Seb pressed a button on the steering wheel and ended the call to Doctor Christen (who had told them he'd be waiting at his practice for them) while he drove. Beside him Chloe sat with her hands gripping tightly onto the scarf that she hadn't even bothered to put around her neck with silent tears rolling down her cheeks. He knew what she was thinking; the worst case scenario, because she'd been through that once before and he was desperately trying not to think that way himself. As he kept his eyes on the road, he was aware of her hands scrunching up her woollen scarf and then twisting it, almost violently as the interior of the Portofino was periodically lit up by passing cars. Chloe kept her head facing to the right, looking out into the darkness, her hands wringing the scarf to the point it burnt her skin, her fear mounting with every minute that passed. The more she was thinking about it, the more distressed she was getting. The smell of Seb's sweat filled the car, showering after training with Heikki had not even been on his radar, they'd left the house just a few minutes after she'd told him that she was bleeding, he hadn't even got changed. She turned her to head to the left to take a look at him, he had both hands gripping on to the steering wheel apart from having to lift one to momentarily scratch his chin. As a car passed she could see his jaw was tensed and he was staring straight ahead, concentrating, deep in thought, miles away. She wanted him to say something, she wanted him to say that her baby was going to be ok, she wanted him to hold her hand to comfort and reassure her but she'd been so unpleasant towards him over the last day or so that she didn't blame him for keeping distant. She turned to look back the other way, not noticing that he'd glanced at her as she did so. She wished her parents were still here and her nan. Her nan would have known what to say to try and ease her fears and her mum would have come with her in the car and held her hand the whole way through this hellish ordeal, she suddenly felt very alone. A small sob escaped her and she bought the scarf up to her face to muffle her cries. After all that her baby had survived, losing it now was a cruel, devastating blow and she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to come back from it. She felt Seb's hand grab hold of hers, pulling it away from her face, and he linked their fingers together to hold it tightly. Although he didn't speak his gesture was enough to offer her a little comfort and to let her know that she wasn't as alone as she thought. He barely let go for the rest of the journey to Zurich.
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Still clutching Seb's hand, Chloe stood on shaking legs looking bleakly at the examination bed after Gabriel had walked them into his room. He was a very confident, self assured man and very calm, even though she felt like she was close to having a panic attack. He didn't seemed phased at all at why they were here, early on a Thursday evening, but his calmness did nothing to ease her crippling fear. Passing her a blanket, Gabriel took in Chloe's panic stricken, tear stained face and Seb's equally grim expression. He hoped he'd be able to give them some good news.
"Can you remove the clothing from your bottom half and get on the bed for me Chloe? I'll need to do a quick internal examination before the ultrasound." He drew a curtain around the bed, holding a section open for her to step behind it.
"Internal?" She asked, looking completely terrified. She couldn't have that! No way could she go through that, not with him! She hadn't let a stranger touch her there since.... Surely he had female nurses to do that.
"I just need to quickly check your cervix." He smiled, trying to reassure her that he didn't perform internal exams for no reason.
"Isn't there a woman here who can do that?" She looked at him and then at Seb, maybe he could intervene and insist that she saw a woman. She couldn't bare the thought of a man she didn't really know touching her so intimately.
"I'm afraid not, it's out of hours now."
"I can stay with you." Seb said softly, knowing why she was reacting the way she was. "He just wants to check, that's all. It'll be normal procedure." He added, feeling her hand shaking in his own. She shook her head, looking at him. "You need to have this done, I promise you he's not doing it to hurt you. You're perfectly safe."
"I'll be as gentle and as quick as I can Chloe, you will feel a little discomfort but it won't be for very long." Gabriel tried again and thankfully she relented, nodding her head and letting go of Seb's hand to step behind the curtain which the doctor pulled fully closed to give her privacy. While she was getting undressed, Seb watched as Gabriel brought up his wife's file on his laptop, he studied Gabriel's expression, looking for any clues as to what the man was thinking, but his expression and calm exterior gave nothing away. "Are you ready Chloe?" He called towards the curtain.
"Yeah." She called back meekly. As Gabriel entered the enclosed space, she found herself looking for Seb. Even with the blanket covering her bottom half she still felt exposed and vulnerable, she needed him. Seb stood the other side of the curtain, he didn't know whether he should go in and she hadn't said either way if she needed him or not. Would she want him there while the exam was taking place? Or would she prefer him to stay out of the way?
"Chloe I need you to bring your knees up with your feet together and then let your knees fall apart." Gabriel stood to one side with surgical gloves on. Chloe just looked to the curtain, seeming to ignore him. "Would like Seb in here with us?" He asked. She looked up at the ceiling and then nodded. She couldn't do this without him. Pulling the curtain to one side, he gestured for Seb to join them and he took a deep breath before coming in. Standing to her left, he took her hand again.
"You can do this." He murmured softly. "Just a few seconds and he'll have done it." She closed her eyes and did as Gabriel had instructed, drawing her knees up, putting her feet together and then letting her knees fall apart. He moved the blanket, shifting it upwards to give him the space he needed. She felt his gloved hand just brush against her inner thigh, she tensed her whole body and whimpered, she didn't want this at all.
"Just take some breaths and relax." Gabriel instructed, as she lay there with her eyes screwed shut.
"I can't." She shook her head. Suddenly she could feel Seb stroking her hair, letting his fingers brush over her forehead.
"Yes you can." He couldn't bare seeing her like this and not being able to do a thing about it. He lent in and pressed his lips to her forehead, he expected her to push him away but she didn't. Instead she placed her right hand at the back of his neck to pull him close and he found himself cheek to cheek with her. "It's ok." He moved his head enough to kiss her cheek and then nuzzle against her. "The sooner you relax, the sooner it'll be over." Despite their circumstances, it felt nothing short of exquisite to have this moment of closeness with her and he felt her relax as she started to lean her head more into him, allowing him to brush his lips over her skin to place forbidden kisses there. She tensed up and a small pained moan escaped her lips as she felt the uncomfortable sensation of Gabriel's fingers inside her, there was a tense silence as she held onto Seb tighter, turning her head to press her face against his neck, clinging on to him for comfort as for a few seconds whatever he was doing hurt her. The uncomfortable sensation soon passed and she let out a breath and relaxed again, Seb knew without looking that Gabriel had finished his examination. "You've done it, you did so well." He murmured against her cheek as he felt her breathing heavily. It was at least another thirty seconds or more before she moved her hand from the back of his head and allowed him stand upright but she still kept hold of his hand.
"Well, there are traces of blood but it's not fresh...." Gabriel begin as he removed his gloves. ".....and your cervix is perfectly normal, have you been experiencing any pain? Any period like cramps?"
"No, nothing." She replied. Letting go of Seb's hand, she sat up and moved the blanket back over her legs.
"Is that a good sign?" Seb asked, still standing right next to the bed, close to his wife.
Gabriel hesitated before he answered, he was fairly certain that this was nothing to worry about but didn't want to say too much until a scan had confirmed it. "A little bleeding during early pregnancy isn't uncommon."
"But?" Seb asked, glancing down at Chloe's still worried face. Gabriel hadn't really answered his question.
"Chloe, if you get dressed again we'll pop into the sonography room next." He stepped away and slipped through the curtain leaving the couple looking at each other.
"I should get dressed...." She looked up at him, he looked reluctant to move.
"Ok, I'll just be out here." He pointed to the curtain and then left her to it. Removing the blanket from her legs, she slipped off of the bed and grabbed her pyjama bottoms and knickers. As she redressed she wondered why Gabriel hadn't directly answered Seb's question, there had to be only one answer and it made her feel sick to pit of her stomach.
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Walking back into the lounge, Seb watched as Chloe went straight to her chair, by the window. He heard her huff out a long breath and then yawn, he wasn't surprised that she was tired, she'd slept for the entire journey home and he'd had to wake her once they'd stopped outside the house. Now they were back home it felt as though she'd become distant again. Should he go over to her? Should he give her some space? He had no idea. With Heikki having borrowed his Audi to drive to the other house, it was now just the two of them in his expansive home and the last thing he wanted was for her to go back to hating him like she had yesterday and most of today. He suddenly felt hungry, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since lunch time and he wondered if he'd be able to get her to eat anything if he cooked them both something. Knowing that he'd have no idea unless he asked her, he walked over to stand in front of her.
"I was going to cook something, can I get you anything?"
She looked up at him, he looked as tired as she felt. She knew she owed him an apology, he hadn't deserved to be on the receiving end of her low moods, her anger and having the blame for her family going back home pinned on him. He'd been a huge emotional support to her over the last few hours, there was no she could have coped on her own. She thought about his question, although she now had a headache, no doubt brought on by the stresses of the last couple of days, she was a little hungry. "Yeah, thanks." She gave him a weak smile and he nodded before heading off to the kitchen. Sitting back in her chair, she put her hand on her stomach and let out a long breath, trying to rid herself of the stress of earlier. Now at nine weeks plus four days, her baby was very much alive, doing well with a strong heartbeat and they'd even seen a little movement on the screen during the scan. She'd sobbed tears of relief and Seb had shed a few tears too, she'd been convinced that she'd miscarried. Today had given her a kick up the butt, she couldn't keep wallowing in her misery and she couldn't keep pushing Seb away. Wearily, she got up from the chair and went into the kitchen to find he'd got a steamer on the hob, couscous soaking, two fillets of salmon sat on the side along with some sprouting broccoli and a lemon. He was squatting on the floor, rummaging through a cupboard. "What are you looking for?" She asked.
"Pumpkin seeds." He said, without looking back at her.
Walking further into the kitchen, she stood close by him and opened a top cupboard where she found a bag of the seeds straight away. "Here you go." She put it on the counter and he stood up, looking at her, his expression full of admiration. "Mum used some a couple of days ago, that's how I remembered where they were." She added, thinking that he was looking at her in that way because she knew where to look.....because she'd remembered.
"You did so well earlier, to let Gabriel examine you...."
"Seb." She cut him off, she didn't want to think about that. The thought of a stranger touching her like that made her feel sick.
"And our baby is doing fine, we saw him move, we heard his heartbeat again." He smiled as he remembered seeing their baby, looking totally in love. "I'm so proud of you liebe."
"Seb...." She swallowed. ".......please don't make me cry again."
"I don't want to make you cry, I just want to make you happy."
"I'm so sorry....." She reached for his hand and he looked worried as he let her take it.
"Why are you apologising? You've no need, I understand." He wasn't sure what he was understanding but wanted to say it anyway because he was suddenly scared that she wanted to leave, that she wanted to go home - to the UK. Seeing how unhappy she'd been yesterday, how upset she was to see her family leave this morning and after the stress she'd been through this evening, he knew he couldn't refuse her wishes to go home, not if staying here was only going to make her more miserable. He wanted her to be happy and he wanted their unborn child to be safe.
"I've done nothing but push you away since Christmas Day and I've been so awful to you yesterday and today, I owe you an apology."
"No you don't." He shook his head.
"I do Seb, there's no way I'd have coped without you earlier and it's taught me that I can't keep pushing you away. I don't want to lose you, I don't want you to turn your back on me because I've been such a bitch."
"There's absolutely nothing that would make me turn away from you, I love you. God......" He let out a breath and gripped her hand tighter. "I was starting to think that you wanted to leave."
"What? No, of course not!" She exclaimed. "I'm your wife, not that I'm much of one right now, but my parents and my nan have taught me that you don't walk away from marriage without a fight." She stopped as she saw the relief on his face. "Can we start again? Can we go back to how we were on Christmas Day, before we nearly kissed and I lost the plot?"
"You don't even have to ask." He smiled, reaching out to take her other hand. "Can I hug you?" She didn't reply but she stepped forward and made the first move by letting go of his hands and wrapping her arms around him. Like the last time she'd hugged him, she slid her hands up his back to let them stop at the bottom of his shoulders. She was comfortable like this, it felt intimate but not too much that it made her feel like she was giving him the wrong signals. She felt his arms go around her, one hand holding her at the back of her head and his other at the small of her back. She could feel his warm breath in her hair as he kissed her head and she felt her body relax in his safe, warm hold. Not wanting to push her and suddenly remembering that he hadn't yet showered, he released her but not before placing a kiss on her forehead, he simply couldn't resist. He stepped back from her and went back to where he'd left the two pieces of salmon and the sprouting broccoli.
Feeling a little bereft that he pulled away from their embrace so quickly, she watched as he set up the steamer, placing the broccoli in the water and the salmon in the tier above it. She rubbed her forehead, her headache was beginning to get worse. She decided that she needed to take a couple of paracetamol to hopefully stop it from becoming a migraine but she had no idea where he kept it. "Do you have any paracetamol anywhere?" She asked, as he went to the fridge. He stopped with the fridge door half open, then closed it and came straight over to her.
"You have a bad head?" He asked, not being afraid to place his fingers in her hair and brush his thumb over her forehead.
"Yeah and I know I can take those while pregnant."
"That'll be because you've been so stressed and you need to eat." He pulled his hand away and went straight to a small narrow cupboard where he found a box of the tablets she needed. Walking back to her, he passed her the box and then went to the sink where he filled a glass with water for her. "Sit down, you look exhausted." He pointed to the breakfast bar and she nodded before going and taking a seat on one of the high stools. He placed the glass down in front of her and watched as she took a couple of the tablets. "I'll take a shower once we've eaten and then we can chill out in front of the tv or I can run you a bath to relax in, whatever you want to do." He went back to getting a couscous salad together so it was ready for the salmon and the broccoli. "I'll call Heikki in a while and tell him I won't be training tomorrow, I want to spend the day with you, maybe we could take a walk down to the lake if it's nice, that's if you're up to it." He carried on, aware that she was quiet but thinking that maybe her headache was the reason why. He was completely unaware that she was watching him because seeing him in the kitchen like this, preparing their food, seemed familiar. She could feel something tugging on her memory, trying to push forward and she lowered her gaze to the half drunk glass of water, trying hard to grasp whatever it was that lodged in her brain. "Chloe?" She lifted her eyes to see him standing before her, the other side of the breakfast bar. He looked concerned.
"I'm ok, the tablets will soon kick in." She yawned and stretched her arms upwards.
"Did you hear a thing I'd just said?" He smiled, finding her tiredness strangely adorable.
"You were going to take a shower....oh wait....you've said more haven't you."
"It's ok, don't worry, nothing major."
"Tell me what you said." She looked at his retreating back as went back to the steamer and then slipped off of the stool to go and stand beside him. "Seb...." She slid her hand down his back as if it was a perfectly normal thing for her to be doing, he felt his heart do a little skip and a feeling of warmth fill his chest at her small gesture of affection. "Seb, tell me."
"I just said I was going to cancel training tomorrow so we can spend the day together, maybe take a walk to the lake if it's nice and you're feeling up to it." He replied as her hand stayed on his back, stirring up his longing and desire for her.
"Sounds good, maybe save the walk for the afternoon, no doubt I'll feel like pants in the morning, not that I'm complaining after....." She trailed off, she wanted forget today and erase it from her memory.
"We can do what you want, when you want, it'll be your day." He smiled as he felt her hand slip lower, only leaving his back right before she reached his behind. It was as if she was flirting a little and it made him want more. "Take a seat again, this will be ready in a minute."
"Want me to help?"
"No, I want you sit down, you've got take it easy." He pointed to the breakfast bar, not really wanting to remind her of Doctor Christen's words of advice but feeling that it was necessary. "Plenty of rest, a little exercise and no stress, remember?"
"Yeah, for once." She rolled her eyes and then smiled.
"Good. You've got me taking care of you now, both of you." He placed his hand on her tummy, for the first time he noticed that her usual flatness there had gone, replaced by a slight roundness. "You're getting a bump."
"I am?" She looked downwards at her loose fitting pyjama top.
"Definitely."
"Shit."
"I hope that's good shit." He chuckled and stood back as she lifted her top, looking down at her bare stomach.
"Yeah, good shit." She watched as he lowered himself down until he was level with her stomach. "I've already got jeans that don't fit me anymore, I thought I was just getting fat. What on earth are you doing down there? Wanting a closer look?" Her answer came quickly as he leant in and a placed a kiss on her tummy, at first she tensed because it was so unexpected but then she relaxed because the moment was so sweet and his lips and his warm breath felt so good on her skin.
"My baby. Beautiful." He murmured, placing another kiss there before standing up again, he actually felt a little worried that he might have crossed a line with her, that she might think it was too much. Instead she took his hand and placed it back on her stomach, then she leant forward until her head was resting against his chest. It yet another blissful moment of closeness and he was sure that any day now they'd be getting a lot closer.