We had been dating for about six months now and I tell you what, I was floating on a cloud. I don’t know what it was but we just clicked. It was effortless, something I only dreamed about or read in novels that romantic saps wrote. Unfortunately it was getting to me…I was becoming one of the damned romantic saps. Kellin was marvelous, patient, loving and attentive. I was doing my best to be the same but he was simply beyond my reach. How could I compete?
But then again was I supposed to be competing?
They had started a band and by they I mean Gabe, Jesse, Justin, Jack and Kellin. Kellin was singing and I couldn’t believe that his talent for music was as uncanny as the rest of his abilities. He hit notes I knew most girls couldn’t dream of hitting and he did it in a tasteful, masculine way that made my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.
Hell they were even starting to write a song even though they were mostly doing covers right now.
“What’s it called?” I asked at practice one day and they all just shrugged.
“Dunno yet,” Kellin had replied, “But I know who it’s for.” I blushed. Could he possibly mean me?
I had started a new semester in college, working on my bachelor’s degree in Animal Science so that I could work my way to applying to veterinary school. Kellin said I was smart enough, and he never knew why I was so worried about things. He was studying music at the college I was going to and the two of us made quite the couple at school…it was interesting to be the girl that other girls were jealous of.
“What are you thinking about?” came a familiar voice into my thoughts. I glanced up from the amp I was sitting on to find those oceanic orbs staring down at me. The beanie he wore ruffled his hair slightly, gave him that sex appeal that he didn’t need any more of. The gray tank top was loose on him, the black skinnies attractively laced around his meek frame. I bit my lip.
“You,” I said and wrinkled my nose at him. He kissed the tip of it.
“What about me?” he whispered. I laughed gently and hid my face. Honestly I wanted to admire him just inside of my head…he didn’t have to know what I was thinking.
“Nothing you need to know,” I replied mischievously. He chuckled and kissed my cheek before nibbling on my ear.
“Nothing I won’t eventually find out about,” he uttered and stepped away, heading back to begin playing again. I watched him longingly, contemplating the boundaries of our relationship that I had set and wondering if I was ready to break them.
He had asked my father if he could date me, played the part…showed me off to his friends and they had teased that they would finally get to watch the Kellin on Hannah porno we had apparently promised (though I never recalled that). Everything was perfect and honestly it frightened me to a point that I wasn’t sure what to do next. I knew I was teasing him…we got to a point of intimacy with one another and I cut him off.
But how much longer could I do that?
“Hey baby, you wanna go for burgers with the guys tonight?” he called. I looked up expectantly and smiled.
“Sure,” I replied.
“Oh my God dudes, they’re actually going to grace us with their presence and not go make nookie at Hannah’s apartment!” Justin announced, running off towards his car before Kellin could punch him. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
“Yeah it has been a while since you guys hung out with us,” Jesse added, “Well the two of you together anyway.” I shrugged.
“Not intentional of course,” I offered, standing and situating myself next to the red head. He smiled and shook his head.
“Na I didn’t think that,” he replied. Jesse was always the more level headed of the bunch when he was sober… but if you gave that man alcohol and a guitar for Guitar Hero, watch out. Kellin absentmindedly waltzed over and wrapped an arm around my waist, bringing me in for a kiss.
Gabe let out an eww and Kellin gracefully flipped him off.
“Get over it guys,” he said, “She’s my lady and I can kiss her if I want.”
I liked the way that sounded. I liked being his even if the way he spoke made me seem like more of an object than a person. I didn’t care. The fact that he had picked me was enough and honestly he could say just about anything when it came to me. I wouldn’t mind as long as he was talking about me.
“Come on lovebirds, let’s get going! Those burgers aren’t going to eat themselves!” Jack called but I raised a brow and decided on a smartass remark.
“Yeah but the bacteria will if you leave them waiting long enough! It’s called ‘rotting’!” I replied mockingly and laughing at my own joke. Jack glared at me and stuck his tongue out at me.
“No one invited the smartass on board,” he said as we approached the white van.
“Well then why the fuck is Justin on board?” I replied. Jack rolled his eyes and let us in. It was the first time that I wasn’t driving them somewhere and it was really odd to be in the backseat…but I was glad for it in a way. I could join in on the fun rather than have to pay attention to the road.
Today that was Jesse’s job.
“Okay okay okay so this is Hannah’s first time in the back seat, we need to initiate her!” Justin cried, fist pumping the air. I raised a brow and looked to Kellin, giving him a shy smile and the sticking my tongue out at the boys.
“Hey hey hey, wait a minute, who drove your gay asses around town all the damn time hmm?” I replied but Justin just wagged his finger at me.
“You drove, you haven’t been in the back seat!” he stated. I rolled my eyes and sighed.
“Fine what do I have to do?” I questioned, giving them the ‘I dare you to try me’ look.
Jack, Gabe, and Justin set about to figuring out something for me to do with their hands placed in a cliché fashion on their jaws. They seemed to be having trouble coming up with something and all I could do was laugh at their insipidity. They were the troublemakers and I knew whatever they came up with was not going to be for my benefit, but for their entertainment. Kellin gave me an affectionate squeeze.
“Don’t worry, won’t let them do something too drastic,” he whispered in my ear.
“Show us your boobs!” Justin suggested and both Kellin and I gave him a look that made him rethink his suggestion. He sighed and turned back to the other two boys who were both giving him the same expression. I laughed softly and waited.
“Alright then how about you let us put a mustache on your face with marker and you have to wear it til it comes off,” Gabe said and Kellin gave him a look. I on the other hand didn’t really mind this form of torture.
“Fine, I don’t care,” I said, “Bring it on, but make it a sexy mustache dammit, not a gay one.” The troublemakers cackled with laughter.
“You’re serious?” Jack asked and I shrugged, “You’re gonna let us put a mustache on you with marker? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
“Why?” I questioned, “It isn’t that big a deal, it washes off eventually.”
“Fuck yeah dude! I knew you were cool before but this is just beyond cool!” Justin exclaimed, sending off another round of fist pumps into the air. I rolled my eyes and laughed.
“You sure babe?” Kellin murmured into my ear, “Though I will admit you’ll be the sexiest one here with a ‘stache.” I smiled and turned to kiss him briefly.
“I’m not bothered by this one at all,” I replied, “Come on fuckers, we don’t have all day. Where is the marker?”
The three of them stumbled around the back, checking their pockets and under the seats for the elusive black Sharpie that we had had in here a few weeks ago. They seemed adamant about finding it and I don’t know why they were so excited to color on my face. Maybe it was because they were never able to get away with pranking me before and now I was volunteering.
“Got it!” Gabe shouted in victory as he discovered the little black thing under the passenger seat, “And since I found it, I get to be the artist!”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Remember I want a sexy ‘stache okay?” I said, “No Hitler style dammit, give me Italian or a handlebar one or something.” He grinned impishly and popped the cap off of the marker.
“Don’t worry Hannah, you can trust me,” he smiled and set to work.
It was a funny feeling to have your face drawn on, especially by a boy. Gabe was nimble at drawing though and I was thankful for that. I could feel his expert lines, the way he colored and nearly grinned at the idea that I would have a fucking mustache by the time he was done…well that and I was so near to doubling over in laughter as I realized I would be wearing this into the burger joint.
When he was done, I stuck my tongue out at him and the boys all started to laugh, including Jesse and Kellin. I couldn’t help myself and quickly stood to check out the image in a mirror. Jesse moved the center mirror so I could see what I looked like.
Oh dear sweet God.
The mustache was definitely Italian and I couldn’t help thinking that I looked quite a bit like Mario from Super Smash Bros. The handlebar ‘stache looped and curved above my lip and I could only smile. This was ridiculous but it was better than anything else the could’ve come up with.
“Dudes we’re here!” Jesse called to the back and I looked to him for a moment for I was still standing. He grinned. “Nice ‘stache.” I winked and clucked at him.
“Ya know it,” I replied, stepping back to meet Kellin’s eyes. He was grinning from ear to ear and I matched his smile, taking his hand before stepping out of the van. The other three boys were already causing chaos as they ran into the burger place with fists in the air and loud whoops echoing from their lips. I was still giggly from my new mustache as well as the fact that Kellin kept looking at me and smiling broadly.
Me, Jesse and Kellin entered the building and were greeted by raucous laughter from a table in the corner where the boys had already set up camp. I felt bad for the waitress that would be serving us today because I knew they were going to hit on her no matter what she looked like and they were also going to give her a hard time. It always happened that way when we went out to eat. Hell they even did this to a dude one time. I felt so bad for the guy that I’d left a ten dollar tip.
“Heyyyyyyyyyyyy it’s our lady ‘stache!” Justin called, “Come sit with us your stachesty!” I rolled my eyes and curtseyed royally before scooting into one side of the booth. Kellin quickly followed suit and Jesse after him.
We all ordered, drank some sodas, laughed and caused a riot in the burger place. I knew they wanted to kick us out, but it didn’t matter. We were having too much fun to be contained. I was actually surprised we didn’t start a food fight in that place, but the food was too good to waste. The others made fun of me while I ate, pointing jokes at my mustache and cackling all the while. I just rolled my eyes.
“Hey guys let’s get a picture of this momentous occasion!” Justin suggested, pulling out his Iphone.
“The momentous occasion being the birth of the amazing artistic creation on my face right?” I questioned and earned a tongue from Justin. He rolled his eyes and shook his head.
“No Miss Mustache,” he replied exasperatedly, “We’re celebrating our new name and our ne-”
“Justin! Dude I haven’t told her yet!” Kellin interrupted, “I told you to fucking wait for me to tell you when I told her!” Justin rolled his eyes again and shook his head at Kellin.
“Well what the fuck are you waiting for man, she’s waiting for you to explain!” he retorted. Kellin chuckled and shook his head in obvious disapproval.
“Kellin?” I asked, turning towards him and meeting those baby blues. He smiled softly and seemed slightly embarrassed but I knew it had to be good news…right? He bit his lip.
“We got signed,” he whispered, the sound so incandescent that I thought he was going to explode. My eyes widened and I gasped.
“Oh my God! You didn’t even tell me what your band name is and now you’re signed?!” I cried, though filled with absolute joy.
He chuckled quietly and replied, “Well we made a demo and about three days ago they got back to us with an answer…we’re officially a part of Rise Records now babe.” My mouth dropped open and I hugged him, making loud noises of approval and shouts of laughter as I did.
“Holy fucking shit you guys! This is awesome!” I cried, unable to contain my felicity. Justin sighed while I gave the guys all high fives.
“It‘s fucking sick right!?” Justin roared, “Now let’s take a fucking picture already for our first official Sleeping with Sirens album!” I glanced at Kellin.
“Sleeping with Sirens?” I whispered and he nodded, “I love it.” He grinned and held me close before performing a peace sign with his other hand and kissing my forehead.
“And I love you,” he murmured. We all made funky faces and Justin got a waitress to snap the photo. From then on, it was my favorite photo because we were all happy…all smiling, all goofy, all incandescent….
***
Jesse dropped us off later that evening after we all had some fun playing video games in Jack’s parent’s basement. They had ordered pizzas and forced Justin to go get some beer for the little kickback. Kellin had gotten tired of their loud behavior and seemed to get a little grumpy. He told me he just wanted to go home and spend some time with me, alone. We were still in that phase where time together and alone was more precious than anything else in the world so I had agreed.
But there were other thoughts going through my head.
I wanted to make this night more special than it already was and being alone with him only strengthened that urge of needed intimacy. He was patient with me, more tolerant than I think I deserved but I knew that at some point I was going to give him the few remaining parts of my soul that he had not touched. I knew he was it…he was everything to me and I was ready. But I didn’t have the skills he had, nor the experience which made me nervous…
I unlocked my door and lead the way into my apartment, turning around so that I could shut the door and lock it. Kellin went and sat on the couch, flipping on the television but I remained at the door, trying to strengthen my resolve. I knew he was waiting for me to join him, staring at the back of my head intently as he smiled but I couldn’t move. I wanted him…so badly that I could taste it. On the other hand I was afraid of what would happen if I gave in to him…
Slowly I turned away from the door to look at him. His hair was slightly disheveled, the beanie from earlier still in place. His movements were languid, his stance on the couch attractive and leisurely. I wanted to sit with him…but there were other things on my mind.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I said mechanically, hoping to draw his attention to the fact that I was feeling a little odd.
“Alright, I’ll wait out here for you,” he replied sweetly…but I didn’t want that. I didn’t want him to wait out here…I wanted him in there with me.
I bit my lip and sauntered towards the bathroom, swinging my hips and noting the way he watched. His eyes traveled up and down my form, resting on my hips, then moving back up to my lips. I caught his gaze and chewed on my lip, trying to entice him, trying to draw him in. I kept his eyes in mine for a few moments before breaking the intense stare and walking into the bathroom.
I didn’t shut the door.
My hands reached for the faucet, turning the dials so that warm water began to spill forth from it. I waited for the right temperature and then pulled the plug that allowed for the shower to be utilized. The water shot from it after a second and I turned my head slightly to see if he was watching.
Indeed he was.
I knew I looked clumsy, perhaps innocent which was better than awkward but there was no sexy associated with my person. However, I started to pull the band shirt over my head as slowly as I could manage and then I let it fall to the floor. I didn’t look back at him, but continued to undress.
My pants were easily unbuttoned, unzipped and slid down over my hips with purpose. The black boy shorts were the only things remaining and the black bra kept me my torso partially covered. I swallowed, not daring to glance back again but I knew he was watching. He had to be.
Was it enough? Had I asked him without words? Did he understand?
The fingertips that drifted over my collarbones were answer enough. There was heated breath on the back of my neck and another set of fingers that gently moved my hair. Lips pressed to that soft area, causing a light squeak to echo from me. My breath was coming in shaky heaves, but I had decided that this was it. I wanted this. I wanted him.
His fingers nimbly unclipped the back of the last remaining article of clothing on my torso and it fell to the floor with an audible thump. Maybe it was just my nerves escalating the sound of things, but I could swear that it sounded like an explosion. I nearly jumped, my arms protectively encircling the area so private to me. Kellin traced his hands down over my shoulders, scraping tenderly against my biceps, my forearms and finally reached my hands. It didn’t take any pressure to remove them from the spot he wished to see. I blushed and leaned my head back, eyes closed as I tried to calm myself. I found that as I did this, I could reach the crook of his neck with my mouth. My lips connected with this flesh and I earned a groan from him. With instincts on high, I turned to look at him.
He had taken off his shirt, taken off his pants and was only in a pair of dark blue boxers. The nerves were plainly written on his expression even though this wasn’t a new thing to him. He wasn’t the virgin here…I was.
I pulled my lips into a line before stepping away from him and tugging off the final item of clothing. This was it…he was the first boy to ever see my body void of cover…and the first I dared to bare my soul to. He knew this and I could see it in his eyes. There was so much tenderness, so much love that I knew I was making the right decision.
My fingers pulled back the curtain to the shower and I stepped in, letting the warm water send me into a tranquil, familiar place. I placed my back to it, the liquid flowing over my shoulders and soaking my hair. When the shower curtain moved, I swallowed and tried not to tremble. This time, it wouldn’t just be me that was naked.
He stepped me forward to allow him more room and I couldn’t help myself. I turned around and met his eyes.
The water was causing him to become even more striking than usual. His hair stuck to his face in places, the water droplets adding tiny diamonds that dripped effortlessly from him. The subtle expression, the delicate questions in his eyes made me more sure that I was ready for this; I was ready to give him all of me. His hands reached up to cup my cheeks before he leaned down to kiss my brow, each eyelid, each cheek and finally to touch my lips with his own. It was tender, something so fleeting that it left me wanting more but not in a greedy way.
I opened my eyes and watched him for a moment, examined the way he seemed unsure before I stood on my tiptoes. I kissed the tip of his nose, his cheeks and then met his lips.
After that, we were lost to an oblivion of passion, love, lust and ecstasy.
The next morning I had remembered that I’d still had a black mustache colored on my upper lip but when I looked at the sleeping Kellin next to me, I could only smile. There was a black mark on him as well…and that confirmed that I hadn’t been dreaming the whole time. I kissed his cheek and watched his eyes flutter open quietly.
“Hey sleepyhead, guess what,” I murmured. He groaned softly in reply. “We’re a mustache couple now.” He chuckled airily and rolled over, taking me with him and wrapping his arms around me.
“We’re more than that,” he whispered. I blushed and nuzzled into his chest.
“I love you,” I uttered. He smiled, eyes still shut.
“I love you too.”
***
Dr. Malone finished reading the last sentence and I could tell by the way her eyes stopped moving. I hadn’t exactly written what she had asked because when Kellin had announced that we were dating, the boys had already known. It had been a big deal but not a momentous one. He had even asked my father for permission to date me and it hadn’t been that big of an occasion. So in a night filled with tears and nostalgia, I had written this.
She looked up at me and smiled.
“This isn’t what I wanted,” she began (and all I could think was “Duh, obviously not”), “But nonetheless this is very good. I’m sure it was hard for you to write all of this down.” I nodded.
“Yeah, it really was,” I murmured. She could have no idea what torture this was for me, to relive all the moments that were special and dear to my heart. She nodded again and smiled.
“Well I look forward to our next session then,” she replied softly and I swallowed. I wasn’t looking forward to it…not one bit.
This was a part of my past I didn’t want to go back to but I knew I had to. I had to face it at some point. The jovial part lasted for a small piece of my life…but it was also the thing that had caused me so much strife.