I'm tired of it. Tired of just being used to just be his fuck doll. Only being called when he wants to be pleased. I'm so damn tired of it. Telling me that he loves me when it's all a lie. Love, he doesn't know a thing about it and never seen it.
If he thinks just fucking as he pleases is being in love he's just another clueless asshole in this society. I was a fool to think he'd actually change his ways at least for me. I get caught up in the moment and am persuaded into thinking that he's into me when it's all just a stunt. A damn fake ass stunt.
Does he like that he takes advantage and has me wrapped around his finger like a wedding ring? I hate it, knowing what he was doing yet I continued to believe I was actually his love. Bull fucking shit. I gotten the habit to always come to him on demand and happen to still have it. I wanted it to be over. Us just playing around and him to acknowledge my feelings.
Y/N: Renjun, can we just stop this?
I texted him and await for his response like I always do. I've been stuck on him for as long as I can remember. Just when I thought I could call him my bestfriend he fucks me over like this. Promised to even date me but we've gotten nowhere. The communication we had is far gone and out of sight. To him it's no point in trying to revive what we had or improve it. After all I'm just a little fling of his.
I just know he has his phone. He never leaves it. Why can't he just simply text me back and just tell me what he wants so I can know if I should leave him alone or not. Getting impatient by the second I rummage through anything he's given me and throw them away. Meaningless love letters, tiny teddy bears and our necklace that he doesn't even wear anymore.
I thought that would make me feel better but it only made it worse. If I didn't touch those letters I wouldn't be reading them right now crying alone. I just couldn't get rid of them. Call me a hoarder but that's exactly what the case is. I just can't get rid of every trace of communication or connection we had with each other.
Y/N: Just tell me the truth, what do you want from me? So I can leave you alone.
I double text doubting that he won't ignore me. I was slowly becoming a wreck. Months of living together, years of us knowing each other being thrown out the window because he wants to be selfish. I didn't want to just easily give up on us but the more I worried for him transitioned into hatred.
I heard the door click signaling that either he made it or him and his friends did. "You guys wait over there let me go talk to y/n really fast. You know how she is." He tells the unexpected guests. Wasn't no telling who was sitting on our couch right now. I was livid, I couldn't promise that I'd hold myself back this time.
"Y/N, hey." He goes to hug me but I pushed him away. "What's wrong? You missed me didn't you." He goes to caress my face. A common skin contact that'll break me. I didn't budge one bit. Knowing him, he thinks I'm just playing hard to get.
"Please don't touch me." I say through gritted teeth. I was already on the verge of tears. Looking weak in front of him should be the last thing I do. But how could I when I have no strength to fall back from him. Renjun kisses me on my jawline then onto my lips. Another way to break me.
"I said don't touch me. Can't you just listen for once!" I yell catching him off guard. "What the hell do you really want from me. Tell me or I will walk right out this door and your life." I snapped. The warms tears glided down my face showing obvious weakness in front of Renjun. "What? cats got your tongue? Am I just some fuck buddy or not? How hard is it to tell me the truth?" He hasn't said a word since I yelled. I wasn't going to let it slide this time.
"That's it." Without giving him time to come clean, my first move to do was to start packing my things. He places his hand on my shoulder to stop me from packing and I shove it off. "Y/N, stop." He breaths out. Stop for what? To keep falling into the same traps? I ignore his demand and continue to shove things into my suitcase.
"Y/N! I said stop. Can't you at least hear me out? Isn't that what you wanted?" he yells back causing me to flinch. He's never yelled at me and this time I pushed him too far. "If you want to know what I want from you, it's you. I can't live without you. I really can't y/n. I can't depend on anyone else. You think that I'm using you just to fuck but did you ever think about how it was on my side? I'm battling depression if you haven't noticed. I damn near lost it all. You're the only fucking person I can depend on y/n. I'm too scared to take this friendship further. What if we don't work out how we think we will? You'll leave and I'll just be on my fucking own. Please y/n, just stay with me. Just until I can get out of this depression. Can you do that for me, y/n?" He shouts with tears streaming down his now red face.
I couldn't help but to cry. I was indeed selfish myself and was only worried about my own feelings. Little did I know feelings works both ways. With a ball of regret inside of me the only thing I could do was to comfort him. Dropping all of the things I was packing, I hugged Renjun. He doesn't say another word and tightly wraps himself into my embrace. The sight of him crying only broke my heart. I take all the blame for it.
"I'm so sorry Renjun." I cry out. I could tell he was having a hard time to even accept my apology. I wasn't going to rush into it at all. "I'll stay for as long as you need me to Renjun." I reassure him.
He cried as much as he could finally getting a chance to break free. We both sat at the edge of our bed in silence. Nothing awkward but just a thinking about everything silence. We both felt guilty and couldn't find a word to say to one another. Crying only led to feeling sleepy, I wanted to sleep. With him preferably but I don't think he was going to be okay with it. He should be alone for tonight.
I stood up wiping any tears that may have fallen to pick up the mess I've made. I kept my blanket and grab a pillow heading to the door. "Could you sleep with me tonight? The couch isn't going to be comfortable for you." Renjun's soft cracked voice was all it took to stop me. "Oh, uhm yeah. I'll go wash up first then." I inform going to get the shower ready.
This was the moment I needed to myself. Letting the hot water fall onto my head was soothing enough to get all the guilt out of me. The heat calmed my nerves relaxing every tensed muscle I had. It only made me think of Renjun, the moments we had. I couldn't have figured that he was a bit off and I was quick to pick a fight.
After the shower I was somewhat relieved. Renjun was already curled up in bed. Didn't know if he was sleep or not, so I slithered into the bed lifting the blanket slowly and covered myself. He turns around and pulls me into his arms heaving a deep sigh. I felt at home like this. His face in the crook of my neck and his arms holding me making me feel secure. I couldn't run away from him even if I wanted to, I officially fell in love with you Huang Renjun. "I love you y/n."
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