It was darker than I anticipated. I didn't dare use the small flashlight I found until I was clear of the Village. I stumbled quietly along the path, relying more on memory and touch than sight to guide me. After a few heart pounding moments, I made it to the section of fence that I stood by earlier. I could barely make out its silhouette. Instead of approaching it immediately, I stayed hidden in the nearby trees and shrubs and waited.
As I thought, a Villager meandered by with a lantern after a minute or two. A guard. I needed to be patient and determine how long it was between patrols so I could have the most time to escape. Who knew what being caught meant for me? My guess was either another long stay in the dark room at best or a death sentence at the worst.
Regardless, I didn't want to take my chances. I watched the guard walk away and waited for the next to come by.
I didn't make it that long, though.
Suddenly, a twig snapped behind me. A firm hand gripped my arm, pulling me back. It felt as though I couldn't breathe. How did the guard find me? I didn't move! He had no idea-
"Quiet," came your voice. I couldn't decide if that was an improvement over the guard or not. But I did as told. There was no use in fighting now.
You pulled me back into the Village where there would be no more patrols, where at this time of night, no one would see us. You released me, lighting a lantern you brought with you. You were illuminated in a dangerous light, your brows furrowed, lips thin. I never saw you so angry before.
So hurt.
"How did you find me-" I started without thinking.
"I was there the whole time. Your dog started whimpering as soon as you left the room." You explained helplessly. "I just wanted to see what you were doing- what you were planning-" you words stopped, hardening. "Just what were you planning?"
I hated feeling like a child being lectured, a teenager caught trying to sneak out. Letting the bag drop I was holding, my few supplies of fruit, bread, and water fell out. "If you were following me the entire time," I sneered, "I imagine it's quite obvious what I was planning."
"What was your plan?" You repeated through gritted teeth. It was obvious you were holding yourself back from yelling louder.
"I already told you-"
"No, you didn't!" You interrupted deafeningly. "Blindly leaving and hoping for the best isn't a plan."
You had me there. I couldn't form a word, but I didn't want to be so easily defeated either. "I-I-"
"Say you actually made it around the fence without being caught first," you continued. "What next?"
I shrugged, suddenly feeling so small against you. My eyes fell to the ground.
"What direction would you have gone? How far would you travel before deciding that that direction was hopeless?" It was question after question that I had no answer to, each fired so rapidly I wouldn't have been able to answer if I tried. "How lost would you have become? How long were you planning to take, because those meager supplies? They wouldn't have lasted long. You could've been hurt! You could've died if you weren't found first!" You ranted with a mixture of concern, anger, and fear.
Of everything you said, I realized, it wasn't my leaving you that angered you. It was the fact I probably would've been hurt or worse. You were only like this because you cared.
And for some reason, that made this hurt even more.
"So now let's think about the more likely option: what if you didn't succumb to nature first? What if you were found outside the fence? Do you know the consequences? That is the ultimate breach in all our trust. Once found, which I promise you would've happened, there are no second chances. Do you know what that means for you?" Your words fell, "What it would mean for me? I would've lost you."
Each word was a punch to the gut. There was no bright side in the dark cave I found myself trapped in. There was no glass half full point of view because it was empty. No matter what, I'd lose, and so would you. If I stayed, you'd still lose me. You just didn't know that yet. My vision began to blur at the hopelessness of the situation. How could I explain myself when I couldn't form a word? What could I say without making the situation worse?
"You should be thankful I found you first," you said as the anger left your voice, leaving only hurt and pain behind. Betrayal, an old friend I knew far too well. "You should be thankful that I can be forgiving, that I don't have to tell anyone what happened here." You paused, "I just need to know why. Why did you do this?"
I shook my head. This was an answer I couldn't give.
The rage dissipated from your demeanor now. You looked tired, disappointed. "That's not an option. I never want to call you names, Evelyn, but what caused you to be so impulsive, so stupid?"
I crouched, my entire world collapsing. I sunk my head to my chest, making myself as small as possible. "Stop yelling at me."
"I'm not yelling anymore, but I need an answer. I need to understand. I- I thought that we were better," you shook your head defeated. Your voice was controlled, but it was slightly hoarse. "After last night, I thought we were on the mend."
You thought wrong.
I stayed low to the ground. After a few minutes of silence, a sigh escaped your lips. You came down to my level. Your voice was soft, "Come on, Evie, talk to me. We need to fix this. What can I do differently, if that's what you need?"
I shook my head again. With you so close, it was harder to stay silent.
"Let me help you," you tried again.
"You can't," my voice was tiny. My body shook. After experiencing so much of it, I still did not handle fear well.
"I'm sure that's not true," you coaxed. You went from angry, to upset, to comforting so fast it was hard for me to respond. I understood you were trying your best to mend things, but this wasn't something that could be.
Your hand grazed my shoulder, but on contact, I fell backwards. You stared at your hand as though you did something wrong, but I fell back in my own, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you." At the moment, your touch was too much. I sat back and stared at you with wide eyes much like a deer caught in headlights. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to run. All I could do was face the consequences that my position put me in.
Tonight, was my day of reckoning. This wouldn't end until you had your answer, and I was so tired of lying. Besides, I don't think I would've been able to think of one that wouldn't land me in trouble. The truth, as bad as it was, needed to be heard. It'd be the ultimate test of the vow you made me.
Of whether you'd always love me or not.
I met your eyes and held them, but the words weren't as direct as I hoped. "I'm scared of dying. I ran because I'm scared of dying," I confessed, beating around the bush. It was like pulling teeth: painful and messy for the both of us.
You looked at me, irritation sweeping across your features. "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not going to put you in danger?"
I shook my head, "You don't get it. After all this time, you haven't caught on," I muttered. How to say these words? It wasn't too late to change my mind.
"Then help me to understand. I'm not very observant. You've told me before how I don't understand you as much as I think I do, and despite how much I want to argue that statement, I can't," you plead.
"I-I-" I couldn't do it. Maybe I could think of something else, after all. Something that wouldn't put me directly in danger.
"Evelyn," you coaxed. "Let me help you."
Let you help me? As bad as it sounded, after what you told me tonight, did I really have another option? In telling you the truth, am I making a mistake?
Your mother's warning to keep this secret echoed through my mind one final time, but damn it, I couldn't keep it in anymore. It was like vomit, the words sour on my mouth, but I felt better after saying them. I spoke just above a whisper, "I can't have children."
You heard it, nonetheless. It was as though time stopped, all sound but that between us disappearing. Eyes widening, your mouth fell agape. "What?" I could hear your disbelief, your sadness. Your hope that you had misheard me.
I looked up to you, letting all my vulnerability show. Not being able to repeat it again, all I could say was, "I'm sorry." I offered no further explanation. It's not one that you'd understood anyway.
"The ritual-" you began, but I shook my head.
Waiting for a response, my heart felt like a hammer in my chest. I waited for you to get angry, to yell, to blame me. I waited for the entire Village to come at me with pitchforks since I couldn't provide you with what I promised to.
None of the happened.
You looked unsure of what to say, what to do. I'm sure this was the farthest from what you were expecting to hear from me. After a moment, you lowered yourself to the same level as me and sat beside me. "That's okay," your voice was hoarse. Even in the dim lantern light, I could see the glossiness of your eyes. Tentatively, you wrapped your arms around my shaking frame. "That's okay," you repeated.
Your voice broke.
You pulled me close and held me so tight it was as if you were holding on for dear life.
Or maybe it was mine you clung to.
I'm not sure what response I was expecting from you, but it wasn't this.
In a strange way, it felt as though a weight was lifted off my chest. Keeping that a secret affected me more than I realized. Sure, it was up to you now, but by the way you held me, I didn't feel so alone.
It was impossible for me to gauge the inner turmoil inside your mind. I didn't realize how torn you were in that moment because as you held me, it felt as if I had your complete fidelity.
"Aren't you mad?"
You considered for a moment as you rested your chin on my head. Your words were quiet, soft, "Of course not. Sad and shocked, yes, but angry? No. I'm just sorry you felt like you couldn't tell me sooner."
"What are we going to do, Caleb?" I was desperate. "Just earlier tonight, you told me I could be killed for breaking my vow to the Gods." Somehow, you held me tighter. "I don't want to die."
"I- I don't know." I could hear the honesty in your words. "I won't let anyone harm you, though. No one else has to know this, especially not my father. I'll protect you. We'll figure something out. We have time."
That wasn't enough of an answer for me. That was like telling someone whose house was on fire that it might be okay, that it might work itself out if they waited long enough. I needed an answer, a plan. I needed you to show up with an emergency vehicle and take action.
"Time? How long can this be kept secret for, though?" I prodded. "It feels like my life is now being determined by an hourglass, and I'm just watching helplessly as the sand is running out."
"I don't know, Evie, I don't know. I'm sorry," you answered again sounding so defeated. You truly did sound sorry, which seemed to break my resolve more. "I'll think of something. I promise."
"Can't we just leave?" I asked simply.
"You know I can't do that."
"Can't you let me go then?" I asked feebly. Wouldn't that be the one way you could ensure my safety? As it did now, the truth would come out eventually. It wouldn't be long before Issac came around asking about children again. When the time came for that, I'd be out of time. According to the Village's rules, there'd be nothing anyone could do for me. Even you, the next Prophet, would be powerless to defend me.
The only way to protect me would be to help me escape.
I think you knew this, too, which is why you clung to me even harder.
You rocked me back and forth, your chin resting atop my head. At first, I didn't think you heard me, but then something hot and salty soaked in my hair like a raindrop, and you finally croaked, "I don't know if I can."
So the truth is out! Uh oh. Caleb had a point, though. Since they are in the middle of nowhere, running away on her own with no plan would leave Evelyn good as dead. But did she make a mistake in telling him the truth?
The story is winding down here, or I guess it's building up? Either way, the end is coming soon and I'm so excited for it :)
I hope you all enjoy it!