The first girl I ever liked was Madeline Rylin.
Maddie and I had been friends most of our lives, though when we spent time together, it was often in the company of Roiben and Mercucio. I still remember the day when everything changed. At least, when everything changed concerning Maddie. I was thirteen year old—Roiben, Merc, and I were waiting impatiently in the Rylin House hall for Madeline to come down, as we were about to do some activity or another. I can't remember what we were going to do now—I only remember her. Maddie descended the stairs—her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail—wearing a pair of dark blue jeans paired with a sky blue blouse that brought out the color in her eyes; the outfit, while modest, showcased her blossoming curves and figures. She smiled at us, and while I normally would have joined Merc and Roiben in their complaints about her taking so long, I remained silent. That was the day that everything changed; I no longer saw a long-time friend—I saw a girl. A pretty girl.
Maddie was tall. At thirteen she was 173cm. Neither Roiben nor Mercucio had quite met her height at the time, despite their cracking voices and awkward strands of facial hair beginning to invade their chins. While I maintained my boyish skin and tenor, I stood at 175cm—a full 2 centimeters taller than Maddie, of which I was very proud. Mama and Papa were tall, though Mama was notoriously a "late bloomer" as Grandmama will never let any of us forget, which could account for my lack of most puberty signs. One day I was boasting to our little friend group how I was the tallest, even taller than Maddie, and went on about how I was sure to dwarf her one day. Of course, I was secretly trying to impress Madeline by emphasizing that I was taller than her when many boys were not. I knew that girls liked tall boys. Instead of gushing over my impressive height of 175cm, Maddie teased me about my baby voice and baby skin. Of course, I pretended like her teasing meant nothing to me, but I took it to be very hard. That night, I asked Mr. Prescott if he would teach me how to shave. He looked a little confused, but the dear man obliged me and showed me how to use the shaving cream and the razor. That night I shaved a hairless face.
I remember laying stretched out on Mercucio's luxurious bed one evening, staring up at his ornate golden ceiling. The François were the richest family in Aregano, afterall.
"Do you think Maddie wants someone more manly?" I asked Mercucio.
"Probably," he answered, flopping down next to me. "You may be the tallest of us, but you still sound like a baby."
I bolted upright. "I'm not a baby!" I protested.
Merc remained on his back, but tucked his hands behind his head. "Doesn't matter. You sound like one."
I raked my hands through my hair and groaned as I collapsed on the bed yet again. "Well it's not my fault my voice isn't deep yet! And now Maddie won't like me."
"Look, Maddie teases all of us. She always has. I don't see what the big deal is," Mercucio said.
"I just want her to like me!" I exclaimed. "And what if she doesn't because of my baby voice?"
"Maybe you can do other things to convince her of your manliness," Merc said. "What's the most manly thing you've ever done?"
We spent the night plotting how to convince Maddie of my manliness. The conversation, in retrospect, was a bit ironic, as later it was always Mercucio who came to me to talk about some girl he liked who didn't like him. It was later on when I realized just how truly pathetic I sounded.
For a few weeks, I tried many new things to make Madeline like me. I continued to shave my hairless face, I started to wear cologne, and I began talking more about the adult-ish things I was learning about ruling a country (which probably bored her more than anything else). However, I felt that all my efforts were in vain because at the end of the day, I still sounded quite young. One morning, I determined that I was going to learn how to sound like a man. That was what Maddie wanted. I decided that the manliest person I knew was my own father. His voice was deep and powerful; he sounded like a lion.
Of course, I was a bit nervous to approach my father. He was always so busy and I didn't want to bother him. Mama knew of my crush on Madeline, because of course I told her that I liked her, but I didn't know if she had told Papa or not. Maybe he'd find it silly. Yes, I was sure that he would, so I determined to tell him that I wanted to sound more authoritative. He'd like that. He was always proud of me when I took steps towards becoming a better king.
"Coleman, what do you want?" He snapped when I walked into the room. I balked and apologized, telling him it wasn't all that important. I guess he felt bad, because Papa softened and said he was sorry. He asked for me to come in and sit by him on the sofa, to which I happily obeyed. I remember him sighing deeply before looking at me carefully.
"Look at you," he said. He smiled at me. "You're not a little boy anymore. You're growing up so fast."
I wondered if my cologne and shaving had something to do with it, though looking back I highly doubt that.
Papa then apologized for snapping at me. "I have just been having a frustrating experience with my advisors, and I took it out on you and that was wrong."
"That's okay, Papa," I told him.
And then, Papa decided that he was going to take a break from his work and take me out to go horseback riding. He was always so busy and we never did outings like that, so needless to say I was very excited. Papa asked the kitchen to prepare a picnic basket for us, and we rode horses for a long time together while he asked me about my schooling and my friends. I decided not to talk about Madeline; he might find it silly and I didn't want to ruin the moment.
Finally, we found a nice place to picnic, and Papa and I laid out a blanket and opened up our picnic basket. As we began to eat, I asked Papa why his advisors were frustrating him.
"They are trying to control me," he told me. "Of course, they should advise me, but they want me to be and act a certain way that is contrary to who I am." He then gave me advice. "Coleman, one day you will be king. It's important that you remember who you are, and that you don't let anyone control you or change you. You must be true to yourself in order to be a good ruler."
I spent a lot of time the next week or so thinking about Papa's advice. Was I changing myself for Maddie? Was my interest in her controlling me? I was trying to change who I was in order to please her and to make her like me. But Papa wouldn't do that. A future king wouldn't do that. He would be true to himself. He wouldn't let anyone control him.
I stopped shaving. It was pointless, anyways. In fact, I altogether stopped trying to impress Maddie. I was still attracted to her, of course, but I wasn't going to change who I was to make her like me. I didn't want to be controlled, I wouldn't be controlled.
Madeline was not only the first girl I ever truly liked, but she was the first girl I ever had sex with, and I was her first as well. We were fifteen. I'd stopped chasing her like I had when I was thirteen, but ultimately she was an attractive young woman. One night, Maddie was visiting and had come up to my room. This was a rare occasion where neither Merc or Roiben were with us, and we started talking. Apparently she'd always liked me ever since we were kids and thought I was cute, which of course made the entire incident at age thirteen all the more amusing, since I was trying my best to impress her for nothing. She already liked me.
I told Maddie that I was very attracted to her, though I wasn't looking for a relationship. Internally, I had a feeling that a relationship could spell disaster for me in my resolve to be in charge of myself. It had been a good year of self-mastery.
I kissed Maddie. She kissed me back. We kept kissing. Eventually, neither of us cared about whether or not I was looking for a relationship, about whether or not I needed to be in control of myself. In that moment, we both were slaves to the basest of human instinct. Thank goodness the Countess Rylin had started Madeline on birth control when she first started her period.
I soon learned that Maddie's interest in me wasn't some anomaly. I soon learned that I didn't have to change anything about myself to garner interest. I didn't have to promise commitment, or that I'd change my ways. The girls still came, and I accepted them with open arms.