Me and Brandon’s fight was three weeks ago and I still hadn’t text him or seen him. This was the longest we had gone without talking ever and I didn’t really know who was to blame. I was being stubborn in not texting first, he began the fight so he should back down, he called me childish and acted like I only cared about myself which couldn’t of been further from the truth. It was only at my weakest lowest times I wondered if I should message first, I was in the end the one who walked out without us both calming down and talking it over something we always have done. At night I struggled to not give in and just text him something not caring who was right and wrong just missing him... but somehow I always stopped myself the burning in my chest the main reason whenever I heard how angry he seemed at me calling him gay, like it was a curse.
He couldn’t be that upset because Blair told me Halloween weekend, which was the following one after we fell out he seen him at the nightclub in town something he would never of done before, maybe I’d been stopping him from doing his own thing. He was also there with Nora, his still girlfriend giving me the impression he had made his choice him being right when he said it would be an easy one to make.
“Listen I know you and him still haven’t spoken yet but please just come Friday? I will keep you both away from each other if needs be but please it’s my birthday?” He begged over the phone as he again was trying to invite me to his birthday beach bash. He was turning twenty and apparently that’s a big deal because his no longer a teenager. I hated knowing that if I went there it wouldn’t be a question that I would see him there, that he would probably be with Nora and I’d have to put on a brave face.
What hurt too is he hadn’t thought twice about going not caring that I’d known him longer so he should of took one for the team and declined. He could of happily had a night alone with his girlfriend and it would of made no difference to him. Me though Blair would not let me pass on the night.
I told him I’d see how I feel about it when it came, still I had two days to either come up with an excuse or make up with Brandon or even decide I didn’t care and hopefully if I got drunk enough that could happen.
Friday came and of course I hadn’t been the bigger bloke and messaged Brandon it would be harder now after over three weeks because it would mean admitting that I was wrong in waiting this long. I finished work at five like always only now when I finished it was already black, the day when me and Brandon walked to the cliff edge seeming forever ago. I locked up faster in the dark and got home to mine quicker as it was closer than going to Brandon’s as soon as I stepped through the front door I had a message from Blair reminding me I had no choice but to go tonight.
B. Pick u up at 9
I went right to the kitchen and poured a large glass of my Dad’s bourbon, commence my last option, get so drunk I don’t care. After knocking that one back I helped myself to another leaving the kitchen glass in hand only to return to take the entire bottle upstairs with me. I showered and found out some warm clothes knowing the coastline where the party was at would be freezing at night even if they were able to get the bonfire going like Blair told me he planned. He had been going on about tonight for weeks even his girlfriend had told him what a good party it would make, on the beach with a bonfire and drinks everyone having a good time in the dark, a final outdoors party before it probably starts to snow now winter had hit.
I put on a white jumper that had a roses design on the front of it and my black jeans, going for my black Adidas originals. I’d finally gotten my hair cut last week so at least I didn’t look to scruffy, gelling it back to hold it in place I still ruffled it after so it didn’t look too perfect. I’d began shaving my beard again almost every day so that added to my not a total car crash looks tonight. As I was getting dressed I was stopping between almost every action to have a drink now just swigging it from the bottle finding it more convenient than pouting glass after glass. It was quarter to eight as I stumbled down the stairs tripping over my own feet on the bottom step making everyone in the living room to turn and glare at me. Thankfully my Dad was out tonight or else I would of been murdered, not that I even realised he wasn’t here.
“You better replace that bottle before your Father sees.” My mom spoke turning a blind eye to my state going back to whatever show she was watching.
“Ye-s Mam.” I held up the bottle then slid along the wall to the cupboard under the stairs to find one of my jackets cheering loudly as I pulled it out trying to figure out how to get it on as I somehow made my way into the kitchen slumping into the counter. I’d gotten the jacket on and my hands in my pockets feeling something I pulled whatever it was out unfolding the paper I squinted to make out the words.
Be my prom date? No homo lmao pls? B
I collapsed into the side behind me instead of in front the words hitting me like a ton of bricks as all my efforts at drinking until I no longer cared stopped working. I remembered that day like it was yesterday, it was in fact almost two years ago two weeks before Prom and I didn’t have a date and neither did he and we were both cool with going alone. Then I heard people mumbling in class and soon heard them say pass this to Mason then the next person would and then the next as a small piece of paper was handed from hand to hand across the room it eventually falling onto the desk in front of me. I opened it not able to keep from standing in the middle of class to answer him yes everyone cheering and laughing because even then everyone knew we weren’t gay together.
I felt like I’d ruined all of that and for what? Two handjobs and some steamy making out. The only part I would even consider worth any part of us falling out is at least now he knows how I feel about guys, everything else I’d take back in a heartbeat. Even that stupid argument, I was mad but I wish I would never of said half of what I did. Before I had time to sober up my fingers were dialling his phone, not finding his contact but actually typing each individual number into my phone from memory even in my totally intoxicated state, holding the phone to my ear it not even being a possibility he wouldn’t answer until it had rang a total of nine times, I knew phones only ring ten times. As I moved the phone I heard it click and then his voice deep and stuttering a hello.
“Hey.” I breathed back not knowing why I’d called in the first place.
“What’s up?” He asked slowly as if he didn’t know what to say either. “I mean everything okay?” He asked again and I sighed shaking my head deciding this was a stupid idea.
“No I’m fine. I’m dandy fine. I just. It was nothing and now I’m gonna go.” I mumbled as I walked straight across the kitchen taking a much needed mouthful of alcohol again trying to dull my pain.
“Wait hang on.” He seemed panicked that I’d hang up so I waited the line silent as I closed my eyes wondering what he was thinking, what he had been doing when I called. “You still there?” He asked and I mumbled something incoherent into the mouthpiece earning him sigh in response. I imagined him sitting on the edge of his bed running his hands through his hair... “Why did you call me Mason?” He was dead serious now whatever he was originally going to say gone.
“I erm...” Took another big mouthful looking at the piece of paper that was on the table in front of me. “I just- remember when you asked me to prom? That was good that was.” I somehow laughed falling backwards again on the counter.
“Yeah I remember that. Miss Gordon almost yelled at us because nobody was allowed to talk about prom during class but I think she was scared everyone would think she was Homophobic so she dropped it.” He chuckled lowly too remembering it just as well as I did.
“I fucking miss that.” The laughing stopped from both of us. “Shit. Sorry Brandon. Fuck. I’m gonna hang up now.” It was me hurriedly trying to get off the phone feeling like we shouldn’t be talking not now, not when I’m too drunk to know what I’m saying.
“How much are you drinking Mason calm now.” He laughed a little but even now I could tell he was worried a little for me.
“No it’s so okay. I have a party, like this erm party. You know I’m going now actually so I have to go, to the party.” I rambled not knowing what I was trying to say.
“Blair’s birthday I know. Maybe I will see you there. Don’t drink anymore I can hear your already wasted.” He spoke slow so concentrated on me.
“Wasted man totally.” I joked an accent as if I was a surfer sounding more like the turtle from finding nemo making him laugh. It sounded so good. I laughed too no longer regretting calling him, it felt good having that someone to talk to even if all this was nonsense or at least what I was saying was. “Maybe I could like jump from a rock into the sea and turn into a turtle and live for hundreds of years and then maybe that’s long enough to stop love-" I stopped knowing what I was about to say. “Liking you so much.” I corrected myself now noticing how stupid that sentence was anyway. He was silent and I was pretty sure he knew too what I was going to say.
“How are you getting there tonight?” He asked ignoring what I said asking a much more sensible question. Since when was he the serious one?
“Driving duh it’s like four hours away I can’t fly.” I was back to chuckling and grabbing the drink.
“I said stop drinking Mason. Be serious come on?” He asked not believing a word I was saying clearly and who could blame him.
“I’m driving.” I dragged out to make him listen. “No actually Blair Bear is driving me actually and he is probably waiting for me so I will have to leave you to see him.” I explained trying to steady myself on my feet thinking I had to go to the door because Blair would be waiting there.
“Be careful. Bye Mason.” He spoke so serious again before the line went silent and instead I rang Blair.
“Hey my man!” I yelled when he picked up.
“Hey you sound in a good mood. I’m just getting my keys then heading over you ready?” He asked unaware of my state still.
“Do you know that Brandon ignores the Love word? Like really you say it and he changes the subject.” I blanked his question not caring if he hadn’t left the house yet as I, to the annoyance to my Mom loudly made my way to the front door.
“No I didn’t know that. Why are you telling me that now?” He laughed and I could hear him start his car soon followed by the sound of his indicator.
“He also. He also erm he is also coming tonight.” I stumbled not knowing why again I was on the phone to someone.
“And that’s why your already wasted?” He again laughed I could just see him shaking his head. I was now on my front door step sliding my body down the wall until I sat on the floor.
“I never even gave him the chance to say sorry.” I sighed feeling like this was all my fault yet again having one of my low moments when all I wanted was for it to be Brandon that was on his way over here. He could scoop me up from the floor and help me upstairs and we could stay there all night talking or sleeping I didn’t care anymore who apologised or who backed down first if either of us at all I just wanted my best friend back.
“Maybe if you weren’t so damn drunk you could of spoke to him tonight shit head. I’ll be at yours in ten minutes.” He wasn’t laughing at me anymore. I hummed okay and we stayed silently on the phone until I seen his car pull into my road. Once parked on my drive I off balance walked towards him opening the passenger side door almost being dragged with it. “Do you think it’s a good idea you come tonight? I don’t plan on babysitting you?” He rose an eyebrow as I somehow managed to get my seatbelt on.
“I don’t need a babysitter!” I snapped making him ‘ohhh' at how moody I was. He breathed an okay then started the car us both back to being silent as we drove the twenty to thirty minutes drive to the beach. Everyone was told to get there for nine so me and Blair would be a little late but it was his party he could show up any time he wanted.
The road in front of the sand was pretty quiet so we managed to get a space right up close meaning I wouldn’t have to wonder to far before I’d find what I needed, alcohol. Instead Blair led me to Levi and Louie, making me feel like he was using them to look after me as he went off to find his girlfriend. I said a brief hello to them before asking where all the alcohol was, being great mates they led me to it not caring I was already rather inebriated. Luckily for me the sand was pretty wet and cold making it solid as I trod through it to the nearest cooler.
The sea air had done me some good, well if by good you mean sobered me up a little, even after I’d had two bottles of bud in the last forty minutes. I’d been catching up with the guys who I’d only seen once since me and Brandon stopped talking too scared they would ask what happened and I wouldn’t be able to answer or if they invited me out with them he would be there. We were sat on the wall which too was helping me feel quite clear headed.
Blair was right other than the cold this was a pretty awesome idea. He had music playing and some branches and logs around which they had found along the beach and dragged together to make a seating area, he hadn’t got a fire going yet but they were still working on that as we speak and everyone was here more people than I knew all standing around drink in hand talking.
A song came on and Louie and Levis conversation faded to background noise instead of the music as I listened to the words. ‘It’s supposed to hurt/It’s a broke heart/But the moving on is the hardest part/It comes in waves/The letting go’ I pulled myself out of it zoning back into Levi as he said something about hoping we would have really deep snow soon, something I desperately didn’t want. I seen Louie look straight past me at something a smile pulling the corner of his lips up making me turn to see what he was looking at finding it to actually be a who not a what. Brandon had just walked in and at the most perfect moment as the fire finally went up into flames the warm tones washing over his face as he seemed to be scanning the area. The music playing filled my ears as I stared at him feeling like it was the first time I was really seeing him. His hair looked longer than before pulled into a low bun. He was wearing a knee length black coat that was left undone showing off a white t-shirt underneath. He was wearing tight black skinny jeans and brown kind of like cowboy boots which I’d never seen before... ‘What if I’m trying/But then I close my eyes/And then I’m right back/Lost in that last goodbye/What if time doesnt do what it’s supposed to do?/What if I never get over you?’ The words rang so true...
A cough broke me from my stare and I turned to look back at Levi surprised he wasn’t coughing to get my attention but instead Louie’s. Was he? No way was he checking him out even if I am the overly jealous type I could think logically and Louie was the most straightest guy going, even if I thought that about Brandon. I turned to look his way and that’s when I seen her. Miss Nora steal your guy. She was clung to his arm so who knows how I didn’t see her before. She was wearing a skirt of all things to wear to a winter outside beach party and not like a cute one with tights under it was just a black jean skirt and bare legs. Stupidly she also was wearing heels... I mean heels to the beach! Granted they were chunky but she was already sinking in the sand telling him she needed to sit down. He picked her up bridal style and she loved it clinging to his neck tipping her head back laughing but he didn’t look impressed as he carried her our way his eyes finally settling on me.
I looked away back to Louie who was staring still too. “Don’t be so fucking obvious.” Levi grunted under his breath to Louie who snapped out of it coughing to.
“Erm something I’m missing?” I whisper yelled but they shook their heads stopping as Brandon’s shadow loomed over us and he dropped Nora to her feet.