I looked up at Eugene, his familiar eyes sadder than I've seen.
"I'm sorry," I said, and at that moment, I meant it more than anything. "I'm so sorry I cannot be with you."
I pulled my hand out of his, and then he stared at his empty hand for a moment before he suddenly turned around.
"Silas!"
Everyone's eyes were on the figure standing there and basking in Eugene's anger. His smug look confirmed it. Eugene raced to him, cane swinging back and forth to keep up with him.
"What have you done?"
"Why, you made a promise with her too?" Silas asked, hands behind his back, taking small steps towards Eugene. "Well, all I did was merely make an offer. Miss Shuyan here was the one who agreed and made a promise with me too."
"Liar!" Eugene screamed. "She wouldn't leave me! We promised!" He looked back at me helplessly, telling me to say that it all just a lie. I couldn't.
"If you don't believe me, then ask Tobias." Silas turned his body sideways, towards the only person still sitting at the table. Tobias.
His face was pasty, and his eyes averted.
"Tobias? Please tell me the truth," Eugene begged. "What happened? What is this promise Silas is talking about?"
"Eugene, calm down—" Tobias tried, but was cut off.
"I can no longer stay calm! How can you expect me to?" Eugene seemed larger and for once, no longer just someone labeled as disabled and orphaned, in need of protection or even the dark horse.
He was suddenly different.
"I've always stayed calm and forgiving, and tried to hold on to hope, from the day I lost my parents to the day I came to this house! But the day I fell from Mars it was not Silas that made me lose trust in people; it was you, Tobias!" Eugene's eyes were narrowed, his teeth bared and shoulders raised. It didn't feel like him.
Tobias didn't speak.
"And I knew—I knew you loved Shuyan too! But I pretended I couldn't see it," Eugene continued, "because I wanted you to remember your betrayal, to remember your guilt, and I wanted her! So why? Why would you—"
"She promised herself!"
Tobias stood up, hands on the table, head down.
I closed my eyes.
Please. Stop it.
"She promised herself, Eugene," Tobias whispered, "And if you had anyone to blame, it would be you."
I opened my eyes, and chills ran over my body.
Tobias was crying.
His beautiful, statue-like face, contorted into a pained face, no malice anywhere, despite Eugene's provocation. It hurt him just as much as it hurt Eugene.
"It was you, Eugene. You taught me love." Tobias held a hand to his face, and whispered, once again, "I didn't think I was capable of love. I didn't know, either, until that day."
"Tobias—" Eugene couldn't find it in him to continue. "I'm so sorry."
I looked at the two brothers, suddenly both aware of the audience and of themselves.
"Wondrous!"
We looked at Silas, who stood there, between the two, chin towards the chandelier and smiling proudly.
"Seems like the curse of Beardsley is true, after all! Generations after generations, fighting for the same girls, blood-related or not. What a pity. Father and Uncle Daniel were wrong, only Grandfather was right: the men of Beardsley do not need love, after all." He gestured to me. "After all, all they do is cause strife between brothers."
"Silas!" Beth roared. "You despicable man! You spawn of the devil!"
"Your brother, you mean."
"There is no strife," I whispered. "I am leaving."
"Yes, that is the plan."
"No!" Eugene looked at me. "Shuyan! Forget about the promise!"
I turned and began to walk, but a hand grabbed mine. I turned to see Augustin, frowning in a way I had never.
"Miss Shuyan! Please, won't you stay?"
Valentin followed behind, but I shook my head.
"Mister Silas will take never allow Master Eugene to be heir if I do not leave," I said. My voice came out strange. "My goal—no, our goal, has been achieved."
He slowly released my hand.
"I'll give up my place for heir!"
Eugene limped towards me, struggling with his walking stick, then tossed it down to grab my hand. The cane fell with a clammer and I pulled myself away.
"I don't want that!"
He reached out again, but I shrunk back from his touch.
Pain went over his face as I avoided his touch.
"You don't understand, Master Eugene." I looked at the faces of everyone in the room. "Didn't you see how the room light up when you were announced the heir? Didn't you hear their wishes and hopes of the the house of Beardsley being changed?"
Eugene shook his head slowly. "I know—I know, but—"
"Didn't you hear the letter?" I interrupted. "Didn't you hear the warmth in the words of Lord Adam Beardsley as he entrusted his house and title to you? The belief he had that you would not throw it all away for a mere maid?"
"You're not a mere maid!"
"I'm an awful person." I tightened my fists so my nails dug into my palm and I could find the strength to keep talking. "I had always planned on leaving you in the end, Master Eugene. This house was not suited for me, and you, too. I never believed in your naive words that we were equals."
I turned and caught Clo's eye, and she suddenly understood.
Remembered.
That night, and our talk that morning.
"No! That's not true at all!" she shouted, and shook her head frantically. "What I said that day wasn't true at all!"
"Clo?" Beth looked at her. "What do you mean?"
Clo continued to shake her head, her curls flying around before she spoke,
"You are right, Eugene is different from the other masters! I can tell today from all that he's done for you!"
"It's too late." I smiled sadly. I turned to Silas. "Is the carriage prepared?"
He smiled, despite the chaos in the room.
"Yes. Your luggage has been brought down by a footman too."
I nodded, then I left the room.
"Shuyan, don't go!" Eugene lunged forward, but Silas was there. He kicked away the cane that fell out of Eugene's hand. Eugene leaned the wall, still trying to push his way to me, but Silas held him back.
"Please!"
"Forget her! You are the heir now!"
I watched the two men struggle, their hair flying about and Eugene reaching an arm out in despondence, and I was stuck for a moment, at the doorway.
Was this really what I wanted?
Then suddenly Phillip cleared his throat and looked at me.
"Go," he commanded.
I shut my eyes tight and turned around.
"Shuyan, I'll find you, one day," Eugene shouted after me. "I will never, ever, let you go! I will never let anything important escape my grasp again!"
I brought my hands to my face, wiping my eyes furiously, and ran down the stairs.
I've found my happiness, but I never imagined that one day I'd be leaving it, out of my own free will.
Wasn't this what I always looked for as a child? Someone who would notice me? Someone who would go to any length just for me?
So why was I leaving them, why was I hurting them?
I reached the side door, and was about to leave when I felt someone call my name behind.
"Shuyan!" It was a female voice.
"Shuyan!"
"Shuyan!" No, it was three female voices. Three female voices all too familiar to me.
I turned around to see Clo, Beth, and Rhiannon, falling all over each other as they steadied themselves and faced me.
For the first time I saw Clo no linger holding back her emotions, eyes wet, and her hair was in a mess, during her rush down the staircase to catch up with me.
Beth was in tears, angry tears, and I could already sense she was going to yell at me for keeping such a secret and planning on leaving them.
Even Rhiannon was pink from the running, and loose strands of hair was in her face. She looked sad, no longer wearing the mask she used to wear in front of us.
"Shuyan, don't you remember what I said?" Clo asked, no, begged, in that tone I've been hearing all day.
What she said?
"You can't live for anyone else, and no one can live for you!"
The tears were falling out, and I sobbed as she kept talking.
"You must live for yourself. You have to be happy, Shuyan. Why, just why won't you be happy?"
"You don't understand." I was the one talking in a broken voice now. "I am."
"What you said was right, Clo," I continued, when I saw she didn't understand. "I've grown too greedy: I want to be Eugene's wife, but I know I never can. At least by doing this, by leaving him, I can pretend that I once mattered to him and have done a great sacrifice."
"Oh," Rhiannon whispered. "Shuyan."
"So please, Clo, Beth, Rhiannon," I held Clo's hand in one hand, and Beth and Rhiannon's in another, "please let me pretend my dream has came true."
"I'm so sorry." Beth's hand was trembling in mine. "I never realized you have suffered so much. I was always too focused on myself to notice you."
"No, Beth," I said. "I wish you the best. You are a great friend, and I didn't want to hurt you by telling you I would leave you."
"It sounds like something you would do," Rhiannon said. Her eyes were on mine, gentle and understanding. "I want to thank you, Shuyan, for letting me find the confidence to talk to Olive again. I wish the best for you."
"Thank you, Rhiannon."
I looked at Clo. Only she was silent. I figured she would never forgive me, so I continued.
"Leaving Matheus and Rudy will hurt, too, and Mister Kupka, Otis, and the rest," I whispered. "But I'm ready. Tell them I'll think of them everyday, as well as you, my first friends. I don't think I'm unhappy at all."
We lingered like that, fours girls of different colors, similar and yet different lives, but without a doubt, friends. It reminded me of the many times we stood in the doorway after dinner, gossiping, Clo having a cigarette, or me eating some cookies.
The memories flowed and I knew if I stayed a moment longer I'd be trapped, so I let loose of their hands and ran out of the back door.
"Shuyan!"
It was Clo.
I turned around, and I saw her smile, for the first time.
"You better live for yourself, even if it's somewhere without us! I'll be making sure!"
I laughed, and I started crying too—although it was out of relief.
"Of course."
She turned around, and Beth brought up her arm and waved dramatically. Rhiannon leaned on the doorway and crossed her arms. I tried to burn the image into my mind. A beautiful portraits of three girls.
Outside there was a carriage, black from top to bottom, waited for me. A footman there opened the door and then hoisted me up. He slammed the door shut before I even had a chance to gather my skirts in, but I suppose it suited me: I was a prisoner, not a lady, after all.
"The girl's in the carriage! You can leave!" he shouted to the coachman.
"Got ya! Tell Mister Silas I'll bring her to the place!" another rough voice replied.
The horses neighed and started to moved, and then the carriage followed, moving up and down among the cobblestone path. I rested my head next to the curtained window, peering at what little light peered through, and thought of Eugene.
That day I told him how much his words touched me, and the light was like today's, shining through the fabric and from behind him like a halo, and then he smiled and said,
"Thank you, Shuyan. If I have made a single person happy, I'm glad I was born."
If only I could've made you happy too, Eugene, I would've been glad I was born.
I love you.