As I drive I keep glancing at the device. White noise: crackling, humming and scratching emanate from it – then silence.
Kade’s words come back to me, when he was going to throw the device away, “This is gonna be some grim listening; I really don’t see the value in hearing a woman’s violent death. Poor Maria, she was so good to us, she engineered our meeting.”
And I guess she did. I think back to the day Kade first approached me on the street. I was so horrified that a guy was hitting on me that I almost got killed running across the road. But even then: his bright, warm smile, kind eyes and confidence drew me to him. I remember the confusion I felt that day: I liked him, but hated myself for that fact.
Words seep from the device and distract me from the memmory, “Tanya, listen to me…” Maria’s sudden whispered words cause my foot to jolt the accelerator and the vehicle shunts forward alarmingly. I quickly regain control and reduce my speed. Her voice is hushed and filled with a fast flowing terror that surrounds me…“Go to the Change Range: Surgical suite 1. Amongst the specimens in the jars you will find a Black Box; the key to your future happiness is contained within this box.”
There is a pause and I can hear her heavy breathing then hacking, terrified tears. I take a deep breath and slow the vehicle until it crawls at a snails pace. Maria then seems to regain some composure and continues with her hushed and hurried words…“The contents of that Black Box are my gift to you, Tanya. Please act upon them. My life will soon be terminated and I want you to be happy. Some good has to come from my death.”
I pull into the side of the road, stop and pull on the break. I switch the headlights onto full beam and I note their light barely penetrates the blinding darkness that surrounds me – the many Disabling Devices and weapons I’m armed with give me little comfort when faced with this blackness.
Maria continues, her voice now so low that I have to pick up the device and hold it close to my ear…“They took me to The Sixth Zone. I’ve seen the horrors therein with my own eyes – you must believe in The Twin’s power and do all you can to prevent collected blood. Tanya – you can’t defeat them alone… ”
I pause the tape. Something about the way she says ‘alone’ resonates with me. It’s almost as if she knew what I intended to do.
Staring out into the darkness, I think about the ‘togetherness’ Kade and I shared. Through all the horror and mayhem we endured we always remained resolutely together: a solid, trusting team.
I quickly snap my self out of these nostalgic thoughts when I feel loneliness engulfing me again. I keep telling myself Kade will find happiness with the real deal – just like Kelly said.
I’m alone now. And I can do this alone – I’m strong.
I press play again and her voice raises several octaves to a howling screech… Oh no…she’s coming – GOD Help me! No – I beg you – please: No-No-No, please spare me, I beg you…” I slam the device off and throw it onto the passenger seat. The terror in Maria’s voice has chilled me to the bone and as Kade said, “there’s no value in listening to someone die.”
……
The thing is, I had planned on going to The Change Range, to make it my base while I unearthed what’s going on here and search for my parents. Of the three zones I know of, I know it best and will be confident that I can live there un-detected.
I’ve listened to the tape again and I believe it’s genuine. Maria’s words seem to come from a desire to help me. I remember her profound guilt at having worked for The Surgeon and how she wanted to make amends for her wrong- doing. As I drive toward The Change range, I’m confident that what’s contained in this Black Box is designed to help and not hinder me.
But I remain defensively cautious. As you know; this world is also full of traps. And if The twin’s devotees are waiting for me – I’m ready to take them on.
……
HOLY FUCK! A tree creature launches itself at my windscreen and explodes in an eruption of blood and guts, obscuring my view.
I stop and peer in close. The dolls head has cracked open and I see what looks like a sharp black beak surrounded by a wrinkled, leathery skin. The soft toy outer body has torn and split and I see a thin, wiry hand with a long-boney witch like middle finger. I’ve seen enough and slam on the wipers to get rid of the guts and viscera of this wretched creature.
……
I cruise into the entrance area of the Change Range. The floodlights are a welcome relief from the darkness giving me a surge of much needed reassurance.
I do a 360-degree check, ensuring no devotees or blood collectors are in the immediate area – luckily there are no shadows for them to lurk in.
The Disabling Devices and a Chain Whip dangle reassuringly from my belt as I walk toward Surgical Suite 1, carrying a baseball bat for extra measure.
The entrance code immediately comes back to me and I pump it into the panel. The lock pops open and I push the door, tentatively.
I peer inside, “Hello!” I shout – as the word is echoed back to me I realize how stupid that is, like it's not like someone's gonna say, "Oh hi Tanya, come on in and we'll enjoy a nice sacrifice."
I slide my hand inside and locate the light switch.
The light highlights the fact that this operating room, in which my gender reassignment was carried out, now serves as some kind of grotesque storeroom.
I enter.
The door slams behind me and I remain defensively taught as I scan the space.
Shelves stacked full of jars containing the most hideous creatures, suspended in a viscous fluid line the walls. I deliberately don’t linger on their contents, instead my eyes move toward a central table, which contains larger specimen jars containing all kinds of co-joined animals.
Then I see it, nestled in between this gruesome collection – the Black Box.
Staring at it, I’m hit with a sudden sadness that causes me to squat down and rest my head in my hands – I miss Kade so much.
He would instinctively know what to do here. I feel like I’ve lost a limb and I’m feeling a physical pain shoot through me.
I talk to myself out loud, “Pull yourself together, Tan!” But my words only add to my pain, because Kade was the only person who called me Tan.
……
The ice-cold water that I throw on my face shocks me back into some semblance of control and I walk toward the table containing the Black Box.
I find some surgical sheets and throw them over the jars to hide their horrors. A small silver key lies on top of the metal box. I take the key and pick up the box. It’s light. I shake it – something rattles inside.
Pulling up a chair, I sit down and nestle the box on my knee. Then a thought thuds me – what if something jumps out, onto my face! I wrap my face in a surgical sheet, leaving a small slit to peep through.
I shake it again – it feels like something boxy, not soft and creature like. Feeling slightly reassured I put the key in, turn it and feel the lock disengage. I open it a fraction. When nothing inside stirs – I open it fully.
What?
Its contents make no sense – I’m confused.
Maria’s words return to me…“the key to your future happiness is contained within this box.”
I remove the small cardboard box and stare at the familiar label: It’s a box of hormone pills.
Female hormones.
As I stare at the box, realization begins to course through me. I stopped taking female hormones a long time ago. I remember the horrible menopausal symptoms I experienced at the time.
Then I notice words on the inside lid of the Black Box – With the return of the male hormone, testosterone to your system, you will experience sudden intense periods of confusion, belligerence and driven compulsions. These will be difficult to deal with, both for you and the people around you. These behaviors and emotions etc, make going off of hormones as difficult as stopping any drug.
I catch sight of my reflection and see a pretty young girl. Yet a young guy courses through my veins.
Right here, right now, I have an epiphany – I need to fully transition and accept Tanya. I can be: the real deal.
With these hormones, I know what Maria was telling me: I have a future with Kade.
……
An urgency propels me – I have to get back before they notice I’ve left.
Before I go, I pop a pill then slam off the lights and race outside – where’s the vehicle?
It’s gone!
No, no, no. I have to get back.
A wave of anger against The Twins floods through me and I scream at the top of my voice, “I swear to God I will beat you deranged bitches – you have chose the wrong girl to mess with – trust me!” My words rip through the space, followed by an ominous, still silence.
Then a slow handclap from behind alerts me. I tense, turn and engage my disabling device, “That’s my girl, that’s the attitude I want to hear.”
It’s Kade!
Swollen, bandaged and wearing a neck brace, but it’s undoubtedly Kade. My heart leaps and the questions fall from me, “Where’s the transport? How’d you get here? Why’d you…”
…he cuts in, “I arrived before you, cos I knew you’d come here. I know how Kelly’s words affected you and how you’d react.” He points to the side of the facility, “I moved the car round the back, so it’s less visible to any prowlers who might want to harm me and my girl – and you know I’ll do all I have to, to protect us,” he says.
I literally cannot control my smile. Kade moves closer and I see his eyes are smiling also, “You look different,” he says.
“What, like bad different or good different?” I ask.
“Good different – a kinda confidence that I’ve not seen before. I like it, a lot.” He embraces me and whispers into my ear, his voice still soft and sore, “Don’t ever leave me again. I need you, especially right now – Kelly’s got worse, real, real bad. You need to come and see what she’s become; we don’t know what to do…”