"You never really get over the fact that you're loved one is never coming back after they die, you learn to live alongside that little bit of knowledge... Until you join them too." By N. J
I sighed and stepped out of the car looking over the place I was about to go in to.
It was an especially windy day.
This place never held Joy for anyone and always had that unwelcoming feel about it.
I crossed the road and walked the short distance that brought me to the old rusted gate.
I quickly glanced at the words inscribed above the gate.
St. Matthews Cemetery.
I quickly adjusted the pink roses I held in my hands. They were her favorite.
I took in some air as though gathering the courage, fidgeted with my black overall before eventually deciding to step in.
I knew the way by heart. My legs didn't need to be told where to go, they'd developed a mind of their own.
After a very short terrifying walk, my feet stopped on their own accord.
I felt my heart grow heavy and a lump form in my throat.
It was crazy how even the weather agreed with my mood.
It thundered like crazy with the promise of rain in the summer, but I didn't mind. No. I had to see her.
After looking at the head stone for exactly ten minutes and fighting back the tears, I finally fell to my knees.
The flowers I had once held preciously were now carelessly thrown about as I flung myself around what held her remains.
I hadn't even know her long. I loved her like family even though she wasn't.
How had I gotten so attached in such a short while.
A strong wind blew across, rattling all the trees as though it tried to wake the dead.
Thunders scattered across the skies and it became dark.
Before I knew it, my tears were being mixed with the rain.
I hadn't said a word since I arrived and believe me it wasn't for lack of words.
I had a lot to say to her. But standing here, I couldn't help the memories that crawled their way into my mind.
Her bluish green eyes that sparkled when she smiled.
Her beautiful black hair like mine which often made everyone believe we were related.
She was gone and couldn't answer all the questions I wanted to ask.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn't hear the frantic calling of my name nor the rushing of feet.
It was only when warm hands surrounded me did I realize the rain no longer touched me.
Of course I knew who it was, and it didn't help that his presence only caused me to breakdown more.
I sobbed and sobbed then I stopped but not before sobbing some more.
The rain was falling on me again, which meant Ethan had let go of his umbrella.
"Ethan..." I tried to call in my broken voice.
"Sshh... I'm right here, it's okay. It will be okay."
He was seated on the floor behind me and he brought my back in direct contact with his chest and buried his face in my neck while his arms held me tightly to him.
His hold was one I'd become used to and was slowly growing dependent on since the day Emily had fainted at the playground.
I looked over to the tombstone again and read her name clearly enough.
I couldn't cry anymore and the rain had considerably lessened leaving me completely soaked.
Ethan held me for another thirty minutes in complete silence before I spoke.
"I thought I'd accepted that she was gone, but I realized I haven't come to terms with it. She practically left me high and dry..." I let out sad laugh before trailing of.
"I don't even know why I came here... I'd hoped for answers." I continued.
"It's okay love. Sometimes when we're lost, we look for answers in the craziest of places." He said softly.
"How'd you know I was here?"
"I followed you. You weren't in the best mind set..."
I laughed. I was loosing it.
"I don't handle loss well," I spoke again after we'd settled in comfortable silence. "I don't want to loose Emily."
"You won't. I promise."
"Don't promise. It'll hurt more if it happens."
"It won't. I will make sure of it."
I sighed again.
He begun playing with the hem of my overall before he spoke again.
"So, won't you introduce me to Belinda?"
He asked tilting his head towards the tombstone.
I looked up at him, which consisted of twisting my head in an awkward position due to the way we were seated.
"Are you serious?" He nodded. "Why?"
He now switched to playing with my hair and running his hands through them.
"You basically ran and broke all traffic laws to get here, then cried your eyes out when you got here and under the rain I might add, while your daughter laid in the hospital wondering where her mommy is. It's either this Belinda is a very important person or you're a crazy person who runs off to a cemetery when in problems."
Again, no matter how bad I felt he managed to make me laugh genuinely
"I'm not crazy..." I said after I came down from my high.
He had a little smile on his face too. "My point exactly."
I chuckled and adjusted myself so I was now sitting beside him rather than in front of him.
"Ethan, this is Belinda and sis, this is Ethan." I said
Ethan turned his head over to me with a questioning look.
"Your sister?" He asked unsurely.
"Yes," I smiled. "From another mother."
He nodded.
"It's nice to meet you Belinda. I must say, if you were able to get your sister to cry like that, then you must be an amazing person, just like she is. I wish you'd tell her how strong she is, tell her she is nothing short of amazing and she can conquer whatever problem comes her way. I know she can, I just wish she knows too. Well, until another time, it was nice meeting you." He finished solely focused on the tombstone while I kept my stare on him throughout and had to fight back tears.
He finally turned to face me,
"You're strong Kendra. You're a wonderful woman who would do anything for her baby. Right now, your baby needs you and the doctors need your decision. I know you'll make the right one." He placed a soft kiss on my forehead.
I could only stare at him as I'd lost my voice.
He stood up and stretched a hand out to me.
"Let's go get you changed. I don't want to have to explain to Emily how I let her mom get sick." He smiled
My heart swelled. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I knew I liked the guy but maybe it's more than that...
It's already been a week since Emily had an episode at the playground and Ethan has been nothing short of helpful.
The problem was the doctors had been asking me to sign the papers so Emily gets the heart transplant.
I hadn't been certain about it, I'd spoken with Kenna and I was still confused.
I had thought coming to Belinda, I would have a solution but I just realized I'd been looking for a place to break down and let all the pain out.
The pain of watching my baby slowly leave me like her mom did.
I wasn't going to allow it.
Atleast, coming here served a purpose. I'd made up my mind.
As soon as I reached the hospital, I was going to sign those papers. I won't loose Emily.
"I'm still waiting..." Ethan called out, breaking my train of thought.
I grabbed his hands and stood to my feet.
"Thank you... For everything." I said and placed a soft kiss on his lips.
I quickly pulled away before they could draw me in. Those beautiful, soft, warm, pink lips of his....
"If that's how you say thank you darling, you can count on me to always, and I mean always keep you happy." He gently wiped some dirt from the corner of my lips before leading me out of the cemetery, my hand in his.
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Joy