"You cannot go!"
I screwed shut my eyes at the desperation in Legolas' voice, pausing at the doorway. The upset I wished to hide was threatening to spill.
He spoke again, softer. "It is cold, and you are hurt too."
"I am not a child." I growled, hardening my heart and opening the door to go.
"Nesseldë, please listen to me."
There was a tone of anguish, of exhaustion, I had never heard. He almost begged. So surprised was I by his defeated voice, I turned on my heels and walked back to our room, pushing the canvas aside and standing in the doorway, my arms crossed. Despite my efforts to appear furious, a tear trickled down my cheek in his sight. The guilt on his face gave me a savage pleasure. Perhaps he would pay, in some small part, for the pain he had caused me.
I was convinced, in that moment, I had been sorely mistaken. Perhaps his lingering looks and gentle touches were part of the ordinary courtesy a lord must show to a lady. After all, I was new come to my heritage and title. How was I to know how to act? Instead of coming to a sensible conclusion, I had fallen for the first person to show even the slightest kindness.
"Come and sit with me, I beg."
Legolas held out a trembling hand. Better to get this over with, I thought sadly. I sighed and sunk down on his mattress, watching him hoist himself into a more secure sitting position beside me. He reached out to brush my tears away with his tunic.
"Forgive me", he whispered, "for it should have been my task to speak to you of this long ago."
I dropped my eyes when he took his hand away. He was going to tell me there was no hope of anything more than friendship. How could he not? "Just let me go, Legolas."
He shook his head slightly. "Let me apologise, at least. I should never have shouted at you. I know how anxious you can get, and no wonder."
"And what do you mean by that?" I spat.
Legolas held up a hand to silence me. "Only that few have lost more than you. I know you fear losing those you love, and I have only added to your pain."
I glanced over at him to see him bury his head in his hands, clutching at his hair. His speech was muffled when he continued. "My fears are not unlike yours. In fact, they are just the same. So many have died right in front of my eyes. Friends, kin, soldiers, even my own mother. For a brief moment I thought you would be another person I failed to protect." He looked fleetingly into my eyes; suddenly he was almost boyish in his desperation. "Nothing frightens me more than the thought of losing you."
"Why do you think I ran to you?" I hissed, wiping a shaking hand under my eyes. "You are the one constant in this world of dizzying change, the one friend who will not be sundered from me in the end, and now through my own foolishness I have driven you away too."
"You have done nothing of the sort." Legolas jerked his head up from his hands, his eyes bright. "It is I, not you, who is at fault. All these months, I have been paralysed by my ridiculous fears that what is in your heart may not be the same as what is in mine."
My gaze travelled carefully up to his eyes, studying them to detect any form of a lie, any indication that there was a 'but' just around the corner. He looked back steadily, but the only thing I could see behind those deep blue eyes was trepidation.
"I am sorry I made you cry. You have enough grief without my needless anger." There was a slight wobble in his melodious voice. "When I first awoke, the last thing I remembered was watching you fall. Then your hand was cold, and you look so pale." Legolas lent his head back on the wall and took in a shaky breath. "The thought of you hurt at my expense scared me, but that is no excuse for how I reacted."
I sighed, drawing my legs underneath me. "For my part, I think one day we may be the only two left from this camp. Perhaps I did act rashly, but I cannot bear the thought of losing someone else." I could not bring myself to look him in the eye. "Especially you."
He turned to me and bit his lip. "Everything is unclear. Did you comfort me while Aragorn stitched my leg, or was I dreaming?"
I nodded my head slightly. "I wouldn't have left you."
Legolas sighed. "Of course you wouldn't. It helped to have you at my side, more than you can know." Legolas gave another shaky sigh, reaching tentatively for my hand. I nestled my fingers into his unthinkingly. "I told you something, didn't I?"
I swallowed. My mouth was dry. "You said I knew already."
"And do you?"
I lowered my eyes to our hands. His fingers were playing distractedly with mine. "I think so."
"Ceno nin." I looked at him through my lashes and he almost smiled. "You are so beautiful, but what happens between us is your choice entirely. If you still want to leave this hut, I will not stop you. I would never force so much as a cup of ale on you." (S: look at me)
It seemed so long since I had been offered a choice in anything. I was here because of the choices of others; an ancient debt that I had to pay, and the men who had ripped my family away from me. The thought of Legolas meeting the same fate would always fill me with terror, but if anyone was worth that risk, it was him. Even so, I knew I needed to speak my mind, to check he had thought of what this might mean for both of us.
"Legolas you know I have a task before me which I cannot abandon. I have to fight until, one way or another, the coming battles are ended, and the fate of men is set."
Legolas drew himself up stiffly and spoke. "I cannot pretend that the thought of you putting yourself in danger does not fill me with fear, but in truth the decision was made months ago. Anything you need from me, you have."
I could hardly believe my ears, but it seemed that Legolas was not fooling me. "I worry too." I said softly. "I cannot bear the thought of losing you, the way I lost them."
Legolas sighed. "Who can say where his – or her – path will lead? But neither of us have to discover the destination alone. Not if we don't want to."
"Will you let me protect you in turn?" I raised an eyebrow and he grinned ashamedly.
"I am unused to being taken care of, but I promise to learn without complaint."
I breathed shakily for a moment. Love was nothing without risk, Aragorn had said. The moment had come, no matter what happened next. "I didn't want it to come out the way it did." I started, sniffing and pressing my hands into my eyes.
Legolas took my hands away from my face and squeezed them gently, then placed them in my lap. He released them and cupped my chin, tilting my aching head carefully so I looked up at him. Gently he put a hand on my cheek and placed his thumb on my lips, silencing me. "I should have started this conversation months ago. Let me say what I must, and you may judge me as you will."
"Then say it." I muttered. My heart was racing in anticipation, but I stayed looking steadily into his eyes.
He squeezed my hand reassuringly. "It's a risk, telling you all of this," he began steadily, "I, too, have been so afraid of losing my dearest friend."
His voice was barely a whisper, but I heard as clear as day. I had lost so much over that year. Was I finally to gain something instead, something I had not even consciously desired until so recently?
Legolas bent his head for a few moments, then looked back up and into my eyes. The mix of hope and fear on his fair face was intoxicating. I lent closer without conscious thought. Mustering his courage, he spoke.
"It started the moment we met. You were so unbearably frightened, and so frail. I have seen many horrors, and I could not bear the thought of first finding and then losing you. I tried to ignore my heart, to be your friend when you needed me most, but it got harder to hide. In the last few months, you have helped me understand, at last, that suppressing one's true feelings has no advantage."
He cupped my face gently in his hands. I was breathless with wonder as I looked into his eyes. "You are worth the risk. Gi melin, Nesseldë". (S: I love you.)
My mouth opened and I stared in awe at his anxious face. Legolas smiled, widely and with brimming eyes. "Do you truly not know that?" He asked. "You reckless bloody fool, I have loved you since the moment I met you. Of course-" he added nervously "-if you feel differently then I'll just-"
I could bear it no longer. I tilted my head to the side and closed the gap between us, pressing my lips against his. After a moment of surprise, Legolas' left hand strayed to tangle in the waves of my messy hair, his right thumb rubbing along my cheekbone. I reciprocated his tenderness, cupping his cheek with my right hand and enjoying the slight movement under my thumb. My left hand I rested on his shoulder, feeling his strength beneath the thin tunic he wore. He smiled into my mouth.
We were tentative at first, but as the seconds passed, I cuddled against his chest, pressing my lips more firmly against his as he bit my lip lightly. I slid my left hand under his shoulder to pull him even closer, and he deepened the kiss sweetly. The soft, delicate skin of his lips matched his gentle heart in a way so perfect I could hardly believe the evidence of my senses. I ran my thumb along his muscular back.
We were on the cusp of something great, and I could tell he sensed it too. Time uncounted passed, but we stayed, unaffected by the mortal world around us, utterly secure in the intimacy we could finally share with one another.
Eventually, we stopped, both laughing in disbelief. "You kissed me", Legolas said breathlessly.
"Really? I hadn't noticed." I snuggled deeply into his arms, reaching up to kiss his cheek. He wrapped himself around me comfortably, his powerful shoulders relaxing. "Legolas?"
His lips curled upwards when I spoke his name. "Mmm?"
"Gi melin." (S: I love you.)
Legolas looked down at me for a moment, nestled securely in his arms. His eyes were wet. I kneeled in front of him, pressing my lips briefly to his. "Of course I do. How could I not?"
"I can think of many reasons."
I wrapped my arms around his neck, and we were lost again in each other. When we found the motivation to stop, Legolas beamed. "I have longed for this."
"I think I have too, though I did not understand it. It ached, to be so close and yet so distant."
"A far more eloquent summary than I could achieve. " Legolas smiled lightly, taking my hand.
"I've never kissed anyone but you", I said quietly, "though with the life I led before we met, I doubt the fact will surprise you."
"You are a natural." He assured. "Would you think me a fool if I said you were my first too?"
"You're a prince" I said, astonished. "Surely ladies throw themselves at you at home."
Legolas threw his head back in laughter. "Hardly! Besides, they see the noble prince of Mirkwood, the heir to a kingdom many covet queenship over. You see your idiot friend, who cannot help making a fool of himself to save the ones he loves."
I smiled, shuffling closer to rest my head on his shoulder. "I would love you the same if you were a prince or a gardener."
"I know", he said softly, "and I love you for it. However, I think there is something we must discuss as a matter of urgency."
I frowned, and Legolas grinned sheepishly. "What in the name of Elbereth are we going to tell Aragorn?"
AM