"So...Ray, tell me. What's the most screwed up moment of your life?" Wesley asked.
I looked down at my almost dark-skinned thighs while patting the pleats of the short black dress I wore. My fingertips danced on my skin as I bit my lips.
The night was long and I searched non-stop for the warmth of the morn to take over the chilling despair that came with the sour night.
Wesley had taken me out to dinner. I remember calling myself a fool for going out with a man who I had tried to cut off from my sad life. Still, this man with acuity caused by fear was the closet person to me.
I had walked the road of despair and dread with no one but my lengthened shadow. So just one man being very familiar with me, was not a choice neither was it a compulsion. Life had made it so. After all, I was a loner and Wes felt I needed someone by my side.
"Ramona Becky Taylor! Are you even listening to me? Look, I know that for the past five years you've been going through hell but this is 2008! It's time for a new beginning and that's the reason I'm here. I'll never leave you and I'll be by your side always. I just want to see you laugh and smile again. I'll help you Ray. Sure you're scared and worried but I'll help you attain happiness. All I need is your trust. I think I deserve it and somehow your life depends on it. But hey...It's your call. Doesn't matter how much you want to deny it, you need me and you know it. So do you trust me?"
I looked into Wesley's eyes and for an unknown reason I tried to place him somewhere in my heart.
Funny enough, I couldn't find a place. My heart had been smashed years back and the only vacant space left for Wesley was the size of a key hole.
I could have told him that I didn't care about dinner. I wish I told him that I wanted to be left alone and that my life was more than screwed up. Scared? Worried? I was past those things. I had drowned in the river of worry years back and I held onto hope with something thinner than a strand of hair. In any moment I was sure it would snap. Happiness? If only it was real.
I stared at the wine glass in front of me for a while, took in a deep breath and gazed into the eyes of Wesley Stark.
"Wesley I do trust you. I know you can help me get through all of this. Actually, the truth is I can rely on no one but you. Life just sucks and sometimes I feel it's best to handle things my own way...Although you're right. I could use your help."
"Finally she speaks. This would have been the worst dinner I've ever had." Wes said.
"Like you haven't been to worse? There was once a time I sat with you like this for two hours straight and even you being the chatty one didn't have a simple topic. Compared to that I think this is okay. You're lucky your lips moved tonight because if they didn't this would have been the last time we ate out." I said and smiled out of a flicker of hope. He was the reason I spoke that night. He was one of the few reasons I ever spoke.
"Ate out? Shouldn't we call it a date?" he asked.
"No we shouldn't for the sake of three reasons. One, this dinner isn't for the purpose of initiating a romantic relationship, we're each paying for our share, like two separate individuals... like friends. Two, no one asked anyone out, we both had this planned a month ago. It's been a sort of tradition for our Thursday nights. And lastly if I did go on a date with you I'd have more than this on my plate because, there's no way I'll pay good money for a meal the size of a rabbit's foot."
"Now this is the girl I've been searching for all night." Wesley smiled as he took another gulp from his wine glass. His fingers held it in the most admirable and sophisticated way.
"So Ray...I'm sure there's more you'd like to tell me. I mean if you and I..."
It kept re-occurring to me, the reason I was having this repentant excuse for a dinner. High school.
It was a beautiful morning and I was entrenched in grasping a fresh breath of air from the zest of a new day while the sun rays kissed my skin and the wind played with my ears.
I was a naïve fourteen year old who had moved with her Father from Denmark to Los Angeles.
It was my first day at the Mary Land high school. The date; 18th of June 2001.
My father had his usual beverage of coffee and cream topping with omelette and a few slices of bread that morning, before he dropped me off at my new school.
On my way to school, I stared at my father. Mr Johnson Taylor. He was all set for work. He looked incredibly comfortable in his black suit which covered the snow-white sleeve he wore. A décor of red tie sat on his neck and hung down the fifth button on his shirt. Which gave his wall-street look a finishing touch and so did his red socks as they crept into black Italian shoes.
"Dad really? Are you serious?" I asked him in a tone not so high.
My father though fifty three, never gave up on his looks. He took a quick glance at the rear-view mirror and brushed his blonde hair for a while. I often wondered why he cared about the hair, when what anyone could easily see, were the white stripes that came in. The white monsters increased day by day as they tried to extinguish the gold-like strands on my father's head.
His wrinkles were not an exception. My father was a good looking man indeed, but the wrinkles refused to hide themselves.
To the world he was a wealthy man with no troubles, but being his daughter, I knew better.
After my father took care of his hair, he turned to me with a smile on his face. "Butter cup, I know you don't like the fact that you'll have to go to a new school, but this is what's best for the both of us. You know that right?"
My father had a thing for nick-naming me after sweet things; Cupcake, Butter cup, Sugar plum and all. But Butter cup didn't work out that morning for I had intentions of my own wrapped beneath my sleeves.
"Yeah Dad I know this is the best for you but it isn't really the best for me. I don't have a problem with moving, I just have a problem with trying to start a new life. I don't think I can do this Dad. I know I have to, but...All I'm trying to say is I'm not really ready for this and it wouldn't be fair if I'm forced to go to a new..."
"Ramona you're doing this. Like it or not this is our new home and you're just going to have to stay comfortable with this somehow. I don't care how you..."
"Please Dad! Mum...Mum would never drag me into something like this without my approval."
I shouldn't have brought my mother into the conversation but before I could sputter an apology my Father barked back at me.
"Don't you dare bring your mother into this young lady?! Your mother's gone and it's going to stay that way. Do you understand?!"
"We can't just pretend like she never existed!"
"Well Pumpkin, I do want us to act like she never existed, because, the truth is there were times I wished she never did!"
My Father did this every morning. He could make a blessed day cursed, especially when our conversation had something to do with my mother.
I never really understood him. I loved mother and the truth is I was aware of their struggles and fights before she died but I felt it was no reason to say horrible things about her.
She died a week after my father filed for a divorce. For what I called 'obvious reasons', I blamed my father for my mother's death .So whenever he cursed at her grave, I kept fighting back.
"I thought you loved mum!"
"Of course I loved her, she was my wife!" My father said as he steered the car's wheels towards the Mary Land high school.
"She was my mother!" I said.
I took in a deep breath and got out of the blue Honda.
After a few steps, my Father called me back.
"Honey I'm sorry. This talk about your mother is... I just think..."
"Oh! You just think I should forget about the woman who cared for me, taught me, fed me and carried me in her womb for nine months? Sure I will! Right after you get me into the womb of another female or better still, give birth to me yourself!!"
I locked the car door so hard, I was so sure that if my fingers were caught up in the jam, they would have been cut right off.
I thought it all ended after my Father and I moved to Los Angeles, but it seemed my dad's hidden hatred for my mother was for eternity.
Sometimes I wished they never met, even if it was going to cause my non-existence in the world.
Right after I left the car, I walked past a crowd of students who seemed similar but yet diverse in so many ways. I wasn't surprised. After all it was high school.
I walked into the hallway and I could not stop the tingling effects I got on my skin.
I got a mixture of vibes around me and I hated it.
I hated being the newbie that everyone kept staring at.
I thought of the cheerleaders, the mean girls, the cute boys in the football team, the nerds, the school events and the school clubs. I did not want to be involved in all those. They consisted of people and people meant humans. I wasn't ready to mingle with people.
My experience at my old school in Denmark wasn't quite pleasant. My mother's death made me a different person but no one could understand.
The humans I called 'friends' hated me at the time. I became a patriot to bullying and I was often called the daughter of a murderer since a lot of people felt my Father was responsible for my mother's death, due to rumors the absence of sorrow in his actions at my mother's funeral.
I hated being a victim of rumour. I hated the fact that no one trusted me.
Trust was a word which had crumbled in my life. I just wanted to live a life of my own. I really hoped Los Angeles' Mary Land High School would give me the lonesome teen life I wanted.
My first day at Mary Land turned out okay. It seemed my strategic belief for avoiding other people worked.
I was stared at but never spoken to. I kept my chin up and a certain pride strolled about my simple being wrapped in all black jean pants, leather jacket and boot heels not so high.
My charisma was upheld till the bell was rung for recess.
In the wide open cafeteria, I made my way to a table free from 'others'.
A few minutes after I made myself comfortable, a boy with curly hair and brown eyes that were somewhat sad and filled with excitement at the same time, walked up to me.
I could not tell what continent he was from. His facial structure and pointed nose made him look like one of the present mulattos or new-breeds. He was probably the result of romance between different races. Just like me.
"Hi! I'm Wesley Stark. I'm also a new student here... I think it's better if I say I was a new student three days ago.... Well I'm not sure since I wasn't given a proper greeting as a new student. Actually, I didn't receive any greeting at all. All they ever did was stare and I can't help but notice, the same thing is happening to you."
He bent over and cupped his left hand on the side of his mouth. His lips were an inch or two away from my left ear.
I could feel his breath on my un-pierced lobe.
He was close. Too close.
I wanted to hit his face. He had interrupted my strategy for loneliness. I wanted to push him away but for an unknown reason I held my peace.
"People here aren't very friendly. But I'm willing to change that. It's nice to meet you."
He stretched his right arm and left his palm wide open.
He smiled and like a gentleman, he expected my hand on his as a form of greeting. Well, I left him hanging.
"Um...I'll get going then." He said as he brushed his dark curly hair in confusion.
If I knew myself as much as I thought as I did, I would have let him leave and settle down alone with my meal and thoughts. Instead I called him back.
"Hey!! Wesley or whatever your name is. Just because I didn't let my hand drop on yours doesn't mean I want you to leave."
He turned to me and for the first time I saw him smile and his brown eyes were widened with excitement.
"Really?!" he piped.
"Just sit down before I change my mind."
"Um...wow...thanks! Oh I never got your name".
"Ramona. Ramona Becky Taylor." I said, with no intention of being friends with him.
"Do you mind if I call you Ray? I know it sounds like a guy's name but I just like giving my friends pet names."
"I'm not your friend and I hate nicknames." And that was the bumpy start to the friendship between Wesley Stark and I.
"Alright then, I guess this is my last stop. It's just so sad Ray. Come on you've got to try to find hope somehow. Why can't you just let it go?"
Grown Wesley said while he placed his arms on my shoulders.
I looked into his eyes. The sad but yet excited brown eyes which were always filled with a puzzle or two. Once I had the urge to unravel the mystery beneath those beautiful eyes. Well no more. I felt like I had seen everything.
"I'm sorry Wes but it's like I told you before. I just...I just can't let anyone get hurt. I can't bear the pain anymore. I can't do it. My heart is barely surviving its crack and it'll just tear apart if anything happens to you. I won't be able to bear it Wes and you know this as much as I do."
"Ray what happened is already in the past. Why can't you see that? We're far past twenty years of age and everyone we knew back then have moved on."
I threw his arms off my shoulders in anger.
"What does that even mean Wes? Everyone we knew is dead! The only people alive from high school don't even know our names!"
"Ramona Becky Taylor that was high school and this...this is now. Look I'm sorry about everything that happened. I'm sorry about Mark, Rhonda..."
I couldn't take it anymore. Those names were the last things I wanted to hear.
The more Wesley spoke, I could feel my heart rupture.
I wanted it to stop.
It had to stop.
For a minute it was all blank and in repeated flashes, I pushed Wesley so hard, he got a cut on his right hand from trying not to fall from the short flight of stairs that lead to my building.
"Oh my God! I'm sorry Wesley. I'm so sorry. Are you alright? I'm such a fool. I killed them right? Surely, I did. It's my fault they're dead. Look at me I'm a pitiful beast...I should've never met them...Why...Why...Was I the only girl in school? I..." I stuttered, depression turned moist in my eye sockets.
In a long while, the sight of the beautiful star-spotted dark blanket above the earth was blurred as tears tried to find their way past my eyelids.
I tried hard to be strong, which was impossible but Wesley Stark wrapped his arms around me.
I got caught up in the warmth and softness of his grey fur coat. I tried to find comfort and soon I found myself floating in the enticing scent of the perfume which he wore.
"Ray you can't do this alone. You need someone to talk to...someone to lean...someone to trust and that's the reason I'm here okay? I know caution is needed but the cops have done the best they can. Everybody that can help has your back. I just can't see you this way. It's been five years and nothing. No signs of murder or threats. I need you to put the past behind you. Can you do that?"
My tears had dropped freely and the beautiful night sky was clearer to me. His eyes were also clearer to me once again and so was the scar I had given him a while ago.
Wes was no longer the nerd I knew back in high school. He was stronger, braver. He had become a man and he was the only person on my contact list, since everyone else I knew was dead.
I couldn't let him get hurt for my sake. I let go of his grip.
"I'm sorry Wesley. I can't do this. Don't come back for your sake. Everyone that gets close to me ends up in a coffin one way or another. It might've been five years but the nightmares are a perfect reminder of the doom that awaits anyone who lurks around my life. I can't let you get hurt." I told him.
"What the heck are you talking about Ray? Fine it's been five years of peace. And yeah, you're right, before the peaceful times, life was a real mess of dead bodies and blood...but...but...I'm also part of your high school life and I'm alive. I'm here aren't I?" He asked, still persistent on protecting me.
It was sweet really, but my life was no fairy tale and the birth of a knight and shining armour meant nothing but trouble.
"I'm sorry Wesley, you need to leave." I said, while my feet counted the few stairs and in a few minutes I was at the door of the building I lived in and my hands were at the door knob.
"Come on Ray, this isn't right? Do you have any idea how awful I'll feel if anything happens to you? Heck! The reason I do what I do now is for your sake."
"Well I'm glad I'm the inspiration for your job." I smiled, while I opened the door and got into my home, ready to shut Wes out.
"If that's a joke it wasn't funny Ray."
"It wasn't. Bye now."
"Don't shut this door Ray! Every night you do this and normally I won't come back, but I do because I feel you need someone. Ray you..."
"I'm fine Wes." I told him again.
My eyes crept to the scar on his hands. Guilt got a hold of me.
I did not deserve Wesley Stark. I had to release him from the dreadful fate that would befall him for being with a woman like me.
Like a few others before, I had to push him away.
"You've got to tend to your wound."
"I'll be fine as always. I'll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight Wes."
"You're doing it again. You think you can hide your feelings from me. Well I know you more than you think. Ramona! Hey! Wait a minute...I...Ray!!"
Just like every other night I shut the door on Wesley Stark, ran up a few stairs, into the hallway and finally my apartment.
I staggered to my bed and held my pillow tightly.
Once again liquid drained itself from my body through my eyelids. I didn't stop them.
I let them flow freely till the night breeze lead me to dream land. They were tears but it felt like freedom.
The one thing my heart longed for. Freedom.
I woke up to a beautiful sunrise and the satisfying aroma of freshly baked bread.
I worked out for a while and walked to my private cubicle.
It was my favourite place in the crappy little apartment I lived in.
I took off the black gown I wore the previous night and threw it on the couch where other worn clothing belonged to.
It was a really pretty gown. Wes and I chose it for a special occasion. I never imagined I would wear it for a sad night.
"What a waste!" I thought.
In the bathroom, I let the water flow through my hair, soak my feet and roll into the drain.
I liked my private cubicle filled with steam and the smell of lavender from my bathing soap. Also I loved the scent of jasmine from my hair shampoo.
In a while, there was a knock on the door.
It was Mrs Beckley from the bakery nearby.
The woman thought I was a physic loner who substituted doing horrible things with eating a few slices of bread.
She took a huge loaf of bread from a basket she held and gave it to me, with a smile on her face that was neither a grin nor laughter.
"Thank you Mrs Beckley. I'm really grateful."
"No problem dearie. Now, you take good care of yourself and try to stay out of trouble. If you need someone to talk to I'll be at the bakery as always. Alright? Have a good day sweetie."
The elderly woman rumbled her words so quickly and without accuracy that before I really knew her, I could pick up just a word from what was meant to be a sentence.
She looked funny. Her skin was pale and her eyes were sunken with age, though they shone in an admirable blue colour. She always covered her silvery strands of hair with a multi-coloured scarf. Her back seemed quite bent as though she bowed to an invisible king. She was quite a peculiar old lady.
When Mrs Beckley disappeared, I walked out of the building I lived in.
My apartment might have been small, but whenever I was outside, I felt the morning breeze brush the surface of my dark skin and pierce through the curls of my hair.
"Hey Ramona what's up?! Good morning!!"
I turned and saw my neighbour Tina as she sat comfortably on the pavement.
She was the only child that ever spoke to me in the neighbourhood. Actually, she was the only person who did so. Everyone else around me thought I was a weirdo since I never spoke to them without a cause.
Tina was a cute twelve year old girl with rose red lips and beautiful green eyes.
She left the pavement and walked towards to me. She wore a lot of blush that morning.
When she was close enough, I held her face and wiped off the ugly reds on her cheeks.
"Girl, how many times do I have to tell you? Your freckles are cute the way they are. You're pretty with them and not until you accept them, you'll be an ugly red-haired girl to yourself."
Tina swept my hands off her face and took a little mirror from her grey back-pack.
"I'm pretty and I know that. Without these stupid spots I'm a diva and you know that. However bra of these spots I'm an ugly duckling and everyone knows that. If I let these freckles feel free on my skin, I'll be the joke of the week at school. Geez! I hate high school."
I smiled at her.
"Not as much as I do. That place was hell." I said.
Tina gave me weird look.
"Yeah! Right! Hell is where you'll be if you keep lying Prom Queen."
"Prom Queen? What makes you think I was Prom Queen?"
"Um...I know you're not really living your dream life but come on you're really pretty...You've just got this sorta high-school-princess aura around you. And besides, you've got that really cute guy...What was his name? Um...Wes! Yeah you've got Wes. I remember you telling me that you and Wes go way back in high school. Only the popular girl in school could get a guy like that. He looks like a prince charming. That's not the point...I don't know...I guess I just think that someone like you would have enjoyed high school. I just get that vibe from you."
I gave a short laugh. This child knew nothing about me. She knew nothing at all.
"That's strange. Girl I was no Prom Queen. Speaking of Wes I'll tell him you like him. You've got a little crush on my pal haven't you?"
The red-haired child blushed innocently "I don't. I just think he's cute you know...um...you should keep going on dates with him...um...I...you..."
"Would you look at those red cheeks? She's blushing! I'll tell Wes, you think he's cute." I teased the little girl.
"That's not fair Ramona I didn't say that. Please don't tell..."
Just then, there was a screeching sound and a big yellow bus was at sight. I hated the big yellow bus. It reminded me of a lot.
Tina ran towards the yellow vehicle as I waved her goodbye.
"I'll see you later Ramona! By the way Prom Queen you have no idea of the kind of hell High school is. If there's a hotter hell, high school is just it. Bye."
Tina got into the school bus and it drove off leaving nothing but traces of carbon filled smoke.
I took in a deep breath and replied the red-haired darling though she was absent.
"You're damn right it's hell. High school was hell."