☆☆☆ Chapter 42 ☆☆☆
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Teresa and I were sitting outside on a plastic loveseat by the grass, looking up at the stars above us. We breathed in the smell of freshly cut grass and damp earth once again, letting it take us over, letting it block out anything else that was on our minds. Didn't last forever, but that little piece of peace was worth the whole world to me. I'm sure Teresa felt the same.
A car or three passed by on the road, reminding us of reality with their purring engines. The sobs oozing out from the windows of the small, cozy old home reminded us of what we had just done moments before. No longer did we hear the radio gush over a home run or cry over a strike-out. Crickets chirped. Frogs croaked. The fan whirred. Mom and Dad sobbed.
We talked. We let them know of everything.
Nothing felt the same. Everything felt off, weird. Talking about what had happened when I was sixteen for the second time was not easier than the first, especially 'cuz it wasn't to Daniel this time. It was to my parents; the ones who raised me and Teresa, the ones who have loved us to the moon and back since the day we were born, the ones who rushed to the hospital and got a speeding ticket for it when they were suddenly called to pick us up from there. We were missing for a couple of days before that, locked up like animals in the home of a monster I foolishly thought to have loved. Yes, I told my parents. Told them of how it was solely by pure luck that I was able to escape with a half-conscious Teresa from the clutches of him and his friends.
I'll never forget their pained, scrunched-up faces as Teresa described just how terrifying it was to hear me scream for help as someone injected her neck and arms with things that left her paralyzed for hours on end, or of Dad's grimacing and squirming when I easily recalled how I got each and every bite, cut, scar. Or of when I gave them the answer they've always asked of me: that yes, I vented out on my wrists, but not all of them were self-inflicted. Many were from him. He loved slitting them before getting it on with me. That my face was scarred from his interest in burning wounds. Deep wounds. That yes, it was that one boyfriend I refused to introduce to them, the one whose face they only saw once and could hardly remember, except for one thing.
"Oh, oh. It's the one with that creepy smile isn't it?"
" <*&@!> . Yes, yes. Him. That was him."
"I knew he was trouble. I fuckin' knew it Imani, but you shrugged me off, claimed that it was just me being paranoid── Teresa, why? Why, what happened? Did you not trust us? Why didn't you tell us 'bout this bastard, why the hell did you keep this from us, why didn't you tell us before he── ! Ugh. Sorry, I... I don't want to point fingers. I... I mean no harm, it just hurts. I... I can't. It hurts. I... I can't believe this. My girls, my baby girls. How... how can I live with myself? Akos... Akosua, please tell me I'm not going mad, please tell me this isn't real. Please tell me our babies are fine. Please."
"They ain't fine, Bruno. Fo' years they been hurt. We know why now."
To think that I need to not just talk for the third time, but to also talk about my feelings on it with Dr. Connor, brings shivers down my spine. It spooks me. I've said his name more times within the past couple of hours than the entirety of my life as a shut-in. For every time I have said it, it has failed to get easier, as expected.
<)*&@!> . <%?(|_)(> . <!@(--!$!-?> . " <\$^+> ."
The name came out of my lips before I could recognize it, and once I did, it stabbed me right in the heart.
"That name is beautiful," Teresa muttered, pulling up her sweater's sleeves. "We just so happened to meet a man who doesn't deserve it."
"That's... that's one way to look at it," I said. "But it doesn't excuse you, Teresa. You said his name to Mom and Dad as if he were some god or somethin'. I don't know what they put in you back then, but you must've been trippin' and way up high in the clouds."
Teresa's lips curved just slightly. Her eyes were torn. "Ane, I didn't mean to make it sound that way. My voice cracked. I thought you noticed that."
I bit my lip and nodded, looking straight ahead at the house across from us. Their lights were on. From its widest window, I noticed the father proudly hug his daughter. It was a painful sight. Dad might never do that. Very likely, all he'll be thinking of now will involve my rape in some way or another. And Teresa's.
If only I had listened to Teresa sooner. If only I noticed the flags. If only...
If only I hadn't met him, we would've been fine, Teresa and I.
Teresa would've been a doctor already, or almost there. I would've been something, too── not just a useless dumb maid. Maybe a college student. Maybe a filing clerk in a hospital. Maybe a security guard in one, or an EMT. Who the hell knows. Back before he happened, my dream was clear and simple. For as long as I was working in a hospital beside my sister, I didn't care what I did. I thought helping people sounded like a cool thing to do, and my sister wanted to do just that, so why not follow behind? I had thought. Of course, I never wanted to admit that to Teresa, but she picked up on it over time. Or at the very least, I think so. Now, after <&*&@!\> , I can't say the same in more ways than one; I no longer feel ambition, and a part of me hates Teresa and shoves everyone away, for no real reason. Who knows what the hell I want now.
"Ane, if we had told them about Uncle Jesse and Molly there, what do you think would've happened?"
"Oh, Teresa. I don't know. I think they would've lost it. Rape and murder? That's Dad's baby brother we're talkin' 'bout. Y'know... you know how soft he was for Uncle Jesse. Dad's never been the same since he died. He doesn't play the piano anymore." And now he'll never be the same with this, too. What will he stop doing now? "We shouldn't say any more to him. It's better that way, for Mom and Dad."
"He should know that it wasn't an accident. And that Molly's gone forever. That she's... that she's never coming ba── "
"And what good will that do, huh?! Closure? It'll do shit. Hope's better. He'll find his own closure anyways, in some way or another. He doesn't need anyone to drop that unnecessary bomb on him!" By the time I finished the last few words, I realized I was standing, breathing hard, and jabbing my fingers into Teresa's shoulders. Her eyes were wide. She was clearly shaken. Calm down, Ane. Calm down. "I... I'm sorry," I quickly mumbled, sighing and forcing myself to sit back down. "I just don't want him to know that. I don't want him to go through that, 'cuz then he'll come face-to-face with Jade one day and I don't want him to do that. I don't want him to see a monster in the flesh." And he won't let me work at the one job that actually wanted me, 'cuz Daniel's related to that monster. He won't approve of Daniel himself, either, if they are to ever meet.
"He may already know of one," Teresa breathed out eventually. "He knows of you. Are you ever going to let him and Mom know you almost killed a whole person? That you're going through therapy?"
Shit. "Whatever, that was Jade. Jade's no person."
"I can argue otherwise, Ane. I've seen her progress after taking Deep Feelings. She's trying to change," Teresa said, straightening her back. "I visited her just yesterday. She told me that she has someone to help her; someone of good intentions, someone who's been through what she has."
Rolling my eyes, I instinctively crossed my arms and scoffed. "Oh please! As if that's possible. How the hell can you trust that bitch? You're dumb."
Is it Roger? Is it the human shadow? He's the only one I can think of. There's no way it's Joel and Hilery. They've got no good intentions. They wanted to kill me. Actually, why should it matter to me, whoever's helping her? Jade's a monster, period. I'm better than her.
"Ane there's something about you, something that you just simply fail to see. You have to accept who you are, and change it. It doesn't matter how long it'll take you, what matters is that you work for it; that you try, just like Jade. Killing or not killing aside, I see many things in common with you two── "
"What the hell! Don't compare me to that bitch, she's a fuckin' monster!"
"No, no. You listen to me now, Ane. If you come clean to Mom and Dad about what you did and what you're going through, I'm sure they can help out in more ways than one, just like Jade's mystery friend. You and Jade have plenty of things to work on. One of you is clearly working on that── and very hard, too, enough for me to give them a sturdy hand, and that someone is not you. One day, very much guaranteed, Jade will come here and confess. That's why I want to talk to our parents about Uncle Jesse and Molly, to prepare them for that, to come to terms with what they believed to be an accident and a runaway, respectively. Sure, it'll hurt them, but why live in lies? It's not true closure if the truth is out there, right within their reach, and we're keeping it from them. It's a twisted hope for them if someone knows the truth and won't talk. Not saying anything might as well be lying, too, and lies are disgusting. They can make you feel dirty. Don't you feel dirty, making yourself think you're the best, making others feel horrible?"
"What! I've been nothin' but nice to you today, you stupid whore. What's with this bullshit── "
"Think about it long and hard, sister. You have a whole head above your pretty shoulders. Put it to good use for once. You've been nothing but a blockhead if you haven't noticed just how shaken Daniel's gotten because of you, and you know, quite evidently, that I've been nothing but your scapegoat for ages. Both of those things come from your coping issues, and there's plenty more than that. I can write a whole book on how you make others feel like shit. You know how toxic you can get, but you go and hide behind that toxicity every time. I'm worried that even if you're trying to open up right now, you'll go back to it. So congrats, Ane, I'm surprised that you opened up, I really thought I would be the first, but does that mean you'll stick to it? I don't know, and that scares me, sis. I'm here trying to help you, to help you see that and many other things, so yeah, congratulations, you opened up to Daniel, to Mom, to Dad, and soon enough, to Dr. Connor. You think you have seen it all, thought of it all, but now what? Did you expect to feel better afterwards, just like that? Did you plan to stop after this?"
"No, no I didn't── "
"There's a process to these type of things. If you have thought of that, congratulations, I'm proud of you── I just hope that you go through the process properly, and come to understand yourself for the better. It's time for you to grow up and this is your chance, Imani Ane. Talking is a good start, but it's not the solution. If you're actually interested in opening up, you have to go all the way and keep at it. I love you Ane, you're my little sis. Deep inside, I know you feel the same. So please, use that part of you to take my words seriously── I only mean well when I say these things." Her hands squeezed my shoulders, and her eyes bore into mine. I couldn't help but gulp. The madness she spoke of made sense, and it made my stomach churn. It felt like she was spitting out the thoughts in the back of my head, but in a more thorough, calculated manner. My heart was racing and I couldn't stop it. I was beyond spooked. "Wake up, Ane. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and think about who you are and who you want to be."
Crickets continued chirping. Frogs continued croaking. The fan continued whirring. Mom and Dad continued their sobbing. The father and daughter from across the street talked merrily in their own little world. A passing car tore my staring with its flashing lights and purring engine. The smell of freshly cut grass and damp earth wasn't enough to keep me away from hell anymore. It actually nauseated me now. There's no such thing as a piece of peace right now. No peace at all. Teresa made that pretty clear. So did I.
The madness she spoke of made sense. My thoughts made sense.
"I... I'm sorry, Teresa, 'bout everything," I choked out, reaching out to her with my hands. But I have, I have looked at myself in the mirror, but it may not be enough for me. "I'll try harder, I will." Was I talking to myself now?
Tears burned my eyes yet again, for the umpteenth time today. My throat wanted to tear itself out of my body by now. I needed a break, but my feelings weren't letting me. Today has definitely been the worst in ages.
"I'm sure you will, Ane," Teresa said, letting go of me and overlooking my hands. "So, what do you say? Are you telling them now, or later? There's no 'never.'"
After a sniffle or two, I mumbled a "later," and dug my head into my shoulders. By then my hands were no longer reaching out for her and were instead hiding under my melons. It was a warm but stuffy place.
"Alright, Ane. It'll be later then, but that means you'll have to talk to Jade sooner or later, too, to know when she'll go confess to them. Might be tomorrow, three months from now, or years from now, but you will have to talk to her, sooner or later, and that's not all there is to it. There's much for you to do, and let me tell you this: actions speak louder than words."
"O... okay, Tess."
It's been so long, so, so very long since the last time I called her that. Years. The both of us were taken by surprise, but to me, in that moment, calling her that way felt so natural, so warm, so welcoming. It felt right. As if I missed calling her that. As if I needed her to be there with me right then and there. I know, that's silly. Weird, even. I'm not close to her, not anymore. She's not the big sister type either, definitely not. She's weak. I alone had to be the one to break us out of hell. She has drugged herself with her own shit. She has nothing to live for. But... but then again, neither do I, right?
We're both on common ground, in some way or another. We think the same, in some way or another.
"Hmph! That's right, you booger," Teresa huffed after some time, folding her arms. "You finally listened to me. Good."
Crickets chirped. Frogs croaked. Fan whirred. Mom and Dad sobbed. Father and daughter from across the street talked. Passing cars, purring engines. Teresa sniffled here and there. Freshly cut grass and damp earth somewhere up my nostrils. No peace. Not yet.
How nice, to be called a booger again.