Your hands bring themselves up to his shoulders - his own dropping around your waist - holding on to him as you let him kiss you with fire, and you kiss back with desire in return. It's an explosion through all your senses, and suddenly all your crying and anger had washed themselves away from your system, every touch hot, leaving traces that stay long after.
At one point, you push him away from you just enough to break apart your kiss and you watch as both your eyes flutter open, a slight panic in his eyes as you move your hands to his chest and keep him apart from you, stopping any further advances he could make. You know he's afraid he's done something wrong, you know he's afraid of your reaction.
This man has been punished for too much in his life.
It's ok Akutagawa. It's ok...
I just need reassurance, something to hold on to again.
"I can't let this keep going if this is where it's all going to end." You whisper to him, one of your hands straying from his shoulders to his soft, messy hair, playing with it in your hands as you search his silver eyes for more than just fear.
Akutagawa looks your face over, a light blush tinting his cheeks as he welcomes your affectionate touch. He loosens his grip on you enough to take one small step back, but not enough to fully let go of you.
"I'm sorry" Akutagawa mumbles a bit awkwardly, though he tries to keep the nervousness he was obviously feeling to himself. You can feel the insecure aura around him stemming from a child that never learned to love and be loved, your hold on him becoming firmer. He stops himself from flinching away out of instinct, allowing your touch to envelop him.
"I'm not going to hurt you the way they have. I just don't want to come back to nothing." You assure him that you words are far from lies. Akutagawa pauses, heart thumping as he leans in to you, recollecting his calm demeanour, voice lowering.
"I want you, [f/n]. I don't want to forget you again...I can't have you forget me." The dark haired man states, gently catching your wrist from the hand that was playing with his hair, taking a hold of the hand in his, closing his eyes and bringing it over his heart.
"Please don't forget me."
The door suddenly opens up, and both you and Akutagawa immediately let go of each other, coloured light coming from the Port Mafia stained glass windows illuminating the dark infirmary room, both your eyes squinting at the sudden flood of light. As you lift your hand up to cast a shadow over your eyes, you recognize the tall figure of Dazai standing at the doorway, his facial expression unreadable.
"[f/n], we have to go."
"Wait, Dazai-"
"We have overstayed our welcome."
He's right. I can't stay here.
You let out a deep, frustrated breath as you slowly nod towards Dazai, stepping away from Akutagawa with small difficulty, walking away without another word. As you do, you feel a tug at your wrist, and you look back to see Akutagawa holding on to you, a pleading look in his eyes of mercury.
You stare at him helplessly, seeing the sternness in Dazai's face as you glance towards the brunette with regret.
"Let go of her, Akutagawa, please. Don't make a scene."
You shiver at the coldness in Dazai's voice as he speaks towards his old subordinate, looking past him to avoid catching the demanding look in his golden-brown eyes.
In a matter of seconds, Akutagawa lets go of you with obvious reluctance, watching you walk away with Dazai with bitter discontent. You don't look back, though you promise him silently that you'll figure everything out, and that you'll come back to him.
Walking with haste through the halls of the Port Mafia, you don't meet Dazai's glances as you both make your way down to the front entrance, a few mafia officials watching cautiously. After some long minutes, you hear Dazai speak next to you, internally irking you.
"Did I not say it would pass?"
"Shut up."
"So little respect for me recently...ah, what have I done to you?" He complains dramatically, resting a hand on your shoulder, tilting his head with a pout.
You push his hand off of you, rolling your eyes at his attitude, pausing just in front of the door before answering.
"You belittle all my pain and then make it ok by being there for me, except you weren't there when I actually needed it and you pretend I can just walk around pretending not to care. I'm human, Dazai. I don't need another telling me I'm less because I can't hide it as well."
Taken aback by your response, Dazai frowns as he watches you walk out the door, following behind you a few seconds after properly processing your words. Once you both are outside, you find a car there for you and see the blonde hair of Kunikida as he waits patiently, motioning you both to hurry up as soon as he sees you, clearly a little tired. You and Dazai walk into the car, him riding shotgun and you at the back, head leaned on the car window as you watch the Port Mafia building grow further and further as the car drives you away, the early evening sun sprinkling its sun rays all over your face as you tune out Dazai and Kunikida's low, conversational voices, allowing yourself to get lost in your own thoughts.
•••
"Akutagawa?"
"What."
"If I were in trouble, would you come after me?"
"We are about to go on a mission. Are you that scared?"
"I'm not scared. I was simply curious how far our partnership goes."
"Fear death, fear slaughter. Remember that those who desire death have an equal desire to die."
"Answer my question."
"This was a forced partnership by the boss himself."
"Exactly. So...would you look for me should I go missing?"
"...it would be my job to regardless."
"Is that a yes?"
"For some reason, I think that wherever we are, the other isn't too far behind."
•••
Kunikida stops the car in front of a bundle of houses in which you know one of them is Atsushi's, and though your first thought is too question why they hadn't stopped at the agency office or found you your own flat to stay in, you realize that this stop had been specifically requested by the weretiger himself as he waves at you in front of his home, a relieved expression in his sun filled yellow-purple eyes. Stepping out of the car, you walk towards Atsushi, greeted by a warm hug by him, squeezing you as he whispers how glad he was that you were ok.
"I hope you don't mind that Kyouka and I wanted you to stay with us for one more night at least...we've been worried and we don't want you to be alone again yet."
"It's ok. I'm ok. You guys don't have to worry." You assure the white-haired 18 year old, following him into his flat where the smell of warm tea welcomes you, Kyouka seated with a perfect grace at the table drinking her own cup already.
The young girl welcomes you with a small smile, offering you some tea and happily getting some for you as you go to sit down across from her.
"How was the Port Mafia?" Kyouka immediately asks as soon as you sit down and she's poured you your tea, receiving a look of alarm from Atsushi.
"It was...something." You say, a chill running down your spine as flashes of your crying and yelling mixed with memories of your suffering inside their walls go through your head.
"Did you talk to Akutagawa?"
"Kyouka!" Atsushi tries to stop her in a light panic, but you shake your head to tell him not to worry.
"What?" Kyouka blankly stares at Atsushi, obviously not receiving the memo.
"I did talk to him."
Silence falls between the three of you, a tension of anticipation for your next words falling heavy.
"And I don't know what to do. I love him...but I can't belong to the Port Mafia for him. I can't...but on that note, I also can't stay with the agency...not after what has happened..." you trail off, biting your lip nervously as your gaze shifts between the two young detectives watching you closely.
"Does he love you?" Kyouka asks, taking a sip of her tea calmly as she does.
The electricity of the kiss between you and Akutagawa runs in your thoughts and in the memory of every place he touched, a small smile playing on your lips.
"He...does." You respond, drinking some of your own tea, pulling back as it burns your tongue slightly.
"In our own way we've always cared...it's been hard...I know, but all our suffering...I believe it was for something. It had to be."
"It's ok to have to think about it...things haven't been just hard for you, [f/n]. I don't want you stuck seeing something the way you want it to be and not the way it is." Atsushi presses.
Your eyes wander towards the window of the detective's home, scanning the skyline wistful, listening to the hum of the evening traffic just outside, the small movements of your friends inside blending all together.
"Honestly? I wouldn't regret a thing."
•••
The new moonlight shines through as you lay anxiously in a borrowed space in Atsushi's apartment, the night sky glittering with twinkling stars with a clearness you hadn't seen in a long time. All you can hear is your own soft breaths, eyes staring at the roof, hands squeezing each other restlessly. In a split decision, you get up from your sleeping mat, throwing the covers off of you as you get up and walk towards the door, pijamas and all, and step outside, closing your eyes for a moment and feeling the fresh air wrap around you as you let yourself feel all the anxiety of the day and try to let it go.
I'm free, I don't have to be in the dark anymore.
"[f/n]?"
You hear Atsushi's soft voice from behind. Startled, you spin around, seeing his kind and concerned double coloured eyes assessing you quizzically.
"Akutagawa sometimes takes walks around late at night." You breath, heart beating hard in your chest. You aren't completely sure why that was the first thing that came to your mind to comment, but when Atsushi responds, you know he understands your sudden impulsivity.
"You said once that you made a promise...I know how important it is to keep one."
"I'll be close by, always."
"Go."
You nod, exhaling as you take slow steps down to the empty streets, turning back with a genuine, thankful smile towards the white-haired boy.
"Thank you" You mouth to him, turning right back around, letting your tattered heart lead the way as you walk through the night, slowly breaking into a jog.
The night air rushes through your hair, the lamp posts lights up certain areas to just barely keep you from being on the sidewalks blindly. The city lights zoom past you in flashes of lights, the port waters slowly coming into view. The water shines in elegant ripples as you stop just at the edge, hands on your knees as you catch your breath.
Where are you?
Deciding to follow the waters now, your jog breaks into a run, tears running down your face as you let yourself remember everything you had to go through to get here. Every sorrow, every torture, every heartbreak...all of it to bring you back to the person this had all begun with.
Where are you?!
You stop abruptly in your tracks as under one of the few working lamp posts, a lean figure catches your eye, one that you could never mistake as anyone else. Dark hair with white tips against his pale face, a long black coat different from his usual Port Mafia one perfectly decorating his body, Akutagawa Ryunosuke stands to your right, and a tsunami of relief and care floods through you, making every part of you tingle with suspenseful excitement.
Wiping the tears off your face, you meet his eyes that resemble the moon from afar, his surprise and satisfaction apparent on his face. You give your self a second of recuperation before you run towards him, a smile unable to be hidden from your face. In mere seconds you crash into him, wrapping your arms around him, Akutagawa unexpectedly wrapping your arms around you.
"I told you I'd always come back." You whisper, face buried in his coat, refusing to let go.
I told you it's always been about you.
"[l/n] [f/n]...I think I know what happiness is now. What love means and what poets write about." Akutagawa says softly, his low voice a sweet melody in the silent night.
"What is it?" You ask innocently, tilting your face up to meet eyes with his, the both of you gazing affectionately at the other.
"It's me with you."
At his words, you hide your smile by pulling him into a deep kiss full of pure love, holding his face gently as his arms wrap around you, allowing yourself to be absorbed in the moment, in him, and in a state of complete, sweet, blissful oblivion. Your hearts dance in a waltz to the beat of your interlocking lips, bodies pressed against each other.
I couldn't ask for more.
That's what love is to me too, Akutagawa...and I'll do anything to make sure it lasts.
We deserve it.
Fin (2/2)