The rest of my school day is agony. Not only am I still incredibly tired, but I also have to fend off curious questions from my friends. They seem to be rather intrigued (Anna and Lauren) as well as confused (Gracie) by my unexplained and sudden desire to abandon them and spend my lunch break at the library instead.
Luckily, Lauren also cannot stop talking about her "date" with Matt, which wasn't even really a date, since his and her friends sat with them. But pointing that out would be petty, plus her going and on about it is a good way to deflect some of their questions that would otherwise be addressed to me.
On the way home, I am grateful that the boys are in the car with Ben and I, since I am sure that he would otherwise have picked up where we left off when I stormed out of the empty classroom. However, Ben shoots me a few meaningful looks via the rear-view mirror that make me feel a bit uncomfortable. Maybe it is just my imagination going wild once again. Or my conscience, as Alex would probably see it.
We have barely left the school behind when my phone buzzes. It is Gracie, who demands an explanation for my "weird behaviour" during our lunch period. This was to be expected, but I have no idea what to tell her.
Should I tell her about my discovery?
Gracie and I have been friends since second grade, when she moved here. I tell her everything and vice versa. But this time, I feel uncertain about whether I should let her in on what I found out.
Maybe she will just tell me to let it go and that it doesn't matter?
I don't think I am ready to hear that. At least not until I have a clearer picture of what is going on and what my brothers have kept from me all these years. However, that creates the next problem: What do I tell her? Gracie knows me too well to buy it that I just wanted to spend some quiet time in the library. I have never done that before, so why should I start now?
An image of Finn flashes through my mind and makes me jump.
What on earth...? Why did I think of him just now?
He is certainly no solution to my current problem. If I were, say, Lauren, it would be different. I could just claim that I had a secret date with him. But Gracie will immediately know that I am not telling the truth, because there is simply no reason why I would not tell her if there was a boy that I liked.
Being the coward I am, I decide to give myself an easy way out: I will ignore her message for now and when she asks me about it tomorrow, I will just say that my phone had died. Or that it had been confiscated by one of my brothers as a punishment for...something. Either way, I am relying on my ability to come up with an explanation on the fly tomorrow, should she put any pressure on me. And knowing her, she is not very likely to let it go.
"Lily!"
Ben's voice startles me.
"What?" I snap back, ready to defend myself in case he decided to bother me about our earlier argument after all.
"Whoa, don't bite my head off. I just wanted to let you know that we're here," Ben replies.
I mentally kick myself for snapping at him. The last thing I need is to give him more reason to lecture me.
"Oh okay. Sorry," I mutter and quickly get out of his car.
Before he has a chance to say anything else, I hurry to my bedroom, claiming that I have a ton of homework to get through. And that is only partially an excuse, because the teachers have already started to pile on the workload. It will definitely be tougher than in middle school.
Once I am in the relative safety of my room, I mindlessly dump the contents of my schoolbag onto my bed and get ready to throw myself next to it. But then my eyes fall onto my lunchbox and my stomach churns. With all that has been going on in class this afternoon – mainly my friends pestering me with questions – I have completely forgotten to get rid of my sandwich.
That leaves me with two options: either eat it now or throw it away here at home. Obviously, it cannot be option one, since I could never eat a sandwich now and have dinner in about two and a half hours on top of it. Which would only raise unnecessary questions, if I refused to eat then. Hence, option two it is.
I grab a notepad and rip a few pages off, using them to wrap up the sandwich in hopes that this "disguise" will make it inconspicuous in my trash can. Maybe later I will find an opportunity to transfer it to the kitchen trash instead, where the possibility of it being discovered by accident will be smaller.
After having accomplished the first part of said mission, aka getting rid of my lunch in my room's trash can, I collapse on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling, trying to sort through the myriad of thoughts that are clogging up my brain.
I am still not quite sure what to make of my discovery today. After what Jordan told me – unintentionally, I assume – it should have come as no big surprise that I could not find any trace of him or my other oldest brothers in our school's yearbooks. But the longer I ponder the reasons behind this, the more confusing it is to me.
I cannot for the life of me find any logical reason why they would have kept the information from me that my family moved here at some point in the past. I mean, my best friend Gracie only moved here when she was in second grade. It is by no means unusual to move at some point in your life.
So why make a big deal out of it and keep it a secret?
And am I the only one who was not privy to that information?
Something tells me that neither Noah nor Aidan know about this little fact. Otherwise, I am sure it would have come up at some point. Unless it really is as irrelevant as I hope it is. I definitely need to speak to one of them – correction: to Noah – as soon as possible.
Also, I need to find a way, respectively a reason, to get back up to our attic. Because wondering about Jordan's weird revelation has reminded me of his odd behaviour on Saturday, when we were going through his stuff up there. Maybe having a closer look at these mysterious boxes in the attic will help me figure out parts of this puzzle.
There is a knock on my door and immediately my heartbeat picks up. I mentally scold myself for being so jumpy. It is not like anyone could possibly read my mind, so there is no reason to be apprehensive of facing one of my brothers.
I am just about to invite whoever it is into my room when they let themselves in without awaiting my reply. I furrow my eyebrows and glare at Ben as he enters.
"What's with the evil eye?" he asks, sounding slightly amused, which immediately annoys me.
"It's rude to just walk into someone's room," I reply icily.
"I knocked."
"But I didn't invite you in yet. I could have been changing, you know?"
He just shrugs this off.
"So what? I used to change your nappy not too long ago."
"Ben!" I literally cringe at the thought of that.
Also, I am kind of offended that he implies that it was only a few years ago.
"That was ages ago!" I add angrily, desperate to defend myself and get my point across. "And it doesn't give you the right to just barge in here now."
"Do you have anything to hide?"
The way he scrutinizes me when he says that infuriates me even more.
"Of course not."
"In that case, stop being so dramatic. – How's the homework going?"
There is a challenging undertone in Ben's voice which makes it clear that he knows exactly that I have not yet started on my homework, despite my earlier claim when I ran away from him.
"It's coming along," I say stubbornly.
"Lily."
"Ben."
He sighs and sits down on the edge of my bed. I immediately shuffle away from him. I am definitely not in the mood for him to come too close to me right now. Actually, I would prefer if he just left me alone. To emphasize that, I fold my arms in front of me and continue to stare at the ceiling, ignoring his presence. Maybe he will get the message and go away.
"You had kind of a rough day, huh?" Ben states quietly.
The way he says this, without any trace of accusation in his voice, but in his typical calm and rational way, almost makes me spill the beans to him. Almost. I am not used to keeping things from my brothers and I am also very inexperienced in dealing with confusing situation like the current one.
I grunt something in response, not sure what he wants to hear from me. I don't even know what he is referring to, exactly.
Does he mean me being late to my first class after lunch?
That was mainly his fault anyway, so why would that lead him to assume that I had a rough day? It sounds kind of presumptuous, if you ask me.
"Maya told me that you struggled to concentrate in her class," he continues.
Who's Maya?
"Ms. Miller, I mean," he quickly corrects himself.
Oh.
My plan to ignore him falters the moment these words leave his mouth. I look up at Ben and, despite myself, I almost laugh at the sheepish expression on his face.
Is he blushing?
"You call her by her first name?" I ask curiously.
Now it is Ben's turn to look at me funny.
"We're colleagues, Lily. Of course we call each other by our first names. This is the twenty-first century, after all."
"Of course," I mutter and add quietly: "And I am sure that's the only reason."
"Is there anything you want to say to me?"
"Nope. I am just wondering why she would tell you this, is all."
"Because I am your brother?"
"That's not a valid reason. Actually, I think it is very unfair. She already talked to me about it, right after her class, and I thought it was dealt with. I don't understand why she had to mention it to you, too. You're only my brother, not my guardian," I point out agitatedly.
The thought of my teacher talking to Ben about me behind my back really irritates me. This clearly puts me at a huge disadvantage compared to the other students and I think that is totally unfair.
Why do I have to suffer the consequences just because I have a stupid brother who decided to be a teacher at my school?
"She was just concerned and asked me about you. I explained to her that you don't deal too well with late nights on a school night, that's all. She understood. There's no reasons to make a big deal out of it," Ben reassures me. "And you being so cranky today kind of proves my point, princess."
"How about you just stop bothering me and – even more importantly – stop talking about me with your so-called colleagues? That would definitely improve my mood," I snarl at him.
Ben takes a deep breath while I hold mine, expecting him to give me an earful for being out of line, but instead he just pats my arm and stands up from my bed.
"Make sure to finish that homework. Let me or one of your brothers know if you need help," he instructs me. "Dinner is at 6:30. And I suggest you make sure to be in bed by 8:00 at the very latest tonight."
He gives me a small smile and walks out of my room, leaving me to feel bad for my harsh reaction. I know that he only means well, but it also comes across as very overbearing. Even more so when I am as grumpy and confused as I currently am.
I decide to make my way downstairs by 6:15 already to help him set the dinner table in order to make up for snapping at him.
*******
Dinner does not go well at all. We have only sat down a short while ago and I am already counting the minutes until I can disappear in my room again. The whole mood is kind of strange, but it is hard to say if it is just me, or if something else is up.
"Where's Jordan?" I ask into the awkward silence that has been surrounding us from the start.
"At Josh's," Alex replies simply.
"Why?"
"Because he's staying there?"
My oldest brother gives me a funny look as if to say that this was a pretty stupid question, which I obviously don't agree with.
Just because his temporary bed is at Josh's does not mean he gets to skip on our family dinners. Although, looking around, maybe it is a bit far-fetched to call it that. Sam, Jack and Will are missing, too. Sam has gone somewhere with his girlfriend and Will hardly ever shows up for dinner anyway. Jack is apparently working on a project with a classmate and called earlier to say that he won't be back in time to eat with us. Not that I care, really. All I am interested in is Jordan's whereabouts.
"And who is going to take me to Josh's tonight?" I want to know.
"Why would you need to go there?" Luke asks, causing me to give him a bewildered look.
"Because I am staying there as well?" I use Alex' earlier reasoning.
"No, you're not."
I stare at Alex as if he is growing a second head.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You know exactly what it means."
"No, I don't!"
Is he deliberately trying to irritate me?
"Well, let me spell it out for you then: You are sleeping in your own bed tonight," Alex explains.
"But...but...that's not fair!" I explode.
"Calm down, Lily," Ben says.
I glare at him for getting involved and then turn my attention back on Alex.
"You cannot do that!" I claim. "I told you that I am staying there until Jordan is moving back here!"
"And I am telling you that you are not. It was okay for you to stay there during the weekend. But on school nights, you are sleeping in your own room, which happens to be here. End of discussion," Alex lays down the law.
"That is so mean!" I complain. "Why would you do that to me?"
"You stayed here last night already, princess. What even made you think you could spend the night at Josh's again?" Ben gets involved yet again.
"I didn't intend to sleep here last night!" I argue, my voice getting louder with each word that is coming out of my mouth. "You brought me here against my will!"
I am feeling so angry right now and I have to put a lot of effort into holding back the treacherous tears that are already burning in my eyes. But I won't give them the satisfaction of crying in front of them, that's for sure.
"Maybe you should have considered that before falling asleep in the car and having to be carried to your room like a baby," Aidan pipes up.
My knuckles literally turn white as I tighten the grip on the fork I am holding in my hand. It takes even more self-control than fighting my upcoming tears for me not to throw it at Aidan's head.
"Aidan," Alex warns him.
"Have you ever thought that maybe Jordan doesn't even want to spend every free minute with you? It's kind of embarrassing how you're hanging onto his pant legs. Give the guy some space," Aidan continues to mock me, totally ignoring Alex' warning.
"You're just jealous that he actually likes hanging out with me," I shoot back.
"Lily, the same goes for you. Stop antagonizing each other. Actually, just don't talk to each other at all," Alex orders, rubbing his temples.
I feel a bit sorry for him because he looks rather worn out and tired. I wonder if it has anything to do with that discussion they had earlier. When I came downstairs to help Ben set the table, I found Alex, Sam – who had not yet left by then – and Ben huddled together in the kitchen, talking quietly to each other. I only caught the tail-end of their conversation, when Sam asked if Josh and Jordan knew, and Alex said they did. Then Ben saw me and they very quickly and very noticeably changed the topic and acted as if they had not just been behaving really secretive. To me, it was quite obvious that they are hiding something from me.
Yet another something.
I kind of start to see a pattern there.
At first, I wanted to ask them what was going on, but then decided against it. This isn't the first time that I think they were acting weird lately, and maybe, if I continue to pretend not to notice that something is going on, I do have a better chance to find out more about it eventually. The more clueless I come across, the less careful they will be around me. That theory has been tested and proven effective plenty of times in the past already. Sometimes it is quite helpful if they think of me as just a naïve little kid who doesn't know anything.
Anyway, Alex being so obviously exhausted would normally immediately make me stop fighting with Aidan, simply out of respect for my oldest brother. But since I didn't exactly have a great day today myself, I am not willing to back down so easily when my least favourite brother does not respect Alex' authority either, and decides to keep going.
"Jealous of you? That would be the day. What's there even to be jealous about? Being treated like the baby that you are?" Aidan laughs.
"Shut up! I am not a baby!" I shout.
I earn myself a satisfied grin for this, since I just gave him what he has been aiming for all along.
"That's enough from both of you," Ben orders since Alex looks as if he has given up trying to get us to act civil around each other. "Keep quiet and eat your dinner."
"I'm done," I say indignantly.
"You barely even ate anything. I want you to finish at least half of everything that's on your plate," Alex says.
"But I'm not hungry anymore," I protest.
"I am not having this discussion with you yet again, Lily. I am sick and tired of it. Now do as I told you."
"Alex," I whine.
I don't know what is going on with me, because I know from experience that this kind of behaviour won't get me anywhere with my brother. But I cannot help feeling betrayed by them ever since I found out today that they have been lying to us. Maybe that is why I am being extra difficult tonight.
"Lily, just stop it, okay? You know exactly that we don't do this to be mean, but because we care about you. Also, you might not even have had your lunch today, and it is our responsibility to make sure that you eat enough," Ben tries to reason with me.
However, his repeated interference has the opposite effect. It immediately raises my hackles and now I project my anger onto him.
"Oh, is that according to your spies? Or what else would make you think that I didn't eat my lunch, huh? Don't you trust me? Remember how you asked me about it today, when you dragged me into that empty classroom to question me about my whereabouts, because I had apparently slipped off your spies' radar for a few precious minutes? I told you then that I had eaten my lunch! But no, not only did you make me late for my class, because you are so caught up in controlling every freaking aspect of my school life. No, you are also still questioning what I told you? You know what? Screw you, Ben!"
I have jumped up from my chair during my outburst and now I am glaring daggers in Ben's direction while the rest of my brothers stare at me like I am some kind of an alien. I cannot even blame them for that, because they are probably not used to me blowing up like this. Leave alone witness me cursing at my brother.
"Lily! Your behaviour is unacceptable!" Alex yells, finally losing his patience with me. "You do not talk to your brother like that. I want you to apologize to Ben for being so disrespectful. And then you will eat your dinner without any further argument. All of it. And finally..."
I open my mouth to defend myself but the cold look Alex gives me shuts me up immediately.
"And finally, once you're done, you will go straight to your room and get ready for bed."
A quick glance at the clock tells me that it is not even 7:00pm yet. My normal bedtime is between 8:30 and 9:00pm. I attempt to protest once again, but this time it is the disappointment on Alex' face that keeps me from doing it. Instead, I just nod and turn to Ben.
"I am sorry for what I said to you," I apologize, trying to sound as sincere as possible.
I am truly feeling bad for what came out of my mouth. And it is even worse that I accused him of not trusting me, because, theoretically, it would be justified, since I did indeed lie to him. Only, as far as I know, he isn't aware of that, and I hope it stays that way. Otherwise, I will definitely be in a lot more trouble than I am now.
"Apology accepted," Ben says generously. "And I am sorry that you think that I am spying on you. That is not my intention at all, please believe me."
"Okay," I mutter.
"Great. And now finish your dinner."
I force myself to eat what is on my plate and, surprisingly, it is not even half as bad as I expected it to be. By now, I should know that this is always the case. My appetite usually comes with me eating, and once I am in the middle of it, it is actually quite satisfying.
While I eat my dinner, I listen to my brothers talking about the twins' try-outs and the results that were announced today. They both made the respective teams and from looking at Alex, I can tell that he is really proud of them. It is the first time tonight that his features seem to relax a bit and I am glad to see that. I tell myself not to add to his stress anymore and to just quietly accept that he is sending me to bed early. I brought it upon myself with my acting so irritable all day. Hopefully, getting a good night's sleep will improve my mood tomorrow.
Once I am done, I gather my dirty plate and cutlery and put everything in the dishwasher. Then I return to the table to say goodnight to everybody. I exchange a quick hug with Luke and then Alex. After he tells me to sleep well, he adds in a whisper:
"We will talk tomorrow about you being late to class."
Immediately, my previous anger at Ben resurfaces. He must have told Alex about it. But just in time, before I lash out at him again, I remember that I myself blurted this information out when I held my raging speech earlier. I mentally kick myself for being so stupid and throwing myself under the bus.
"I love you, peanut," Alex adds gently and rubs my back in a reconciliatory way.
I just nod and mutter an I love you back and then hurry out of the dining room. As I pass Aidan, I am pretty sure I hear him call me a baby in a low voice again, obviously intended for only me to hear. I give him the evil eye but refrain from any verbal retaliation. He is simply not worth the trouble I would get into if I started up yet another fight with him.