Walking along a path lined by fragrant osmanthus trees,
I reach an arched bridge floating atop a sea of lilies.
Across, on the water's edge, a beguiling future beckons,
Yet next to me, the past clings, not quite ready for me to move on.
--- J., 2019
There was no relief to be found in this city. Since most people should have returned to their various hometowns to celebrate the lunar new year, he'd driven Yingyue to the hospital near her house expecting it to be almost empty. Contrary to his expectations, however, the place teemed with people. Like ants, they crawled up and down the white hallways intent on finishing whatever they had to do in the quickest time possible.
He should have known better.
This was Shanghai, after all, a city that was more than double the population of Seoul and tripled that of New York.
Jihoon shifted in his seat at the far corner of the reception area, where he and Yingyue waited for her turn to be called. There was something about the sharp, distinct smell of disinfectant that made his skin crawl. It brought back memories of a time when these sterile walls kept him prisoner. A faraway place, a different time. All best forgotten.
Wanting to distract himself, he observed the nurses manning different workstations constantly shuffling through papers and fielding questions from patients of all ages. In front of him, an elderly man watched a video from his phone sans earphones. Sound blasted from the screen competing with the rest of the hubbub.
Ah, China.
Years ago, this behavior would have annoyed the hell out of him, but after months in this city, he only shook his head and smiled. He remembered the day he arrived in Shanghai, his first time coming back to his mother's hometown as an adult. The moment he stepped on to the tarmac, he was assaulted by a cacophony of sights, smells, and sounds. When he stepped inside the arrival hall, he was swept away by the flood of people rushing towards immigration and the world beyond. Having lived a few years in Seoul and New York, he wasn't a stranger to crowds, but everything in Shanghai was at a grander scale. His experiences in the city had been at times overwhelming, but exciting as well. A new start. A new life. All in a place that was at once so strange yet so familiar.
Something brushed against his thigh.
"Sorry," Yingyue mumbled, repositioning her leg away from his.
"No worries." Jihoon cast a worried glance at the woman next to him, wondering how all this was affecting her. Yingyue looked out the window, ears covered by the olive green noise-cancellation headphones he'd lent her. From afar, she was the picture of serenity, spine ramrod straight and face still amidst the surrounding commotion. Only Jihoon saw the way her clenched hands repeatedly dug against her thighs.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Hmm?" She turned towards him, pushing the headphones back.
The movement revealed the delicate shell of her ear and the graceful line of her neck. Before his thoughts went to inappropriate directions, he said, "I was just wondering how you're holding up. Everything okay?"
"Ah! I-I'm fine. It's... going better than expected."
She cast him a tiny smile, which he returned. "Good. You're doing so well."
"Thank you. Really."
"I didn't do anything. This is all you. I wish I was half as brave."
She shook her head. "I'm not brave at all. All this trouble is also my own doing anyway." She smiled again, but this time, a shadow of bitterness dulled its radiance. "If I was brave, I would have dealt with grief better like any normal person. Instead, I chose to hide from the world like a coward."
"That's not true." Frowning, he laid a hand on top of hers to still its movements. Yingyue looked at him in surprise, but he went on, "There's no right way to deal with grief. Everyone just does what they can to cope. Some get over it faster, while others take longer. You know, after my---" He paused, unused to talking about his past. He'd suppressed thoughts about that incident for so long, unearthing them now was like pulling teeth. Besides, who was he to speak about grief when he wasn't successful either at dealing with his own? "Nevermind." He adopted a lighter tone and let her go, fully intent on brushing the moment away.
Yingyue stopped him by clinging to the sleeve of his coat. "Tell me, please."
He searched her eyes while considering the request. Tucked somewhere in her gaze was a plea he couldn't quite deny. "It's just that after L..." He worked his throat, struggling to say her name. "After my... my fiancée died, everything hurt. Even something as natural as breathing became difficult because I continued to exist while she..." Worried she'd see too much, Jihoon ducked his head and focused on a speck of dirt on the tiled floor. "Anyway, I wanted to end it too, but I started thinking about my sister. The two of us are really close and if I left, she'd be devastated. I couldn't bear that thought so I pushed myself to survive. Just one day at a time. And I realized, sometimes, merely surviving in the face of death can be an act of courage." He looked at her again. "So don't be too hard on yourself. You're here. You're brave."
"I'm here. I'm brave," she repeated, unshed tears shimmering along her lashline.
Jihoon couldn't stop staring. At that moment, a gazillion things passed between them that no words could ever fully encapsulate. He didn't even try to speak. It was enough to feel to understand and be understood. The strangest thing was he felt weightless and constricted at the same time like he'd flown too high there was not enough air to breathe.
"Patient number SH1035, please go to room number five."
Fortunately, the loud broadcast echoed throughout the room, breaking the spell. Jihoon quietly exhaled, while Yingyue tucked the headphones in her bag and pulled out the piece of paper with her queue number.
"It's my turn," she said over the din of the repeated broadcast.
"Shall we go?"
Getting on his feet, Jihoon offered her his hand. She gripped it and pulled herself up. Despite the dry heat permeating the room, Jihoon noticed her palm was cold and clammy, so he gave it a reassuring squeeze before letting it go. Yingyue acknowledged the gesture with a smile. Then, with a determined lift of her chin, she strode forward and led the way. Jihoon trailed closely behind amazed by how this current hospital visit was so drastically different from the previous one.
Just as they were about to make a turn, however, Yingyue's steps suddenly faltered. Jihoon looked ahead and saw a nurse wheeling a sedated man towards them. She was followed by various family members. Jihoon tapped Yingyue's shoulder to check if everything was okay and was surprised to find her whole body shaking.
"Wait," she gasped, stumbling against the wall.
Ignoring the curious glances aimed their way, Jihoon cradled her against his chest and shielded her body with his own. "It's okay. Take all the time you need," he murmured against her hair.
Yingyue heaved at the effort it took to breathe. Jihoon rubbed her back. When the walls closed in on him every night, he realized fighting against it only made it worse, so he knew the best thing to do was to bear it until it passed. After some time, she gave his chest a light push.
"I--" she gasped "--am... okay now."
He gave her space. "Are you sure?"
After a few more deep breaths, she nodded. "Go. The doctor is waiting."
"If you're sure..."
With even more determined steps, she trudged ahead. As it turned out, they were very close to room number five. When they went inside, a man with salt and pepper hair greeted them with a smile. "Hu Yingyue?"
"Yes." Jihoon and Yingyue said at the same time.
The doctor lifted an eyebrow and pushed his eyeglasses farther up his nose bridge. "Miss Hu, can you please sit on the bed? And Miss Hu's boyfriend, you can sit here---" he pointed to one of the chairs in front of his desk "---or you can come and stand next to her if you want."
"I'll stand next to her," Jihoon answered, giving Yingyue a reassuring smile to let her know he didn't mind the doctor's honest mistake. He figured letting the doctor think they were in a relationship was more convenient than having to explain his presence. When he noticed Yingyue's cheeks stained red, though, he added, "Unless you want me to wait outside, of course?"
"Stay," she said in a soft voice, immediately going towards the bed at the back of the room.
Jihoon rushed behind so he could help her up. That done, he circled to the other side of the bed to get out of the way. The doctor, identified as Li Yanjun by his nameplate, drew the curtains close and scanned the printed document in his hand. "All right, Miss Hu. How are you feeling? Have you been cleaning your wound every day?"
"Yes," she replied, watching the doctor with wary eyes.
Jihoon patted the back of her hand.
Doctor Li caught the movement and grinned. "Seems like you've got your young man really worried, Miss Hu. Shall we examine your wound to see if there's cause for concern?"
She nodded, her mouth set in a thin line. While the doctor asked Yingyue to move her shirt up, Jihoon averted his gaze and focused on a poster detailing the proper steps to handwashing. As the letters blurred into black and white scratches, he felt her hand slip into his. Automatically, his fingers closed over hers.
Come to think of it, it wasn't surprising the doctor assumed they were a couple. Since the eve of the lunar new year three days ago, there had been a subtle yet notable change in their relationship. It was as if the border that drew a distinct line between mere acquaintances and something more simply dissolved. Like two comrades who have gone through war and came back alive, seeing each other at their most vulnerable forged an invisible connection. Now, they were in blurry territory.
Would he consider her as a friend?
Definitely.
Yet at the same time, he couldn't say his feelings for her were completely platonic. Just yesterday, while he was supposedly writing in his diary, he ended up with sketch after sketch of her face, unable to take his eyes away from the fascinating shifts in her features as she worked on her laptop by the electric fireplace.
Surely friends didn't obsess over each other's slightest gestures?
But if he no longer regarded her as simply a friend, what then?
With his free hand, Jihoon tugged on the collar of his sweater. This enclosed, musty space was making him claustrophobic. At the back of his mind, though, he knew the truth, but it was something he wasn't ready to acknowledge yet. Anyway, the week-long holiday was ending tomorrow. That meant leaving Yingyue and going back to reality. What if everything between them was simply the result of proximity? Distance could make all these away, so what was the use of delving deeper?
"Your wound is healing nicely," Doctor Li declared, pulling Jihoon's attention back. "I think your boyfriend here really did a good job of taking care of you."
"He did."
Jihoon caught a glimpse of her bare abdomen before he quickly pulled his glance up. She avoided his gaze and freed her hand to pull her sweater back down.
"Your bowel sounds are normal, too," Doctor Li continued, dropping his stethoscope. "How's your bowel movement?"
Eyes widening, Yingyue's eyes volleyed between the doctor and Jihoon. "B-bowel movement?"
"Yes, have you started pooping regularly?"
She was so obviously flustered, Jihoon had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop himself from grinning. He earned a glare from her for his efforts.
"Ah..." The doctor glanced at Jihoon then at Yingyue, understanding dawning upon his expression. "A new couple, I see... There's no need to be embarrassed. Men and women have the same bodily functions. I'm sure your boyfriend wouldn't think less of you, right, young man?"
Jihoon nodded, making sure to put on a serious face. "Right."
"See," Doctor Li told Yingyue. "He'll love you no matter what, right?"
"Uh...Y-yeah," he stuttered.
As soon as he said that, their eyes met again. This time, Yingyue's gaze softened. It was now his turn to look away, mind swirling with confusion and guilt. Just now, there was something so familiar in the way she looked at him. Bright brown eyes, so full of affection... Things were changing for her, too. He really shouldn't be doing this. Not when he wasn't sure.
"Aya," Doctor Li said, sounding impatient. "All right. Young man, cover your ears so we can get this done."
Jihoon did as he was asked. He heard her whispering but didn't focus on deciphering the words. There were other things he needed to untangle, like what he should do after all this was over. And, did he really need to do anything, though? He only offered his help because she needed it. In return, he got a small reprieve from his own inner battles. It was a win-win situation. Tomorrow, when he had to leave, they'd go their separate ways having gotten what they both wanted.
He should end it at that.
But could he? Really?
---
A/N: I was supposed to be only gone for a few weeks but weeks rolled into months and before I knew it, it was three months into 2020. Apologies for being away for so long. Hope you guys are still here!