I'm a big mess, and that's the last thing you need right now...
But this mess loves you endlessly.
~Unknown~
The first thing Adelaide did when returning to the castle was bathe Roland. He had fallen asleep on the trip back and was clinging so tightly to the front of her clothes that the fabric tore a little and wrinkled beneath his small hands.
It didn't take long for Adelaide to realized that Roland liked water. He'd splashed so enthusiastically in the bath that she was soaked just sitting next to him. She laughed at the happiness beginning to shine through his face and rubbed soap into his hair, more auburn than brown she realized, successfully washing away the dirt and blood that clung to him. What was left was a grinning, clean toddler who was already starting to look healthier than he had before.
Food was brought after the bath and Roland shoved it down so quickly Adelaide was afraid he'd choke or get sick. He squealed in delight at the taste of the porridge and downed a full vase of water, his face flushing with satisfaction.
The sight reminded Adelaide of her younger years when she would beg for help in the streets, scrounging for scraps here and there, anything to feed her herself. She stole clothes occasionally during the winter in order to stay warm, but during the summers lived by wearing dirty, old rags. Fighting illness alone was a given.
She shook the memory from her head and refocused her attention on Roland. He had finished eating, eyes blurry with sleep again. He moved towards Adelaide, climbing into her lap and snuggling against her chest. His stern grip returned as if terrified that he'd wake to find her gone.
Adelaide, coddling the child against her, headed down to the Hearing Hall, not wanting to separate herself from him.
The Hearing Hall was the summoning room, large and spacious with little to no furniture except for a few chairs. The fireplace that roared in the room kept the stone floor and walls well heated and comfortable. Adelaide arrived to find Jasper, Henry, Kayden and several other individuals occupying the space already, talking amongst themselves. Melissa turned her ancient eyes towards her as she entered and offered a small smile, her face beaming at the sight of the child. Emily, however, along with a few others, scowled at the addition.
"So this is the child," Jasper cooed, moving forward to see Roland. Such gentleness filtered into his eyes that Adelaide smiled. Jasper brought a hand over the boy's head, touching the soft hair and stroking. Roland smiled in his sleep.
Henry had already explained the circumstances that they'd found the child and had called a meeting to discuss what would happen to him. Adelaide had initially resisted the idea, arguing that she'd take care of him, but Henry had shaken his head. "You can't be two people and take care of him, Adelaide," he had said. Adelaide wanted to argue but knew he was right.
She hated when he was right.
"He's a cute child," Tracey commented, standing close to Theodore, a hand delicately placed on her stomach. She had found out she was pregnant only a short while ago, the bump finally beginning to show through the layers of her clothing.
"We don't have room for him," interjected Hugh Livingstone, one of Jasper's advisors. He was a rough man, someone Adelaide tried to avoid regularly. His pessimistic and distrustful nature made it hard to be around him without falling into depression. Hugh's son Walter silently agreed as he stood next to him looking grim and melancholy as well.
"It's one child," Adelaide retorted irritated, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. She readjusted Roland in her arms, the boy turning his face into the crook of her neck away from the others."How much room do you expect him to need?"
"He'll eventually grow," countered Walter quickly, stepping forward and surprising Adelaide. "Are we to be expected to train him in addition to feeding and clothing him? What about education? Who will teach him? It is a waste of time to foster an unknown child, Arthur. To delegate resources to an individual who will be useless in the coming years is ridiculous. He will be far too young and weak to fight on the battlefield when we retake England."
Adelaide bristled, glaring, but didn't respond as her eyes landed on Henry. He seemed to be contemplating something, his expression muted. His silence was cold and Adelaide found it difficult to understand his thoughts and feelings about the matter, something that was uncommon for her.
"Furthermore, who will be expected to care for him?" A woman named Fortune asked. She was stern in appearance, dying traces of beauty on her face. She wasn't much more pleasant than her daughter Emily but was at least more level-headed and wise. "He will further care than just sword fighting. Someone will need to b responsible for him. Nurture him as he grows."
"I will do that," Adelaide said with unfounded confidence. Fortune scoffed at the comment, rolling her eyes and folding her hands.
"A man can not be expected to care and raise a child properly," she stated firmly.
"I refute that statement Lady Fortune," interjected Theodore. His expression was agitated and his tone offended. He had moved closer to Tracey and had a possessive hand on her shoulder as if by squeezing her he was reaffirming her that Fortune's words were untrue and that he would be a great father to their child.
"I mean no offense, Sir Theodore," Fortune hastily corrected. "What I merely mean by my words is that the care that a man can offer is not equivalent to that of a woman. A child needs both a mother figure and a father figure. It, therefore, begs the question, Sir Arthur: are you expecting to shove this responsibility onto one of the women here? I do not know many who would be willing to raise a child that is not their own alongside a man that they are not married to. You are asking an awful lot, Sir Arthur."
As much as Adelaide hated Fortune and her words, wanted to disagree with the notion that she was unable to do this alone, she was aware that the older woman was right, at least in some regards. Roland needed a mother just as much as he needed a father. Proper parents who could share the responsibility. After all, the two-year-old had already been deprived of a childhood with two loving caretakers. And Adelaide, having grown without either parent, new the loneliness that came along with it.
In her confusion and uncertainty, Adelaide sought Henry's gaze. He didn't comment, clearly expecting her to figure out a solution on her own, as usual. He refused to make a decision for her. Adelaide looked to Jasper next, who offered nothing but a soft smile. Slightly annoyed that both of them were being so unhelpful in this matter, she turned desperately to Kayden. He seemed surprised by her attention, his eyes widening a little and his mouth parting in uncertainty, unsure what she expected from him.
"If my sister is willing to help me care for the child," the words were tepid as they left Adelaide's mouth and she could already see the holes forming in her plan. Her gaze broke from Kayden as she solidified her shaky resolve and turned to address the entire room with a half-baked solution. "Would that smooth over all of your concerns regarding the matters?"
The room was quiet as they contemplated Adelaide's words.
As they thought through her suggestion, Adelaide silently said goodbye to her resolve to tell them all the truth, which she really hadn't wanted to do anyway. If she was to raise Roland under the pretense that he was being cared for by both Adelaide and Arthur than she would have to continue lying to them. She ignored the pestering anxiety that began to set in and the worry that was making her nauseous. How was she supposed to keep up this act forever, pretending to be two people at once? If she was discovered, what would happen to her or Roland? Furthermore, how would the small boy be effected by this lifestyle she was going to be forcing onto him? Would she be enough?
"I fail to see how that solves any of the problems, Sir Arthur," interjected Walter. He crossed his arms and straightened his spine. "That child is still going to be an extra mouth to feed. He'll be a distraction, as well."
Tracey bristled at his comment and placed a protective hand over her stomach. Walker continued.
"Also, from what I know, you and your sister do not get along with one another. So even if by some miracle the Lady Adelaide does agree to help you raise this child, are the both of you going to raise him separately? Or are you merely going to fight in front of him?"
"I would like to add something, as well." Adelaide almost groaned as Emily stepped forward to give her opinion. She crafted a fake expression of worry on her face as she addressed the room and only briefly glanced at Roland. "Lady Adelaide, who is a dear friend of mine," Charity snorted at the words, was smacked by her mother, while Emily continued perturbed by the interruption. "Though she may be a wonderful woman, I do not think she is the type fit to raise a child. She was married to a man for nearly seven years and never gave him a child during that entire time of their marriage. Does that not say something about her and her child-rearing capabilities?"
"I fail to see the relevance in your statement, Lady Emily," Tracey countered, clearly becoming agitated on Adelaide's behalf. "Not having had children in her marriage does not mean that Lady Adelaide would be a bad parent nor that she does not want them. I have the utmost confidence that Lady Adelaide would be a wonderful mother, and despite her and Sir Arthur's differences, I would be more than willing to provide this child with a loving guardian."
The room continued discussing the matter and as the conversation endured, Adelaide's concerns grew even more as the group of individuals began raising many topics and questions that she had not even considered. It was at that moment that Adelaide realized that she had always been far too hasty of a person, choosing to make huge decisions in a matter of seconds rather than days.
The room went still as Hugh raised his hand. Every eye fell on the older man with all his majesty and wisdom and waited for his opinion.
"I do not have an issue with the boy," he stated, looking at Adelaide so intensely she shivered. "However, I do have an issue with him staying here, within the castle. Sir Arthur, you've been a great companion of Lord Henry's over the years and for that I am grateful. It is for that reason that I did not say anything when your sister first came to stay with us. However, once again you bring us another mouth to feed, another body to clothe, and another person to protect. And yet, what is it you offer in return? You are not a soldier who is fighting and training for our cause. You are merely a painter. Furthermore, your sister is not a seamstress, nor a cook, nor does she clean. We feed and shelter her for nothing in exchange, and not once has she expressed her gratitude to us for our mercy and grace.
"And now, you bring a child into our mists who will be no one's companion as he grows, who will be unable to fight in the coming war in exchange for our care, and who will not be expected to benefit the Lancaster people or the Tudor Household in any way in the coming years." Adelaide's throat went dry and her stomach dropped, but Hugh Livingstone continued. "Therefore, I am afraid that I am going to have to protest strongly to that boy living here. Especially if you and your sister are going to continue leaching off Lord Jasper and Lord Henry."
"Furthermore," Walter chimed in. "Your sister's stay here was never intended to be a permanent one, and yet she seems to have no intention of leaving anytime soon."
Adelaide was silent, unsure of how to respond to either of them. She merely blinked stupefied before her attention fell on Henry. He has remained silent for the duration of the meeting, not having displayed a shred of emotion once throughout the entire conversation. But he stepped forward, sighed heavily, and the room turned to him expectantly.
"I've listened enough," Henry announced, avoiding everyone's eye contact as he scanned the room. "I appreciate all of your input and do value your opinions, but ultimately the final decision lies with my uncle and I. So, everyone you are dismissed. We will reconvene tomorrow where I am to make the final decision on what to do with the child and what to do with Arthur and his sister."
The room was stiff as everyone exchanged uncertain looks. Quietly the council began to file out of the room, with only a few glancing back at Adelaide.
Under the attention, Adelaide began to shift uncomfortably. Roland had fallen asleep and was snoozing peacefully against her, but his weight suddenly felt too great of a burden, and her chest was tight as she looked at his peaceful face.
By the time the doors shut behind the crowd, the only ones who remained were Adelaide and Roland, followed by Henry, Jasper, and Kayden. The three men were watching Adelaide carefully as she worked through her next words. Her glare was harsh as she turned on Henry whose mouth was pressed into a thin line.
"Thanks for the help," she snapped at him, her anger at his disinterest surging forward. "You could have offered some semblance of support, you know. You found the child with me if I recall."
"But you were the one who chose to keep him," Henry countered, his voice remaining calm and level. Irritated, Adelaide merely blinked at him as she fought to regain her temper.
"I don't remember you voicing any protest," Adelaide said through gritted teeth. Henry's lips twitched downward and his eyebrows knitted together.
"The decision was yours. You didn't exactly consult me on it," he snapped back. "How am I supposed to support you when you declare things like this in front of dozens of watchful eyes? You surprised me about as much as you surprised yourself."
He had a point.
"I didn't know what else to do," continued Adelaide. "If I didn't take the boy, who would? I didn't exactly see anyone stepping forward and volunteering."
Henry sighed, rubbing his eyes.
"What was I supposed to done then, Henry?" Frustration edged its way into Adelaide tone. "Did you want me to reveal my secret to the entire Council? Here and now? That's what you've been wanting, right? For me to confess and be honest and stop lying?"
"Yeah, but to the people you're close with! The people you call friends! Not the advisors and court officials and clergy," Henry said with equal agitation. "Of course they're not going to be okay with the truth. I highly doubt the Church will look favorably upon you for your little charade."
Adelaide blanched. She hadn't even thought about the Church and their reaction. And thinking back onto her conversations with Henry it seemed clear now that he'd never been encouraging her to go prancing around telling everyone in earshot her identity, only the people that she felt genuinely bothered deceiving. She felt embarrassed by her naivety and her face flushed.
"And had you consulted me before hand," Henry resumed, his voice calmer now. "I could have preemptively told you what the Council's opinion on your plan would be, and that no one was going to be thrilled about the idea. Not taking on an unknown child, regardless of how sweet the sentiment, or of you raising him alone."
"Well, why didn't you say anything about people being upset about my sister staying here?" Adelaide asked in a deep, uncharacteristically dark voice. She didn't want him to be right, didn't want her impulsivity to be the only thing to blame, so she tried changing the topic as she shifted uncomfortably. Her expression twisted as she looked at Henry and she momentarily forgot that they had an audience.
"Because I thought eventually you would notice," he answered slowly, his voice clearly disappointed. "You and I promised one another that we would be more attentive to those around us, remember? That I would stop seeing everyone as pawns and figureheads to win over, and you would start making more connections with those around you while paying attention to more than just me. Had you been following through on your end you would have know how people felt about the situation."
Henry paused to catch his breath. His face had gone red and for the first time since they'd become lovers, Henry looked angry with Adelaide.
The silence that followed his speech was echoing, and for a moment Adelaide could say nothing. She found she couldn't refute him, couldn't argue or say anything in her defense.
As Adelaide stood continuing to say nothing, Henry sighed and turned to leave. He paused, though, and briefly glanced back at her.
"I love you, Adelaide, I do. More than you can possibly imagine," he said softly, his eyes sad as he looked at her. Jasper and Kayden both turned away uncomfortably at the exchange. "But just as it's not my place to make decisions for you, it is not my place to come up with solutions to the problems you create. You have till tomorrow to figure everything out."
Henry didn't say another word or turn back again as he left the Hearing Hall through a side door. With an echoing sigh, Jasper followed, unable to offer Adelaide any words of comfort. As the door shut behind them, the room felt dark and small, and Adelaide jumped as Kayden stepped forward. Wordlessly, he took the sleeping Roland from Adelaide's arms but remained standing next to her as she silently looked at the floor.
"He's right," Adelaide whispered, her eyes beginning to blur. "I've been unrealistic about this entire matter. I should have realized that people weren't just going to be okay with me not contributing and just taking and taking at every turn. You know, I even thought that confessing would miraculously fix everything, but of course the elders and the Church aren't just going to overlook what I've done. My friends may understand and forgive me, but I doubt they will."
Kayden was unsure of how to respond. He wanted so desperately to reach a handout and comfort Adelaide, but his desire was stemmed both by the child he held in his arms and the echoing "I love you" announced by Henry.
"What were you hoping to happen, Adelaide?" Kayden whispered. Startled, Adelaide looked up at him, the tears drying immediately in her eyes.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean," Kayden took a deep breath. "What was your desired outcome to all of this? What were you hoping would happen? Were you really determined to continue going back and forth between being a girl and a boy for the rest of your life?"
"I don't know," Adelaide admitted honestly. "I guess I just thought I would figure out the answer to those questions later. That I would realize what I wanted down the road. But I just didn't think I would enjoy being both Arthur and Adelaide so much."
Kayden was silent for a moment.
"Pick being Adelaide."
The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. Adelaide's eyes went wide and she took a step back so she could better see Kayden. His eyes were wavering but his mouth was set and his back straight as he looked at her. He hesitated only a second before proceeding.
"Being a girl is what you are, Adelaide." Kayden's demeanor was unsteady but his voice was strong as he spoke. "If you were truly satisfied with remaining as Arthur forever, content with pretending to be a boy for the rest of your life, you wouldn't have made up a whole story just so you could be a girl for a short while."
"It's more complicated than that, Kayden," snapped Adelaide, shaking her head and closing her eyes to an oncoming headache.
"How?" He retorted, the volume of his voice increasing slightly.
"I can't put it into words," she stuttered, her brow furrowing.
"Try," Kayden urged. Adelaide opened her mouth to speak, but her words failed her. She racked her brain hastily for a reasonable response, some semblance of an answer, but couldn't see to come up with anything.
"There are things that I would be giving up if I chose to be solely a girl," she attempted weakly. Kayden immediately rolled his eyes.
"Like what exactly?" He scoffed. Adelaide hesitated to respond which only urged on Kadyen's irritation. He wasn't sure what the source of his rapid aggression was, but it left an acidic taste in his mouth. "Just admit it, Adelaide, you don't have a future as a boy. Maybe a long time ago you did, when your goal was still to be an artist and make your living painting and drawing, but now," he shook his head. "Now I don't see that your objective is the same. I haven't seen you pick up a paintbrush in ages or even sketch anything. Just admit it, Adelaide, you want to remain a boy just so you can remain by Henry's side."
Kayden hadn't intended to say the words that left his mouth, but his vision was splotchy and his face warm. Adelaide had blanched at his comment, but stumbled to respond, failing to refute his statement, which only fanned Kayden's anger.
"That's not true," Adelaide uttered, her voice barely above a whispered.
"I don't believe you," Kayden whispered back, his eyes lifeless as he looked down at her. "You know that being a girl means you'll be able to spend less time with Henry because you at least understand that men and women don't have measily things like 'friendship.' People will assume he's courting you, which is something that the Council will surely disagree with, and you'll be sent away under the pretense that you're a distraction."
"You don't know what you're talking about, Kayden," argued Adelaide. Her voice had raised in volume too, and it was a miracle that Roland hadn't sturred awake as the two adults shouted at one another.
"I do, though, Adelaide," barked Kayden. "Do you honestly believe that you'll be able to play Henry's best friend Arthur throughout the duration of the war, be able to stay by his side as you want, and then when everything's over and done with, you'll be able to simply switch back to being Adelaide, and you and Henry will live happily ever after?"
Adelaide's face fell at Kayden's outburst and her mouth hung open wordlessly.
"You will never be able to marry him, Adelaide," Kayden continued, his tone harsher than what he wanted it to be. Every attempt to control his emotions, though, was lost to him as he looked at her. He felt his heartbreak as the onslaught of realization dawned in her blue eyes. But, despite himself, Kayden continued. "You should know that Council plans to make Henry King of England someday, and when that day comes, he's going to marry someone of a fitting stature that is going to benefit his position and his people. And that person is not going to be you, Adelaide, no matter how much he loves you.
"Don't give your youth to a man that can't choose you," Kayden's choked as a tear rolled down Adelaide's face. His voice cracked as he stepped closer to her. "Don't continue to pretend to be someone you're not just so you can remain by the side of someone that will, one day, abandon you."
Adelaide and Kayden were both silent as they looked at one another. Tears gently and soundlessly fell down Adelaide's cheeks and Kayden felt a part of himself break knowing that he was the cause.
Slowly, with strained breathing and shaky hands, Kayden reached for Adelaide, Roland cradled in one arm. He touched her cheek and wiped away a stray tear, before brushing a strand of hair from her face. He cupped the side of her face gently, his palm the same size as her cheek.
"Pick being Adelaide," he whispered again. "Pick having a future."
Adelaide stared at Kayden for a long time. Roland's snoring was the only interruption as she considered his words. When she stepped away her tears had dried and his eyes had dimmed to a hard, lifeless blue.
"I have to go," was all she said as she took back Roland and strolled from the room.
Kayden remained in the Hearing Hall for some time after her departure simply staring at his palm. He left only after all the candles had gone out.