae returns the gesture making me look up at him. When I do, he leans his head down to kiss me. The kiss is so deep, I feel every emotion he feels in the kiss.
"Naw. This is over with for real this time. I love you, and I hope nothing but the best for you." He places one last kiss to my lips before removing the key to my place from his keyring, and walking out.
I start bawling my eyes out once he closes the door.
It had to be done, but I don't feel better about doing it. I feel worse than I've ever felt in my life. I should feel better for doing right by Ericka and respecting their relationship.
I feel like a complete fuck up.
************************************
January 2, 2000
Delontae
I have never been one to pity myself or feel sad about the cards I was dealt in life. Now, I feel like there is a reason I can't keep nobody around. I have no parents, my best friend turned on me for my gal, she left me, never really wanted me to begin with. Maybe I don't deserve to be loved. The only thing that most people are guaranteed in life—love from their mother—I didn't even get a chance to experience. But, the way I live, I knew my karma would come back on me eventually.
The low life isn't anything to play with. Rappers glamorize the drug game, the movie Scarface got everybody wanting to live like this. The Players Club got women wanting to make easy money like Diamond did. Nobody stops to think what this lifestyle really entails though. People say celebrities sell their souls to become famous, but I don't think they truly know what selling a soul means. If you live the low life, you've sold your soul.
People also think that money is the root to all things great, or great ruin. It's not. It's the love of money, when you become so obsessed with money that you'd do just about anything to make a dollar, is the root to all evil. Selling dope, robbing, stripping, prostituting, street gambling, boosting, finessing, killing; all low life means of income, a way to make a dollar that can't be taken with you. We all get our karma in some form or fashion living the low life. When you turn off your moral compass as a way to make paper, you've sold your soul.
I could have been stopped slanging cocaine. I should have been stopped slanging cocaine. But that guaranteed money, for penitentiary chances seemed worth it. On top of the fact that the deeper into you get, the harder it is to leave it. I'm definitely receiving my karma right now though. Sometimes it feels like I was just destined to live this low life though. Nobody does it as well as I do, I've always felt like a necessary evil. Until Arique broke my ass down though. I'm broke down. I don't feel worth a damn. Now I feel invisible, that sometimes turned into a permanent way of thinking. I'm meant for detriment.
I was never meant to be or have shit other than what I have now. I was never meant for people, but for things. I was never meant to be the object of someones affection, but to provide them with their desires of the world. I hope my son will always love me the way that I love him. I hope that he can feel the love that I used to crave (from anybody), from me. From his mother. I hope that I can direct him to be a better man than I am. I hope that I can live a good life, vicariously through him without pushing him to hate me.
I wish Arique would have left that other dope in my car. Sitting in jail that long would probably be good for me. It would be a confirmation that I'm not shit. It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Bullshit. It made me feel colder than I have ever felt before in my life. I know I'm a solid dude. I have street morals that I don't break for anyone. I have seen and done so many fucked up things in my life, but I don't think that anything could really amount to this. I wasn't meant to be loved.
Even though his ass hurt me, I still love him more than I could ever love myself. I wipe my face and compose myself as I made it to Ericka's house finally. She can have all of this shit. I just want to coparent. After sitting and trying to calm down my racing thoughts for a while, I make my way into her house. When I make it in the house, I see her hugged up on the couch with Weasel. I'm not surprised, mad, sad, shit like that. "You parked in the garage bro?" I ask him, which catches them off guard since they were asleep with the TV on. They both make quick movements to hop up off the couch.
"Saye bro, thi-"
"You good bro, I'ma be away too long to worry about it. I'm glad she's with somebody I could trust at the very least. Good looking out." I dap him up.
"This shit just started within the last few days man. I would nev-"
"I said you cool man. Ericka hasn't been mine for a minute now. I was fucking around with somebody else, I'm sure she was too. I'm not fucked up about it. I just came to holla at her for a quick second if you don't mind playa."
"Naw, go ahead bro." He starts to put on his shoes and shit to leave.
"You don't gotta leave. You can go sit in the bedroom or something man. I'm leaving all my shit to her and my son."
"Man I do-"
"I'm fa real bro. I'm not tryna psyche you out or nothing. I'm really not fucked up about it."
He exhales before shaking his head, "aight man. I'm sorry bro."
"You straight." I watch him walk to what used to be my bedroom. "I just wanna holla at you right quick, is that cool?" I ask Ericka once he's gone.
"Yeah." She sits on the couch.
"I'm glad you calmed down from earlier." I crack a small smile at her. She returns the small gesture.
"I had some time to think a little."
"Good. I just wanna apologize for putting you through shit when I knew I wasn't ready to be tied down and committed to you. I apologize for making you feel bad for fucking around with Weasel too. I realize the error of my ways, and I just want us to part ways on a semi good note at least."
She expels a breath, blowing a raspberry in the process, "I mean, I guess this was both of our fuck up. I should have left you when I felt like you didn't want me, instead of trying to force something where it doesn't fit."
"We learn and move on. I just want a visit from my sons at least once a month."
"I can make that happen. I was talking to Bubba earlier and he suggested I get a DNA test to give you peace of mind." She makes a sad smile. "That's why I got so mad at him, because I felt like he was trying to take your side and put my business out."
"Yeah, he was torn up about it when I dropped him home. You should talk to him. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you or y'alls family. He loves y'all." I let her know, though I couldn't help but to feel slightly jealous that I'm not good enough for the same thing. "I'm turning myself in tomorrow morning and wanted to make shit right between all of us. I don't want y'all falling out behind my ain't shit ass. It isn't worth it." She makes a confused face.
"Are you okay?" She looks concerned, "I've never heard you talk like this."
"I'm straight. It's cool if I go upstairs and sleep with Bugg so we can kick it before I go in?"
She looks at me a little while, checking for any doubt of me saying that I'm good. "Of course." I get up and kiss her forehead.
"I really am sorry, Ericka. I would never want anything to happen to you because you're the mother of my kids. Even if DeArique ain't mine, I'll love him like he is because I named him and he came from you-my oldest sons mother." Her eyes get teary as she stands up to hug me.
"I wish you just would have done right, Delontae. I love you."
"I love you, Ericka. But not like a man should love his woman. I'm grateful for the blessing in the seed you let me plant in you." I hug her back. "I hope Weasel gets the job done for you though." And I actually mean everything I've said, even if I don't plan on letting him live his full life.
"You're one in a million." She whispers as I feel tears wet my t shirt.
"So are you." I pull back and kiss her forehead once more. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Delontae."
I head upstairs and sleep climb in the bed with my son.
The good parts of me are reserved for him now.
*****************
So...
Not sure how I got here but...😅
What y'all think?
Is Arique wrong for how he feels?
Is Smutt being dramatic about his feelings?
What y'all think finna happen now?
Lmk what y'all gotta say about anything.
Unrelated BS,
If Arique and Smutt could text, this is what Arique woulda texted him 😂🤣😭
Whew! Sorry y'all. I had to. 😅
🗣ANYWAY!
Thanks for reading, voting and commenting! ☺️💜💜✌🏾