You gotta pretty face, I got this broken heart
Two starlit lovers, we were destined to be torn apart
You said you needed space, I got a couple scars
Guess you're the reason for the tears I left them where you are
.
"Auntie Ahn?" The man finally could reach the other one in the other line. "Do you know where is Seokjin? He sent me email that I could tell something was not right. I tried to call him, but he didn't pick his cellphone, even the ones from the wireless phone. I couldn't help to take a direct flight right away just to make sure Seokjin is fine."
"Wait. Are you in Seoul?"
"I'm on my way to Busan by train. I will be there in two hours but I still haven't reach Seokjin. I asked Jungkook but he seemed had no idea. Jungkook still have some assignment in the university and told me he would chase up to Busan later this afternoon."
"Okay, but, what did Seokjin tell you by email anyway?"
"Well, he said he is going to take time to rest, in Busan. And the other one is about... Marriage..."
"Marriage?" The lady repeated the word, feeling unsure. "Are you by any chance could reach us first in Geosan?"
The man knitted his eyebrows as he heard the word 'us' because Seokjin didn't mention Mrs. Ahn will come along, and why they were in Geosan. Were they wanted to stay for one night? Though the place is beautiful for sightseeing and is nice for having vacation there, but, "Geosan?" The man looked around to check if there was any sign. "Ahh, I think I can just simply get off in the next station and take taxi. But, why?"
"Me and Myungie are in hospital. I will send you our location."
"Okay, but – Wait. What? Hospital?!"
The line were cut off and the man could only sighed...
.
.
"Bomi ssi, do you have time after you finish your shift today?"
Bomi turned her head to face the man who speak on her while she washed her hands after taking care a patient in the emergency room. "Yeah, I guess. What's wrong, Leo?"
"I want to ask Bomi ssi for having some coffee with me in the coffee shop nearby, my treat, if Bomi ssi don't mind?"
"Well..." Bomi smiled. She already stayed for almost two weeks in a hospital own by her family in Goesan, and helped to supervise the emergency unit. This young man named Leo who asked her for having some coffee worked as emergency physician for about two years in the said department. And Leo was nice. "I would love to... And please be more casual with me."
"Ohh." Leo chuckled. "Okay then." He seemed relieved by the answer. "See you la---" He was happy, but he couldn't manage to finish his sentence as the head of the emergency unit shouted.
"WE ARE HAVING A GUNSHOT PATIENT! BE READY IN TWO MINUTES!!"
.
.
Seokjin chewed his lips as he could only see the paramedics did their job. They were inside the ambulance heading into the hospital. Seokjin wanted to do something. Anything. But at that most critical moment, more than any kind of help he could offer to make Namjoon stay awake, he wanted to turn back the time. He wanted to at least go back to the night when he waited Namjoon and Myungsoo come back from the summer festival. He wanted to at least receive the blue pink bunny cotton candy Namjoon and Myungsoo bought for him.
"I-I told Bongjae..." Namjoon stuttered, breathed roughly through the oxygen cannula.
"Shut up." Seokjin couldn't find any better words to reply. Even when he wanted to help Namjoon to focus on stay awake with talking.
"To help Jooheon..." Namjoon added. "To pack my belonging..."
Seokjin didn't respond.
"If I can't see Myungie for a proper goodbye... Please tell Myung, I love him..."
Proper goodbye? Seokjin didn't know why, but he felt some kind of ache stung inside his heart.
This ache stung, really, for what? For Seokjin didn't want Namjoon to stay in his cottage? For Seokjin didn't want Myungsoo getting more closer with Namjoon, and didn't want the baby boy to know about the father? For Seokjin didn't want Myungsoo to find out that despite on how much sparks the baby boy gave love to the people around especially Seokjin, the baby boy was actually came from the seed of hatred?
For anything, the ache stung inside Seokjin's heart was actually the fact that he was scared for having his heart open to love. Seokjin was scared for being loved and to receive the love he deserve. He once loved a man like being hypnotized. He once loved a man and forgot to love his own self. He once loved a man and made himself suffering. He once loved a man and the heartbreak experience way too much for him. He was young and once loved this man terribly much. He was young and stupid and his only wish was to be loved back.
His heart was bleeding for love. But his heart was stolen. And this man haven't give his heart back.
And what? Proper goodbye?
For anything, this ache stung of proper goodbye way scary. For anything, Seokjin scared to regret his decision. To run away.
And for the worst possibility, this proper goodbye could means Myungsoo would never get the chance to ask Namjoon, his own father, to become a family. The baby boy would probably would never get the chance to finally call his own father as 'daddy.' Not to mention that Myungsoo loved Namjoon so much.
"Why it's suddenly so cold around here?" Namjoon coughed and shivered, getting more pale by seconds.
Seokjin bit his lower lip. "Are we still far from the hospital?" He nervously asked the paramedics and got 'two minutes away' as the response. Yet this two minutes felt like two thousand years for him.
"Seokjin, I'm sorry... Please go back home and rest..." Namjoon tried to raise his hand to touch Seokjin's cheek. "I'm sorry for troubling you." He caressed Seokjin's cheek, and Seokjin let him. Unintentionally smeared more blood on the pretty one's rosy cheek. "I'm really sorry..." Namjoon slowly closed his eyes.
"Yah!! Namjoon!! Don't you dare to lost your consciousness!!" Seokjin unconsciously laced his fingers on Namjoon's and squeezed it. "Tell Myungie that you love him yourself!!"
Namjoon could only smile. Mumbled I'm sorry while trying to fight the sleepiness.
.
Maybe another place, maybe another time
Till then, let's say goodbye, I'll see you in another life
.
Along with Leo and a nurse, Bomi ran into the ambulance that finally arrived in front of the emergency unit, ready to take her duty and examine the patient. But hey, she didn't expect to see Seokjin. And Namjoon as the gunshot patient.
"N-namjoon?" Bomi was so shocked she froze and did nothing, so that Leo quickly did the vital sign check. "Seokjin, what happened?" She asked the pretty one in confussion.
But, Seokjin didn't know either.
"Seokjin?" Bomi lightly shook Seokjin's arm. "Please answer me."
"Bomi, you know him?" Leo asked as he and the nurse started to drag the emergency stretcher into the surgery room.
"My cousin."
Leo nodded. "Bomi, you better not assisting the surgery. Let me and dr. Ken handling it." He gently pulled Bomi and turned his attention into Seokjin that looked so messy. "Please help him to clean up. I will do my best." He then left the two.
Bomi knew, Leo was right, so she came closer to approach Seokjin, being professional and instinctively as a doctor, she gently dragged Seokjin into one of the corner of the emergency room, checking on the pretty guy. "Did you hurt somewhere?"
'Hurt'? Sure. But this 'hurt' certainly where? Seokjin had no idea.
"I..." Seokjin wanted to explain while Bomi checking on his condition. "I didn't know what was happened." He chewed his lips more. "I'm on my way to Busan. I was in the rest area for lunch and someone came endangered everyone with a knife. Namjoon tried to save me..."
Bomi cleaned up the blood on Seokjin's cheeks as she listened. She couldn't grasp the situation, because Seokjin said the man brought a knife, but Namjoon came to the hospital with a gunshot injury. And Namjoon definitely didn't look good. But hey, were they in their way heading to Busan, together? She needed more explanation. She was about to ask more when a voice distracted both her and Seokjin.
.
Mrs. Ahn failed to calm herself as she running through the hallway corridor into the emergency room. She arrived in the emergency unit about an hour before, when Bomi wasn't there. She took care Myungsoo in the hospital pavilion, and then she heard about the gunshot accident from Jaehyun. She wanted Namjoon to survive, no doubt. But they won't know what could probably happen.
And over this misfortune, all she wanted to do was to explain. To let Seokjin know the pieces of dark secret she had kept for so long. She won't wait anymore. She better reveal everything she knew, before it's too late.
"Seokjin?! Bomi?! Ohh dear..."
"Auntie?" Bomi gasped as she didn't know why everyone suddenly all around her with such condition. "Why are you here?"
"Long story, dear." Mrs Ahn reached the two when a nurse came to handed Seokjin a pajamas to change his clothes.
"My baby boy?" Seokjin anxiously asked Mrs. Ahn.
"I leave Myungsoo with Bomin and Jooheon. He is sleeping right now."
"Myungie also in this hospital?" Bomi asked while helping Seokjin to change his clothes into pajamas.
Mrs. Ahn nodded. "A light fever."
"Fever?" Seokjin gasped, hopped off the bed by reflex, but Mrs. Ahn stopped him. Forced him to sit back into the bed.
"The doctor said he will be okay. And you better not see him in this mess."
"But..."
"Later. For now, please take a breath and be calm." Mrs. Ahn reassured.
Then Bomi realized things a bit late. "Wait. Even Bomin and Jooheon here? What happened, really..." She sighed.
Seokjin bit his lower lip. "Bomi, I'm sorry. I really didn't know... Namjoon saved me, but —"
"Whatever happened, I'm sure it wasn't your fault..." Bomi smiled bitterly between her own confussion.
"Seokjin..." Mrs. Ahn cleared her throat. "This is not the right time... But I have the urge to tell you. About the agreement..."
Not only Seokjin got the attention fully into Mrs. Ahn. As well Bomi.
"Seokjin darling, your parents signed an agreement with Namjoon's father without telling nor asking both of you and Namjoon. You probably know a little. You were suffered because we failed to take care of you. And we thought you won't keep your baby..."
Just a little explanation like an introduction into something deeper, Seokjin got his eyes teary. That was almost true. Not that he didn't want the baby. He loved kids. He once loved Namjoon. He just didn't want to bring new soul to the world to suffer...
"We are sorry for you... But, to make it clear, I need to tell you... Namjoon didn't know you were carrying his son. After Hyosang and Bomi rescued you, and made Namjoon to reflect on his crime, Namjoon's father didn't let him to see your parents to ask your forgiveness, unless you parents agree to let Namjoon marry you..." Mrs. Ahn squeezed Seokjin's hands. And Seokjin just blankly staring his own hands on his laps.
Bomi could only listening. Silently. She also know a little about the agreement, but not much... She didn't even know Seokjin was pregnant...
"Later I found out from his own father, Namjoon was so desperate. He wanted to see you, he wanted to admit his crime. He wanted to face any consequences, but you know... KIMs... And at that critical time, your parents decided to refuse Namjoon's father offerings. A marriage. Because..." She cupped Seokjin's face lovingly. "What kind of parents would let his loving child to marry his rapist... And at the other hand, Namjoon was at his lowest point. He attempted suicide at the same day we found you unconscious bleeding in the hospital room."
Seokjin couldn't hold his tears anymore. To finally found out a little more about the truth. Both him and Namjoon tried to kill themselves, just right after being rescued.
And now it's another critical time. They were waiting a surgery and didn't know what kind of result could be...
Seokjin bit his lower lip. For a moment with conflicted feelings, Seokjin let those tears streamed down on his cheeks with no shame. "N-namjoon... begged me for forgiveness... B-but I need time... I wish I could forgive him easily, but it's hard..."
Mrs. Ahn brushed Seokjin's hair to soothe the one's nerve and shoo the misery. She tried. "I understand... As I undestand it's hard for Namjoon to give up on you... As much as he wanted to fix all the mess he did. Though Namjoon was sincere, and I know how much he loves you, but still, he was being rude for asking you to let him stay, when it's hard for you to forgive him..."
Seokjin cried harder.
And Bomi felt the urge to interfere. Because she made her own promises. A promise between her and Namjoon's mother. To protect Namjoon. She wanted to cry for her beloved cousin. Like, why. Why Namjoon had to be like this... She didn't promise her aunt to protect Namjoon over the crime he did. Namjoon was wrong, but she had hope, for Namjoon could get second chance.
She wanted to cry, yet her ego told her to stay strong. When it's actualy okay to not be okay. And this kind of mask that Taehyung didn't like of Bomi. Bomi forced herself to always be tough.
"On Namjoon's behalf, please accept my apologize." Bomi bowed down in front of Seokjin that still sat on the hospital bed. "Seokjinnie... Please forgive us for anything we did in the past."
Seokjin was about to answer and respond, that Bomi didn't need to do that. Seokjin was about to climbed down the hospital bed to hug Bomi, when a nurse interuppted.
"Doctor Bomi, Doctor Leo needed you in the surgery room. It's emergency."
.
Seokjin shakily wiped the tears on his cheeks. Climbed down the hospital bed, and rushed to follow Bomi that bowed once more before she hurriedly left heading into the surgery room. But when he was almost reached the waiting room of the surgery room, someone with this certain familiar voice he knew best shouted his name.
Seokjin turned his head to see this certain person.
"H-hyosang?"
.
Hyosang just came into the hospital, just as Mrs. Ahn asked him. And he knew, though Seokjin sent him email and asked him whether he had spare time to talk face to face, he knew, Seokjin didn't expect to see him this fast.
.
It always feels like we're out here alone
We're searching for new life, but how could we know?
.
It was kinda awkward for Seokjin and Hyosang. And they haven't finish their long talks when Bomi came out from another door not far from the main surgery room. And the young lady just blankly staring the tiles, walked beside the hospital stretcher that being dragged by a nurse. Someone laid there, fully covered with white fabric cloth cover.
Wait. No way.
Seokjin automatically moved his feet to make sure. But the wrong feelings halted him. He froze.
That was so wrong. As long as I don't have to see Namjoon. Ever again. This, wasn't the way Seokjin wanted to run from the man. He scared with the thoughts of Namjoon would take Myungsoo away from him. But he was wrong. He could feel that Namjoon won't do such thing. And the guilty feelings getting worse with the fact that the baby boy wanted the man to be part of the family. Without knowing that that the man was actually a family.
Namjoon might not a good man for him, but indeed a great father for Myungsoo, their son.
That was so wrong. He tried to hold his tears, as he remembering those days...
Those days, when he missed Namjoon so bad, he could only hugged the pink teddy Namjoon gave him. But when he could finally see the man, he saw him kissed this woman. He admitted, he was jealous.
At some point, lately, Seokjin realized, he and Namjoon were actually had mutual feelings. The misunderstandings and lack of luck made them suffered. They were actually didn't stop longing for each other. Secretly wished the fate could be way more kind for them.
"There comes a point. Where you don't give a damn if there's a light at the end of the tunnel or not. You're just sick of the tunnel. You don't care anymore. You don't want to walk anymore."
"Namjoon, look at me. Namjoon... If I let you to finish any revenge you want... When you done with the revenge, will you listen? Will you listen to me? Will you let me help?"
"Why are you so sure about him? I myself have so much doubts on him..."
"Because... Because I believe he will listen... Can you please make a cup of warm chamomile tea for Namjoon?"
"I will koala you I don't care you like it or not, unless you tell me when will you release me so we can be friends and hang out like normal people! At least be friends!"
"Next month."
"For real?"
"If Mr. Kim is family, Mr. Kim will come? Can we phone call Mr. Kim? Myung will ask Mr. Kim to be family."
The bloody misunderstandings...
Seokjin wanted to treat himself way more soft. And he wanted to forgive. Forgive himself for anything happened in the past. Forgive his feelings. Forgive for being tough and locked his heart so anyone could never enter. He wanted to forgive himself, for not letting Myungsoo get the truth about the father, nor call Namjoon as 'daddy.' Forgive himself for everything. Forgive, so he could make his soul way more peaceful. As for anything, Seokjin wanted to heal...
He only needed to see Namjoon and tell the man. They are friends.
Seokjin dragged his feet to get closer. Forced himself to see. The moment Seokjin opened the fabric cloth cover, he screamed Namjoon's name and cried his heart out.
Sometimes when you love someone
You gotta let them go, let them go...
.
[Flashback]
Namjoon pulled the brake of his car in front of the most fancy handcrafted gift shop in the town. Despite on hatred feelings, he won't deny that he had crush for Seokjin over anything. He admitted that what had happened to his beloved friend Hoseok was something he couldn't forgive. The thoughts of Hoseok has commited suicide - he didn't know yet the truth behind the tragedy - Seokjin was the only one to blame. He had so much hatred, yet his heart was actually stolen since the first time he saw Seokjin in the university library.
And lately, Namjoon felt conflicted. He had to make a revenge for Hoseok, but the way Seokjin treated him soft and loving made his heart fluttered.
And that day, after the koala crumpets, he didn't know why, but he really wanted to buy something nice and lovely for Seokjin.
Namjoon himself admitted that he felt the weird ache stung inside his heart since the chamomile tea affection. The stung feelings for Hoseok. The confusion between hatred, frustration, and the softness on the corner of his brokenheart that told him the pretty one was being genuine and sincere.
And then that day, Namjoon decided to buy something from this fancy gift shop.
A woman greeted him and offered some help. "Is it a gift for birthday? Or Anniversary?"
"Uhh..." Namjoon tilted his head and looked around to see if there was something nice and lovely. "I just want to give him something nice... Like, saying thank you for cooking me a dinner?"
The woman smiled. "Your lover, Sir? Or already married?"
"He is..." Namjoon clamped his mouth. "A friend..."
"Okay." The woman smiled. "I think I get it." She asked Namjoon to follow her into the teddy bear corner. "The way you talked about him, you may give your special person this special edition of fluffy pink teddy, sir." She handed Namjoon the fluffy pink teddy. "Lovely. And it's limited."
It's pink and pretty. Namjoon could feel the calm and softness the moment he touched the recommended fluffy pink teddy. He smiled. He unconsciously smiled. Seokjin must be happy to receive such gift. But, wait. Why the hell he needed to think if Seokjin will be happy or not. It doesn't matter. He only wanted to say thanks, as he promised to be friends, and that's all.
"Okay. I'll take this."
In the following night, Namjoon drove into the old mansion and when he arrived he heading right away into the cockloft bedroom. He wanted to casually give the fluffy pink teddy, but Seokjin was sleeping. Seokjin usually would wake up whenever he heard noises, but that night the pretty one seemed into the deep slumber. Looked pale, the pretty one was sleeping like nothing bothered him.
"Jin?" Namjoon checked by lightly poking the arm, "Hey?" But Seokjin didn't react. Though Seokjin looked so pale, he also looked so peaceful. At some point, with all the stupid things he already did, Namjoon didn't have heart to wake Seokjin up. He decided to put the pink teddy beside Seokjin's pillow.
With all the stupid things he already did, Namjoon felt conflicted, as he thought Hoseok had his eyes on Seokjin, as Seokjin was the cause of Hoseok's death, when Namjoon himself was actually fall for Seokjin. The fact that the name 'Jin' and the date '041292' was written on the last page inside Hoseok's olive green lyrics book evoked the hatred. He would be fine to give up Seokjin for Hoseok. But what? Hoseok died. And it was Seokjin's fault. As he thought Seokjin was at fault to get the blame.
But then again, after all the stupid things he already did, he had crush for Seokjin. His heart was stolen. And all he got was a heartbreak. He hated everything. He hated to admitted that he felt upset, that his beloved friend also had crush for Seokjin.
He hated everything. Yet, he made a promise, to give Seokjin a chance. To be friends with him.
Namjoon sat on the edge of the matress and just staring Seokjin, as the pretty one sleeping peacefully, breathed calmly with parted chapped lips. Namjoon just stayed and quietly watched the pale pretty face for some more moments, before he bent down, to gave a light kiss on Seokjin's temple.
Inhaled the sweet scents of Seokjin, Namjoon slowly pulled his lips away from Seokjin's soft skin, while adoring the beauty. Feeling conflicted, he bit his lower lip. "I'm not sure about the idea of being friends... But for now, sleep tight..."
Tenderly, Namjoon caressed Seokjin's cheek with his knuckles, before he finally stood up, and left the room quietly.
Both of him and Seokjin probably needs time. As he needed time to heal, from the hatred feelings.
But hey... To be friends. Sounds right and beautiful.
Namjoon closed the door behind him with the thoughts that he betrayed his late beloved friend Hoseok. But he couldn't hide a smile plastered on his handsome face, sincere, for Seokjin.
[End of Flashback]
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A/N:
The italic lines were lyrics of Sleeping With Sirens "I Need To Know"