Chapter Soundtrack - Chapter 20: "Run" by Snow Patrol AND "Breathe Again" by Sara Bareilles
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It should have been easy for me to fall asleep that night. Though I hadn't been able to see or talk to Gabe, I knew he would recover. Relief from that knowledge let exhaustion to seep into my bones, weighing me down to the point where I practically collapsed onto my bed once I got home, only to stay awake and wonder what was going through Gabe's mind. My heart and my brain were finally in sync and both were warning me that there could still be casualties of Gabe's shooting. Just not the physical kind.
I fully intended to head straight to the hospital the next morning, but as I was brushing my teeth, I received a text from Gabe. My heart soared. He still loved me, and he too couldn't go very long without some kind of communication. But my heart quickly plummeted once I read his message.
It was only two words, cold, detached and to the point.
Stay home.
I took a deep breath and swallowed my tears as I texted back.
Why don't you want to see me? I love you. I need to be with you.
I waited for his response, already foreseeing what his excuses would be for me to stay away. The press was swarming the hospital, and his father would have arrived by now. My phone vibrated in my hand and I read his response, starting to shake.
You don't belong here.
My heartbreak started to give way to anger.
I belong with you, always. And if you think you can keep me away with a few words, than you don't know me. Or how much I love you.
I closed my eyes, praying that telling him again that I loved him would break through whatever guilt was causing him to push me away. But his next text nearly shattered me.
You won't get past security.
I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. They fell fast and furious as I crawled back into my bed and silently cried, wondering when this nightmare would end. I would wonder for the next three weeks. Though Gabe was hell-bent on keeping me away, I didn't give up. I called and texted him everyday. He never answered my phone calls and rarely responded to my texts. His messages were always the same. Always telling me to stay away. Always ripping my heart into tiny pieces that I was having trouble putting back together as each day passed.
I took a chance one day and called the hospital, asking for Francesca. Luckily she was there and answered my call from the nurse's desk. I asked about Gabe and she assured me he was healing beautifully and would be released soon. The real reason I had called her was to ask about my necklace. She hesitated before answering, saying it wasn't with Gabe's personal belongings. But her brief pause gave her away and I knew Gabe had told her to lie to me.
He knew me so well. Knew I would call to ask about the necklace. Knew I would be bursting to come see him once he was released from the hospital, therefore making it clear I wasn't to come to his home. But did he know the anguish and despair I felt at not having seen him for so long? Did he know that I was living each day just going through the motions, barely registering taking my finals, walking up to the stage to receive my diploma during graduation, faking smiles for my customers at Robertson's, as well as my friends and family?
The Valente's had kept their promise to keep my name out of the press, and so only my parents, Nathan and Gretchen knew I was even there. Though I wouldn't have cared if people knew I was with Gabe, I was thankful I didn't have to answer questions or suffer through the pitying looks I surely would have received.
It was Friday night and I had an hour to go before closing. I had just finished ringing up a customer and watched them leave, hoping time would pass quickly so I could just go home and escape into a story. Since there were no other customers in the store I headed to the back room to check my phone, foolishly wishing for a text from Gabe. As I entered the back room I immediately felt....something. The air seemed to be buzzing with a hot intensity. I stilled, instinctively knowing the cause. I closed my eyes, took a long deep breath and slowly turned. When I opened my eyes, there he was. Standing by the door that led outside. I nearly wept at the sight of him and barely restrained myself from running and hugging him to me. He was wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. His hair was in its usual perfect disarray and I ached to run my fingers through it. As we stared at each other, I noticed the dark circles under his eyes. It seemed insomnia was one thing we had shared in our time apart.
"Hi," I said quietly, trying to keep my emotions from overflowing into the space between us.
"Hey," he responded, his eyes betraying nothing of what he might be thinking. He was distant, and he was doing it on purpose.
Once again, warning bells went off in my brain, louder than ever before. I took a few steps toward him. He didn't move a muscle. "How are you feeling?" I whispered.
"I'm fine," he said. He must have noticed a look of disbelief on my face so he continued. "Seriously, it's pretty much healed. I'm walking and driving on my own. Don't worry." His voice was quiet and even.
I scoffed lightly. "If you didn't want me to worry, then you should have let me see you. I can't believe you kept me away. How could you do that?" I asked, swallowing the tears that had been a regular side effect of my painful time away from him.
He winced, quickly closing his eyes before looking at me again and responding. "I did that for you. I've already put you through enough," he explained. Guilt clouded his eyes, breaking through the mask he had been wearing from the moment I had turned around.
"This wasn't your fault, Gabe," I said firmly.
The guilt quickly transformed into rage. "Of course this was my fault, Athena. I know it, your family knows it, and you know it too, you just don't want to let yourself believe it."
"You're wrong," I said, tightening my hands into fists to keep from screaming. Not Gabe. I had heard this from everyone else, but I couldn't stand to hear it from him. "We don't know who the shooter was or who they were aiming for. Don't make assumptions."
He started laughing. "Athena, you're the smartest person I know. Start using your head. I may not have seen the shooter, but I know who the target was."
"How could you possibly know that?" I responded. "Drive by shootings happen every day for a hundred different reasons."
"But this drive by shooting happened because of one reason," Gabe said, his hands forming into tight fists as well. He was also trying to keep his emotions in check. "If you had been at the prom like you were supposed to be, none of this would have happened."
"I don't accept that. I can't!"
"You don't have a choice," he declared. "This isn't some fantasy in one of your books. There's no happy ending here. There's only reality and it's time we both started living in it."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, my lips trembling.
He stretched his hands and finally took a few steps towards me, looking me directly in the eyes. "You know what it means," he said quietly.
"No, I don't," I responded furiously. "You're gonna have to spell it out."
He sighed. "Athena, please don't make this harder than it has to be."
I took his hand into mine. "It doesn't have to be hard at all. It can be really easy. Once you've fully recovered, we'll move forward with the plans we made," I said, forcing myself to grin at him, desperately hoping he would agree with me.
"You know we can't do that," he said sadly.
"Why?" I asked, on the verge of losing it.
He squeezed my hand before releasing it. "Because I live in a dangerous world."
"We all live in a dangerous world, Gabe," I pointed out.
"Mine is more dangerous. When bad things happen in your world, Athena, they're unexpected and rare, but violence and death are fixtures in mine. They're not only expected, but demanded. It's just how it works and I will not allow you to be a part of it. If it's the last thing I ever do, my world will never hurt you again."
"First of all, I wasn't the one who was hurt. And second of all, I still don't see how this means we can't go on with our plans," I said. "You told me at the ball you weren't going to follow through with the deal you made with your father."
He shook his head, laughing to himself. "I was a fool to think I could ever escape him, Athena," he remarked. "And it was incredibly mean of me to make you believe it was a possibility. That night at the library, when you said it would be better to just end things before they went any further, you were right. I should have never continued to pursue you after that moment. That was the biggest mistake of my life."
"So being with me was a mistake?" I asked shakily, looking at him in shock. "Everything we said and felt, you wish it had never happened?"
"If wishing it never happened means you wouldn't have had to live through that night, then how can I not wish it?" he retaliated, his voice barely audible.
"I can't believe you're doing this," I whispered, desperately trying to hold back the tears forming in the back of my eyes.
He glanced at my face and then looked away. "It's the only way," he said tersely, turning his back as he moved towards the door.
Unfortunately I lost the battle and hot tears streamed down my cheeks. He was pulling away from me at a quickening speed and suddenly my world was shifting, everything out of place and distorted. It wasn't lost on me he was no longer calling me goddess. Piece by piece, he was removing himself and anything that would remind me of him from my life. I had to try to hold on to whatever I could. I couldn't let every piece of him just desert me.
"Where's my necklace?" I demanded, wiping away the wetness from my cheeks. I could see his back stiffen, but he didn't turn to face me.
"Your necklace?" he asked, his words void of any kind of emotion.
"You know what I'm talking about," I said. "It was in your hands when you were taken to the hospital and I asked your mother but she said it wasn't with the rest of your personal belongings. You have it. I know you have it."
"You're wrong."
"Don't lie to me!" I cried. "I want it back."
He spun around on his heel. "Like I said, I don't have it. It probably got lost at the concert venue," he said angrily. "And it's just a necklace, Athena. There are more important things to think about."
"Oh, so what are you trying to do now? Are you trying to make me hate you? Do you think it will make it easier for me to let you go?"
He chuckled scornfully, nodding his head up and down. "You know, I had originally planned to use that tactic. I was going to come here and show you a side to me you've never seen before. A cruel and darker part of me. I thought if I was a real bastard to you, then you could just put all of this behind you and move on quicker."
"Then why didn't you?" I asked haughtily.
He paused for a moment, his eyes now filling with an emotion I knew all too well. "Because I love you," he revealed quietly. "I love you so much I would do anything to make sure you're safe. I realized the truth about why I was doing this would be the best way to make you see that it's the best decision for everyone involved."
"How can a decision which keeps us apart be the best one, Gabe?"
"Because it's the only decision that keeps you alive for the longest time possible," he responded. "And it's the only decision I can live with."
"Well, it's a decision I can't live with," I shot back. "That I won't live with."
"You don't have a choice, Athena."
"Of course I have a choice. This decision affects me as much you. It's only fair I should get to have a say," I argued.
"If you were thinking rationally, then maybe I'd agree with you, but I think we both know you're not looking at the situation clearly."
"Don't insult my intelligence, Gabe," I fired back. "Look, I know the life you come from is dangerous. Your mother filled me in on what my life would be like if I stayed with you."
"What?" he hissed. From the look on his face, I guessed his mother hadn't shared the details of our conversation in the waiting room.
I sighed. "She wanted to make sure I thought about what the consequences could be if I decide to live my life with you."
"If anyone would know, it would be my mother," he said, running a hand through his hair. "What else did you talk about?"
"We didn't talk for very long," I told him. "Only long enough for her to tell me something similar to what you're saying right now."
"My mother is a smart woman," he said, starting to turn towards the door again. "You should listen to her."
"She may have been trying to make me leave you, Gabe, but more than that I think she just wanted me to be sure I could live with my decision in the future," I clarified. "But I've been sure about you since the beginning, even when I didn't want to admit it. You can't give up on us now."
He paused, his back to me. "I'm not giving up, Athena. I'm waking up. For the first time in months I see things for what they really are and not the way I want them to be. In time, you will too."
"This is crazy! Gabe, I love you. Don't do this," I pleaded.
"Do you think I want to?" he asked, looking back at me. "It's taking everything in me not to grab you and hold you in my arms."
"That's all I've been waiting for you to do. I missed you." I breathed, a flare of hope rising in me at the sight of longing in his eyes.
He turned his gaze away from me. "I need to go," he finally said.
"No!" I said, holding back the sobs in my throat. "You know we won't be able to stay away from each other. I'll come to see you, even if you tell me not to."
"I won't be here," he replied evenly.
"What do you mean you won't be here?" A numb and hallow feeling started to form in the pit of my stomach.
He stopped moving. "My mother and I are leaving Sparrow with my father."
His words were like an avalanche, burying me in pain and desperation. "When?" I finally whispered.
He hesitated before answering. "Soon."
"Fine," I said, a determined edge to my voice. "Then as soon as I can, I'll fly to New York."
He quickly swiveled to face me, growling as he grabbed both of my arms and pushed me against the wall, his face centimeters from mine. Although his fingers were gentle, I could feel the force behind his grip. His eyes were dark and filled with frustration. "Don't you get it, goddess?" he said frantically, his eyes now filled with the anguish and pain he had been hiding. "I wasn't the target!"
"That's what I've been trying to say," I said, wishing I could raise my hands to touch him, but he had my arms pinned to the sides of my body.
"No, damnit! Stop pretending you don't know what I mean. Think about those few seconds before I was shot. Replay them in your mind," he commanded.
"Why?" I cried.
"Because. I. Wasn't. The. Target."
I stared at him, my breaths quickening as I remembered those moments I had tried so hard to erase from my mind. My body sank against the wall as I acknowledged what he was trying to tell me. What I had already known but hadn't allowed myself to believe.
"I turned," he whispered, his hands now cradling my face. "The only reason I was shot instead of you was because I turned right before the shooter pulled the trigger."
Silent tears slid down my cheeks, only to be gently wiped away by Gabe's fingers.
"I will always be thankful that it was me instead of you, but the point is you should have never been in that situation in the first place. I could have easily been the one to watch you fall to the ground and taken to the hospital. I could have watched you be buried in the ground and I can't.....I can't live with any more blood on my hands," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion.
I could hear the pleas behind his words for me to understand and give in to what he was asking, but I couldn't let him go. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath before looking at him again. "I appreciate that you think you're doing what's best for me, but you're making a mistake."
"The only mistake I've made is living this lie for so long," he said.
"What we feel isn't a lie, Gabe. It's the only true thing in this world I've ever known," I revealed.
"The lie was me thinking I could have a normal future."
I'm not sure if I really meant what I said next. All I know is I would have said anything to make him stay, no matter how foolish or naive. "You can," I reassured him. "If you really want to, you can. And even if you can't, I don't care. I want to be with you no matter what."
He stared at me, his eyes widening in shock at my statement. "I don't," he replied matter-of-factly, his stare never wavering from mine.
"What?" I whispered, starting to shake as I quickly saw in his eyes that my statement had monumentally backfired on me.
"You heard what I said. And in case you've forgotten, we had a deal. If one of us wants out, the other has to respect that decision."
I laughed sarcastically. "Actually, in case you've forgotten, that was my condition. And as I recall, you didn't like it very much."
"Well, I'm changing my mind. I want you to promise me that once I'm gone, you will leave all of this in the past and move on with your life."
"I won't make a promise I know I'll never be able to keep. We had plans, remember?"
"It's time to make new plans, Athena," he said solemnly, his hands sliding down from my face to my upper arms.
I took his face into my hands and pulled it next to mine. Surprisingly, he didn't resist. "What's the point of making plans if we're not going to make them together?"
"Fine, let's make them together," he replied. "Here's how your life is going to go: you're going to go to a great university. Then you'll carve out a career for yourself in the publishing world, or as a bookstore owner, but I'm kind of leaning towards the book editor choice," he said, giving me a hint of a grin. "Then, you'll meet someone and ..."
"Stop. Please," I pleaded. I didn't think my heart could handle anymore.
He continued as if I had never spoken. "You'll meet someone and get married. And there will be kids," he said softly. "Little girls with your beautiful brown eyes. Once your kids are grown, you and your husband will grow old together. The end."
"No," I cried again. "The only way that's going to happen is if you're the person I grow old with. Otherwise, the end of those plans is now."
He shook his head, clearly frustrated by my stubbornness.
A doorbell sounded through the bookstore.
I sighed, now frustrated myself at the incredibly horrible timing. "I have a customer," I said regretfully.
"It's fine. There's really nothing more to say," he said, starting to move away from me.
I tightened my hold on his face. "Yes, there is! This is not our ending, do you hear me? Our story will not be a tragedy!"
"Athena..."
"Meet me at the cabin tomorrow at noon. Please, you kept me away for so long. You can't just expect a five minute conversation to be enough time to talk through everything," I said in a rush, knowing I didn't have much time before I would have to go and attend to the customer out front.
He looked at me wearily, then looked down before responding. "Okay."
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Okay," I repeated, smiling for the first time in what seemed like years. I moved to kiss him, but he jerked back, causing my hands to slip away from him. I stared at him with a questioning look. As he stared back, I could see him warring with himself, his jaw tightening.
I thought I heard him whisper something that sounded like just once, but I couldn't be sure as he snatched me so quickly away from the wall and crushed me to him, his lips feverishly pressed to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pushed closer to him as he deepened the kiss, his hands in my hair. The taste of him was like an electric bolt through my entire body, everything starting to come alive again. I held on when he tried to push away. Regretfully, my strength was no match for his.
He removed my hands and moved his mouth away from mine, his face remaining close.
I leaned my forehead against his, breathing heavily. "I'll see you tomorrow," I said, looking him straight in the eye, hoping he could see the determination, the understanding, and most importantly, the love in my eyes. I thought I saw a hint of a nod before he placed the palms of his hands on each side of my face.
As he stared at me, I could see a slight sheen in his eyes. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he said, slightly chuckling as he shook his head as if in disbelief. "And I want you to know that no matter what's coming for me in my life. No matter how much time passes. No matter where I go or how many people I meet, I will never lay my eyes on anything more beautiful. And I love you, Athena. With every part of me. In every possible way."
I let out a shaky breath as he gently traced the length of my face with his fingers. Then he was gone.
I allowed myself thirty seconds to regain my composure before walking back out to the front of the store. As I made my way to the customer, I tried to convince myself that everything would be okay. That Gabe and I would talk more tomorrow. And that what just took place wasn't our final goodbye, even though it had painfully felt like it.
The next day I practically ran to the cabin, ignoring everything that told me Gabe wouldn't be there. Especially the absence of his car in the parking area. I came to a grinding halt at the door and hesitated. "He'll be here," I whispered to myself. "Please be here." I wrapped my hand around the doorknob, closed my eyes and pushed open the door.
What greeted me on the other side wasn't Gabe, but instead a glaring announcement of his departure from my life. I stood in the doorway in shock as I took in the stark white sheets covering practically every piece of furniture. As my eyes wandered around the cabin, memories of our time together here intermixed with the vacant and lonely images I was taking in now.
I took long deep breaths and tried to calm my shaking arms. Slowly, I took a few steps forward and immediately noticed two books on the wooden table in front of the couch. I quickly rushed over and sank onto the cushion now blanketed by a white sheet.
One of the items was Gabe's sketchbook. I gently brushed my fingers along the cover before gingerly picking it up, hoping that he had left me atleast one remnant of our time together. That I would have the sketch of our home he had shown me less than a month ago. But in my heart I knew it wouldn't be there, and as I turned the pages, I started to become nauseous. They were all stark white. Not only had the image of our future home been torn out, but Gabe had removed all of his other sketches as well. I set the sketchbook back on the table and placed both hands on my legs, trying to steady myself.
After a moment I glanced down at the other book. A Tale of Two Cities. My lips formed a small smile as I picked it up. Charles Dickens was one of my favorite authors. I noticed a thin black bookmark inserted in between the pages. I carefully opened it to the section it was saving. As my eyes scanned the pages, I noticed a passage had been underlined:
"My last supplication of all, is this; and with it, I will relieve you of a visitor with whom I well know you have nothing in unison, and between whom and you there is an impassable space. It is useless to say it, I know, but it rises out of my soul. For you, and for any dear to you, I would do anything. If my career were of that better kind that there was any opportunity or capacity of sacrifice in it, I would embrace any sacrifice for you and for those dear to you. Try to hold me in your mind, at some quiet times, as ardent and sincere in this one thing. The time will come, the time will not be long in coming, when new ties will be formed about you- ties that will bind you yet more tenderly and strongly to the home you so adorn- the dearest ties that will ever grace and gladden you. O Miss Manette, when the little picture of a happy father's face looks up in yours, when you see your own bright beauty springing up anew at your feet, think now and then that there is a man who would give his life, to keep a life you love beside you!"
He said, "Farewell!" said a last "God bless you!" and left her.
I sat frozen, hot tears spilling out of my eyes as I finally started to see what I had refused to acknowledge these last few weeks. Gabe had decided to sacrifice our future, and although I knew it was out of his love for me, it was a reality that I feared I would never come to terms with, no matter the length of time.
But Gabe had been writing the end of our story from the moment he had been shot. And as I re-read the words he had left for me and looked around at the sheets now hiding all of our happy moments together, I realized that this is what he wanted and needed me to see.
This was our last chapter.