a/n; before you read, you may notice that it's a different form of writing than the previous chapters had. don't be confused.
oh and be happy, this chapter is so long-
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Sometimes, we all struggle to handle our past. The present time isn't an exception, neither our worries about our future are. Sometimes, we struggle to survive the suffering ship drowning us to the ground of the endless Atlantic. All our tears created during the path of drowning, it all leads us to where we are.
If we drown or swim, that's our decision.
The easy decision is to let it happen. To drown, hoping someone would wrap their arms around us while we loose our last breath. We don't learn how to drown.
The hard decision is to learn how to swim. How to see the sunlight on the edge, the warmth and comfort after an exhausting phase around us. We aren't born as swimmers, we have to learn how to give ourselves a try.
Either alone or with help.
All her life, she has been swimming. Without any help.
That's how she remembers her life.
"I am not the person you're describing", a heated tear left her eye, a small sob escaping her precious lips. The moment of realization hit her.
Hit her like a truck, driven by Min Yoongi.
Her brother.
"I know you're not that person anymore. Jeongguk wouldn't like someone like this. I came to this realization."
Yoongi has been playing with his fingers the whole time, surprisingly nervous. He was stuck between two parallels, his sister he knew back then and his sister sitting on his chair, hardly trying to keep her tears for herself.
His eyes were stuck on a picture of him and a little girl at the age of four. A memory created by two souls in the middle of their own happiness; their childhood.
"Now I understand why you hate me", she whispered with a broken voice. Although Yoongi wasn't taking a look at her, he knew how close she was to break down.
"You blame me for everything, right? You've never looked down to me, you've just..."
"I have been looking up to you since I saw this little, small yet beautiful baby called Y/N in my mum's arms for the first time."
"I'm sorry, I have to go", she quickly said before storming out of Yoongi's hotel room. This was just too much for her; everything he had just told her.
She was a crying mess and nobody could stop her, not even the young man Jeon Jeongguk who was bumping into her in the hallway.
"Namwaan, are you crying?"
"No, I'm not", of course, her broken voice and the tears on her face didn't convinced Jeongguk.
You're lucky if you have somebody wrapping your arms around you when you drown.
"I'm here", Jeongguk tried to comfort her as he was risking it to pull Namwaan into a hug, getting his hands pushed away from her as soon as he tried to touch her.
"I'm not, I'm going away from here, from everything."
Yet it's up to the person drowning if it really wants to be saved or not, and if the person already died, no fresh air could help anymore.
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"I've been trying to call her for hours now! Yoongi, what did you tell her?!", Jeongguk yelled at his older brother, knowing exactly that he was the reason of your sadness.
"I didn't mean to hurt her", he said numb without looking at Jeongguk. As if nothing happened.
"I have never seen her so broken; Yoongi, you have to tell me what happened or I'm going insane."
"You should put finding her as your priority, not disturbing private conversations of people", Yoongi spat at him, a little faked chuckle escaping his mouth.
And Jeongguk just stared at him, disbelieving.
Watching him writing peacefully, not showing a minor affection towards his little sister.
It was as if somebody had replaced Yoongi, and Jeongguk never wanted something more than his old best friend back.
"You don't even care a little bit about your sister", Jeongguk mumbled disappointed. Giving up, leaving the room.
But he didn't get the chance to look after you. They had another concert to give, and as much Jeongguk wanted to just run away and pull you into his embrace, he didn't want to disappoint any other loved ones.
[flashback; a few weeks ago]
"I want my family back."
Jeongguk opened his eyes at her sudden statement, looking down to his chest to find Namwaan's head laying on it.
"You don't know how your family was, Namwaan", Jeongguk whispered as he was tucking her hair behind her ear, feeling her shrugging at the sudden action by him.
"You can't say you want it back if you don't actually know what you had."
"Jeongguk the poet, boring", Namwaan giggled, the conversation being stopped for a few minutes.
You two were cuddling on the couch, watching a movie. A scene of a family reunion reminded you of your own dark past, but Jeongguk holding you in his arms stopped you from overthinking again.
It stopped you from getting lost in your own universe, a place were it was dark and cold.
"Namwaan", Jeongguk suddenly said after a long time thinking. He wanted to be honest yet to comfort you, knowing this was a sensitive topic of yours.
It reached your heart, so Jeongguk had to be careful. Either he ripped it apart or he took care of it; it was in his hands.
"I'm your family."
[flashback end]
"I can't take it, I can't take knowing she's not alright but I'm not capable of doing anything. Kill me."
Jeongguk has never stopped talking about you, taking the concert as an exception.
He was in the car; it was already midnight and the whole band was being driven to their hotel.
Jeongguk and Yoongi had been trying to avoid each other, surprisingly successful.
But now they were in the car, sitting face-to-face.
"Can you stop talking about her for one god dammit second", Yoongi hissed annoyed.
But Jeongguk didn't care what Yoongi wanted at this point. He was mad and disappointed in him, the weird small space between them didn't change anything.
"No, I wont. Because the only other person in this car who should care and talk about her is being ignorant and arrogant", Jeongguk told him offensive.
"Jeongguk, I dare you, if you-"
"That's it, Jeongguk and Yoongi are going to be locked in their room until they stop fighting and figure things out", Namjoon said, clearly annoyed of Jeongguk's and Yoongi's behavior.
The other ones agreed, yet Jeongguk and Yoongi themselves weren't really satisfied with this solution.
But five against two? Impossible.
"Fine. But I want to find Namwaan before."
"No, Jeongguk. Please fulfill us this favor. You can talk to her later, even the whole night again if you want. But seeing you two constantly fighting is really tiring and upsetting. You two are best friends, did you forget about this?", Jimin said with a stable voice.
And in this exact moment, the car was parked.
Every member got out of the car, exception of two.
It was night. Everybody was exhausted and tired, yet these two needed to put their last resting strength into this conversation. They needed to be mature, they needed to understand both sides of this war.
And they both were aware of this.
"Are you coming?", Jin asked the both of them. Jeongguk looked up to his best friend, shaking his head.
"We will join you later", Yoongi gave Jin as his answer.
It was cold. The car didn't had it any warmer inside either, the seats were uncomfortable and the atmosphere seemed to be imploding.
There was an invisible string between them, unaware to be seen yet known to be there by both of them. A few minutes needed to pass by until one of them decided to put the string on the right place.
"I was.. Hurt. Extremely hurt."
Jeongguk risked a look at Yoongi who had just spoken the words he had kept for himself for so long.
Yoongi was staring out of the window, yet Jeongguk could clearly see him struggling. Struggling not to cry, not to let the feelings overcome him.
Yoongi never cried.
Causing Jeongguk to be stunned, silent to listen to his words. This was important. A childish behavior was unacceptable in this situation.
"I understand that you're happy with her. I understand that she's a kind girl. I've understood it for so, so long", Yoongi gulped.
This was so hard. Opening up wasn't one of his strengths, adding to it that he barely knew how he was feeling himself.
"It's not my right to tell you what she did in the past. How she was, how much she actually changed. Its up to her if she tells you, but there are so many things you don't know."
"I'm aware of that."
"Let me speak, Jeongguk. Let me before I loose it all."
Jeongguk noticed how the body of the elder boy was shaking. Not because of the coldness, it was because he was close to imploding.
He needed to let it out, and Jeongguk decided to be that someone who received the amount of stress and sadness Yoongi has kept for himself.
For probably months.
"My past, my childhood, it was full of joy at the beginning. Y/N and I were happy children, not knowing anything about the big, cruel world. We never had a mother, she died giving birth to Y/N. my dad raised us as good as he could, but we were never this family someone would imagine. A family someone would wish to have. We were poor, extremely poor. In bad weeks, we had to live under a bridge near river. You know, the river were Jin and I went fishing. It's a miracle that Y/N and I were able to go to school.
Anyway, Y/N turned into someone we've never seen before. She started stealing, dealing with drugs, skipping school which was by the way the only luxury she legally had the chance to experience. If she did it for the family? No. She was constantly fighting with my father and she started disrespecting me. She only did it for herself. She was looking down to people, even to the people who loved her. I was the shadow in her fake plastic made light. She never worked for anything, made the life for my father and me worse as it already was.
And then.. My father wanted to surprise us. His friend borrowed him his car and my father wanted to go on a little trip with us. Long story short, my father had a car crash due having an argument with Y/N. Because she was drunk. I have been in the car, somehow I only went away with some injuries while my father was in coma. Later on, he died. And Y/N? She was in coma too. But when I wanted to visit her, she was gone. Her bed was empty.
Years later I see her on your doorstep, and honestly saying, the only thing I felt was sadness and hate. Memories of my old past, the disgusting character which ruined every minor happiness in my life. And out of nowhere, you two got closer. She was stepping in my life again, and I was scared she'd take every happiness I have again. I already lived through my depression, I don't want to live through it again.
She's a kind girl. I see that she changed. She's.. She is the sunshine.
But I can't just easily erase things, Jeongguk. That's why I avoided her. But I knew she was the cause of your happiness, so I called her, bought the flight, everything. The moment I realized she changed, I didn't say anything disrespectful anymore, I just avoided her.
But still, she's taking a huge rock of happiness from me. You, Jeongguk. It's always about Y/N. You never stopped talking about her, she's always your number one, you'd give everything for her. It's so obvious that you love her, yet you're the blindfish who keeps talking around the main point.
And while doing this, you have no idea how much you actually hurt me. Did you even notice? I'm loosing my best friend because of her. Jeongguk, why do I have to love her to have you? You've been more family to me than she ever was. I don't want to loose you because of this, neither do I want to pretend to smile due my pain. I'm scared I'm falling into this deep hole again, a dark chapter I had finished. But it's the book never continues, it's like I'm reading the same chapter all over again. I'm stuck there.
I'm sorry. For every bad word I said. You know that I'm not the type of guy who says things without a reason. I've just kept it to myself.
We were never a real family. Sometimes, I think you're her family. So go ahead, take care of her as always. I know that you only want the best."
After talking for so long, Yoongi finally closed his mouth, wiping the accidentally fallen tear away. Thinking about his past has always been a struggle, opening up has always been impossible to him.
But he didn't want to loose Jeongguk.
And Jeongguk didn't say anything. He just switched his seat, sitting next to Yoongi to give him a comforting, long hug.
Jeongguk knew his best friend, Yoongi didn't need any words. He needed affection, as much as he wanted to deny it.
"I'm sorry for everything I've said to you, Yoongi. I'm truly and deeply sorry."
This was a bromance moment no girl could ever take away from them. And at the end, their friendship was stronger than anything.
-
But this conversation didn't change the fact that Namwaan was nowhere to be found. Not in her hotel room, nowhere. Since this morning, which was driving Jeongguk insane.
"I could hack her smartphone", Taehyung suggested after a long discussion how to find Namwaan.
All the members except Yoongi were sitting in Jeongguk's and Jin's hotel room, planning on how to find Namwaan. Yoongi, who had excused himself, already went to his own hotel room to rest.
And the sudden suggestion of Taehyung made all eyes in the room being laid on him.
"You can hack?", Hoseok asked surprised, still deciding if he should be feeling shocked or happy. Probably both.
"That's, um.. A long story", Taehyung excused himself.
"You jerk, couldn't you have DONE THIS SOONER-"
"Jeongguk, don't FIGHT HIM, WE NEED HIM!"
-
The whole day, Namwaan has been sitting under the bridge.
Staring at the river in front of her.
Empty eyes, already cried all the available tears out.
Memories of her past were flashing into her mind, thd picture Yoongi had shown you crossed her thoughts.
A picture of a smiling girl and her elder big brother, also smiling, holding his little sister in his arms.
This picture has been spreading pure happiness, yet it was full of darkness.
After thinking way too much again, Namwaan reached a point of just viewing the river in front of her. It was dark, but the moon and the stars were giving her the feeling of hope. The light in her life.
The hope of finally knowing who exactly she is.
Accepting who she was.
Accepting that the only wish she ever had, the biggest wish in her chaotic life, will never come true.
Wanting to have a family.
Yoongi was the only family she had, and according to their relationship right now, they will never reunion with a happy end.
Jeongguk was the only family she got to know. The love and comfort a family desires to give.
Yet it didn't really feel like family. A family didn't love the way Namwaan loved Jeongguk.
The moment he had told her he would love her, Namwaan has never felt this euphoric feeling inside of her. A happiness nobody except Jeongguk could create, yet there was a wall thrown between of them.
With Jeongguk saying he didn't mean it. He didn't actually love her.
Right now, Namwaan didn't know where she belonged to.
She felt like an object, depending on her owners. Will she be thrown away? Or will she be taken care of?
Namwaan was tired. Tired of living through the day. Tired of her life kicking her into the stomach each day, each hour, each minute and each second.
She felt alone. Simply alone.
"Don't be scared, it's me", Namwaan suddenly heard a familiar male voice coming out of the darkness.
"I know how you feel right now. And I'm here for you. I will always be. You're not alone, Y/N."
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a/n; your thoughts about the character of Yoongi?