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"God hath given you one face, and you make yourself another."
(Hamlet, act 3 scene 1)
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I wondered if I should get changed. I was wearing my night dress, and slippers. I mean, I shouldn't bump into anyone, not at night. After debating with myself, I decided to pull on a shawl above my dress.
Pausing at the handle of my door, I questioned myself. I was going to break a rule. A rule Ms Venable had set for us. What was I doing? Where was I even going to go? The library. I wanted to read, and loose myself into a world that didn't involve my own. I opened my door and stepped corridor.
My room was at the very end of the girls corridor, so no one should have heard my door opening.
Walking carefully, I wondered through the empty pathway. When I arrived at the library door, I slowly opened it, avoiding the creek. When I was in, I sighed in relief, picked up Hamlet from earlier and sat down on the armchair. Inhaling slowly, I opened the book and lost myself between the words.
"Ms Aldean, why are you in here?!"
My head snapped up and I jumped. Ms Venable was standing in front of me, wearing a dangerous expression. Fuck.
"I-I'm so so sorry Ms V-Venable" I stuttered like crazy, standing up and putting the book away quickly.
"Why is it that you think it is fine to break the rules?" Her voice was so cold that it almost made me shiver.
"I don't k-know, it won't happen a-again" My cheeks burned red.
"You're right, it will not happen again"
We both turned at the noise of approaching footsteps, and I internally groaned when I saw it was Ms Mead. Great.
"I heard voices" Her beady eyes narrowed at the sight of me, "Why is she up after hours?"
Ms Venable's gaze fell back onto me.
"I do not know"
"Can I punish her?" My heart stopped when I saw Ms Mead look hopeful as she spoke. Ms Venable's expression didn't change one bit, and paused before replying.
"Yes. One night in the basement should do it"
No no no no.
Ms Mead smirked slightly and started to walk towards me.
"I'm sorry okay? Please don't do this" I begged, looking into Ms Venable's eyes. Then I saw something in her expression. Could it be....guilt??
"You should be grateful it's not anything more. If it were any other the others, they'd be caned at least ten times" And that was true, I knew that from past encounters, of anyone broke a rule for the second time, they'd be dragged to the basement and all we'd hear would be screams. But why was she letting me off? I thought the incident at dinner would have given me a strike, and then this! Lost in my confused thoughts, I realised Ms Mead had clamped my arm and had started to pull me into the corridor, down the stairs, and into the basement.
*
I'd lost track of how long I'd been here. My right arm was cuffed to the wall and I sat in an uncomfortable crouch. The smell was musty and the room was cold and gray. Maybe it had been minutes, maybe it had been hours.
Finally, the door opened, revealing a tall slim figure, otherwise known as Ms Venable. She entered, towering over my crouched position.
"You may leave" She states, unshackling me. I sighed in relief, standing up bit then stumbling. I was so dizzy.
"I saved you breakfast"
I couldn't help the slight smile that grew on my lips, despite the fact she'd made me stay in a fucking basement. I managed to hide it from Ms Venable though, she would have thought I was mad.
I followed her out, but she stopped me before we came to the dinning room.
"Go to your room and get dressed"
I nodded, realising I was still in my night dress.
*
"Come on, I don't have all day" Ms Venable tapped her finger impatiently on her cane. We were sat in the dining room, and it was dinner. Ms Venable had supervised me to eat breakfast. I really didn't know why she cared so much. She probably wouldn't even care if one of the people in the outpost died. She'd probably even killed people herself. So why treat me differently?
Gulping and trying to ignore her burning stare, I picked up my knife and fork, staring at my cube.
"Urgh." I mumbled to myself as I swallowed the jelly. Everyone else at the table were engrossed in a usual conversation about what food they'd rather be eating.
"What was that?" She questioned, raising an eyebrow. Of course she'd heard me but it sounded like a warning. But I got a surge of confidence all of a sudden.
"It's disgusting Ms Venable. I can barely get it down my throat, the texture is awful." I stood up abruptly and everyone at the table jumped at my action.
"Are you okay Karinya?" Coco asked, she was sat other the other side of the table. No one here was used to me acting anything but shy and polite.
I couldn't listen because my sudden standing had made me dizzy. The last thing I saw was Ms Venable's face. If I was very much mistaken, her eyes held....worry.
Then it all went black.
*
My eyes slowly opened, and I squinted around me. I was in my room, but I was in my night dress. Someone must have undressed me. I knew what had happened immediately. I'd fainted. Probably from the lack of damned nutrients. Great.
Then I heard my bedroom door shut suddenly. Propping myself up on my elbows, I only just missed identifying who had been in my room. Who had been with me? Had they been nursing me? I had no idea
After about half an hour, Ms Mead entered holding a plate and a glass of water.
"You are to eat and drink this now, Ms Venable's orders" Her voice was steely, setting the plate next to me. I was about to open my mouth but she stopped me.
"No protests. Ms Venable never seems to want to punish you, but I'll have the pleasure of doing it myself"
Panic kicked in. I'd never been close to being threatened with a punishment before until yesterday.
So I did exactly as I was told. For some reason, I felt a little happy that I'd followed Ms Venable's orders, even if she hadn't given them to me directly.
With the strength that the food gave me, I made my way to the library.
Sitting down on the sofa gave me comfort, it was my new safe space.
"You like reading, Ms Aldean" I almost jumped out of my skin when I saw Ms Venable standing in front of me.
"Yes" It was all I couldn't get out of my mouth right now.
"Hamlet, a good choice" Her usual cold expression seemed to have faded slightly, becoming more human. I was surprised by her comment. By her saying that, it gave me a slither of what her personal life used to be like. Did she like Shakespeare? Was her favourite Hamlet, like me? I was secretly hoping it was her favourite too.
"Yes, it was always my favourite" I spoke nervously.
I watched as Ms Venable sit down opposite me on the other armchair. Holy fucking shit, this was NOT happening. Ms Venable had sat down, next to someone, who happened to be me, and was acting as if we were about to have a conversation, a PROPER conversation.
"What does it do to you?" She wore a interested expression, but not fully making eye contact with me. I guess it was because she wasn't used to engaging in one to one conversations with someone other than Ms Mead.
"What does what do to me?" I asked, slightly confused. I regretted what I said immediately, she probably would think that to be a rude way of asking, but to my surprise, Ms Venable didn't react.
"Reading, what does it do for you?"
Wow, good question. I wasn't sure whether to shorten my answer, not wanting to bore her with my long but meaningful rambles.
"It just isn't like real life, it's falling into a place created by the writers mind, something they wanted people like me to see. It helps me escape my head. All the thoughts weighing me down just disappear as soon as I open up a book" Wow, I was not expecting to spill all of that out. And the embarrassing part was that was the short version.
Ms Venable's eyes were slightly narrowed, looking at me.
"And what are the thoughts weighing you down?" Something about her made me want to tell her. But I couldn't. Why would I open up to someone who got pleasure out of punishing others? Oh yeah, because I had a mad crush on her? I wasn't denying that fact, because I knew I had. But what I didn't know was how big it would turn out to be. Ms Venable noticed my hesitation, and her face softened slightly. What the fuck?!?! Her face SOFTENED?!?!
"Ms Aldean, I'm not going to bite you, or punish you for answering questions" Her voice had also grown more normal, and not steely cold.
I was kind of lost for words, talking to her about my feelings would have been the stuff of nightmares if anyone had asked me another time, but right now, I'm my safe library haven, with the beautiful Ms Venable....
"I don't know what to say" And that was true.
"Okay then, start with why you isolate yourself and always look like you're carrying the world on your shoulders." Her words felt curious. Fucking hell, was that the impression I gave off?
Glancing at her, she nodded in slight encouragement. To hell with it, who else did I have that I could spill to?
"Before the apocalypse, I didn't have a great life. I was in and out of jobs, constantly moving around the stand because of lack for money. I've never had a proper family I guess, it was always just me and my cat Livie. Even though my life was so incredibly dull and hard, that loneliness was nothing compared going through this shitty apocalypse." I was out of breath, I'd said that all very quickly. Ms Venable just stared at me, thinking deeply.
"That can't have been a very enjoyable life Ms Aldean" She looked kind of sad, but I must have imagined that.
"It is what it is." My voice was now quite quiet.
We sat in silence for a bit, but it was half comfortable. I was still trying to wrap my head around the situation. After a while, Ms Venable spoke.
"In my heart there was a kind of fighting, that would not let me sleep." Ms Venable murmured, but just loud enough for me to hear it. Another Hamlet quote. It warmed my heart because it sounded like she'd picked the perfect one for the situation.
"D-Do you read?...." I stammered, asking a slight personal question for the first time to her.
Her body stiffened uncomfortably. It was like her guard had immediately been put up again, and I mentally cursed myself for saying anything in the first place.
But then to my surprise, her shoulders relaxed slightly again.
"Yes, I used to, before here. Very often" Her eyes glazed over for a few seconds at the memory.
"I'm guessing you were a Shakespeare fan like me" I'd grown a little confidence now that she'd relaxed a little bit.
"I was, also all of the classics" Interesting, very interesting, because that was exactly me.
"Me too. Do you ever come here to read?"
Then suddenly Ms Venable stood up as soon as my mouth shut.
"Dinner in half an hour" And she was gone. I was left feeling empty and confused. Did I say something wrong? All I'd asked was if she'd come to the library before. And also, why did I feel empty? Could it be because that conversation made me feel the warmest and comfortable I had ever done in years?
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