The TARDIS materialises in ant exhibit which looks like the moon's surface, complete with the US flag out straight as if there was no air or gravity, and half an Earth in the dark sky. The Doctor, Clara, then Angie, Artie Maitland and I put our heads out of the door.
"Well, here we are. Hedgewick's World. The biggest and best amusement park there will ever be, and we've got a golden ticket. Eh? Eh? Fun" the Doctor says.
"Fun?" Clara asks.
"Your stupid box can't even get us to the right place. This is like a moon base or something" Angie says.
"It's not the moon" I say looking down at her.
"Actually, I think it does look like the moon, only dirtier," Artie says.
"Hey. Guys. It's not the moon, ok? It's a Spacey Zoomer ride, or it was" the Doctor says looking at Artie, me and Angie, a door opens in one of the large rocks, and a man wearing a tall hat looks out.
"Psst. Excuse I. I don't suppose you happen to be my lift off planet? Dave's Discount Interstellar Removals?" the man asks.
"Afraid not" Clara replies.
"They were meant to be here six months ago. Well, that's Dave for you, see? Unreliable" a woman's voice cuts through the air.
"Stay where you are!"
"Oops" the man ducks back inside as the military run in.
"Throw down your weapons and identify yourselves."
"No. No weapons. Golden ticket. Spacey Zoomer. Free ice cream?" the Doctor waves the ticket in the air, I take it from him and put it in my pocket.
"Who are you? This planet is closed, by Imperial order."
"How's this?" the Doctor holds up the psychic paper.
"Oh. Welcome, Proconsul. I wish they'd told us you were coming. Any news of the Emperor?"
"Oh, the Emperor. No, no. None that you'd er..."
"We pray for his return. If there is anything you need, my platoon is at your service."
"Right. Righty-o. Well, carry on, Captain" the Doctor says.
"Platoon, let's move out! On the double. Two, three, four. Two, three, four. Two, three, four" the military run off, and the man pokes his head out again.
"Have they gone?"
"Yes" I say.
"Uniforms give me the heebie-jeebies. Come on. They can't stop me being here, but they don't like it" he leads them away from the Zoomer for a view of the whole amusement park.
"Ha, ha! You see? I told you it was amazing. Well, it used to be" the Doctor says, there's a wrecked mega-scenic rollercoaster and other rides. Grass is growing in the cracks in the concrete.
"It closed down. Wish I'd known that before I landed here. But let me show you my collection. Come along. Follow me. This way. This way in, come on" the man says, he leads them down some steps into a comfortably furnished room with lots of waxworks on display, all lit by chandeliers hanging from the ceiling.
"Welcome to my show. Webley's World of Wonders. Miracles, marvels and more await you. I am Impresario Webley. You see before you waxwork representations of the famous and the infamous. Anybody here play chess?" the Doctor puts his hand up.
"Perhaps you, young man?"
"Actually, I'm in my school chess club," Artie says.
"Ah. Follow me" Webley leads us to the chess room "now, let demonstrate to you all the wonder of the age, the miracle of modernity" sitting by the chess board is something covered in a satin cloth "we defeated them all a thousand years ago, but now he's back, to destroy you. Behold, the enemy!" Webley whips the cloth off a slightly tarnished silver coloured robot, which raises its head.
"Cyberman! Get down!" the Doctor shouts, everyone ducks.
"No need to panic, my young friends. We all know there are no more living Cybermen. What you are seeing is a miracle. The six hundred and ninety-ninth wonder of the universe, as displayed before the Imperial court, and only here to destroy you at chess" Webley says, the Doctor is scanning and investigating "careful now. An empty shell, and yet it moves. How?"
"Magic," Angie says.
"That might well be, young lady, but a single penny wins you five Imperial shillings. If you can beat this empty shell at chess."
"I haven't got a penny, but I've got a sandwich," Artie says.
"All right, take a seat. It is free of all devices, and yet it has never been beaten. Would you like to make the first move, young man?" Artie moves his King's Bishop's pawn one space. The Cyberman counters by moving its King's pawn two spaces.
"Oh no, Artie. No, don't do that, it..." Artie advances his King's Knight's pawn two spaces. Up comes the Black Queen to end the game "that's a fool's mate" the Doctor says.
"If you can tell me how it works, I'll give you a silver penny."
"I think you do it with mirrors?" Angie says.
"Hmm. Mirrors. Clever girl. Well, let's see, hey? Low tech. It's a puppet. Monofilament strings, which means the brains are in..." the Doctor opens a door in the Cyberman's chair to reveal a little man with a control box.
"Hello."
"Hello."
"I'm the brains."
"Hello."
"Give us a hand" the Doctor helps the man out of the small space "they call me Porridge. Oh, it's good to be out of that box."
"For you, Miss, an Imperial penny" which Webley apparently produces from Angie's ear. I notice a small swarm of tiny metal bugs slithering across the floor "I have not one but three Cybermen in my collection" the exhibit is labelled The Great Enemy. The Doctor checks that they are inert. Angie looks at another waxwork of a tall man.
"Give us a hand" the Doctor helps the man out of the small space "they call me Porridge. Oh, it's good to be out of that box."
"Is that the King?" Angie asks.
"Emperor. Ludens Nimrod Kendrick, etc, etc, the forty-first. Defender of Humanity, Imperator of known space" Porridge says.
"He looks a bit full of himself," Clara says.
"Don't say things like that about the Imperial family. You can end up on the run for the rest of your life."
"They don't sound very nice," Artie says.
"Go on. If the kids want to ride the Spacey Zoomer, then I can operate the gravity console" Angie compares the image on the coin to the waxwork.
"Angie!"
*Spacey Zoomer*
Artie and Angie enjoy flying around in microgravity. Clara takes photographs with her phone.
"Wow!" Artie shouts.
"Smile! Say, Spacey Zoomer" Clara says.
"Look at us, Doctor, Seer. We're flying!" Artie says.
"Having a good time?" the Doctor asks, Porridge turns off the anti-gravity.
"I think that was the most fun I've had in my whole life."
"It was... ok" Angie says.
"Clara, I think outer space is actually very interesting."
"Right. Wonderful day out, Doctor and Seer, but time to get the kids home" Clara says, The Doctor and I are scanning with our sonic screwdrivers.
"Yeah. Er, no. Not actually ready to leave" I say.
"Why not?" Clara asks.
"We don't know. Reasons."
"What reasons?"
"Insects. Funny insects."
"I should add them to my funny insect collection," the Doctor says.
"You collect funny insects?"
"Yeah, I'm starting to, right now" the Doctor replies.
*Webley's room*
Angie and Artie are lying on the sofas, ready to sleep.
"How long do we have to stay here?" Angie asks.
"Not long. Have a nap. I'll wake you when we're ready to leave" the Doctor says.
"Comfy?" Porridge asks.
"Sleep well," Clara says.
"Good night," Porridge says, I turn the lights out as I leave. Clara, the Doctor and Porridge follow.
"Don't wander off. Now, I'm not just saying don't wander off, I mean it. Otherwise, you'll wander off and the next thing you know, somebody's going to have to start rescuing somebody" I say poking my head back into the room.
"From what?" Angie asks.
"Nothing. Nobody needs rescuing from anything. Don't wander off. Sweet dreams."
*Time skip*
Clara and Porridge walk together.
"Was this really the biggest amusement park in the universe?" Clara asks.
"Yeah. Hedgewick bought the planet cheap. It'd been trashed in the Cyberwars."
"Who were we fighting?"
"Cybermen. Technologically upgraded warriors. We couldn't win. Sometimes we fought to a draw, but then they'd upgrade themselves, fix their weaknesses and destroy us. It's hard to fight an enemy that uses your armies as spare parts."
"You beat them, though. Beat them or you wouldn't be here. How?"
"Look up there. That corner of the sky? What do you see?"
"Nothing. It's just black. No stars, no nothing."
"It used to be the Tiberion Spiral Galaxy. A million-star systems, a hundred million worlds, a billion trillion people. It's not there anymore. No more Tiberion Galaxy. No more Cybermen. It was effective."
"It's horrible."
"Yeah. I feel like a monster sometimes."
"Why?"
"Because instead of mourning a billion trillion dead people, I just feel sorry for the poor blighter who had to press the button and blow it all up."
"Clara, did you tell Angie she could go to the barracks?" I ask.
"You know I didn't. She hasn't."
"She's just gone in there."
"Come on."
*Barracks*
"So, tell me about the little bloke," the Captain says.
"Well, you must have seen him," Angie says.
"Angie! Angie!" Clara shouts as her, The Doctor and I enter.
"She always has to turn up and spoil everything. I wasn't doing anything. Why can't you just leave me alone?" Angie asks, there's a big crash, and a Cyberman enters.
"Cyberman!" the Captain shouts.
"Angie!" Clara shouts.
"Attack formation" the Cyberman moves faster than a blur while the platoon try to sort themselves out. A fat man runs forward whilst another man with a pony-tail grabs a chair. The fat man gets swatted aside "no! Attack formation, quickly" they start shooting at the Cyberman.
"Upgrade in progress."
"Angie!" Clara shouts the Cyberman moves through the group as if they are standing still and puts Angie over its shoulder, carrying her off "Angie!"
"Clara. Clara!" the Doctor drags Clara back.
"That was a Cyberman. But they're extinct" the Captain says.
"Listen to me. We will get her back" I say looking at Clara.
"Captain, a word, please. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I take it your platoon doesn't do much fighting" the Doctor says.
"What do you expect?"
"What?" Clara asks.
"We're a punishment platoon. It's why they sent us out here, so we can't get into trouble."
"Right, right, well, ok. As Imperial Consul, I'm putting Clara in charge" the Doctor says, he pins the Captain's insignia on Clara's jacket.
"Clara, stay alive until we get back, and don't let anyone blow up this planet" I say.
"Is that something they're likely to do?" Clara asks.
"Get to somewhere defensible."
"Where are you two going?"
"We're getting Angie, finding Artie and looking for funny insects. Stay alive. And you lot, no blowing up this planet!" the Doctor says as we leave.
*Webley's room*
"Artie?" the Doctor calls, I stop and grab his arm.
"We should split up." I say.
"What?"
"You know, it's a better chance at finding the kids."
"No," the Doctor says.
"Yes, and you know it's no use in trying to stop me. Catch you later yeah?"
"Yeah" I kiss him.
"I'll be fine, I promise" I run off spotting a mini-Cybermat along the and speaks to it.
"Firstly, if anybody's watching this, those children are under our protection. We're coming to get them. And secondly, little metal machine, you are beautiful" I sonic it into dormancy and pick it up "not even a Cybermat anymore, eh? Cybermites. Now, there's a local transmit link open to your home. If I can just find the frequency..."
*Cyberlab*
"Hey, that really shouldn't have worked," she says.
"Seer, help us."
"Angie? Artie?" both children are unresponsive "Webley."
"We needed children, but the children had stopped coming. You brought us, children. Hail to you, Seer, saviour of the Cybermen! As the battle raged between humanity and the Cyberiad, the Cyberplanners built a Valkyrie, to save critically damaged units and bring them here, and one by one, repair them."
"The people who vanished from the amusement park, they were spare parts for repairs" I say.
"We've upgraded ourselves. The next model will be undefeatable."
"Nothing's undefeatable."
"We needed children to build a new Cyberplanner. A child's brain, with its infinite potential, is perfect for our needs. But we no longer need the children. The Cybermites have been scanning your brain, Seer. It's quite remarkable."
"Also, completely useless to you. Cybermen use human parts. I'm not human. You can't convert non-humans."
"Well, that was true a long time ago. But we've upgraded ourselves. Current Cyberunits use almost any living components" Webley throws some Cybermites onto me. They get inside and I scream, I acquire some silver components on the left side of my face. I am now a split personality.
"Incorporated. Yes. Ah. Unfamiliar pulmonary set-up. Nervous system hyperconductive. Remarkable brain processing speed. Ho, ho. Amazing."
"Get out of my head!"
*Cyberiad*
I confront the Cyberplanner in cyberspace.
"Stop rummaging in my mind" I say.
"Just you try and stop me. Ooo, who's Clara. Why are you thinking about her so much? I thought you and the Doctor were a thing, how would he feel-"
"Enough."
"Fascinating. A complete mental block. Highly effective."
*Cyberlab*
"Relax, relax. If you just relax, you will find this a perfectly pleasant experience. You are being upgraded and incorporated into the Cyberiad as a Cyberplanner."
"Get out of my head!" I growl.
*Cyberiad*
"What is this place, a network? A hive? You're getting signals from every Cyberman everywhere. How many of you are there?" I ask.
*Cyberlab*
"Oh... this is brilliant. I'm so clever already, and now I'm a million times more clever. And what a brain. Not a human brain, not even slightly human. I mean, I'm going to have to completely rework the neural interface, but this is going to be the most efficient Cyberplanner. Not a great name, that, is it? I could call myself... Mrs Clever. So much raw data. Time Lords. There's information on the Time Lords in here. Oh, this is just dreamy."
*Cyberiad*
"Right, I'm allowing you access to memories on Time Lord regeneration" I say, the Cyberplanner starts laughing.
"Fantastic!"
"I could regenerate right now. A big blast of regeneration energy, burn out any little Cyberwidgets in my brain, along with everything you're connected to. Don't want to. You use this me up, who knows what we'll get next? But I can" I say.
*Cyberlab*
"Stalemate, then. One of us needs to control this head. We're too well-balanced."
"What did you say? No, no, no, no, no. I heard you. Rhetorical device to keep me thinking about it a bit more. Stalemate?"
*Cyberiad*
"We each control forty-nine point eight eight one percent of this brain. Point two three eight of the brain is still in the balance. Whoever gets this gets the whole thing."
"Do you play chess?" I ask.
"The rules of chess are in my memory banks. You're proposing we play chess to end the stalemate?"
"Winner takes all. Nobody can access that portion of the brain without winning the game" we shake on it.
*Cyberlab*
"You can't win."
"Try me."
"You understand, when I do win, the Cyberiad gets your brains and memories. All of it."
"When I win, you get out of my head, you let the children go, and nobody dies. You got that? Nobody dies!"
*Castle*
"Er, ma'am. Missy said she saw something, and then she went quiet."
"It's on its way, then. Weapons. Show me. Only one gun?" Clara asks.
"Cybermen have been extinct for a thousand years. Even one Anti-Cyber gun is a miracle. These things are hand pulsers. Touch the back of a Cyberman's head, the electromagnetic pulse deactivates it" the Captain says.
"What's this for? Just a mad guess here, it blows up the planet?" Clara asks.
"Implodes it. There's also a trigger unit."
"I'll have that, then. Is there any other way to activate the bomb?"
"It's set to respond to my voice. I have the verbal code."
"You will not activate it without a direct order from me."
"I will follow my orders."
"Your orders come from me, don't they?"
"You'll need to sign for that trigger unit, ma'am."
"Thanks" Porridge picks up a hand pulser.
"Mind if I take one of these? Might be handy."
"Help yourself. I'll teach you how to use it. Upstairs. Now!"
*Cyberlab*
The chess board is in place.
"There. That was easy. The game has just started. Seer, why is there no record of you anywhere in the databanks of the Cyberiad? Oh, you're good. Oh, you've been eliminating yourself from history. You know you could be reconstructed by the hole you've left."
"Good point. I'll do something about that" I reply.
*Cyberiad*
"The rules of chess allow only a finite number of moves, and I can use other Cyberunits as remote processors. You cannot possibly win."
"I can. I know things you don't. For example, did you know very early versions of the Cyber operating system could be seriously scrambled by exposure to things, like gold, or cleaning fluid? And what's interesting is, you're still running some of that code."
"Really. That's your secret weapon? Cleaning fluid?"
*Cyberlab*
"Nope, gold" I slap the golden ticket onto my implants "oh ho, ho! Like a charm. Right, you, Cyber Webley, and you kid things. I'll bring the chessboard. Let's get out of here" I say.