EVERY time Exequiel sees Blaire hurting, he is also hurting. Parang doble ang sakit na nararamdaman niya pero alam niyang pakiramdam lang niya iyon because nothing can compare to the pain that Blaire's feeling. He's in no place to compare his pain to Blaire's pain.
He's patiently waiting for Blaire to finish her therapy session. Nasa labas lang siya ng office ng psychologist ni Blaire at nakaupo sa couch. Tanging siya lang at ang sekretarya ng psychologist ni Blaire ang nasa labas ng kuwarto.
It's quiet. Very quiet.
"So, this is her last?" biglang dinig ni Exequiel na tanong sa kanya ni Kristine, ang sekretarya ng doktor ni Blaire.
"Her doctor told her that it's time for her to deal with her past on her own and she knows that Blaire's ready," sagot ni Exequiel.
Sa totoo lang, nag-aalala pa rin siya. He was there when Blaire broke down after seeing Xavier visit her in her own restaurant. Blaire's friends—Carlo, Reneth, and Zandro—and her staff saw her broke down as well.
Exequiel looked at Blaire with worry in his eyes nang makapasok ulit ito sa kusina. Kasama ni Exequiel ang mga kaibigan ni Blaire, ang kitchen crew nito, at ang mga staff ng restaurant nito na mga nag-aalala rin para kay Blaire.
"Devan?" banggit niya sa pangalan ng dalaga, but she didn't budge.
Napahawak naman si Reneth, na kasalukuyang buntis sa anak nito kay Zandro, sa braso niya. Ramdam ni Exequiel ang takot kay Reneth dahil sa nakikita nila sa kanilang harapan. He also knows that everyone who's looking at Blaire is scared and worried.
Who wouldn't be scared and worried when she looks as if she's almost dead?
"Everyone, out," maawtoridad niyang utos sa lahat habang nakatingin pa rin sa mga mata ni Blaire. There was not a second that he took his eyes off Blaire.
He knows that Blaire needs time for herself alone. He knows that the only way for her to come back and not have those cold, dead, and blank eyes again is for her to be alone.
Sinunod ng lahat ang kanyang utos. Nakita pa ni Exequiel na tumigil muna saglit sila Reneth, Zandro, at Carlo sa tabi ni Blaire bago tuluyang lumabas. But Blaire didn't do anything, she was only looking at Exequiel's eyes.
And then, there were only the two of them left inside the huge kitchen.
Fuck, isip ni Exequiel.
Silence enveloped them pero nanatiling magkatinginan lang sila—mata sa mata. Exequiel's brave enough to stare at those cold, blank, and dead eyes of the woman he loves. He's not scared, he's worried. And he can feel the pain crawling inside of him because the woman he loves is hurting so much inside.
Exequiel walked closely to Blaire. He grabbed both sides of her arms.
"I'll come back," sabi ni Exequiel kay Blaire.
Wala siyang narinig na sagot mula kay Blaire, but he let go and left her alone inside the kitchen.
"E-Exequiel," tawag ni Reneth sa kanya pagkalabas na pagkalabas niya ng kusina.
"It's better to leave her alone," sagot ni Exequiel. "She's going to be fine. She has to be fine," dagdag ni Exequiel.
Naiiyak na tumango-tango si Reneth. Naiiyak ito dahil nahihirapan at nasasaktan ang kaibigan nito at mas pinili ng kaibigan nitong sarilihin ang lahat. How can someone be so selfish and so stupid at the same time? A person doesn't deserve to experience all of that pain alone.
Naiinis si Reneth kay Blaire dahil sinarili nito ang lahat. Naiinis siya dahil mas pinili nitong umalis no'ng araw na iniwan nito si Xavier. Naiinis siya dahil mas pinili nitong manahimik at magpanggap na masaya.
Blaire doesn't deserve to experience it all alone, but she's too selfish to let the people around her experience the same pain.
Gustung-gustong sakalin ni Reneth si Blaire dahil ang damot nito, but she understands Blaire's reasons. She understands that Blaire didn't want anyone else to get hurt and experience the same pain dahil alam nito sa sarili nito kung ga'no iyon kahirap.
That's how protective Blaire is of the people who are important to her. Mas gugustuhin nitong ito na lang mismo ang masaktan kaysa ang mga taong nakapaligid sa kanya.
Pero gaya nga ng sabi ni Reneth, no person deserves to experience all that pain alone.
Nananatiling nakatingin si Exequiel sa pintuan ng kusina. Lahat sila nakatingin lang doon. Halos kalahating oras na rin ang lumipas. Pero sa tagal nilang tahimik at nakatingin lang sa pintuan, lahat sila'y naalerto at mas nag-alala nang marinig nila ang malakas na pagbagsak ng baso sa kitchen table sa loob ng kusina.
"Exequiel, please, check on her," pakiusap ni Reneth kay Exequiel.
The past had so much impact on Blaire that it led her into becoming this other person—someone who looks almost as if she's dead inside at wala nang maramdaman, and when she's alone, doon ito sumasabog na para bang hindi na nito kayang itago ang lahat-lahat.
Everyone thought Blaire's okay, pero nagkamali sila.
As for Exequiel, he knows Blaire was never really fine. Pa'nong hindi niya malalaman iyon eh kilalang-kilala niya si Blaire Devan?
Pumasok si Exequiel ng kusina at natigilan siya nang makita ang kasalukuyang estado ni Blaire.
His heart broke into a thousand pieces again at the sight of the woman he loved and cared for for years, who's always seen smiling and strong, now, sitting on the kitchen looking so miserable and keeps on punching and punching her left chest.
Parang hirap na hirap din itong huminga.
However, Exequiel didn't see any tears.
Agad na lumapit si Exequiel. He didn't care kung umupo man siya sa sahig ng kusina. Mabilis niyang hinapit si Blaire sa kanyang katawan. Hinalikan niya ang ibabaw ng ulo nito at hindi niya napigilang bumuntong-hininga.
"Cry," utos ni Exequiel.
Blaire shook her haid and continued punching her chest and controlling her breathing.
"I hate seeing you like this," bulong ni Exequiel.
"I'm sorry," dinig ni Exequiel na bulong ni Exequiel. "I'm sorry...Xavier, I'm sorry," bulong nito ulit.
Hindi nagsalita si Exequiel.
Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali ay nagsalita si Exequiel. "We'll go away for a while. We'll go away—far from where we are right now, and we will find a way to ease the pain, hmm?" sabi ni Exequiel pero hindi siya sinagot ni Blaire.
"Devan, please, don't stop yourself from crying," sabi ni Exequiel pero umiling si Blaire sa kanya at patuloy lang sa pag-control ng paghinga nito at pagsuntok sa dibdib nito habang nakahilig ang buong katawan sa katawan niya.
"However miserable you feel, remember that it will pass. But don't ever think, even for a second, you shouldn't show them. You're not helping yourself if you don't," paalala ni Exequiel kay Blaire.
"I'm not stopping my tears, Exequiel...There are just no tears," nahihirapang sagot ni Blaire.
He feels so useless every time Blaire breaks down because he can't do anything to take away the pain. Pero he always makes sure that whenever he feels and thinks that Blaire is not okay, he is there. Gusto niyang nando'n siya sa tuwing nararanasan nito ang gano'ng kabigat na sakit.
Blaire's breakdowns happened a lot in the past years, and Exequiel was always there.
They never really talk about it after Blaire's breakdown.
It happened a lot that Exequiel wasn't able to keep count of the number of times that he wished so damn hard na matapos na ang sakit, lungkot, at galit sa sarili na nararamdaman ni Blaire. Hindi na rin niya mabilang kung ilang beses na niyang narinig na umiyak si Blaire, alam man ng dalaga na nasa paligid lang siya o hindi.
Damn, I'll do whatever it takes to make her feel okay again, isip ni Exequiel.
He hates himself for having done nothing but to offer his arms for years. But he won't stop. He will continue to do so until he hears and sees her genuine laughter and smiles that he loves so much, and until she's finally free again.
That wasn't the first and last time Blaire broke down because of Xavier after two years of not seeing and having contact with each other.
Blaire broke down the night she went home from Xaviell's birthday party and found out that Xavier is already in a relationship with an angel-looking woman, who even asked Xavier to give Blaire a shawl for the cold.
Hindi ito kumakain nang maayos after that night. Nagbabad din sa gym si Blaire no'ng mga araw na iyon. Walang ibang nagawa si Exequiel kundi ang ihabilin si Blaire kanila Reneth habang siya'y nasa trabaho at wala sa tabi ni Blaire para masiguradong kumakain ito sa tamang oras.
Blaire also broke down the day that Xavier's parents and brother came into her restaurant. Xavier's mother humiliated her and blamed her for everything that happened to Xavier—becoming miserable, almost dead, and destroyed.
Blaire also broke down in the damn fucking elevator of Xavier's company when Xavier asked her to come over his office for a business matter at bigla na lang nitong hiniling kay Blaire na sabihin na ang rason nito kung bakit siya nito iniwan.
Exequiel couldn't forget what he saw when those elevator doors opened. Pinuntahan niya talaga si Blaire sa kompanya ni Xavier dahil may nararamdaman siyang mali at malapit lang din naman ang business meeting niya roon. He started feeling worried when he didn't receive any replies nor calls from Blaire.
At ayun nga, saktong sa elevator na dapat na sasakyan niya'y nando'n si Blaire.
Nag-igting ang panga niya at agad siyang pumasok sa elevator. He immediately grabbed Blaire's body towards his and pressed the nearest button of the number he could reach in the elevator. Nang gumalaw nang kaunti ang elevator ay agad din niyang pinindot ang "Stop".
"Fuck, Devan. What happened?" nag-aalalang tanong niya sa dalaga habang hinahaplos-haplos ang ulo nito.
Umiyak lang ito habang nakasandal sa dibdib niya. There were tears. Real painful tears.
Maraming beses ang nangyaring pag-breakdown ni Blaire nang bumalik si Xavier sa buhay nito bigla-bigla at walang pasabi. And Exequiel was always there to make sure that Blaire, the woman he loves so much, is still with them.
He's so scared that he's going to lose her. Hindi niya kakayanin kapag nawala si Blaire. At alam niyang mas hindi kakayanin ng mga magulang ni Blaire na mawala ang anak ng mga ito.
Unti-unti na ring nalaman ng mga taong kilala nila ang nangyari kay Blaire. Everyone's hearts broke sa mga nalaman nila and they all wished they could've been there for Blaire, lalong lalo na ang mga kaibigan nitong sila Reneth, Zandro, at Carlo.
"She's strong," narinig ni Exequiel na sabi sa kanya ng sekretarya ng psychologist ni Blaire. "Sinabi rin sa'kin ni Doctor Gonzales kung ga'no katatag si Blaire for not giving up her life and for not choosing to leave sa kabila ng sakit na nararanasan nito," dagdag ni Kristine.
"She is," nakangiting sagot ni Exequiel. "She is strong."
"Buti lagi kang nandiyan sa tabi niya, Sir," nakangiting sabi ni Kristine. "People who have mental health issues should have a strong supportive figure or should have strong support from the people they love," dagdag ni Kristine.
"All I did was to be there. She did all the work," sagot ni Exequiel.
Ngiti lang ang naisagot ni Kristine sa kanya at bumukas naman ang pintuan ng opisina ng psychologist ni Blaire. Tumayo na si Exequiel para salubungin si Blaire na may maliit na ngiti sa mga labi nito nang makita siya nito.
She's still not okay, isip ni Exequiel. What happened while I was away?
Kababalik lang kasi niya mula sa Melbourne at nang makauwi siya'y isang Blaire na madalas tulala ang kanyang naabutan. Parang wala ito sa sarili kahit sa pagpasok nito sa trabaho.
"Done?" tanong ni Exequiel kay Blaire.
Tumango naman si Blaire sa kanya.
Ngumiti si Exequiel at hinapit sa beywang si Blaire bago halikan ang noo nito.
"Take good care of each other, Blaire and Exequiel," nakangiting sabi ni Doctor Gonzales sa kanilang dalawa. "The both of you did a good job after all those years," dagdag nito.
"We will, Doc," nakangiting sagot ni Exequiel sa doktor.
"Thank you again, Doc," may maliit na ngiting sabi ni Blaire sa doktora.
"So, what do you want to eat?" tanong ni Exequiel nang makababa siya ng kanyang sasakyan para makapasok na sa bahay niya. Liningon niya si Blaire at nakitang nasa loob pa rin ito ng kotse niya at tulala.
Bumuntong-hininga na lang si Exequiel habang nakapatong ang isa niyang kamay sa hood ng kotse niya at ang isa nama'y nasa ibabaw ng pinto ng kotse. Tatawagin niya sana ulit ito nang biglang may marinig sila matinis na boses.
"Mommy!" sigaw ni Lara habang tumatakbo palabas ng bahay.
Nakita naman ni Exequiel na nagmadaling lumabas si Blaire ng kotse niya at nakasimangot nitong sinabing, "Lara, don't run!"
"I'm sorry, Mommy," nakangusong sagot ni Lara kay Blaire at binuhat naman agad ito ng dalaga. "How are you, Mommy?" nakangiting tanong ni Lara sa "ina" nito.
Kailan lang naging malapit talaga si Lara kay Blaire. Nangyari iyon no'ng pinagluto ni Blaire sila Exequiel sa condo nito. Frustrated na frustrated si Lara noon sa nagulo nitong buhok at si Blaire at pinag-ayos ni Exequiel ng buhok ni Lara. Since then, lumambot na talaga si Lara para kay Blaire.
Nagsimula na rin itong tawagin si Blaire na "Mommy" dahil tama lang naman daw na Mommy niya si Blaire dahil siya raw ang Daddy nito at matagal na raw itong inaalagaan ni Blaire na parang anak ito nito.
Bumuntong-hininga ulit si Exequiel bago isarado ang pintuan ng kanyang kotse at pindutin ang susi niya at lapitan ang kanyang "mag-ina".
"Why do you always love to run to Mommy, Sweetie?" tanong ni Exequiel kay Lara.
"No more running," humahagikgik na sagot ni Lara.
"Right. No more running," natatawang sagot ni Exequiel bago halikan sa pisngi ang kanyang anak. "Let me carry her instead. Nabibigatan ka na," sabi ni Exequiel kay Blaire at kinuha niya si Lara mula rito.
Malamang ay nabibigatan si Blaire sa tuwing nagpapabuhat dito at binubuhat nito si Lara. May katabaan kasi ang bata at turning five years old na ito.
"What do you want to eat, Sweetie?" tanong ni Blaire kay Lara bago hawiin ang baby hairs nito sa noo. Hindi pa rin sila pumapasok ng bahay ni Exequiel at buhat-buhat pa rin ni Exequiel ang bata.
"Fruit sandwich!" masayang sagot ni Lara.
Exequiel and Blaire chuckled. Sa lahat kasi ng mga niluto ni Blaire para sa bata ay ang Fruit Sandwich niya ang nagustuhan nito. It's just white cream, slices of strawberries and banana, and some chia seeds in between two slices of white bread.
It's one of Blaire's methods para mapakain si Lara ng prutas na fortunately, nakasanayan na nito. The white cream she puts isn't very sweet anyway. Tamang-tama lang. Alam naman niya kasi kung ga'no ka-sensitive ang taste buds ni Lara na konting asin at asukal lang sa mga pagkain nito ay okay na.
"You have to eat something else first," nakangiting sagot ni Blaire kay Lara.
"Cake?" nakangusong sagot ni Lara.
"That fruit sandwich is also like cake, Sweetie. Hindi mo kami maiisahan ng mommy mo," natatawang sagot ni Exequiel sa anak bago nanggigil na pugpugin ng mga halik ang mga matatabang pisngi ng anak.
"Tsk. Exequiel, baka magka-rashes," sabi ni Blaire bago hawiin ang mukha ni Exequiel papalayo sa mukha ni Lara at haplus-haplusin ang mga pisngi ng anak.
"I don't have stubbles," sagot ni Exequiel kay Blaire.
"Kahit na 'no! Pumasok na nga tayo so we can feed this little devil," sabi ni Blaire at kiniliti niya ang matambok na tiyan ni Lara na naging dahilan para humagikgik ang bata.
"Little devil, Mommy?" tanong ni Lara.
"Oh, baby, kung hindi mo kasi naitatanong, your dad's the king devil," sabi ni Blaire at nang-aasar na nginitian niya si Exequiel na sinamaan naman siya ng tingin.
"Daddy, you're a king?" inosenteng tanong ni Lara sa ama.
"Yes, Sweetie. And you are my princess, and mommy's our queen," nakangiting sagot ni Exequiel.
"Mommy's queen!" masayang sigaw ni Lara.
"BA'T tulala ka?" tanong ni Exequiel kay Blaire.
Hindi sa condo umuwi si Blaire kundi sa sarili nitong bahay sa isang subdivision na malapit sa restaurant nito. Yes, Blaire owns her own house. Pinagawa niya ang bahay a month after the success of her restaurant in Silay noon.
Nagulat pa si Exequiel nang umuwi si Blaire sa bahay nito at hindi sa condo nito dahil mas madalas na umuuwi pa rin si Blaire sa matagal na nitong tirahan. Alam naman ni Exequiel na hindi maiwan-iwan ni Blaire ang lugar na iyon because the woman has a lot of happy memories with Xavier in that place.
Blaire's house is full of glass walls with automatic curtain and blinds. May mga halaman din sa loob at labas ng bahay.
It is a two-storey glass house with a living room, a huge kitchen that has a lot of modern cooking necessities, a dining room with a long table that can accommodate 16 people and two French chandeliers hanging on the ceiling, a backyard garden with two wooden swings and modern patio chairs and table, a garage for Blaire's two cars, one public bathroom, maids' quarters, two guestrooms with bathrooms, and the master's bedroom.
It was Blaire's dream house.
"Devan?" tawag ulit ni Exequiel kay Blaire nang hindi ito sumagot sa kanya.
Bigla pa ring natutulala si Blaire and Exequiel understands. Hindi naman magbabago ang lahat overnight 'no. Hindi naman dahil nakausap ni Blaire kahapon ang psychologist nito ay okay na ito ngayon.
Nagtatakang liningon siya ni Blaire at napailing na lang si Exequiel.
Inilapag ni Exequiel ang baso ng tubig sa harapan ni Blaire at ang isang paperbag na naglalaman ng scarf na binili niya para rito.
"What's this for?" tanong ni Blaire sa kanya habang tinitingnan ang laman ng paperbag at kinukuha at box mula roon.
"Just something I saw from a store and I thought it'd look great on you," sabi ni Exequiel at umupo siya sa tabi ni Blaire sa long couch sa living room ng bahay nito.
Binuksan ni Blaire ang orange na kahon at bumungad sa kanya ang isang folded pale rose-colored silk scarf.
"A scarf?" tanong ni Blaire sa kanya.
"Yes, Wife," nakangiting sagot ni Exequiel.
Nakita ni Exequiel na ngumiti si Blaire at inilabas nito ang scarf mula sa kahon. Blaire unfolded it and it was a 36" x 36" pale rose silk scarf. It was Hermès' Duels Oniriques Scarf 90 designed by Pierre Marie.
"Why?" nakangiting tanong ni Blaire.
"I know you're not a fan of scarves pero naisip kita bigla nang makita ko 'yan so, I immediately bought one for you," nakangiting sagot ni Exequiel. "Feeling better now?" dagdag ni Exequiel.
Exequiel chuckled when Blaire raised an eyebrow and asked, "Are you implying that I'm materialistic?"
"Hindi ba?" natatawang asar ni Exequiel kay Blaire.
Blaire chuckled and said, "Whatever. Thank you for this."
"Always. So, anong ginawa mo when I was gone? You seem tired," sabi ni Exequiel. Naglakas loob na siyang itanong iyon sa dalaga.
Nakita niyang natigilan si Blaire pero agad din nitong tinago ang kung anong emosyong nararamdaman nito at nginitian siya. Oh, Devan, you sometimes forget that you can't keep anything from me, isip ni Exequiel.
Exequiel laughed and stood up. "You don't have to lie to me, Devan. Pero kung ayaw mo talagang sabihin, so be it," nakangiti niyang sabi bago pumunta sa malaking kusina ni Blaire para gumawa ng kape.