Christmas is fast approaching, and I haven't found the joy to my world. Sam already made plans that we'll be spending the holidays with his family, which bummed Mitch out because we had planned that we'll be spending it with her. Wala naman akong magawa, whatever Sam says, goes, even if it means Clyde wouldn't be happy.
And I fucking felt horrible. Sabi ko gagawin ko lahat para sumaya ang anak ko pero kabaliktaran lahat ng nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Bakit ang hirap maging isang mabuting magulang?
I looked at my reflection as I turned side to side to check if I really want to wear this red, satin, long dress Mitch picked for me. When I told her that there's a possibility I might see Gio at the company's Christmas party, she yelled over the phone saying, "Get your sexy ass up, bestfriend. You're going shopping!"
With her screaming and shrieking her every order via video call, we came into an agreement of just buying this dress. It's a little over the top for me, but Mitch insisted that this is the one.
The fabric flows effortlessly down my body. It's not too tight, but just right enough to show all my curves. It has a slit ending three inches above my knees. The front drops not to low or not to high, however it displays sufficient amount of skin to tease. The backless portion of the dress ends at my hips, and the thin string that holds the dress together overlaps each other forming an 'X'.
Nagdadalawang-isip pa rin ako kung ito ba talaga ang gusto kong suotin sa party mamayang gabi. Pinagpipilitan talaga ni Mitch. Sabi ko naman wala kaming mapapala dahil hindi naman kami naghiwalay ni Gio dahil gusto namin, naghiwalay kami para kay Clyde – na akala kong ikabubuti niya. Ngunit, sige pa rin si Mitch. Hindi naman daw namin alam kung may magandang maidudulot ito kung hindi ko susubukan. But that's the point isn't it? Hindi ko rin malalaman na may masama palang kaakibat ito kung hindi ko gagamitin.
Nagtagal pa ako sa kwarto, arguing with myself if this is really my choice of clothing. Hanggang sa nag-alarm ang phone ko, sinasabi na oras na para mag-book ng Uber going to the venue.
I sighed in defeat, so this is really what I'm wearing for tonight. I went over my make-up one more time before finally leaving the four walls of my room. Ibinilin ko muli si Clyde kay Manag Cora bago ako umalis. I went over the things she needs to do before Clyde goes to bed. Natatawa nga siya na humahanga dahil nanay na nanay raw ako kung magpaalala. I just smiled and gave the old lady a hug then went on my way.
I never bothered telling Sam where I was going since Clyde isn't with me. Wala namang pakialam 'yon basta alam niyang nasa bahay ang bata. Saka wala naman siya sa bahay tuwing gabi, so more or less hindi niya malalaman na umalis ako.
Nakapalumbaba ako habang tahimik na nagmamasid sa madilim na kapaligiran nang nasa daan na ako papunta sa party. Ilang beses kong pinaulit-ulit sa sarili ko na dapat wala akong ikakaba, wala akong dapat ipagalala. Christmas party lang naman.
Christmas party lang ba talaga, Lex? My subconscious asked. I can imagine her arching one eyebrow at me.
Napabuntong hininga ako sa kawalan. Sino nga ba ang niloko ko? Alam ko namang nagpunta lang ako dito dahil alam kong makikita ko si Gio; kahit sa malayo, kahit saglit. Hindi ko ipagpapalit sa kahit na ano. Pakiramdam ko taon na simula nang huli kaming nagkita. I miss him so much. My soul craved for him. There's not a time that I thought of him without feeling my heart clenched with pain, it was the type of pain that radiates to my chest. An emotional pain damn heavy that I start to feel it physically.
Walang gabi na hindi ko hiniling na sana hindi ganito ang nangyari sa amin. Walang gabi na hindi ko kwinestyon kung bakit kami? Bakit hinayaan pa kami ng tadahang magkita sa pangalawang pagkakataon kung mauuwi lang lahat sa ganito?
I snapped my head out of my depressing thoughts. I shouldn't be thinking about that right now if I don't want my make-up ruined. My mental check was right on time because the driver finally pulled over at the event's place.
Agad ko namang nakita sila Aldrin na naghihintay sa gilid ng may entrance, malapit sa registration area.
"Aba, ang Mommy Lex. Hindi papakabog!" tugon ni Aldrin saka kinuha ang kamay ko para paikutin at makita ang kabuuan ng damit ko. I giggle as I make a twirl for them.
"Alam mo ang unfair talaga. Ako 'yong nagda-diet pero hindi ganiyan katawan ko. Samantalang si Mommy Lex, walang ka-effort effort." Nakasimangot na sambit ni Cath saka umakap.
Sandaling lumamlam ang mga mata niya, pero pinili kong hindi pansinin 'yon. Ayoko kasi munang pag-usapan. I told them a week after I left Gio's house but never did go over the details. Masakit pa kasi. And I can't tell them the story without the pain washing over me like a tidal wave.
"Kapag pinagpala ka, pagpapalain ka talaga sa lahat ano?" lumingon ako sa likuran ko at agad naman akong sinalubong ni Cyn ng akap.
Deej looked at me with a proud smile in his face. "Nasaktan. Umiyak. Mas gumanda."
"Deej!" suway ng tatlo sa kanya.
He stared at them incredulity in his eyes, "Ano? I-de-deny na lang natin 'yon? The best thing to do with pain is to face it."
He's right. 'Yon naman talaga ang ginagawa ko, pero imbis na maka-move on ako, namamanhid lang ako sa sakit ng sandal saka babagsak sa akin lahat ulit.
When silence took over, Aldrin cleared his throat. "Hay nako! Last mo na talaga 'yan ngayon Deej. Kundi majojombag kitang baklita ka."
Inirapan siya ni Deej, "Naka-americana ka lang pero bakla ka rin Aldrin, my god."
Napailing na lang sina Cyn at Cath, pero may mumunting ngiting bumisita sa kanilang mga labi. Alam kasi nila na natatawa ako kapag nagtatalo ang dalawang ito.
Natagalan kaming pumasok dahil nakipagtalo pa si Deej sa events coordinator sa seating. Hindi ko kasi sila katabi gawa nang nasa ibang opisina na ako. Kung anu-ano ng lumabas sa bibig ni Deejay na rason hanggang sa napagod na lang ata si Ate Coordinator kaya pinayagan niya kaming mag-singit ng isa pang-upuan sa table nila. Wala kasi akong close na kagaya ng pagkakaibigan namin sa project ko ngayon, kaya hindi raw nila ako hahayaang malamon ng sarili kong pag-iisip kung sakaling makita ko man si Gio.
Kasalukyan kaming nagkwe-kwentuhan at nag-eenjoy naman ako sa mga istorya nilang minsan alam kong gawa-gawa na lang. Maya maya pa lamang ay natigil si Cyn sa pagsasalita, sinundan namin ang tingin niya at nakita si Ferris at Aya.
Hindi ko alam kung magtatago ako o ano, pero mukhang hindi naman nila ako nakita dahil dinaanan lang nila ako at dumiretso sa mesa nilang isa lang pagitan sa amin.
"Mommy Lex, sorry. Hindi naman namin alam na VIP table pala 'yong mga 'yon." Bulong ni Aldrin.
It's either face the pain or run away from it, pagpapaalala ko sa sarili ko.
I shook my head at him and let out a small smile. "O-okay lang, wala na tayong magagawa."
"Ano ba kayo! Strong 'yan si Mommy Lex!" ani ni Deej na mistulang nagpapalakas ng loob ko. "Saka 'di naman tayo sure kung pupunta 'yong mga partners ni Sir Ferris since nasa extension project sila."
"Well, ako ngayon sure na." agad naman na sambit ni Cyn saka ngumuso.
One by one, they appear in our eyes. Si Lev at Gie, si Kuya Cube at Ate Amy, Brinx at Q, saka tumambad sa amin si Gio.....na may kasamang iba.
They have their arms hook together and it's like a scene playing in slow motion right before my eyes. Nakita ko ang pagbulong ni Gio sa kanya, ang pagtawa ng babaeng 'yon, 'yong pasimple niyang pagpalo sa dibdib ni Gio at ang pagngiti sa kanya ng lalakeng mahal ko.
It was everything I wish, and everything I know I can't have back. Nangilid ang luha ko saka ako yumuko. Inuuhan ng pagpunas baka sakaling tumigil ito at hindi na tumuloy.
"Lexy. . . " Tawag ni Cyn pero hindi ko sila kayang harapin. Ayaw ko ring tumungo dahil ayaw ko nang makita ang nangyayari.
"C-cr muna ako." paalam ko pagkatapos ng ilang sandali. Nagkita ko ang kagustuhang humabol nina Cyn at Cath ngunit pinanguhan lang sila ng iling ni Aldrin.
I just need to be alone. I don't know why wallowing in the sea of this misery is the weapon I chose for this fight. Kinabahan akong makita muli si Gio, pero hindi ko naisip na sa tanan ng panahong naghiwalay kami, pwede siyang makahanap ng iba. At may Karapatan siya roon, Karapatan niyang sumaya. At labas na ako sa mga bagay na gusto niyang gawin pa.
Ganito ba talaga? Kapag wala sa tamang hulog mas mahirap kontrolin ang damdamin? Mas mahirap patigilin at pagsabihan ang puso sa mga hindi na pwede.
Nakaupo lang ako sa loob ng cubicle, pinag-iisipan kung mas ikabubuti ko bang umuwi na lang. 'Yong dagundong ng puso ko, sumasakit na pero ayaw pa rin paawat.
Nagtext na si Cyn sinasabing nagsimula na ang first round ng raffle at awarding ng loyalty. Binasa ko lang pero hindi ko ni-reply-an, sigruo magpaparito na lang ako hanggang sa matapos ang party.
My mind drifted to the girl Gio is with. God, she's so pretty. Siya 'yong babaeng gumaganda nang gumaganda habang matagal mong tinititigan. She has that long almost-gold locks that eventually goes darker on top. She stands tall and confident. Sobrang bagay sila ni Gio.
A blub abscond my throat, making it harder to keep my tears from falling. I looked up the ceiling and started fanning my eyes.
"Don't fall, don't fall. . . " I whispered like a fervent prayer.
Then I heard the door opening followed by voices, voices I knew damn well I'm familiar to.
"Kamusta naman? Kinakaya mo pang mahiwalay sa anak mo?" I heard Gie asking. I think she's talking to Q, narinig ko kasi na nanganak na siya at siya lang naman ang buntis sa kanila noon.
She groaned. "Sobrang hirap. But Brinx insisted we need to be here because you know. . ." her voice trailing off.
Someone sighed, "Chance said the same thing. Kaya iniwan muna namin si Chad sa mommy at daddy niya." Ate Amy's soothing, angelic voice came through.
Said what?
"Anyway, ano nga ulit pangalan nang kasama ni Gio?" pag-iiba ni Gie sa usapan. I heard someone popping her lips as if retouching her lipstick. May nag-flush din sa tabing cubicle and I think it's Aya, basing from the color of her dress.
"Hindi ko rin masyadong maintindihan kanina." She said joining the conversation.
I heard the faucet water running and then the dryer muffling the next part of the conversation.
"Paz? Like La Paz Batchoy?" was the thing I heard next, coming from Gie.
Q laughed. "Yup. But he calls her Ace sometimes. Idk why."
Good god, even her name's beautiful. Napailing ako. I really need to get out of here. I look like a creep eavesdropping their discussions, plus I don't think I can stomach the next parts.
"They need each other. Kaya maayos na rin na magkasama sila."
I didn't know who said that because my mind went straight into fucking haywire. Need each other. My mind echoed.
I really need to leave.
I flushed the toilet even though I didn't use it. I immediately opened the cubicle's door, still not sure what reaction I would get.
Halata namang gulat sila pero hindi ko na hinintay kung may sasabihin ba sila o wala. I stomped right out of the comfort room, took the backdoor and hailed a cab.
Nasa taxi pa lang ako pero iyak na ako nang iyak. I sent Mitch a chat telling her than I need her to call me. I immediately slipped beside Clyde the moment I got home. He was already sleeping, and I tried so hard not to shake while I hold my sobs locked.
Why was I not ready for this? Gio's every girls' dream and pretty much a bachelor. Bakit hindi ko naisip na magkakaroon at magkakaroon siya ng girlfriend after me?
Saka ko naalala 'yong sinabi ni Manang Cora, baka oras na nga parabumitiw.