Chapter 8.
The problem with picking a fight with my psychotic, too-aggressive roommate was that she was never going to let me live it down. After the prank I had pulled with Madison's help, I'd barely dared to sleep in the same dorm room as Avery for fear that she'd shave my head while I was sleeping or something equally nasty.
She'd been mad about the water incident, and irritated at the honey, silly string, and rubber snake. She was almost murderously irate when the video of her and Dylan getting soaked by water while leaving the dorm room scantily clad had mysteriously surfaced on the school's gossip website. Two weeks had passed since the prank, and I still lived in constant fearful expectancy for Avery's retaliation.
"Are you sure you aren't being paranoid?" Kelsey asked me as I leaned back into my desk chair, propping my phone up on the back of the desk while I video chatted with my best friend.
I grimaced, shaking my head. "Trust me, it's only a matter of time before she does something horribly evil. I have the sneaking suspicion that whatever she's about to do, it will be ten times worse than the prank Madison and I pulled on her."
Kelsey laughed, her eyes dancing in amusement. "I still can't believe that you ran into Madison, of all people. Or that you let her talk you into a petty revenge scheme. I thought you knew better than that, Lilly."
I shrugged defensively. "What else was I supposed to do?" I asked. "Your brother was acting like the biggest jerk on the planet, and Avery's boy toy is nice enough, but not much of a buffer against the wrath of Avery."
Will and I had been hanging out more over the past couple of weeks, since I didn't really have that many friends on campus. He was fun and easy to be around, and seemed to know almost everyone. He was no Dylan, but I did enjoy his company.
"I never thought I'd hear you say something like 'boy toy,'" Kelsey snickered. "Speaking of, how are things going with him? Any prospect of a budding romance? It sounds like he's flirting with you."
I snorted, the noise loud and completely unladylike. "Of course he's flirting," I guffawed. "Will flirts with just about every girl he meets under the age of forty. And even then, that's probably not a hard and fast rule. Besides, I'm happy with Ben. I'm not looking for a new romance. I happen to like the one I have."
Kelsey rolled her eyes. "I hardly ever hear you mention Ben. No offense, but it doesn't seem like the long distance thing is working out well for you. I mean, do you even talk to him anymore?"
"Of course," I said defensively. Although, admittedly, we didn't talk nearly as much as I would have liked. Ben was making tons of new friends, and every time we talked, it seemed like he was going out with a different group of people. I trusted him, and I didn't think he was being unfaithful or anything, but even I had to admit that we were drifting apart. Without having mutual friends and seeing each other almost every day, we didn't have as much to talk about these days. "We talk at least a few times a week," I informed her tartly.
Kelsey rolled her eyes. "Lilly, you talk to me more often than that," she said. "I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but maybe you should stay open to the possibility of meeting a great new guy."
"Like you're one to talk," I teased. "Are you dumping Austin for some new guy?"
Kelsey was strangely quiet, and my eyes widened like saucers. "Oh my gosh, did you and Austin break up?!" I exclaimed. Kelsey and Austin had been dating for four years. The thought of them breaking up was earth shattering.
"Yeah," Kelsey said, nodding her head. "He's been weirdly distant for a while now. I mean, he skipped my end of summer party to pack for school, and it's not like it was a last minute thing. He knew I was planning it. He never had time to talk to me. I don't know, I just didn't want to struggle with the long distance relationship thing anymore. So I broke it off with him," she said with a nonchalant shrug.
"When?" I squeaked, my head still reeling from the new revelation. "Why am I just now hearing about this?
"Because I knew you'd make a big deal of it, and I didn't want to dwell on it," Kelsey admitted.
"But Kels, this is a big deal," I insisted. "You and Austin have so much history. You seemed so perfect together. How are you so calm about this?"
Kelsey pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head at me. "I wouldn't say calm, exactly. And who knows? Maybe Austin and I will get back together someday, if our paths ever cross again. But right now, we are heading in separate directions. We seem to want different things, and I don't want to be so busy clinging to the past that I miss out on all of the opportunities of the present."
"Is that what you think I'm doing?" I demanded. "Clinging to the past because I'm too scared to look to the future?"
"Aren't you?" Kelsey asked, her voice firm, but not unkind. "Have you thought about what you want to do with your life? New things you'd like to try? Places you want to go? People you want to meet?"
She shook her head, as though trying to find the right words to get her point across. "Look, it's not that you need to have everything figured out right this second. But it seems to me like you don't have any goals for the future. You went to the University of Florida because it was close to home, and because Dylan was going there. He's like your security blanket, and that's why you're so upset that he's dating Avery. Not just that Avery is a piece of work, but that Dylan is moving on and you don't want anything to change. Well, I'm sorry, Lilly, but life is changing. And if you cling to the past and try to keep everything the same as it always has been, you're just going to wind up miserable. We are growing up. We are making new friends, and growing as people. That doesn't mean we can't stay friends too, but it will never be the same. It will never be the way it was in high school, and I just don't like the idea of you missing out on something great because you're too scared to take a chance."
I gulped, knowing that Kesley was at least partially right. I was downright terrified of all of the changes happening in my life. Somehow, I'd turned eighteen, and everyone had suddenly decided that I was an adult and responsible for making decisions that would shape the rest of my life. Only, I didn't feel any older or wiser. I just felt confused. Who was Lilly Faye, outside of the roles I had always filled? The coach's daughter. Kelsey's best friend. Luke's girlfriend. Dylan's friend. Ben's girlfriend. When you stripped away all of the people in my life, who was I? Who did I want to be?
It struck me as sort of sad that I had absolutely no idea who I was, or what I wanted as a person. I had no long-term goals, no clue what kind of career I wanted to have, or what hobbies I wanted to pursue. I'd spent all of high school molding myself to fit into what other people expected of me. I'd been the good girl my father had wanted me to be, for the most part. I'd been the bubbly cheerleader that Kelsey wanted to be friends with. I'd been the girl who went to every football game to support Dylan and Luke, and later Ben. But I didn't even like football, and I didn't love cheerleading. I'd tolerated those things because the people I cared about loved them. The sad part was, I didn't know what I really liked.
"You're right," I admitted softly. "What you're saying makes a lot of sense. I'll think about it. I want to be in a relationship with Ben because he's the right guy for me, not because he makes me feel comfortable."
Kelsey smiled comfortingly. "That's all I'm asking," she assured me. "Just think about it. What makes you happy? Then, surround yourself with interests and people who make you happy, even if it means you aren't exactly the same person you were in high school. That's just part of growing up."
That sounded suspiciously like something out of a textbook or self-help book, and I quirked an eyebrow, not amused. "Are you psychoanalyzing me?" I asked, remembering belatedly that Kesley was, in fact, a psychology major.
Kelsey snickered, but didn't look at all remorseful. "You needed to hear it," she said pragmatically. "Besides, you have to admit, I'm going to be an awesome psychologist. I clearly have a knack for it."
"And so modest, too," I grumbled.
Just then, my phone buzzed, letting me know that I had an incoming call from Ben. Glancing up at Kesley, I said, "Hey, Ben's calling. Is it okay if I let you go for now? I haven't heard from him outside of the occasional text message for a couple of days, so I'd kind of like to talk to him?"
Kelsey rolled her eyes. "Fine, I guess," she said, sighing dramatically. "You can ditch me for your boyfriend this once. But promise me you'll think about what I said."
"I promise," I agreed before ending our video call.
I hurried to answer Ben's call before he went to voicemail.
"Hello?" I answered, slightly anxious, because it was unusual for Ben to call me this early in the day. Heck, it was kind of unusual for him to call me. Normally, I was the one who reached out first.
"Lilly?" he said. "We need to talk."
My stomach clenched in dread. Those words were never good. Everyone knew that almost every breakup began with those four little words: We need to talk. Was Ben going to break up with me? Why? We had been so happy together for two years.
Gulping, I forced a smile onto my face, because I had read somewhere that smiling while talking on the phone made your tone seem friendlier. Supposedly, people could hear your smile even if they couldn't see it. "Sure," I said, faking a cheerfulness I certainly didn't feel. "What's up?"
Ben sighed, as though he couldn't quite bring himself to say the words. "Dylan told me about the guy you've been seeing."
Of all of the things I'd expected Ben to say, that wasn't one of them. "I'm sorry, what?" I spluttered. There was no guy, and Dylan of all people should know that. For him to go behind my back and send something to Ben, things between us had to be much worse than I'd thought. Was this his way of getting revenge on me for the stupid prank I'd pulled on Avery? I'd expected her to retaliate, but I hadn't honestly thought Dylan would. I'd expected him to laugh about it, because the Dylan I'd thought I knew found childish pranks hilarious, even when he was caught up in them.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," I told Ben honestly. "I promise you, I'm not seeing anyone."
"Don't give me that bullcrap, Lilly," Ben insisted. "He sent me a picture of you and some guy snuggled up on a couch together watching a movie. And yeah, you weren't making out or anything, but you were pretty cozy with a guy who wasn't your boyfriend. And you've never mentioned this guy to me, your actual boyfriend, which I find a little suspicious."
My heart hammered in my chest. He was talking about Will. Ben had to be talking about Will, because Will was literally the only guy I'd spent any amount of time with on campus. And we had watched a movie together in the common area, but that was strictly platonic. I didn't like Will that way, and I was equally sure he didn't like me enough that he was willing to settle down and limit himself to dating one girl. The whole thing was ludicrous. And, why would Dylan send a picture like that to Ben? If he thought I was cheating on his friend, why hadn't he said anything?
"Will is just a friend," I told Ben. "Trust me, I would never be interested in a guy like him. He sleeps with my evil roommate, for goodness sake. I would never want to ruin our relationship over someone so... icky," I said, unable to find a better word for it. "Besides, why are you taking relationship advice from Dylan, a notorious player who is currently dating the devil incarnate?"
Ben let out a long breath, the air hissing out in a loud burst. "I'm not taking dating advice from Dylan," he said. "I don't know what's going on with you and your devil incarnate roommate. I don't know what's going on with you and this Will guy. Heck, I don't know what's going on with you anymore, because we almost never talk."
"I'm sorry," I told him honestly. "I know we've been drifting apart a little, but we can work on that. This long distance relationship is a little harder than I thought it would be, and we both need to make an effort to prioritize communication," I admitted. "But we can work on that."
"Actually," Ben said softly, his voice barely audible over the other end of the phone, "I'm not sure we can."
"But..." I began, but Ben cut me off before I could continue.
"Lilly, we've had a great run," he said, "but at the end of the day, I just don't think we're right for each other. Our relationship is comfortable, but we're just missing that it factor. When you're hurting or confused, I'm not the first person you want to talk to. You always go to Kelsey, or Dylan, and I think that says a lot about us. I'm not the guy you run to when you're feeling uncertain, or insecure, or just want to talk and need a shoulder to cry on. I don't think I ever have been. We get along well, but that's not enough. I don't think I'm the guy for you, and at the end of the day, you're just not the girl from me. You're wonderful, and I really hope that you find the right guy someday. But, I'm sorry Lilly. I just can't be in a relationship anymore when I know it's not the real thing. It's not love, and it never will be."
I bit back a sob, my heart breaking a little bit at his words. Two years. Ben and I had been together for two happy years, and we had hardly ever fought. We'd been good friends, and I'd honestly thought that we had a strong enough relationship to weather anything. And he was going to end it all over one little picture that Dylan had sent?
"I'm going to kill Dylan," I growled, torn between roaring anger and complete heartbreak. "He had no right."
"This isn't about the picture," Ben assured me. "That was what made me start thinking, sure, but this is about us. It's about our lack of communication, and the way we always seem to filter the way we really feel around each other. I mean it, Lilly. What we have, it isn't the kind of passionate, lifelong romance people dream about. If we are both being truly honest, I don't think either of us has been getting what we need out of this relationship. And that's why we're breaking up. This has nothing to do with Dylan. It's about us."
"If Dylan thought there was something going on between me and Will, he should have come to me," I continued, ignoring Ben's words. Yeah, maybe Ben had a point--I didn't tell him about all of the petty details of my life, because it was pretty pathetic at the moment. But that didn't mean we should break up. "Dylan is my best friend. He should know I would never cheat."
"That's bro code," Ben said. "He saw you with another guy, and we're friends, so he felt obligated to tell me. I'm glad he did. I like you, Lilly. A lot. And I'd like it if we could still be friends. But I don't love you. Not in the way a boyfriend should love his girlfriend of two years."
I sighed heavily, my heart breaking again at his words. "I guess there's nothing else to say then," I said sadly. "You're sure there's nothing I can do to change your mind? We were really great together."
"This is for the best, Lilly," Ben said again. "Give it time, and you'll see what I mean."
I highly doubted that, but I didn't argue. After all, what else could I say?
I ended the call with Ben feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I had never been broken up with before. With Evan, and even with Luke, I'd been the one to break up. Breaking up with Evan had been a relief, because we just weren't compatible. Breaking up with Luke had been almost unbearable, but I'd known deep down that it was the right thing to do. Ben breaking up with me added a whole new level of hurt.
Impulsively, I snatched my car keys off of the hook by the door. I owed Dylan a little visit. It was high time I give him the verbal smackdown that he was due.
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