"Why are you asleep in the middle of the day?" I heard Marina's voice and the door close.
I lifted the covers to look at her. "It's one of those days when in here is better than out there."
"That bad? You and Neymar talked? I assumed it didn't go well when I saw him."
"You saw him?" I asked curiously, sitting up.
"Yeah. He was without you and since you're always together I figured... Plus he didn't look very happy." She said as she opened her closet.
"No?" I urged her on.
"No. We were at the pool and he just floated in the corner alone. Only talked to Thiago and David, but barely." She said taking some of her clothes and laying them down on her bed.
"I did that." I said taking a deep breath. "It's my fault."
"What happened?" She asked finally sitting down on my bed.
"I screwed up again. I just... I don't know if I can be in a relationship with him. I want to. But... it could never work."
"Are you sure?" She asked me. "I mean... I never thought that Bernard and I were serious but we've been talking about the future... About what we'll do after the World Cup."
"He's playing in Ukraine, isn't he?" I asked her.
"Yeah."
"Isn't that... kind of far?"
"Yeah but... Maybe we will go see each other, once a month or..."
"You can't just fly to Ukraine. I mean you don't have the money."
"I know there are lots of problems. But we will work them out. You can too, if you want to. There's Skype and texting and..."
I chuckled. "I'm sorry, I'm bringing you down. You have all these exciting plans and instead of being supportive I tell you they will never work."
"It's alright. I mean... I'm not delusional. I know it will be hard." She said. "Hey have you packed yet?"
"No, but I don't take long. I just grab everything and throw it in the suitcase. I have an inability to fold."
Marina laughed. "Better get started. The dinner is in an hour."
"We can't skip that, can we?"
"Nope."
With a sigh I got up and went to the bathroom. I threw some cold water on my face and started packing.
"It's a good thing you travel light." Marina commented.
"Yeah. You know we never went shopping while we've been in Rio." I told her.
"I went to the mall with Bernard once. That's why my suitcase won't close now."
We heard a knock on the door.
"Come in." I said.
The door opened and Bernard appeared. "You know I had trouble finding your room?" He said as he got in and hugged Marina. "Hey Liv."
"Hi Bernard." I said.
"How is the packing going? I'm all set."
"We are getting there." Marina said but she still had a huge pile of clothes on her bed.
"I see." Bernard mocked her as he pushed everything to the right side of the bed so he could sit. "Need any help?" he asked and picked up a shirt.
"You are unfolding everything!" Marina exclaimed and grabbed the shirt from him.
Bernard wrapped his hands around her and pulled her towards him so that she sat on his lap.
"You guys are so cute. I'm leaving." I declared. Cuteness overload.
"No, no don't go!" Marina said.
"I have to get my laundry." I said.
"Okay fine, you can go." She said. As I closed the door I saw them kissing. They were happy.
I could be happy. Why was I so scared to go after what I wanted?
When I went back to my room Marina and Bernard were gone and Marina's suitcase was as unpacked as before if not worse.
I finished packing my things and sent a text to Michael to see if he had arrived. I checked my bruise in the mirror, it had started to fade to a purplish yellow and only hurt when I pressed it. I wore a black woven dress with embroidery details on the front and let my hair down and then headed out the door.
"Hey Thiago!" I said as I saw Thiago walking towards the restaurant. He was wearing black pants, a white shirt and a black tie, the same look all the guys had to wear for the dinner.
"Hi Liv. Pretty dress."
"Thanks." I said, smiling at him. "How are you feeling?"
"Why do you always ask me that? I'm not nervous." He laughed.
"I am! And I'm not even playing! I'm nervous for you!"
"Don't be. We have this in the bag."
"Yeah I know." I said as I opened the door to the restaurant. The tables had all been set up in a big rectangle but no one was sitting yet. People were conversing in groups and socializing. There were a few people there I didn't recognize.
And there he was in the corner with David and a few other players. David was telling what must have been a really funny story; he was moving his hands, making different facial expressions while everyone laughed. Everyone but Neymar. I doubted he was even listening.
"Let's go to the guys." Thiago said.
"You go."
Thiago turned towards me as Neymar raised his head and looked at us. "Are you okay?" Thiago asked me.
"Yes, fine." I said my eyes locked on Neymar's. "Yeah let's go." I told Thiago, finally averting my eyes from Neymar's gaze.
"Hey guys." David said when he saw us, but he looked worried. The last thing I wanted was to ruin this dinner.
"Hey." I said as we approached. I saw Marina out of the corner of my eye entering the restaurant by herself. She and Bernard wanted to keep a low profile around the coaches. She was wearing a pretty strapless black and white dress and had put her auburn hair up in a bun. She looked beautiful. When she saw me she winked at me, as if to say 'stay strong' before she headed towards Bernard.
I turned back to the conversation the guys were having and I noticed Neymar looking at Marina and Bernard before turning to look back at me. I realized he had followed my gaze. This could be us. It felt like he was telling me. This could have been us. Without saying anything else he left the group and walked towards the coaches. And I just stood there, looking at the blank space he left behind him.
"Liv? Liv?"
"Yeah?"
"Marcelo was talking to you." Thiago pointed out.
"Sorry Marcy I blanked."
Everyone started laughing. "Did you just call him Marcy?"
"Isn't that a girl's name?" Fred asked.
"Don't ever call me that again!"
"But it's so cute!" David exclaimed grabbing Marcelo by the cheeks. "You're so cute!"
"Let me go!" Marcelo cried.
"Everyone stop being silly and pose for a photo." Coach Tandres said as he approached us with a photographer. "It's for the CBF newsletter."
"Say cheese." The photographer said before the flash went off.
After the few 'spontaneous photos' they dragged us all around to take pictures in various sets. I took pictures with the other physics students and Mr. Jones, with the coaches and the players and all the combinations of those subsets. And then I ended up next to Neymar and coach Coto, for a photo to commemorate our practice sessions together.
"Liv in the middle." Coach Coto said as they both embraced me. Neymar's hand on the small of my back felt like it was burning my skin through my dress.
"Smile." The photographer said and I tried as best as I could. The moment the picture was taken Neymar's hand was gone and so was he. I did that. It's my fault.
"Let's get to the table everyone." I heard Scolari say. I was frozen for a moment, my eyes searching for Neymar but I felt a hand on my back and I saw David and he urged me to walk. I was so thankful for him at that moment. We sat on one corner, David on one side of me, Thiago on the other. The coaches were all sitting together in the middle of the table.
I searched for Neymar but didn't see him anywhere.
"Is everything alright?" David asked when he noticed me.
"Where's Neymar?" I asked him quietly.
He pulled his chair back and revealed Neymar who was sitting on the other side of him. He had his back turned to us and was talking to someone I couldn't see.
"Oh." I said.
Scolari knocked on his glass with his knife and everyone stopped talking. He started giving another speech in Portuguese but this time there was no one to translate for me, softly in my ear. Neymar suddenly glanced at me and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing. And then everyone started laughing at something Scolari said. I smiled awkwardly but thankfully no one was looking at me.
"And finally, to our new friends," Scolari started saying in English. "Thank you for you precious help and your hard work." He said raising his glass. He was looking at me and gave me a nod before drinking from his glass. "To victory!" He said.
"TO VICTORY!" Everyone echoed and drank. I noticed that the only people with wine on their glasses were the coaches and me and Peter even if there were wine bottles on the tables. The players weren't allowed to drink. I brought the glass in my mouth and tasted the wine. It was dark red and really good.
The rest of the dinner went by smoothly. Occasionally someone from the coaches would stand up to make another speech - coach Coto personally thanked me in his- and Thiago, as the team captain also made a speech.
People started leaving a little before midnight. Everyone was tired and we would have to wake up pretty early to leave in the morning. But there was a very positive vibe going around, everyone was excited we would finally start. And I was excited too. This would be the first World Cup I would not see on TV and I was looking forward to it.
"Time to go to bed." David said standing up. That left me face to face with Neymar for the first time since we sat down.
"Hey." I said before he had a chance to leave. He was avoiding me for the whole dinner, talking with everyone else, laughing and having a seemingly good time although I wasn't entirely convinced. But if I talked to him and he didn't answer he wouldn't just be avoiding me, he would be ignoring me.
"Hi Olivia." He said. Him using my full name felt like a punch in the heart.
"We..." I started saying but he cut me.
"We're alright. We are fine." He said standing up.
"Neymar..."
"We're fine."
"We are not fine. I have something I need to tell you."
"What is it?" He asked and took me by surprise. I couldn't tell him here. Not like this.
"I... I can't tell you."
He chuckled. "Are you kidding me?" He asked.
"No, I mean not here." I said.
"Let's not waste any more of either of our time." He said and got up.