60 ; the end
The night of October 23rd, 1981, would turn out to be my greatest mistake.
It started out almost like any other day, but I was on edge. I was much more on edge that day than I usually was, and I knew it was because I was worried as hell.
Tonight, when I got to see my brother for the first time in a month, and subsequently the last time, I was going to tell him I was pregnant.
I was more than excited to tell James he would have another niece in less than four months, but I was also terrified to tell him that I was nearly six months pregnant, and Sirius didn't know.
James would chastise me, of course, but I'd tell him the truth. I had felt the need to be as proactive in the Order as possible. That I did not want to get Sirius' hopes up if we'd just suffer another loss. I'd been going to my bi-weekly appointments, always under heavy glamour charms with Remus.
Speaking of, we had not told Remus that they'd agreed to the charm. We would wait until after the charm was done, and we'd tell him that the Secret-Keeper was Sirius.
I had pushed, very hard, for them to chose Peter.
Remus was, at that time and in my eyes, the worst choice. I had become so convinced that Remus had been trying to get Harry killed, therefore putting James and Lily in mortal danger. I was so convinced that he had made a deal.
Why?
I had woken up, on October 23rd, and promptly went to shower. As I stood there, the steaming water hitting my back and running over my shoulders, I ran a hand over my stomach.
This little girl was very small, and so my bump was closer in similarity to when I was 3 months along with Esme. I did not look like I was only less than four months from my due date, February 12th. Sirius hadn't commented on the bump, and I figured he thought it was just because I'd been eating much more than usual.
Due to my baby's blood coursing through my veins, my own blood wasn't attacking itself. I was in a standstill state of excellent health the same as with Esme and Aubrey. Plus, due to my very active state in the Order, I was out of the house on missions at least once a month, which helped my mental health an insane deal. I didn't dwell on my plans to kill Bellatrix, and my nightmares had stopped being so awful.
Overall, I was a lot happier.
But I did not forget the war. I knew that my happiness came from a place of great fortune, and I was very aware that if it weren't for the gifts given to me when I died, I wouldn't be here. I probably would be dead.
I tried not to think about what it would be like had I not been given these gifts, and this curse, but lived. I tried not to realize that my parents would likely still be alive.
We still would have joined the Order, but I wouldn't be as useful. I wouldn't be such a big target either, at least not until James and Lily were delivered the prophecy. I would have been their Secret-Keeper, and they would have been safe no matter what.
Yet, while I knew that some things would be easier, I knew that some things would be harder. All of those kids would've died in Orphanage fires, I never would have gotten as close to Dean and Kayla as I am. I likely wouldn't have my daughters, at least not the way they are.
No matter how good that life sounded, it wasn't reality.
Being as content with my health and duties as I was meant that I had an appetite. I could partially credit my baby, but I was eating full meals every day.
Seeing me eating properly, like a normal person, made Sirius very happy.
So, I finished my shower and got dressed. I then went to the kitchen, where Remus was sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper. I nodded to him as I opened the fridge to begin making breakfast.
Bacon, eggs, and toast. A simple breakfast that sounded so good.
"The full moon is next week."
"Are you going to Scotland?"
"I always do. Thank you, again, for arranging that cellar to be built. You'll never understand how much-"
"Stop thanking me," I snipped softly as I turned to face him. A part of me was infuriated that he was so calm and collected around me, knowing that he was endangering my brother. I forced that anger into the box it had sprung out of, and smiled weakly, "You're my best friend, Remus. No matter how much you drive me insane, I want you to be safe. That includes keeping you from hurting anyone."
So when this is all over, I can force you to tell me the truth.
He smiled softly before returning to his paper. I refused to look at the article headline, as it was likely about Sirius or I.
The Daily Prophet still hadn't found anything better to report on.
I went about making breakfast, and waking the girls. I got Esme settled at her little table in the living room, where she ate, drew, wrote, and did whatever else her heart desired. Remus took Aubrey and sat her beside him in her high chair, helping me juggle motherly and wife duties by feeding her baby food while I went to coax Sirius into joining us in the realm of being awake.
As I anticipated him doing, the moment I got close enough to the bed, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me onto the bed with him. I squealed, as quietly as possible, as I landed on the mattress.
Sirius stared at me for a long moment, his eyes betraying every ounce of happy content he felt.
"I love you."
"I love you," He murmured as he gently kissed me. I relished in the moment as they were few and far between now. When Sirius finally pulled away, he met my eyes and smirked, "What's for breakfast? Do I smell burnt toast?"
"You asshat!"
My husband's shenanigans had caused me to burn toast, and Remus was too busy coaxing Aubrey into opening her mouth for the 'airplane' and 'choo-choo train' to have noticed.
I made sure to serve Sirius the burnt toast.
Later that day, around the time that we were going to meet with Lily and James, we sat in our bedroom just sitting side-by-side. Esme and Aubrey were asleep, and Remus was in his room.
I had told him that Sirius and I would be leaving the house using James invisibility cloak - which I asked him to send me - so we could go into Godric's Hollow and spent the day together. He agreed when we informed him we'd have an Auror meet us down the street, and we'd be heavily glamoured.
Part of me, the same part that cherished the friendship that Remus and I had, felt bad lying to him.
He was lying to me, though, wasn't he? I shouldn't feel bad for lying to protect my family.
Sirius asked, once again, why we were so adamant about not telling Remus.
"Regulus told us there was a mole," I reminded him, quietly as we opened the front door under the cloak. We stepped out and closed it behind us, walking slowly and quietly down the walkway. I lowered my voice to a mere wisp of sound, "Magdalena told me that the person endangering James had no intention to hurt me. Who else do we know that would chose me over him? Aside from you."
"Don't be so sure."
I'd been joking, and he joked back.
Remus informed me, years later, that if he'd been offered the deal that I suspected he had been, he would've died before he took it. But, if the only way to save my life was to let James die, if someone had both of us and he had to chose one, he would have chosen me.
He never did explain why, but I figured it out shortly after that.
As Sirius and I approached the house, I felt this sense of dread deep in my soul.
I wish I hadn't ignored that.
Once the charm was complete, I told Sirius to go on ahead, apparate home. I told him that I would be home in the morning, I wanted to spend the night with Lily and James since it was finally safe enough to.
He didn't argue, and so he went.
Lily and I spent an hour cleaning their home and setting up Harry's nursery. It felt so nice to get to do this with her. I placed the tiny red and gold stuffed snake that I had gotten for Harry from the gift shop at St. Mungo's at my last appointment beside his pillow. I smiled weakly as I turned to Lily.
"What changed your mind?"
"James," Lily smiled softly as she hung Harry's mobile. She turned to me, "He reminded me that my initial reason was that I saw how much you hated your lifestyle. You hated being locked in your house all the time. He then reminded me that it was exactly that we were going through. I was locked in the house with Harry every single day, all day. He told me that the only difference was that we were much less safe."
"Well, now you are as safe as we are."
Lily smiled widely before she pulled me into her arms. That was another moment I relished in. I had missed her so much, and it had only been a month.
An hour later, Lily and Harry were sound asleep while James and I were sitting in the living room.
We'd been talking about the thing he was happiest about being back in his house. This is where all of his photos were, from before they went on the run. He said he was so happy to be able to put all of the photos together, from before and until now.
I was the one that forced him to take a picture with me, a photo that I had no idea would mean more than the world to me in less than two weeks.
"I have something to tell you, and I need you to promise not to be upset."
"Oh, Merlin, Jemina. What did you do?"
And so I told James that I was pregnant. I had meant to tell Lily too, but she had gone to sleep before I had plucked the courage. My brother's reaction was as expected; immense joy and excitement. He immediately asked how far along I was, and if I'd told Sirius yet.
"I haven't told him, but I plan to soon. I want him to come to my appointment the day before his birthday. You know how anxious I've been about being pregnant. With Aubrey, I was a wreck for a long time. I was even worse with the little boy, and now... I have even more things to be afraid of. Well, I have had more things to be afraid of. Her heart not developing among them."
"It's another girl?"
"Yeah! I think I want to name her Madelyn, but I have to get Sirius' approval first."
"How far along are you? You're barely even showing, and you hid it well."
"Well," I took a breath as I furrowed my eyebrows and smiled sheepishly. I moved to where my legs were tucked under my left side, and I was almost completely facing James. I took another breath, "My due date is in Feburary."
"Jemina, that's like... four months away? You're seriously telling me that you're five months pregnant, and haven't told Sirius yet?"
"I didn't want to get his hopes up, and then lose this one too."
"Not to mention the fact that you've been so active on missions? Why would you put her in danger like that?"
"Remus wouldn't even let a stray disarming charm hit me, so I knew that we'd both be fine."
"And the situation with Yaxley? And that Alecto? You were already hurt when you dueled her."
"I was fine, James, I promise. I wouldn't have gotten into those situations if I thought I could potentially lose her. You know I would never do anything to hurt my kids, that includes this one."
"You are so frustrating."
"I know, and I'm sorry."
James smiled as he rolled his eyes. He threw his arm around my shoulder and pulled me against him. I wrapped my arms around him and closed my eyes.
"I've missed you so much Pony."
"Pony?"
"Sorry, Esme's been calling you that for like eight months now. I kept correcting her, but... she's three."
"Son of a witch."
"Daughter, technically."
"I've missed you too, Minnow."
"I love you, more than the sun and the moon, you know that, right?"
"I love you too, Jem. Not more than my son, but more than the moon and it's sun."
James snickered, loudly as I rolled me eyes and squeezed him tightly.
That moment meant the world to me.
I ended up falling asleep on James, and I guess he had gently carried me to the guest room and made sure I was warm under a blanket. I had woke up like that, slightly startled because it was the first time in at least a year that I had slept away from home.
The smell of food drifted into the room, and as I adjusted to the difference between James and Lily's guest bedroom, and my own, I wondered who was cooking.
If it was James, he would end up burning his house down less than a day after moving in.
Motivated by the desire to ensure that James wasn't going to catch anything on fire, I quickly got out of bed. I pulled my hair out of it's pony tail and left the room. The carpet felt foreign to my bare feet, as I was very used to my cold hardwood floors. I had gotten used to wearing slippers, so not needing them was very strange.
I repeated an action that I was so unbelievably used to but at the same time, so very odd to me. I hadn't walked down the stairs for breakfast since I moved out of our parents' house. Even when I'd stay the night with James, they rarely cooked breakfast.
As I rounded the corner into the hallway looking into the kitchen, I saw both Lily and James standing in the kitchen.
I took a moment to appreciate how happy they looked. I glanced into the living room and smiled when I saw that James had left his camera on the couch. As quietly as I could, I moved to get the camera before Lily and James moved away from one another.
They did move, but only because they had heard the click of the camera. Their faces had quickly changed from happiness to concern, and then they laughed.
Lily had been cooking pancakes, one of the only solid foods she knew Harry liked, especially since he seemed to hate everything else. I found it funny, as James had been the same way when we were around 6. He refused to eat almost anything but bacon, eggs, and pizza. Mum tried so hard to get him to eat anything else, but he'd just stare at it in disgust until Dad made him bacon and eggs.
That meant we got pizza more often, but after less than six months, James got so sick of pizza that I don't think he's wanted to eat it since.
We sat together at their kitchen table, and I could barely curb the memories of Regulus sitting with us. I kept my focus on Harry, who seemed so utterly mystified by every little movement I made.
I think he vaguely recalled seeing me, once upon a time in his tiny head, but at the same time he had no clue who I was. He just seemed entranced everytime I smiled at him, and he grinned every time I cooed at him.
James thought he was sneaky, slowly moving to grab the camera from beside me. I had noticed, but I didn't care. I thought a sweet picture of me and Harry would be nice to have.
Lily ended up taking the camera from James and taking a ton more pictures, mostly because Harry was so stinking cute. Just the way that he looked at me, and then the camera when he heard it click. He looked so confused by his Mum pointing such a strange looking thing at him, and he looked at me as if I could explain it to him.
My nephew was absolutely adorable, and I kind of wanted to steal him.
It wasn't long before I realized I needed to head out, Sirius was likely waiting at the door for me.
Saying goodbye to Lily and James was such a simple task. It was just as I had done a dozen times over, I gave both of them tight hugs, told them I loved them, and that I'd see them soon.
"Next time you come, please bring Remus if you can. We do miss him."
"Of course, Lily. I'll send Peter a letter to send us the address, the way we told him of my house. Obviously I'll burn it, and he can come before he goes to Scotland for the full moon."
"Oh," James frowned, and I knew he felt bad that Remus had to do them on his own again. I knew he felt that way because I did. I always did, no matter how unhappy I was with him, I still worried about him all night every full moon. James furrowed his eyebrows, and quickly pulled me against his chest again. I wrapped my arms around his waist tightly, and held him for several long moments. I felt James smile against the side of my head, "I love you, Minnow, more than the sun and moon."
"I love you too, not as much as my daughters, but more than the sun and moon."
"Doesn't work as well, you know."
"I know."
He let go, and I gave Lily a tight, short, hug to say goodbye. I didn't want to leave. It had been so hard being away from them for so long, only seeing them for an hour at a time twice a month. I had missed them both so much, but I had missed James more than I thought possible.
I smiled weakly at them, "Promise me you'll be safe."
"Of course, Minnow. I promise."
James smiled as I pulled the invisibility cloak over my shoulders, snorting when my head was the only thing visible. I took a step backwards to the door, and smiled softly before I pulled the cloak over my head, "I'll see you later, I promise."
Lily nodded as James smiled widely, and I took the moment to just take in the way they stood together, holding hands and smiling.
As I opened the door and stepped out, I felt that familiar sense of dread.
I took another look as I closed the door behind me. I wish I had known that it would be the last time I saw them, I would've said a proper, final, goodbye.
Sirius was waiting for me. He was sitting on the couch, staring at the door with his chin in his hands. Esme was playing with some dolls on the ottoman, kneeling on the ground in front of him. Remus was sitting at the kitchen table with Aubrey, softly reading her a random article.
They both jumped when the door opened, but immediately relaxed when I pulled the cloak off of myself. Esme looked up and squealed as she immediately ran to me.
I pulled her into my arms, lifting her as I did so.
She was almost to big for me to pick up, and I dreaded the day that I would put her down and never pick her up again.
"How's Lily and James settling?"
"Good," I smiled to Remus. I was surprised to see that he wasn't upset in the slightest, but he did look quite somber. "They want to see you before you leave for Scotland."
"Oh?"
I hated the way his face lit up. It made me sick to my stomach.
"Yeah. We'll give you a little piece of paper, enchanted to burn once their house is revealed. You'll just need to whisper the address outloud."
"Oh, okay. I'm really glad. I do miss James, dearly, and I miss Lily's godawful cooking."
"She's actually gotten better, made pancakes this morning. Apparently that's all Harry will eat."
"Are you surprised?"
"Merlin, no. He is James' son."
Remus smiled widely, and I felt a stab of guilt.
I hadn't thought he was so good at acting. I hadn't known he wasn't.
The next week went by rather quickly, Peter sent a little piece of paper with their address, and I spelled it to burn when the house was shown to Remus. I used a similar, but modified, spell to the one that we had put on the Maurader's map. That way, if anyone that wasn't Remus tried to look at it, the ink would jumble into a large fish blob.
I figured that if Remus tried to give it to a Death Eater, that would be my way of telling him, I knew it.
Clearly, I didn't know it.
The night he left was October 28th. He'd stay that night with Lily and James, and then head to Scotland the next morning. Remus had asked if I wanted to go, but I wasn't feeling well. My anxiety had been off the charts for two days, and I was certain it was because I had a week before I'd tell Sirius that I was six months pregnant, and had neglected to inform him.
I said goodbye to him the same way I always did now. I gave him a warm hug, and smiled as I told him I'd see him later.
Part of me wish I hadn't seen him later, as he was the bearer of bad news when I saw him next.
The next four days were spent with me sick with anxiety. I was nauseous all through the day into the night, and repeat. I couldn't sleep, and I felt as though I was dying.
In hindsight, it was my body trying to warn me. I hadn't thought it was anything bad, as I was getting ready to tell Sirius about the baby. I attributed my anxiety induced crying while I sat in Esme's room tightly holding her to my fear that Sirius would be angry, and hormones.
I wish it was that simple.
The 30th was the peak of my anxiety, and the moment that I started to question what was actually causing it. I took the day to truly think over every decision I had made in the last month, part of me was sure that I was overthinking things due to the anxiety. The other part of me was sure that someone was going to die, and I needed to find out who it was before it was too late.
The morning of the 31st I didn't even cook breakfast. I was too busy being glued to the floor beside the toilet, so I asked Sirius to cook for the girls. Most of the day was spent with me dry heaving in the bathroom, with Esme standing in her doorway watching me with these big sad eyes. Aubrey joined her around lunch time, standing there next to her sister, watching me with concerned fear. When the nausea subsided enough that I could scoot away from the toilet, I motioned them to come hear.
Esme held Aubrey's hand as they wobbled over to keep her from falling over. It reminded me so much of when Aubrey took her first steps. She was nearly 7 months old, and Esme had been helping her stand on her feet, trying to dance with her. This day in particular, I had been playing music for them, so they were both dancing happily.
I had done the typical, "Come to Mummy!", and Aubrey tried to take a step, but fell. Esme promptly helped her up and said, "Like this, Rey!", before holding her hand and keeping her steady as Aubrey took a couple wobbly steps.
She walked on her own a week later, and I know that Esme had been practicing with her because she saw how happy those three wobbly steps made me.
Aubrey immediately crawled into my lap as Esme sat beside me, between me and the wall. She rested her head against the side of my chest as I wrapped my arm around her.
"I love you, both of you, more than you'll ever know."
"I love you, mummy."
Aubrey was speaking broken sentences, but hadn't quite gotten to saying it, so she just pointed at Esme before she pointed at herself, "Me too."
Sirius came from the kitchen, his eyebrows furrowed deeply as he continued to worry about my health. I had explained that I was incredibly nervous, but he still worried that I was sick.
"Lunch is ready."
I held Aubrey in my arms as I stood, wrapping my arm under her as I took Esme's hand. We all walked into the kitchen, and I set Aubrey in her highchair as I sat at the table. I pulled Esme onto my lap, so she could eat with Sirius and her sister.
She offered me food multiple times, but the idea of eating anything; even Sirius' grilled cheese (which was better than my fathers, though he would smite Sirius if he ever learned that), seemed like the worst idea possible. I wasn't sure if I hated puking more than dry heaving, but at least I didn't have to deal with my throat burning from stomach acid.
The realization, and the pieces, fell together when I had to dart to the toilet because the one tiny bite of grilled cheese I had taken because Aubrey looked ready to cry decided to come back.
I realized that the possibility of the person putting James in danger was the same person who was putting me in danger two years ago - when I lost Fleamont and Death Eaters came to the hospital. When I was in danger of being kidnapped at St. Mungo's, and Regulus warned me.
For some reason, I had forgotten about that to a degree. I guess I thought that the person who'd been telling Death Eaters That made little sense though, what did make sense was what Magdalena said. I had simply assumed her to mean that the person trying to hurt James wouldn't hurt me, but she said no longer mean me harm.
That meant that the person who was ratting on James and Lily, had been ratting on me too.
It also meant that they had been told to change targets, when Harry became more of a threat to Voldemort than I was, their goal was to learn information about James' whereabouts.
That blew my theory that Remus had made a deal out of the water. If he had been the one trying to get me or my daughter kidnapped, why would he make a deal for my safety? If he'd been the mole telling them where I was, why was he now so adamant to protect me?
And how did he find out about Lily and James' location when they were in Bulgaria? How would Remus have found out? Albus told only Sirius and I, and had looked everywhere for any eavesdroppers, and did a scan for listening charms.
It was almost dinner time, and I was extremely lightheaded.
Esme and Aubrey were sitting together, on the couch. Esme was showing Aubrey the animal cards that Dean and I had used for her, and even though she was getting some of them mixed up, it was cute to see them interacting like that.
She got to the mouse card, and told Aubrey, "Mouses can fit into small places, like under this couch! They're really fast and small, so you can't always see them! Uncle Peter is a mouse!"
And then it hit me, like a bullet.
The curtains.
There wasn't furniture in the headquarters aside from the table and chairs. But there were heavy drapery that Albus had used as curtains - the wind couldn't blow them, and they were as opaque as physically possible.
They were also floor length.
"Sirius!"
He darted out of our bedroom and into the living room, he came around the couch and kneeled beside me. Esme and Aubrey both looked at me, Aubrey was startled as Esme was worried.
"What's wrong, are you okay?"
"Go to Lily and James, get them and bring them here, now."
"What? Why?"
"I was wrong, Sirius. Remus wasn't the mole, Peter is. I can't believe I missed this."
"Jem, are you sure? How'd he find out about Bulgaria?"
"I think he was sneaking in and hiding behind the curtains. How would Remus have known about Bulgaria? Even if I am wrong, they are far safer here until we figure this out, I should've just made them live with us."
"Okay, I'll go, now. Are you sure you're okay here?"
"Yes, please hurry. Please bring my brother to me."
"I will, I promise."
The moment he walked out the door, I started crying. Esme crawled into my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. Aubrey crawled across the couch and laid her head on my leg. I laid a hand on her back as I held Esme to my chest.
Sirius had been gone for a minute, max, when I felt it.
Suddenly everything felt dimmer, less bright. The world seemed to slow to a stop, and my breathing seemed to stop. It felt like I hadn't taken a breath of air for months.
An hour went by, and both of the girls were asleep. I gently moved Aubrey's head off of my leg as I lifted Esme into my arms. As soon as I had her on one hip, I lifted Aubrey onto the other. I carried them to my room and laid on my bed, one of my daughters on either side of me.
I didn't sleep, I laid in my bed staring at the open bedroom door. I waited for Sirius to come back, with my brother, his wife and son. I waited patiently.
The sun rose, and I gently woke the girls. I carried Aubrey into the kitchen and put her in her highchair before going back for Esme. I lifted her and carried her to the couch. I promptly made them some toast and frozen waffles.
Neither complained, and the entire time she was eating, Esme kept her eyes trained on me.
My eyes were locked on the door.
Esme coaxed me into playing tea with her and Aubrey, likely to try to cheer me up. I was surprised by just how empty it felt. They were laughing, and I'd smile but I didn't feel it. I would giggle when Esme made a silly joke, but I didn't feel it. I felt nothing, I didn't even feel the need to coo at Aubrey when she yawned.
I put her down for a nap, and went to sit on the couch with Esme.
She ended up falling asleep next to me, her back flush with my leg. They both slept until almost one in the afternoon, about two hours. I heard Aubrey fussing, so I woke Esme before I went to get her.
Once they were both taken care of, I went to make lunch.
Sandwiches for me and Esme, apple sauce for Aubrey.
I wasn't hungry, at all, but I knew I needed to eat. It had been at least two days, and I didn't feel anxious anymore. All I felt was empty. I managed to eat two turkey sandwiches, and drink two cups of an herbal tea that Lily had gotten me.
Dinner came around, and I cooked the girls chicken nuggets. Esme ate her's with ketchup, while Aubrey sneered at the smell. She hated tomatoes more than I thought possible.
After dinner, I took the girls to the bathroom to give them baths. We'd been bathing them at the same time for six months now, since Aubrey started standing on her own. I rarely let magic do most of the work, but my mind was so distracted that I hadn't noticed the water was too hot until Esme touched it with her finger and gasped loudly, "Hot!"
I used a spell to cool it, and then helped them in. Esme was getting really good at washing her own hair, but I still used a spell to ensure that they were properly washed.
When they were ready to get out, I pulled Esme out first, using magic to wrap a towel around her as I pulled Aubrey out. I carried Aubrey, wrapped in a towel, as Esme walked into their room. I had yet to really decide what to do when the baby came, as I couldn't put three girls in that room. The only thing I could come up with was either moving them into the attic, and put enchantments on the stairs, or moving the two girls into Sirius and I's bedroom - which was much larger - and us moving into the attic, eventually moving this one in with Aubrey, and letting Esme have her own room again.
Of course, that was something I would discuss with Sirius.
Where is he?
I put the girls to bed in their room before I went into the living room and sat on the couch.
Somehow, I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I woke up from a nightmare, one where James had died with our parents, and I couldn't help but immediately start sobbing.
I hadn't realized the time until Esme quietly crept into the living room and moved to stand in front of me. She had brought the little stuffed rabbit that we had used magic to turn into a clock.
It was almost noon. I had no idea how long I had stayed up, but I clearly slept much longer than needed. I noticed the date on the clock, Novemeber 2nd.
Tomorrow was Sirius' birthday, and I had no idea where he was.
I quietly apologize to Esme, and quickly went into her room, cleaned both her and Aubrey up before going into the kitchen and setting them at the table.
That familiar feeling of anxiousness was back, but it was accompanied by pure sadness. Not the kind of sadness that makes someone cry for hours, but the kind that makes them sit in one spot staring at the wall for days, not aware of the time passing. I felt that way when my parents died, and I felt it again.
I had known, from the moment Sirius stepped out the door. I had known, deep down, that it was too late. I had been wrong about Remus, and therefore I got them killed.
Esme wanted grilled cheese, and I quietly warned her that it wouldn't be as good as her daddy's, but she smiled softly and said she didn't care. It still surprised me that Sirius made good grilled cheese. It surprised me that he could cook anything good. Grilled cheese, homemade pizza, cheese burgers, and mac n' cheese were the only things Sirius cooked better than me. I found it funny that it was all cheese centered things, but it was sometimes a relief to let him cook without worrying that he'd make something gross.
My dad still topped him on cheese burgers and pizza, but Sirius' grilled cheese was better that Dad's. My dad made a different kind of mac n' cheese than Sirius, and from what I remember, I liked it more.
I made two grilled cheeses, one for Esme, and one for me that I would share with Aubrey.
Once Esme finished hers, she stared at me with wide eyes. She seemed cautious, and I knew she was still hungry. I had really done a not great job by sleeping through breakfast, as they both were so used to eating three times a day. Not gonna lie, so was I.
I had given Aubrey half of my grilled cheese, and while she seemed content, I was not. Esme mirrored that same feeling and so I raised an eyebrow at her.
"Want another?"
She grinned as she nodded in excitement. So, I made two more. Esme ate almost the entire thing, leaving behind most of the crust but eating the center. Her dad had somehow mastered the art of keeping the crust soft, and he hadn't taught me.
The girls immediately wobbled to their room to play, and I continued to sit in my seat at the table. The smile I had worn when I got Aubrey out of her high chair had faded once they were out of sight.
My heart felt heavy.
I didn't realize how quickly time passed, not until Esme came to tell me Aubrey needed changed. So, I went and tended to her, before sitting in the rocking chair in their room, watching them play. At some point, Esme started watching me. I could tell she knew something was distracting me, and stressing me out, she always did. I would never get over how observant and empathetic she was, even at three years old.
She got Aubrey's attention, and whispered to her. Aubrey nodded, like they had a plan, and then wobbled to their little bookcase. She picked out a longer book and wobbled to me.
"Story?"
I smiled softly as I nodded. They both giggled as they smiled, stumbling over to Esme's bed and sitting down. Esme had her back against her headboard, with Aubrey curled up beside her, her head resting on her sister's shoulder.
Their relationship was the cutest, but I knew that it would be shortlived. Once they both got old enough, they'd begin arguing. Aubrey would get into Esme's stuff, and make her mad, and then this little one would follow one of their suits, either being mad with Esme, or making her mad with Aubrey.
I hoped it wasn't too bad, but I had no idea what this one's personality would be like. Right now, I knew that the likelihood of Esme being upset with her sisters over something small like messing up her room was slim. She was so kind, unbelievably friendly, and she shared everything with Aubrey. If her sister seemed even the tiniest interested in the toy that Esme was currently playing with, she'd hand it over to her that instant.
Aubrey seemed just as kind, but much less gracious. She shared with Esme if she asked, but she did it reluctantly, and only because Esme shared with her. She seemed a lot more like Sirius than I expected, though he and James would say she was like me.
I stumbled in my reading aloud when I thought of him.
As quickly as the thought crossed my mind, in that moment, I forced it away and continued.
They eventually fell asleep, after about an hour of reading, so I let them sleep. I'd wake them up in an hour. I watched the clock carefully.
The hour mark hit, and so I woke them up. I was gentle when I pulled Aubrey off of Esme, gently shaking Esme's shoulder as I softly said her name. Once she stirred, I'd repeat the same with Aubrey, who was always a little harder to wake.
I brought them into the living room, bringing the rabbit too. I let them play in the middle of the living room while I sat on the couch staring at the rabbit.
Seven in the afternoon came, and the girls seemed hungry and sleepy again. Esme had informed me that when she woke up, the clock had said 8, and she waited for me to come get her. When I didn't, she started quietly playing with her dolls. Aubrey woke up a bit later, at 9, and they played together.
Esme said she waited until the clock said 11 before asking Aubrey if she should wake mummy. She said Aubrey didn't answer her, so she waited until she got really hungry.
I knew they would stay up later, that's why their nap was on an hour, and so I waited until later to start dinner.
I made a frozen pizza, let it cool to just barely warm, and cut into small pieces and put it on the ottoman. That was they could eat as much as they wanted while I ate a sandwich.
An hour later, Esme said she wanted to "go sleepy", and Aubrey seemed to be on the same page.
They'd only eaten half the pizza, so I put the rest in tuberware for tomorrow. I got them ready for bed, read them the end of the second story they'd chosen earlier that day. Once they were both sound asleep, I decided to go take a shower.
I sat in there, on the floor of the tub, letting the water sprinkle on me. It was much hotter than usual, almost too hot. I pulled my knees to my chest and let myself cry.
Maybe they'd come home tomorrow. Maybe it wasn't safe to come here immediately, and there had been Death Eaters waiting for them outside of my home. Maybe they were still waiting in the woods across the street, and it wasn't safe. Maybe they'd come, maybe they were alright. Alive, and safe. Maybe they'd be here tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
I eventually washed my hair and body. I got out just as the water turned cold. I pulled on a clean pair of pajamas before I went to sit in the living room. I told myself I'd wait two more hours, and then I'd go to sleep in my room.
Half an hour later, there was a soft and familiar knock on my door.
My heart jumped out of my chest and I practically jumped off the couch to sprint to the door.
I tore it open, smiling widely as I anticipated seeing James.
"Remus?"