T E N
Saturday morning began with an unexpected guest barging into Maura's small guest room around nine AM, causing both Niall and I to awake with a start.
There, smiling happily in the doorway, was Niall's sweet grandmother, holding a tray full of Irish breakfast delicatessies, chattering jubiantly about how lovely it was to meet me and so on. She was a kind, humurous woman who had made more than one joke about Niall and I christening the bed before Maura rushed her out of the room, red-faced and eyes-wide.
Niall and I stared at each other for a long moment before awkwardly indulging in the huge breakfast, complete with tea, toast, poached eggs, beans, grilled potatoes, and sausage. After devouring the entire feast, Niall told me to get ready so he could show me around Mullingar. I wasted no time in hopping out of bed and showering before changing into a pair of black skinnies, a caramel sweater, and my favorite Burberry rain-boots.
I barely had time to acquaint myself with Granny, Niall's grandmother, due to Niall's determination to get out of the house and onto the road. At first, I didn't understand his eagerness to get out onto the rainy highways, and I still didn't, until we were racing by the rolling green landscape and then pulling over at a random stop off the highway, the rain still coming down in thick slats against the windows.
***
We lay down in Niall's grandfather's old roadster, some old album playing in it's upgraded audio system. It's quiet for a while, and the sounds of spilling rain and peaceful, melancholy melodies of "his favorite playlist". I recognize the song we danced together Thursday night on it, and I decide I must somehow get a copy of it from him.
After staring at the tops of trees for a while, Niall turns to me, his eyes wide. "I'm sorry if this is weird. I used to come here all the time as a teen."
"No," I murmur softly, blinking up at the cloudy skies. "I like it here."
"Really?" He murmurs, turning away once again and spreading his arms out under his head, his elbow brushing my ear.
"Really. I feel like I'm in a movie or something." I admit shamefully, tracing the paths of raindrops against the window with my index finger. This was very rom-com-y and not really Niall-y, but I'm surprisingly comfortable here, beside Niall, with his knee bumping into my thigh and his sad music filling up the spaces between us.
"You want to really feel like you're in a movie?" He asks me after a moment, his voice giddy with excitement.
"Yes," I whisper hoarsely, cheeks flushing.
"You can't be scared of the rain now, you understand?" He asks as he pushes his door open into the onslaught of rain. It takes him a second to walk around the side of the roadster and pull open my door, his hand gripping mine as he rushes me a long again.
Niall looks like a normal twenty-five year old as he pulls me towards an unmarked trail in the woods, his black skinnies sagging at the waist and pooling around his knees, his loose tee-shirt now wet and clinging to his well-toned stomach.
We race down the lush path, muddy squishes accompanying our footsteps, the rain absolutely soaking us. I've never felt so wet in my life as we run towards an unknown greatness, Niall's laughter and my squeals echoing throughout the woods. Finally, after running for a while (despite my protests), we come to a break in the woods, the top of a tall hill that overlooks a few hundred of other acres of rolling hills, all dotted with pink speckles.
"This," Niall pants, "is my favorite spot on Earth." I look across the everlasting land, feeling like a king of a vast empire. This is what it must feel like to be Niall everyday. So high above everyone else, limitless. Nothing matters up here. I just lean my head back and smile, the cold rain making me cold to the core. I do feel like I'm in the middle of a movie, the part where the main character finds true happiness in some stupid sentimental way, the calm before the storm.
Niall must be able to tell, because suddenly he takes my hand and pulls me in to his arms, and we step into that stupid awkward dance we do so well. There's no music, and we just laugh at how stupid and cheesy we are. Oddly enough, I feel complete and happy. I feel like everything's passing by slowly, like somehow Niall and I have been able to turn time to nothingness, and minutes, hours, seconds, days turn into the same thing: nothing.
We dance for a while before collapsing onto wet, muddy ground, our knees pulled to our chests as we sputter off nonsense. "I'm obsessed with Breakfast at Tiffany's," I tell him against the rain, wiping my shivering lips against the back of my hand. "There's just something about old seaside European towns circa late '50s that makes me feel at home."
"I like playing board games beside fires and drinking tea until late. I like sitting out on big porches and watching the night change. Stargazing is the most romantic thing in the world, and rain is great for love making." He speaks with such a quiet calmness that I feel like every word is sweeping me away into a sea of distant improbabilities.
"Have you ever made love?" I ask to the beat of the rainfall, my eyes set on a distant point in the horizon. For once, I don't blush. At the lack of response, I turn my eyes to his face in search of answer.
"Elouise, not that it is any of your business, but I've slept with many girls."
"Can we just agree on something?" I ask, ignoring his blase answer with a question of my own. His eyes wordlessly express for me to continue. "Let's not put up any walls when we're here. Let's just be two people who are honest with each other." He stares at me for a while, raindrops collecting on his brow.
"No, I've never made love to anyone." His answer sounds as hollow and empty as the wind that blows through the trees behind us.
"Not even....?" I trail off, indicating his lady-of-the-night lover. It's deeply personal, but he holds a kind of fascination for me that just sparks these questions on the tip of my tongue to ask themselves.
"I've never loved a girl, Elouise. Remember the first day we met each other?" He asks hesitantly. I nod, and he continues. "Remember how we talked about the Great Gatsby?" I nod again. "I meant it when I said I thought he was weak. I never want to be weak. I'm never going to be weak. Never. So I'm never going to love anyone, not like that, for as long as I live."
For some reason, his words deeply unsettle me, ensnare the pit of my stomach in a tight knot, cause my eyes to blur. Something in the defeat in his voice breaks me, and I feel like a helpless commoner watching a valiant king falling from his throne. I use the rain to hide my tears until a gentle, throbbing sob escapes my lungs and Niall's face whips towards mine.
"Elouise? Why are you crying?" He doesn't even sound angry, which only makes it worse.
"That's the saddest thing I've ever heard," I choke, wiping my cheeks. Niall sighs heavily, then scoots closer to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and rocking back and forth slowly.
"Not all of us can be strong like you, El. We can't all say goodbye when it's not working out anymore."
"Well, it's not like it was easy!" I counter, sniffling. "Walking away from him ripped me to pieces, it still does." I lay my head against Niall's chest, wondering what it was like to never have faced heartbreak. I wonder what it's like to decide to deny yourself something fundamental, so fulfilling. It's quiet for a long time, and I distantly wonder what time it is outside of our little hilltop kingdom. Something changes in Niall and he pulls me into his lap, a look of determination on his face.
"Have you ever been kissed in the rain, Elouise Watson?" He asks, pushing a tangled strand of wet hair behind my ear. I shake my head no, my head cradled in the crook of his elbow. "Would you like to be?"
Would I?
Kissing in the rain is an act of passion and love, not a sad attempt to save a business. Kissing in the rain is reserved for your dark knight, for the man you love so much it hurts, for your Chuck and Blair moment. For the relationship you want so desperately to hold onto, but have to let it go. Kissing in the rain is the kind of act Holly Golightly fought so desperately to avoid, because kissing in the rain means it's all over.
Would I?
I lift my head out of Niall's elbow and lift my thumb to graze his dripping wet cheek. "Ok," I whisper after a while, unsure of why I'm agreeing to this. I'm unsure of why I agreed to the whole thing in the first place. Everything has changed so much in the last week, even I've changed. The old Elouise would've cowered in her rain boots, not let Niall hold her and ask her to kiss him in the rain.
His wet lips meet mine, and I feel something course through my body, a small beat of completeness like the drumbeat before the chorus of a good song. His hands travel through my hair, knotting his fingers into the roots of my hair and holding me there. It's cold, and wet, and the wool of my sweater clings to me uncomfortably, but I don't really mind. He is everything. His hands travel up and down my sides, multiplying my goosebumps by a tenfold. I wrap my legs around his waist and hold tight to his drenched shirt, my tongue swiping across his lower lip. He parts his lips slowly, and our tongues dance much more expertly than our feet ever could. I vaguely feel his hand holding my hips in place, all I can really concentrate on is the feeling of his lips pressed to mine and our chests heaving against each other. I felt like some cool and collected girl who could smoke cigarettes and lie to boys without beating an eye, kind of like Effy from Skins or Blair Waldorf. Kissing Niall finally gave me the kind of confidence I'd gone so long without.
His lips reach that spot under my ear again, exerting those same, ellicit noises from my mouth as they had last night. I blush uncontrollably, but don't stop him this time.
"We should... we should go to the car," I whisper in his ear between soft pants. My teeth chatter a little, and Niall nods, standing with me still wrapped around him. "Niall!" I gasp, clinging to his slick torso. "Put me down!"
"No way in hell, I quite like having you here," he says with a devilish grin, waggling his eyebrows at me. He carries me the entire way to the car, despite my angry protests. So I try to distract him and make him drop me by kissing his neck and collarbones, growling angrily when he chuckles knowingly.
At the car he finally sets me down, only to press me against the door and kiss me again, his teeth raking against the gentle skin of my neck. I will never admit this aloud, but I didn't mind our arrangement so much in that moment, how can I when he has such lethal lips?
I finally organize my thoughts enough to push him away, whining a little about how cold and wet I am. So he pushes me into the car, disappearing for a moment to grab a thick gingham blanket from the back of the car. He wraps it around my shoulders, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips before starting the car again.
In the side mirror, I can see my puffy lips and bruised neck, the excitement in my eyes. Niall's music starts again, intermixing with his soft voice that sings along. I stare out the window for a long time, trying to wrap my mind around what the hell just happened. Niall and I had made out without any reason, we'd been honest with each other, we'd even been nice.
His fingers tap to the beat of the music against the steering wheel as we whiz down gravelly roads, the silence between us comfortable and natural. We stop after thirty minutes for gas. I make Niall brave the rain again and he playfully flicks me off, causing me to lock the doors and refuse to let him in the car.
"Come on Elouise, I'm cold!" He pleads, rapping his hand against the window. After a few minutes of making him complain, I unlock the door, laughing at his angry face. "I swear, Elouise Watson, you are going to be the death of me."
"Well, of course. I am marrying you after all." I tease lightly. The words feel different now though and I can't joke around with that phrase as well as before.
"I can't believe you're going to be my wife." He mutters as we pull out of the tiny station, my feet propped against the dashboard.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I scoff, smacking his wet sleeve.
"You know what it means, Elouise." He snaps. I recoil then, tucking my hand into my lap and staring out the window, feeling more hurt than I should. After a few seconds he tugs on my hand and pulls it into his lap, holding it tightly. I don't speak. "I'm sorry. It's just hard to do this sometimes."
"I know," I murmur, still feeling angry. "I'm sorry I'm such a pain."
"What?" Niall asks, looking at me for a half a second before returning his eyes to the road. "No. You're not the problem. The problem is my own head." He replies, tapping his forehead. "I don't like being close to people, Elouise. I hardly ever open up to them, and then here you are, extracting all my secrets in a week's time."
"Oh please, I still hardly know anything about you. And don't make me feel special when this whole thing is a lie," I mutter, trying to yank my hand from his. How dare he try to make me feel special, to try and make me become attached, when he'd admitted he was purely business.
"I'm not trying to make you feel anything. I'm just being honest," he declares with a shrug.
"I don't know how to feel about that." I whisper. "You screw with my head sometimes. I sometimes find myself forgetting this is fake..." I wipe my nose against my sleeve. "What are we doing?"
"We're doing what we agreed on."
"What we agreed on was acting like a couple for the paparazzi. Not acting like a couple to fulfill our loneliness."
"Is that what you think is going on?" He asks sharply, his blue eyes piercing mine.
"That's what it feels like."
"Well it's not."
"Then what the hell was today?" I ask, slapping my knee. "Why are you holding my hand?" I ask, glaring at him and our connected hands.
He sighs and rubs his neck. "I don't know Elouise. I've felt so many things since this whole thing started. I feel bad for dragging you through this... but you're not like most of the people I know. I've noticed things about you I hadn't before. You're a very fascinating girl, Elouise and I enjoy your company."
"You certainly know how to sweet-talk a girl," I mutter sarcastically, shaking my head in annoyance.
"Elouise, just listen." He pleads desperately. "I'm not a good guy. I've never made love to anyone, nor do I plan on it. But this little, thing that we have going on, it lets me... imagine the guy I would be if I wasn't so selfish."
"So that's it then, you're just using me to fulfill this little fantasy of yours and cover up the scandal?"
"I'm supposed to be doing something else?" He asks, voice full of confusion. I blink uncertainly. He has a point, actually, he's right, and I'm the one being irrational and selfish.
"No. You're right. I don't know. My head's all tangled up." My head certainly is tangled up, tangled between memories of Niall's hands wrapped around my waist and his hot lips pressed to my cold skin.
***
I spend as long as possible in the bath, stirring bubbles with my toes and contemplating my life choices as I stare at the white ceiling. After thinking I was in control, me and Niall's conversation in the car proved that I've been a pawn all along, like every other situation between Niall and I. Halfway through my internal monologue, my phone rings. I answer it without checking the ID, happy to have a distraction from my thoughts.
"Elouise," a slow voice mumbles and my heart leaps for joy.
"Zayn," I cry out, smiling widely. "Zayn, everything's rotten and I miss you."
"I miss you too. I'm sorry for being mean."
"It's ok. I'd be mean too if you dated Niall." I shake my head. "You know what I mean."
"Why? What's going on? Are you ok?" His concern makes me feel a little better. At least I have ol' Zaynie.
"I'm fine, really." I tell him, sinking into the bathtub a little lower.
"You sound really... weird."
"Maybe it's because I'm halfway around the world?" I tease lightly, trying to grin.
"No, you just sound like you've given up on something."
"Capri pants," I mutter. "I mean, seriously, how are simple, petite girls supposed to pull them off?"
"Oh, Elouise. That's fine, you can tell me when you get home on Monday." He exhales quietly. "I've got a surprise for you, actually."
"Oh, that's never good," I laugh, closing my eyes. I wish I was home, making a pan of fried rice and arguing with Zayn over what movie we're going to watch. I wish I was home and alone, living vicariously through Jim and Pam on the Office.
"You might kill me, but I think I'm doing the right thing."
"Please tell me you didn't get a dog. We've killed all our fish. We can't risk it."
He laughs, which makes me feel slightly better. "No, Elouise. You'll see when you get home. I'm counting down until then."
"Yeah, me too," I grumble, glancing at the bathroom door.
"Just come home if he's being a dick."
"S'not that simple Zayn... something changed today."
"You finally realized he's a dick, I hope."
"It's more than that." I urge, biting my lip. "I can't explain it, but I understand him. I can that he's not who makes himself out to be... he's got layers."
"Like a nasty onion. Elouise, you'll keep digging but you'll never get to the core. I know those types of guys. I don't want you to be so attached."
"Zayn, I just... I felt something today when I was with him that I haven't felt in a long time. I can't ignore that."
"You don't have to. But you can find it again, with someone who's not a dick."
"Shut up," I grumble. "You just... you don't get it. You don't need people the way he and I do." The truth of my statement rings out through my veins as I realize it. Perhaps Niall and I are so fascinated and scared of each other because we're so similar.
"He needs you? Is that what you think, El? Because I can gurauntee you, he's never going to admit it, even if it's not true."
"I know," I whisper, interrupting his angry rant. "That's what makes it so hard to walk away."
***
i have no idea if that made any sense... i just kinda wanted elouise and niall to confront their growing feelings for each other.
this chapter was SO SOSO INSPIRED by Strawberry Hill by Bronze Radio Return. this song is sooo wonderful please look it up and i will try to post the video up soon.
so yeah, i may edit the crap out of this but for now, i'm gonna leave this drama loaded chappie up deal wid it.
T U M B L R :
elouisewatsonca.tumblr.com
also, how do y'all feel about elouise + niall? too fast? too slow? just right?
let me know in your comments!
please vote/comment/add/read lol. it really helps me. and i appreciate all my mains for doing so.
i love you like xo
-madi