c h a c e
"A week?" Rory's voice cracks and her eyes are impossibly wide after I explain the business trip my father planned for me. I've never seen her so unsettled. "Where did this come from? Why for so long? Can't I go with you? I can buy a laptop and take work with me." She pulls out her phone—probably to look at her banking app—with trembling hands.
"Rory." I press my palm over her fingers and force her hands back onto her lap. "Don't do that." He'd never let me bring you anyway.
She shimmies closer to my side of the bed until our legs touch. Panic burns in her eyes, but I can see her desperation to fight it. "That's such a long time."
"It's only seven days. We can do that, right?" Though the look on her face says exactly what I've been thinking. My confidence deflates with my shoulders. "I know. That's a long time for you. For us."
"Ever since we started dating, I haven't had to worry about not having sex." She holds her cheeks in her palms, and for the first time since she told me about her condition, I see it rear its ugly head. "I'm scared."
"You're strong. You did it without me for so long. This'll be nothing." Leaning my forehead against hers, I shut my eyes but that doesn't erase the truth. The truth being I'm also scared she'll have a difficult time coping under the right circumstances. "You've got Victoria and therapy. I have confidence in your recovery."
"What if I reversed the process when we started dating? Lately, I've been so unsure of myself and my path to recovery. I never have to worry about rejection with you."
"But it's not like it used to be, right? Things are better now. What we share is healthy and normal. It's not obsessive and impulsive."
She doesn't look at me. Her silence weighs too much. Was there something I missed? Something we've done that could have endangered her progress? It's not like I know what sex addiction looks like, but thanks to Tyler, I know what drug addiction entails. It's a sickness that latches onto you and destroys everything around you. It makes you hurt yourself and your loved ones. It's a painful illness that is not guaranteed to go away no matter how many times you try your best to eradicate it.
My heart lurches into a sea of pain. Tyler is there, empty and frail—thin, bruised, and beaten. His soul tattered. I've carried him from ERs to rehabs to the safety of my home. Watched his health for months on end. Watched the denial, the pain, the relapse.
I blink back tears and turn my head to the side. No. She's not like that. I'd be able to tell if something were wrong.
"Chace?"
"Whatever problems surface, we can fix it."
She bites her bottom lip and frowns. What's she thinking? Her eyes hold mine for a second, two, then three, until I'm lost in a world of brown. "You're right. I'm overthinking this. I was recovering before I met you, and things have been healthy between us. It's not about the lack of sex, but the obsession. It doesn't control me."
"Exactly. We control it."
She laughs like she's finally starting to believe it. I believe it. "A week is nothing. I'll miss you more than anything." She leans forward and wraps her arms around me. Nuzzling her face into my chest, she says, "Being without you is going to be so hard."
"I know." I rest my chin atop her head and return her embrace. "Seeing your face everyday has spoiled me. Didn't know how good I had it, now I'm gonna be lost."
"Will you be too busy to talk to me?"
"Never."
"What about-"
Tyler. So, he's on her mind as well. Not only will she be without me for a week, but she'll be with my brother. My stomach churns. Hold it in. I close my eyes. "As long as you're okay with it, I am. You're both adults. You won't burn down the house or anything."
"Of course not." She laughs, but it's weak and dishonest.
We both know the real reason he's on our minds. Neither of us will say a word.
"I trust you. You know that, right?"
"Yes. I trust you too. With all of my heart." She looks up with big eyes. "I know this whole situation has to make you so uncomfortable, but honestly, you've handled it so well. You haven't changed the way you treat me, and I appreciate that. Trust and communication are so important to me, and I'm glad we have them."
I smile. Her words warm my heart and all the uncertainty I felt before begins to dissipate. "Out of my entire family, of all my friends, you're the person I trust the most in the world. Despite everything you've gone through, you're not afraid to be one hundred with me. Hell, you met my family, and nothing has changed how you've treated me." I stroke her cheek as she glances away. "You're the best thing to ever happen to me." It's almost like I love you.
The thought catches me off guard. Love? Could I be in love with Rory? She's already met the most important people in my life. Not to mention, she is one of the most important people in my life. The girls of my past were passing flings after...Jessica. The name makes me cringe.
Jessica was the first time I ever believed I was in love. That was a frenzy of chaos and betrayal that I don't want to remember. Rory isn't the same though. She's nothing like Jessica was. I can trust her. I know she's here for me and nothing else. No one else. So, it could be true. I could already love her. Rays of light shine over my spirit.
Rory brings me more happiness than I realize. I admire her. Her fearlessness and strength inspire me and makes me want to create some of my own. I can't help but feel like I've become a different man since I've met her. A happier man because of this giggly, mischievous girl in my arms.
"I adore you," I whisper as a euphoria grand as ever lifts inside my chest. "I hope you know that."
Her smile steals my heart. "And I adore you."
* * *
Three dangerous words have rested on the tip of my tongue ever since I discovered them, and I've had endless opportunities to pull Rory aside and confess my feelings. But I don't want to. Not yet. Not when I'll be leaving in a week. The distance is already killing me so I can just imagine how tortured she'd feel if we couldn't celebrate those words together for some time. Yet as we lounge in my living room with her ear resting over my erratic heart, the confession is poised at the tip of my tongue while one of her Mexican soap operas plays lowly on the TV.
The knowledge of my love for her tortures me and I wish I could kill my fears and tell her. I can't tell her. What if she's not there yet? What if I'm nothing special in her life? She's young and beautiful with plenty of time to explore her options and grow bored of me. I'll be twenty-five soon. We're in such different aspects of our lives even though six years feel like nothing between us. If I wanted to settle down soon, it'd only push her away. Who settles down at nineteen?
What the hell am I thinking? We've only been dating for four months, and I just discovered how deep my feelings are. Why am I thinking about the future? Still, my stupid mouth moves of its own accord. "Where do you see yourself in the future?"
Fucking idiot.
"Hmm?" Rory pauses the TV and lifts her head to look at me.
"Like in five or ten years?" I let my gaze drift from hers, afraid she'll witness the evidence of love swirling in them. "Where do you want to be?"
"A successful businesswoman for sure. I want to build an empire for men and women to enjoy safe and consensual sexual freedom. I'd love to see the world." She smiles as awe embodies her voice like morning dew slipping from the petals of a flower. "I've always wanted to travel out of the States and meet more of my family. Figure out the history of both of my parent's ancestors and get more in touch with their cultures. I love people so I want to see and explore every kind there is."
"Do you want to...make people? Eventually?"
She scrunches her nose. "Like have kids? No way. I hate those little demons."
"Ah." My heart sinks into my stomach.
"What about you, huh?" She lifts her palm and strokes the side of my face. "Where do you see yourself?"
That's a good question. Confusion catches my tongue. "I-"
"A multi-millionaire who spreads his fitness brand across the globe." Tyler flops back on the couch next to us with that signature smirk of his. He rests his arms behind him and winks. "Already halfway there, brother."
I give him a fake smile to contain my annoyance. Part of me wants to ask what he's doing about his current living situation, but I know one day is not enough time before kicking him out. I mentally cringe. What is wrong with me? I've always been willing to let him crash with me for months at a time. In fact, having Tyler around was something I craved before dating Rory. Not only could I ensure his health, but we could spend time together and shoot the shit for hours. Somehow, a single variable has changed all of that.
"What about you?" Rory asks. She sits up and leans towards him a bit, leaving me cold and alone. "Where is Tyler Evans going to be in the future?"
"Probably in jail," he jokes. He's taking the heat of the question off of himself. Tyler has no idea what he wants to do with his life. At least, he has a choice.
"Of course, you don't have a serious answer." Rory huffs and leans back on me.
Tyler gives her an unreadable look; one that lingers. It's like he's forgotten that I'm sitting right here and longs to tell Rory something he probably shouldn't. Get out of your head. We're all talking. Wouldn't you rather they be friends?
Friends don't look like the way he's staring at her.
"When I was a kid," he begins in an almost bashful voice, "I used to want to be a comic book artist. I used to draw characters and little stories." He ruffles up his hair to distract from his sudden embarrassment. "It was a long time ago though."
Phantoms crawl through my bones, but I try to ignore them. I don't think Tyler has ever told anyone about his comics before.
Rory sits up again now more intrigued than before. "Why'd you give up? Art is amazing. To be able to create something from your own imagination? It's an under-appreciated talent."
"I guess."
"Do you keep any comics that you used to draw?"
"I've got them all saved on a cloud, but don't even think about asking to see them." He folds his arms as her interest guides her closer. I fade into their background. "I only keep them because I worked so hard on them."
"Aww! You're no fun." She pouts and mimics his position. "Why not? Are you embarrassed?"
"I don't get embarrassed."
"Bullshit. Everyone gets embarrassed." She smirks and cocks her head toward him. "You get embarrassed whenever I mention how cute you are as a protective little brother."
Cute...
"It's just annoying. We're barely two years apart."
"Doesn't mean it's not cute how protective you are of him." Rory scoops her arms around my sides and snuggles into me. I don't feel any warmer. "Chace, in case you weren't aware, your little brother really really cares about you."
"Shut up."
I force a laugh and rub her shoulder. "Yeah, I know. He can't help but love me." I spare him a brief smile that he doesn't acknowledge. "I love him too."
"Alright, I'm not trying to get fucking sappy in here." The corner of his mouth quirks. He never takes his eyes off of Rory. Not for a second. "You ready for tomorrow?"
"What's tomorrow?" I ask. He still doesn't look at me.
Rory pops up with a glimmer in her eye. "Tyler is taking me to his little coven downtown. Remember? We talked about it when we were at your parent's place."
"It's not a coven."
She puckers her lips and taps the side as she pretends to think. "I imagine it's a bunch of brooding white guys that look and dress exactly like Tyler. Most of their names will probably be Ryder or something like that."
"Okay," he chuckles. "It's nothing like that. Give it a chance before you make wild assumptions."
I release a dry laugh. "I didn't think you guys were still going."
"Are you kidding?" Rory bounces on the sofa and shoves her hands between her legs like a child. "Like I'd miss an opportunity to witness a Tyler in its natural habitat."
"Okay, fuck you," he laughs.
"Maybe I should come." My chest is so tight, breathing becomes more complicated than ever. Everything we talked about before, all the reassurance we gave each other, melts like the icecaps. "I don't need my girlfriend ending up in jail." With Tyler's track record, letting them go there alone is nothing short of a disaster. She might be putting her health at risk, and he never fails to revive old habits when going unsupervised. They won't be safe without me. I have to protect them from him. If he is in constant recovery because of that place, what's stopping her from falling down the same path?
Rory leans over and kisses my cheek. "I don't need a babysitter. Trust me, Vicky is more than enough." She hops up and prances out of the living room, leaving me in silence and chaos.
Her words sting. Are they meant to? I'm not trying to smother her, but... I look at my brother. He finally looks back, but he's too afraid to look directly at me. "Don't worry," he mumbles. "I'll take care of her."
Words meant to reassure only cause me heartache.
How do you think Tyler and Rory's little night out is going to go?
rae <3